Hello MH readers and writers,
This is my first post I’ve written here. I won’t mention names as to protect the identity of individuals in my post. I’m going to try to get this out. Sorry if it’s long.
I have been following Marriage Heat for the last few years, and I am grateful to be able to read the stories of love and hot monogamy that takes place all over the world in everyone’s lives. Firstly I want to thank the creators of this website and forum, and I want to thank the readers and writers that grace us with their contextual experiences and stories.
I wanted to reach out to this community and ask if you would all stand in prayer with me for the restoration and reconciliation of my marriage. Currently, I am facing a divorce coming up for annulment in December, and I do not want to be divorced. I love my wife, and she is my greatest treasure. I’ve been in counselling the last 2yrs almost, and God has done some amazing transformation in my life in my mind, my heart and I’m honoured that God helped me and has really help change me (I haven’t had any opportunity to show my wife yet who I am now becoming, I long to so much, who I’m becoming now is the man I’ve always meant to become, that’s straight up, I know it without a shadow of a doubt).
My wife left me almost 21months ago, for an unhealthy, emotional, co-dependant relationship with a female that is 8-10yrs older than her (i don’t know if it’s crossed into a sexual relationship). We were married in 2012, but I had known my wife since she was 14, and I was 17. I’m now 28. There are a long story and process that has happened that brought my wife and me to where things are at currently. I made mistakes, and so did my wife, but it’s not beyond reconciliation when there are forgiveness and surrender.
The short story is I was raised in a Christian family my wife wasn’t. But she gave her heart to the Lord at 14, and begun her relationship with God then, it wouldn’t be right for me I don’t think to expose the scenarios or contexts of my wife’s experiences because that’s her story to tell but, I will say the areas of what she’s struggled with. Growing up my wife experienced sexual abuse at a young age, exposed to domestic violence between her parents, drug use and alcohol use of a parent, self-harm and suicidal ideation, communication breakdown with her parents (resenting them and never feeling close to them). But my wife did write a letter when she was older to her Dad, and they had a sit-down and reconciliation began when she was about 17-18.
I had my issues also, although i was raised in a christian family one of my Uncle’s exposed me to pornography at age 12, i remember my heart beating so fast and i was mesmerised by what i saw but not knowing what was happening until my Uncle told me what it was. From that time on, every time i slept over my cousins house i would try to sneak see it again on their computer after everyone went to sleep and that was the beginning of a porn addiction for me that carried into my teen years, adult life and still tries to pull me in even now, that just being honest. So i battled a lot of shame and guilt. I hated my appearance i was always chubby as a teen, i ate to feel better or i would masturbate to feel better but it never made me feel better if that makes sense? But i could sing, i could sing R&B/Soul and i could beatbox 🙂 so i used to sing in the worship team from 12yrs onwards that made me feel like i had something to offer to others and i used to beatbox in circles at school and boys would battle and drop 16bar verses, it was doooope. Other than that i hated myself i would struggle with my self-image and porn and then get up and lead worship on a Sunday i felt so guilty and ashamed back then, i saw in porn that only men with large cocks and large cumshots were the ones satisfying women (i didn’t know they were paid actors back then when i was young but anyway 🙁 and that instantly made my feel inadequate and afraid that i’ll never be a real man and end up with someone beautiful and be able to satisfy them. I would get attention because of my gift but found it hard to receive compliments. I was teased in high school for being overweight even though i was really popular i still felt inadequate and like a little boy who would never be a real man, i had insecurities of my body, my penis size, everything. But when i met my wife and we were just friends at that young age. I loved her from that moment, (i know she was 14 yeah, yeah. Just to clarify i waited until she was 18 to start dating her and i asked her parents permission 🙂 what boys still do that today lol).
So you can see there’s a lot that we both took into our marriage and i knew who i was marrying and so did she. We had so much joy on our wedding day, it was beautiful my wife was a model and she was doing her degree in Bible college and i felt so blessed she would marry me. I was 137kgs in weight the heaviest I’d ever been in my life that far and i was a Chaplain in a high school helping at-risk youths and also worked for Child Protection and Family Support in residential care but she loved me, she believed in me, she knew all about my past and nothing was hidden prior going into marriage that was important to me that we would be 100% with each other. No secrets. So that’s what happened 🙂
2012 – we were married, yaa AAAA ay 🙂 day after on our honeymoon, wifey gets gastro and so we chose to come home, glad we did, because then i got it to. A couple months passed and i was in a meeting and i got a phone call from her telling me her Dad had, had a heart attack. I went to the hospital straight away and when i got their he had passed away as i walked in, i then had to tell my wife when she arrived. Hardest thing to say to someone. After the funeral my wife just shut down emotionally, physically, spiritually and she just stuffed it down and didn’t want to deal with it. That was her default thing to do from childhood. I struggled to after the funeral i dropped 27kgs in 6weeks due to anxiety and fear. I felt weak like i couldn’t handle this situation or being a man or being a husband when i should have been strong for her but i wasn’t we both were trying to survive(that’s on me) i wanted to be strong but i felt so attacked in my mind with anxiety i wasn’t strong for her.
A 2yrs had passed and in that year we had financial struggle, our intimacy was affected, our communication was affected i made the mistake of reverting back to porn to try feel better like i had done in my teens because i was not having much sex with my wife. I told her though and i know it hurt her and made her feel inadequate (like how can i compare to those girls she said she thought), i never ever wanted her to be someone else and i never wanted to be with anyone else. I made the mistake of reverting back to an old habit and that’s on me, i take 100% responsibility for it. She said she forgave me but i noticed a change, there wasn’t a desire to want to be close to me and that affected me greatly and caused frustration. I admit that i spoke with intimidation and raised tone of voice a lot when we would exchange in arguments and now looking back at it i realise it triggered off how her Dad used to speak to her and her family so she would feel shut down. i can’t change it now but i realise what i actually did, in speaking to her like that.
My wife was studying in bible college at the time doing her degree and she struck a friendship with this woman who was 8-10yrs older than her who worked at the bible college and they began hanging out. She would go there to her house or meet somewhere when she would have issues with me or our marriage to vent to this chick and i hated that. Because i didn’t know this girl and i felt like my wife was investing more into her friendship with this girl than our marriage. i admit i fired up over that. I fought with her about it and said i won’t come second in line to your relationship with this girl. It continued on my wife tried to not hang out as much but then it didn’t last. This friend ended up leaving the bible college to start another job and i remember my wife coming home and she was deeply upset that her friend was leaving and i was like why are you so upset your still going to see her when you catch up? She didn’t even know, it was like she was grieving or something. From that moment on i knew the relationship was deepening and the girl offered my wife a job working with her and i was against that but i didn’t want to fight so i agreed, so for 2yrs my wife worked day in and day out with this girl and they would go out for dinners after work, they went away together, they texted each other over 40times a day even though they worked with each other. I got to a point where i had a go at her about it all. I felt like i was a nothing, i felt like everything was dying. We were having sex like once every 10days, we didn’t talk about anything deep, it’s like we were room mates.
I felt trapped like I had no one to talk to. I felt like i couldn’t go to my church because i didn’t want to expose what was really happening in our marriage and i couldn’t tell my mates because i felt they wouldn’t understand. So what did i do, i fell back into pornography a few times and i started playing this game app on my phone called words with friends and i started playing people all over the world and i would chat to men and women but i made the mistake of talking about my marital issues with these females and they would listen to me it was anonymous, so i thought why not but when i shared my desires sexually i wanted with my wife and the problems i was having and how horny i was all the time i knew i crossed a big line because these people would begin sharing there desires and experiences with me and it would turn me on. So this went on and off for about 5months and then i just knew enough was enough, and so i came clean to my wife about it all and i said i don’t want us to die and i don’t want secrets, she got up and hugged me and said i’ll forgive you in time but i need to go for a drive right now.
So we began counselling after that, and it was hard, I felt hope, I felt like we had a chance but then my wife refused to go anymore the anger started coming out for her. But I continued in counselling and have done ever since. But my wife left me not long after she stopped counselling and she moved in with that female friend. And so the process began. They began going away together, getting tattoos together, drinking together, they put on weight; they shaved their hair all off to near skin shave and my wife had beautiful brown long hair when she married me.
I miss her so much, i know that she is worth it to me. I know there is a beauty in her life that i need in mine and i don’t want us to die. I could keep going on and talking about the separation and all that entails and how in the beginning she would write me emails saying she still loved me, wanted me, wanted a new beginning with me and our relationship but that she needed time to heal. So i gave her all the time she needed and then in 6months it all changed she wanted out and nothing to do with me. I’ve not had one opportunity to work anything through and a couple of weeks ago i was served with divorce papers. I don’t want this that’s the bottom line. I believe we can be reconciled, i believe we can be restored and i would love it if you all could stand in prayer with me in my fight for my marriage covenant. I worked so hard the last 2yrs to really invest into changing and transforming my life from the inside out and that has happened no doubt. God’s grace has kept me, and through all the pain and hurt and seeing my wife live apart from me i won’t give up on her. I meant my commitment to her even though i made mistakes. I love God with all my heart, i want what he wants. I want a miracle victory story. So if you have time in your day to pray for me and my wife i would appreciate it so much.
Thank you for reading this and letting me share what’s in my heart. Peace & Love 🙂
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