Wife low libido
I have been married to my wife for over two years now. When we dated she was spontaneous and adventurous, it was exciting and thrilling. However I have a high libido and sex regularly can lead to disagreements as it can seem like a chore for her. I am trying my best to look for ways to reignite the fire. However, she does not seem to get horny anymore even if I delay it 4/5 days. I continually try romance, suggesting different times of day rooms, etc. , giving massages after sex and when she is sore. I’ve also tried to encourage her to read about it on sites like this, and we have watched Mark Gung or seminars together which were brilliant and offered great advice and insight which she ignored.
She does not like to talk about it and does not see it as a problem and has many excuses. She is also very much anti wives submitting to their husbands and husbands loving their wives as her personality can be domineering, I did not see this before marriage. She has many excuses when I ask like I’m too tired, stomach upset again, etc. Don’t get me wrong I love my wife and care for her, but it is very difficult to keep a loving mind whenever all the ailments come around night time as she is not keen on morning or afternoon sex. She is very content at night for me to play with her hair and tickle her softly until she goes to sleep but this doesn’t lead to sex. When we do have sex, she enjoys it, and she orgasms every time at least once. Where as I’m a let’s do it all night person she is content with a quickie or one orgasm. We both have demanding jobs as teachers, and she gives a lot of herself to the job. I do too, but I always try to keep energy for her.
We have no kids, and I know this upsets her, we’ve been trying when the time is right with no success. It does not worry me as I have faith in Psalm 37:4 and that they will come in God’s time. She, however, gets upset and stressed about it which I don’t think helps. (We have done the tests to try and set her mind at ease, and all parts are working). She is my first and only sexual partner, but I was not her first. I have prayed for patience but am finding I am loosing my desire to have sex with her as it is hard work and can lead to arguments which I hate. We are not old (both) 30. I love my wife, and I am far from perfect and apologise if this comes across as critical of her. I just want our sex life not to be mundane or tedious and find that this is creating a cycle of resentment I am doing my best to try and prayerfully with action break. Please, any advice would be much appreciated as it is not an issue I feel I can talk to family & friends about.
Thanks
A husband desiring to be one flesh with his wife
Talk to God about it all and listen for the words He gives you to pray for your wife, yourself, and your couple and your sex life as separate things. Ask for the ability and willingness to happily identify, receive and follow His directions and for Him to lead you and take you through all He needs to even if He has to do it with you kicking and screaming. All you desire in your heart of hearts is what He has put in there, so He has every plan and intention of fulfilling it. The hardest part will be the patience and faith you may need. From personal experience. All the best. Prayers and thoughts.
Good advice for YoungHusband, Good advice for me. Listening and obeying demonstrates we trust God. Sex is so powerful, It can be tempting to place our faith in sex rather than in God.
I've been married 32 years, and take it from me, marriage it not always easy even if it's usually great like mine is. We'd gone through trials which God always brought us through. Now with your wife not submitting to you, remember you have to submit to her too (Ephesians 5:21). Obviously you can't make her obey you, but keep loving her and pray that she'll come around. Make sure you have her best interests at heart, that's what makes it easy for me to obey my husband, because I know my husband is thinking of my well-being. You have to be a leader, and take good care of her.
Now the sex part, we are all familiar, I'm sure, with 1 Corinthians 7:3-5. Does she know those lines? You might like to present that to her if she's unfamiliar. Also, the little things can show you love her, like a pet name (E.g. Other than calling each other by name, and endearment terms like "darling" & "sweetie" I like to call my husband "Henry my Honey" and he likes to call me "Harper my Honey" when we flirt) so start with that, and what kind of romance do you do? One of the things that really get women going is when their husbands help them around the house 😉 Also, warm her up during the day with compliments.
I'm sorry that you are in this situation. And I also can't help but think there might something deeper, or she just has a lower libido then you. But with God's help you can get through anything and everything. I'll pray for you two and God bless you.
Ditto what Harper said.
I understand your situation. I am an educator as well. We have been married for 29 years and my bride has never had a "normal" libido. She would be perfectly happy with once a month and if a month went by without intimacy she wouldn't be too bothered by it. When she saw a news story about a marriage that was mutually sexless she said "That wouldn't be all bad." Naturally I am on the other end of the spectrum. As such I have prayed for years that God would reduce my level of interest so we wouldn't have an issue. To this point His answer is "My grace is sufficient." This will cause some to get up in arms and say "That's not what God intended." To which I would say that If I have entreated The LORD for half my married life and that's the answer, then should I "Contend with the Almighty?" My wife is wonderful and does make efforts to "meet my needs" but she readily admits that she isn't very interested and because her orgasmic timing is VERY slow regardless of method she often chooses a pass rather than be exhausted the next day. If she were to be able to orgasm easier I think we would be a lot busier. That said, we men do have Ephesians 5:25 as a command. If Jesus was willing to die for me, should I not choose to live a happy and blessed life with God's gift to me even though I am mismatched with respect to desire? After all God did bring us together. In summary, it may change tomorrow, it may never change. She is your gift from God. Ask Him how to and what to do. If her behavior becomes sinful in nature then we are dealing with a different issue.
I too have been in your situation and I how is encouraging to see that you're not alone in what you are experiencing.
Something that Harper said made me think of a great book on different love languages. Check it out at http://www.5lovelanguages.com.
Hope it helps.
I live in the space too. I have a high libido and my wife had a high libido when we were dating. We only made out (not sex), but she was often quite horny. I didn't see the drop off coming, but it happened quickly after marriage started. Let me just say this, it's important for you to know that it's not going to get easier when you start having kids. My wife has been pregnant or nursing for 11 of the last 15 years. We are blessed with a large family, but our sex life ebs and flows, and is good at times — maybe only a 4-5 great times a year. I had to cling to those "great" moments, that not all hope was lost. I think that things are just recently taking a turn for the better, now in our 40s. It's a marathon, so don't think that today's situation will never change. Keep the lines of communication open between you and your wife. Even when the sex life is frustrating, it's very important to know each other intimately, and to be known and understood is a gift, even if all the actions don't line up perfectly. It is been helpful for me to communicate more of my feelings. Instead of saying, I wish you would change, I wish you would do this more, why can't you be more like this — I usually put it more in terms like, when you say no to my advances it makes me feel like this, or You not wanting to be desired or be sexual causes me to struggle with finding sexual fulfillment in other things and people. Keep having those rough conversations, even if they seem to not be leaving anywhere. That level of honesty and vulnerability Will pay dividends even if it's just an investment for the second half of this marathon. And even that is 100% worth it!
I have been married for 34 years. Now my wife is in menopause and her libido has dropped off completely. My wife once said that the most romantic thing is to be known. Pacman's comment was good on maintaining emotional intimacy as a women's physical desire is coupled very closely to how her emotions track with you. Someone already mentioned the 5 love languages. It is essential that you know hers. You can clean the house all day for her, but if her love language is time then she'd probably wish you would have spent that time with her. One thing no one has mentioned yet is her background. I have seen many women get into this low libido in their 30's as a result of childhood sexual abuse they may or may not remember. A long run of therapy is usually needed. This was the case with my wife. She had severe abuse as a child and on top of that when she went to therapy 2 of her therapists wanted to sleep with her (1 male, 1 female therapist). I'm not normally a big fan of therapy. It was God who ultimately brought her healing through a miracle. We've had a number of years with minimal sex in our marriage. I look back and think about the evolution of my prayers which went something like this: Lord please give her more desire for sex…. Lord help me to not need sex so much… to finally.. Lord I pray that we both be happy and satisfied with our physical intimacy. Note that it went from selfish to mutual. Be loving, be patient, and stay pure. Remember that God will use this time for good in your life, and it will get better.
I suspect most husbands go through what you are describing, particularly early on in their marriage or most certainly when the kids come along. I was 22 and my wife was 20 when we married and we were both virgins with very little sexual experience. After we were married I was ready for the wild times to begin, but was often wondering, "What happened to the daily sex I imagined we were going to have?". I had this beautiful young lady and I was ready all the time, whereas she seem mildly interested, I was really left wondering what my role was.
Forty years later, I think I have a pretty good idea of what was going on, but I don't know if I am articulate enough to explain, but I will give it a shot. I'll first give you an example of what happened to me about 4 years and two kids into marriage and what I learned from it.
As we were both climbing into bed one night I moved immediately over to my wife's side of the bed and asked her if tonight was the night, more or less in those words. I knew immediately that my ship wasn't sailing that night, so I didn't pout or get all bummed, but just said goodnight to her and reached for a book that I was reading on the nightstand. After getting through about one chapter my wife said to me, "I thought you wanted to make love to me?"
I remember being really confused, but I held onto my thoughts for a moment and replied, "You better believe I want to make love to my lovely wife"., as I marked my place and returned the book to the nightstand. From that day forward there has always been a book on my nightstand. Some nights I read a chapter or so while my Sweetie relaxes with hers and my patience is rewarded. Other nights I get through several chapters while my Sweetie dozes.
This is just from my experience, but sex at the beginning of the marriage is secondary to building the relationship between you and your wife. Life is not fair, not a lot of fun frequently and it's just the two of you and your faith against the world. Without the profound respect I have for my wife, the sex would have gone stale years ago.
Do not put your life on hold waiting for the great sex. Get on with life, with and without your wife. Get out of the house at least one night a week to do something you like. Get out frequently to do something you both like.My wife and I are both very determined people and can stand alone as independent individuals, but we REALLY enjoy each others company with or without clothes on.
Several years ago my wife and I were struggling in our jobs and were wondering how in the world we were going to be able to retire, when she received an incredible opportunity with an incredible paycheck to go with it, but several thousand miles away in a different country. At first we thought I would be going along, but the circumstances didn't work out, so I've been holding the fort here for the last few years. When it came time to decide if she was going to go I gave her my steadfast encouragement and left it up to her and got out of her way as she struggled with the decision.
I remember vividly what prompted me to encourage her then and it has remained with me everyday since then. I think most people would not describe me as a romantic, but my reasoning can best be described by the scene at the end of the movie "Titanic", where the elderly Rose goes to bed at night and you see the pictures taken of her throughout her very full life. You know without a doubt who she is grateful for, for a life that she could not have anticipated, but lived with a passion.
What would it be like to be able to bestow a gift like that on someone, even if you were not there to be able to see all of it? I'm not sure I can tell you just yet, but check back with me in a year or so.
Patience, and God bless your marriage as he has blessed mine.
Mismatched partners in regards to sex must be a pretty common difficulty. My marriage has ebbed and flowed, Fortunately, I have very few complaints as a whole. My wife is surprised at how many women admit to placating their husbands sexually with little pleasure themselves. I am no expert, but I have done a lot of listening to others in my life and have learned much. First, communicating about sex is emotion filled and strikes at multiple core values. But honest communication is key and needs to be filled with Christ like love. It takes gentleness and kindness. If you can communicate clearly and kindly about both sex and about driving directions, you'll have a pretty good marriage.
Second, if the low libido is really another problem with a symptom of low libido, finding out the cause may have great blessings in other areas of your marriage as well. The Symptom of low libido has many causes: emotional, physiologic, mental health, particularly depression, abuse, both sexual and emotional, or, it can be based in ignorance. Sometimes, women do not like that sex is messy, with the mingling of sweat and secretions and odors. Sometimes, sex is tedious and orgasms are faked because of ignorance and poor technique by ourself or our partner. I am surprised at how many women have been raped or groped or spied on as a child or as a teen and still feel violated as an adult, but do not want to communicate the circumstances to their spouse. This silence seems especially true for those that value chastity. To me it seems unhealthy and emotionally burdensome, but the desire for secrecy is real.
I think prayer and divine guidance can be invaluable in determining if your wife was born with low libido and you are mismatched in this regard, or if other problems are surfacing with a symptom of low libido. Knowing this distinction makes all the difference in how you go forward. If there is a mismatch, learn to accommodate the differences. But if it is a symptom of other problems, your wife needs loving help or patient loving until she is ready for that help. Prayer becomes so valuable in this problem. Our marriages are important to God, and sexual intimacy is an important part of a healthy marriage.
Without faith it is impossible to please God. Without faithfulness on your part, you will miss the great pleasure of meeting both whom God would have you two to become. Love always believes and hopes. I believe that God intentionally matches us with partners of different libidos so that we can find and glorify Him in the process.
I am 8 years in and you described my first two years exactly. Both teachers at the time, wildly different concepts of marital roles, goals for sex, and places in our walks. While I was frustrated, I was reminded that the 2 year hump of frustration experienced by most couples would soon be past and better days had to be ahead.
Remember God uses marriage to perfect you, not service you and the frustrations will be redeemed one at a time. Also remember that there is a season for everything so your time will come. Lastly I prayed for the spiritual protection of my wife and her limited energy, and protection of our communication a lot.
My friend you are in good company. Now go keep your eyes on Him, your mind in His Word, and may He cause your wife to be challenged and encouraged by godly and active women.
So nearly 5 years on, I wanted to thank those people that replied and say how things are going. We are still married. Praise God. I stopped trying to initiate sex as this annoyed my wife and mostly left it to her. We have had put first daughter and are expecting our second child. We went to a fertility doctor as had issues getting pregnant and discover my wife's thyroid levels go up and down like a yoyo. This causes fatigue and low libido. There's an article about it below. I came to accept that I could either keep pushing the issue of sex and end up resenting the person I love or just accept I may need to relieve the tension myself sometimes and that some sex/intimacy is better than what I had before I was married
https://www.pennmedicine.org/updates/blogs/womens-health/2019/january/how-thyroid-problems-might-be-hurting-your-sex-life#:~:text=Both%20hyperthyroidism%20and%20hypothyroidism%20can,lead%20to%20low%20sex%20drive.
It's good to accept your life situation as it is, but don't get caught in the trap of thinking it HAS to be as it is. Be content with how things are (or "be content with what you have," Hebrews 13:5 ESV), but also strive to improve the situation. I've had to find this balance in my own life struggles.
I would seriously recommend looking for a good doctor in functional or integrative medicine. Each one will be different, but many are trained to find the root cause of an issue and use both pharmaceutical and proven natural treatments to address it. I've learned through my own health journey that thyroid issues are common for many people, so I'm sure there are many alternative medicine practitioners who are experienced in dealing with them. Even if you're unsure about it, don't pass up something that could potentially help!