Opening Up (Part 1) – My Own Sexual Revolution

Only days earlier, I had found Marriage Heat online.  And now it was time to open up to my husband about my anxieties about the current state of

our sex life.

I didn’t have a problem with my sex drive as a teenager and young adult, but I always struggled with it after we got married.  My theory is that during our long distance relationship for 4 of the 5 years we were dating, our physical sex life and my day-to-day life were not intertwined; I could completely put one away when I needed to concentrate on the other, instead of having these two aspects of life work interdependently.  When Kelly was gone, anywhere from weeks to months, we talked on the phone whenever we could, and we worked hard to keep the lines of communication open, to make sure we were telling each other about the little things in each day so that we wouldn’t feel so far apart.  But generally speaking, I went about my daily life and he went about his, even though we were always in one another’s heart and mind.

Even as I think and write about this, it’s hard to make sense of it.  But I guess knowing that we couldn’t have sex took the pressure off for me, so I wasn’t afraid to be sexual with him in other non-physical ways.  And maybe the distance made us hyper aware of the absence of sex, so writing naughty letters and sending him sexy care packages felt natural to me.  And when he came home from his stations or deployments, I would put everything else in my life on hold.  I went out of my way to make sure we would have some sweet and sexy memories to call upon when it would be time for him to leave again.

Our wedding day is one of the days of my life that is etched most deeply into my heart.  But after years of a very non-conventional courtship, finally being married meant living a day-to-day life together.  Moving to a new city, working a job I hated, managing a household, and pursuing a singing career slowly morphed sex into a looming pressure for me.

It wasn’t Kelly.  Sure, there are always things to improve upon in a marriage, but I truly love him with all of my heart, that being a cliché understatement that doesn’t even begin to describe my love for him.  And whenever we did have sex, he rocked my world.  It felt so good and I was always incredibly glad that I’d taken the time to be with him.  It wasn’t that I didn’t want to have sex with him; I just usually didn’t feel like having sex.  It was so difficult for me to get in the mood.  I’m an over thinker.  Life always seems to cloud my mind, often times to the point that the fog is so heavy I can’t find my way out.  How can I have sex when my psyche can’t let go of all the clutter and obligations in my life that are always waiting for me, demanding my attention and energy?

Kelly, on the other hand, is pretty much always open and ready, so it was difficult for him to understand my plight.  We would talk it out occasionally, but I never really dug down to the core of my struggles, as even I had trouble understanding what I felt.  And whenever life got bumpy, sex would take a serious detour, because it was just all too much for me to handle.

Then, after being together for 12 years, we finally welcomed our first child into our lives.  Although we completely adore her, having a baby daughter with a particularly challenging temperament certainly didn’t help our sex life.  Sex after baby was painful for me at first, not an uncommon problem, I’m sure, but it affected my lack of sex drive even further.  And trying to take care of a baby, let alone myself, while enduring a broken tailbone (from labor and delivery), brain-racking sleep deprivation, and stressful breastfeeding issues… well, it was all something I did not cope well with.  The exhaustion was physically painful, and because our baby girl was not a good sleeper (and still isn’t), I was in constant survival mode.  My motivation for sex was few and far between.

Our daughter is now 13 months old.  It’s been a long year of incredible highs and harrowing lows for me.  Kelly knows this, and he’s been incredibly supportive.  But I know he misses me.  We were barely having sex once a month.  A few months back, after a blissful bonding without interruption from a crying baby, I was wrapped up in his arms, both of us in the afterglow, and he quietly told me, “I don’t want to lose this with you.”  It made my heart sting with guilt.  I missed him too.  I told him we would never lose it.  But here we were, months later, and the number of times we’d connected didn’t even add up to five fingers on one of my hands.  I knew I needed help figuring out how to turn around this negativity of sharing my sexuality with my husband, but I didn’t know where to start.

After a 5 week sex hiatus, last week I was trying to find motivation to get sexual, because I could sense that Kelly was feeling distant from me, even though he tries not to let that influence how he treats me or interacts with me.  He doesn’t really initiate sex anymore, because I think he got tired of feeling like he was pressuring me to, and I couldn’t blame him when I so often needed convincing to have sex.  But then the pressure of initiating sex fell to me, making me feel even more burdened.  I wanted to reconnect with him, but the thought of initiating sex had me feeling insecure and embarrassed, and I couldn’t understand my feelings.  I couldn’t understand why I didn’t have a desire for something that I knew would bring us so much pleasure and togetherness.  But for some reason, this time was different.  I don’t know if it was because I’d started doing a morning and evening prayer meditation a couple of weeks earlier, but I felt like God was trying to tell me something.  I didn’t want to just have sex so that I could check it off my to-do list and file it away again.  I wanted to get to the bottom of this.  I wanted to initiate a permanent change in this life that I share with my husband.

I searched the internet for ways to keep the spark alive.  Lots to sift through, of course, but I came across some good things, including Marriage Heat.  As I browsed through the romantic and lusty encounters of other married couples, I thought to myself, “I want this with Kelly.”  We’re so good together in every way; he’s my partner, my best friend and soul mate, but I was desperate to start finding my way out of the fog so that I could see us as lovers in everyday life, too.  I started to really think more deeply about the physical expression of love, and realized how it’s a very sacred gift from our Heavenly Father.  He wouldn’t have created such a profound connection to my dearest loved one if He didn’t want me to act on it.  Kelly and I were always so close in mind, body, and spirit after making love.  He’s the only man who has ever made love to me; my virginity belongs to him and his to me.  This glorious act of sex blessed us with the beautiful child we’d waited for so long to bring into the world.  When it’s between two people who have committed their lives and souls to each other, God must have created sex to transform our physical beings into a fully uniting, spiritual bond that you can share and experience only with the love of your life.  At least I want to think that’s what He intended it to be.

And it turned me on.

So I decided it was time to open up to my husband.  He works the night shift, but it was his night off, so I knew we could take our time discussing things and then act on it.  We played with our daughter after dinner and then worked together to get her down in bed.  I was nervous, not knowing how to broach the subject and feeling like I was going to be talking with a stranger.  As we cuddled on the couch, I hesitated for the right moment to speak the words I was trying to form in my head.  I finally took a deep breath.  Now or never.

“Baby, I feel like we need to talk about our sex life,” I said quietly.

He shifted so that he could see my face. “Sure, baby, what’s up?”

I was struggling to find the right words. “I… I don’t know.  I want to fix this.  I don’t know why I feel embarrassed, but I do, I have for a long time.  I want to figure out how to look forward to it, to make it a priority.”

He had a sweet, sympathetic smile on his face, but I couldn’t look him in the eye.  He knew this was hard for me, and I felt his hand gently stroke my ponytail of blonde hair.

“What do you think?” I asked.

“Well, yeah, you know, whatever we gotta do, babe.  You know I’ll do whatever you need.”  His response was so calm and soothing, his touch was so kind and loving.

“So Monday nights, since it’s your night off, can we just make that sex night, no matter what?” I was trying to be very matter of fact with my solutions, concrete things we could do to make an impact.  “I know that things will come up every now and then, but if I just know to expect it, then I can try to get myself in the mindset.”

He nodded his head. “That would be great.  Yeah, that’d be awesome.”

“How many times a week is your wish?  You know, realistically?”  I asked.

He smiled again.  “Well, once a week is way better than once a month.”

That drew a little smile to my lips.  I knew he was enjoying the conversation, despite my emotional anxiety.  “Yeah, I know, I’m just asking, you know, what you’d want if you could have it.”

“Uh, twice a week.  But I wouldn’t expect it from you, you know.”  He was quick to try to mitigate any pressure, although I felt bad he even felt the need to say that.  He’d been burned by me so many times that he didn’t even realize the pressure I felt wasn’t because of him.  He wasn’t willing to risk it, anyway.  But I appreciated him being so sensitive to my insecurity.

I tried to return the favor with a sweet explanation.  “Honey, I put more pressure on myself than you do.  You’re really sweet about not pushing me too hard for it.  But I know how much you want it, and why.  I want to feel that way too.”  I said this all kind of timidly.  I wasn’t confident yet.

He pulled me closer to him.  “Okay, how can I help?”

“Well, you know… I feel better having sex when I feel clean and fresh.  Can you watch the baby when I get home from work on Mondays so that I can shower up?”  It felt strange talking to him like this, but I was starting to feel more at ease.  It felt good to be honest with him.

“Of course.  Anything,” he responded enthusiastically.

“Or if we can clean up our bedroom and the bathroom a little bit, make it a really nice space, you know, help with the mood.  Then we could shower together after she goes down.”

“Hmm, that’d be good.”  I could tell by the tone in his voice that he liked my suggestion.

“But all her sleep issues have made me really paranoid that we’re gonna wake her up,” I said, slightly discouraged by all the obstacles I felt just to have sex.

“Do you want to do it downstairs?  We could clear off the bed and try to get things picked up down there,” he replied optimistically.

“Yeah, but that’s too much work, no time to do it right now.  It’s such a mess.  And it’s so cold down there.”  I shivered at the thought of the cold guest bed in the basement.

He laughed quietly.  “Yeah, you do better when it’s nice and warm.”  He rubbed my back.  I felt how warm his hand was through my shirt.  It was so comforting.

We continued to talk for a long time.  By the end of the discussion, I was feeling so much better.  I didn’t know why I’d been so apprehensive.  And all the talk about sex had me starting to heat up.  The flesh between my legs was feeling warm and relaxed.  I knew it was a good time.

“Well, I think we’ve talked enough for now, and it’s been too long.  Are you coming upstairs with me?”  I asked calmly.

“Yeah.”  He gave me a sweet kiss on the lips.

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8 replies
  1. Barnboy says:

    Thank you for sharing Emmy Sue. I know it isn’t easy delving into personal intimate sexual issues such as these but when you do the healing can begin in your marriage. Plus through sharing your story you will never know how many couples you have helped with similar experiences. I wish you and Kelley much happiness in exploring new areas of your love for each other. Looking forward to reading more posts in the future.

  2. smitten says:

    Mrs. Smitten to Emmy Sue: Sex is 90% mental and the brain is what drives the hormone response. One thing you might try is when passing your husband in the house stop for a minute and fondle, then later do the same, then later do the same. This stimulates the brain and when the time comes to have sex you will notice a great difference in your increased sex drive.
    Also, if you have read any of our stories, you will have noticed the special adult breastfeeding relationship that we have. When the nipples are stimulated by suckling the pituitary gland secretes oxytocin, the cuddling, love hormone.When the man suckles the pituitary gland secretes oxytocin into his blood stream also. This intimate process clears the mind and brings on a wonderful loving feeling that relaxes both man and woman and sex even hours later comes on more naturally because the man and woman have been high on the experience and the love hormone, oxytocin.
    Best wishes and we hope this helps.

  3. Lovinghusband says:

    Emmy Sue – thank you for writing. You showed courage to be so vulnerable. I want to encourage you with a couple of verses from God’s powerful Word. Please meditate on these verses after reading my thoughts. Romans 12:1-2 says,

    I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. 2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

    God doesn’t want to be conformed to the fallen thinking of this world – the key is to have our minds transformed by what God says is true. Renewed minds lead to renewed living – doing the will of God.

    Emmy Sue – God wants to encourage us to trust not in our own understanding. We all are prone to do this in so many ways. Proverbs 3:5-6 says,

    5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. 6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.

    “All our ways” include the way we see sex. I want to have my view of sex transformed (changed) by what God says. My opinion matters nothing in comparison to the One who designed me and sex. As a sinner, my view of sex is tainted apart from God’s revealing His will. Thankfully, He has given us the Word of God.

    So, here is one quick thought: I don’t know what your view has been during your whole marriage – but the paradigm or model given by God for us (the truth that can and will transform us) concerning what He has given for husbands and wives is this (1st Corinthians 7:2-5):

    2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

    Here is God’s revolutionary truth that transforms us – and gives us ways of renewed thinking about sex with our spouse and the need for frequency. One of the chief ways that God protects both husbands and wives from temptation is by us understanding that instead of depriving one another sex – we are to “come together” as the regular pattern in our life together. The exception is times when we are not having sex (“for a limited time” – to pray, some crisis or need temporarily has the couple not engaging in sex). The regular pattern is to be joyfully giving one another our “conjugal rights”. And the great thing is – God is the author of this plan! And, as we trust Him, He has also designed to be a joyful and exhilarating experience.

    Emmy Sue, when we understand this – and it sinks deep into our hearts and minds – it forms the foundation of how we live. I obey God in many things – not because I totally understand to the nth degree, but I oby because it is the will of God for my life. The good news is: the Word of God and the Spirit of God give us more understanding as time goes on. But, we are not to wait to obey God until we have seemingly “mastered” our understanding. No, we see what He calls us to believe and do – and submit our lives to Him.

    Emmy Sue, I am going to pray for you and your husband. This will not be enslaving to you – but will be the most liberating situation you can know. God is patient and kind. He nurtures us along the way. Yet, there is no peace when we are not conformed to His will.

    I am so excited for you both – and the path that God is putting you on! God bless you. Please meditate on these Scriptures. Ask God to give you wisdom and understanding. He loves to give mercy and grace. I hope this encourages you in some way.

  4. Emmy Sue says:

    Thank you all for your encouraging, kind words. I’ve always struggled to find confidence in fully sharing my sexuality with my husband, it’s not something that society urges us to openly talk about, and your support is helping me to break free and to be more experimental and outgoing in this area of my life. Your prayers, suggestions, and words from scripture have touched me and are giving me the strength and excitement to make sure that I stay committed to this until it is just second nature in our marriage. I want it to be part of my every day life, because my marriage is my life everyday. God is so kind and wise, and He knows that I am exactly what my husband needs, and that my husband will give me everything I need if I let him. Thank you for being a new network of support for me, I’m so excited to be here!

  5. JazzyLM says:

    Emmy Sue, I see my wife in you. I found this site just Saturday night and immediately wanted to share it with her. She is a very spiritual woman and has a very close relationship with God. She has a hard time reconciling her spirituality and lasciviousness. The good news is she’s open to it and I look forward to her opening up and taking an active roll.

    I’ve told my wife this many times and I’ll share it with you. Human beings are one of two species on the planet that have sex because it’s enjoyable. We should enjoy it.

    God made our bodies into wonderful, sexy amusement parks. We bought the tickets. We should ride all the rides.

  6. Emmy Sue says:

    JazzyLM, thanks so much for your encouragement! I like how you said “reconcile.” That’s how I’ve always felt. It helps knowing that there’s other Christian wives out there who struggle with this, and that you husbands just want to share everything with your wives in the most personal, profound, erotic way. I know my husband wants this because he wants to be close to me in ways that no one else ever will be. I’m finally trying to let myself be empowered by this instead of resisting it due to self-conscious feelings. I didn’t ride a roller coaster until I was 21, because I was always too cautious. And now I’m 30, but I’ve been the same way in my sex life with my husband, and you’re so right, it’s time to enjoy the ride! Thanks again!

  7. stories19 says:

    Dear Emmy,
    I came across your story while I was browsing for stories where couples have had issues with their sex life and after good conversations, things became normal. You wrote this years back and I hope all your issues are resolved and you and your husband continue to have amazing sex.
    I am not sure if you can help me with my problem but I wanted to write to somebody. My wife and I are in a long distance marriage. Whenever we meet, we do have sex but it's very vanilla and plain – missionary and her on top. That's about it. Tonight, on the phone, we had a conversation where she said "I find doggy, oral and other positions unnatural." Then after a pause she said "Even receiving oral I find unnatural." This is after I have performed oral on her couple of times in the past few months. I knew she was not a big fan but didn't know she found it "unnatural." The good thing is that later she said "Don't worry, for few years I found sex also unnatural but I do enjoy it now." And she does – in those two aforementioned positions, we do have good sex. But I want us to try new things, I want to give her oral, I want to receive oral, new positions etc. I was visibly upset with this conversation. So after a while she said, "I don't hate such positions…I am not against it." And then I said "I am upset because I used to think that someday we will do all this, if not now." And she said "Don't worry, chill." and that's where the conversation ended.
    What do you think will happen? What gives me hope is that she used to think of sex as unnatural and now she clearly enjoys it. So hopefully other things also, she'll enjoy with time. But how much time? And how do we initiate the other things – oral, doggy etc. And what if it never happens? I am quite worried hence I am asking all this. I hope you or somebody else can address my concerns. 🙁
    Thanks in advance.
    – Ray

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