The struggle is Reeeal ๐Ÿ˜–

Greetings MH community, just wanted to be open & honest also to give you an update on my situation I mentioned back in December about my story the last couple of years & my fight for my marriage & facing a divorce I don’t want. Would love it if you all could help me by praying for me.

Almost 3weeks ago the truth finally came out. My wife had been cheating on me for over a year in a lesbian relationship also she has bought a house with this other woman & is now engaged. And we aren’t even divorced yet. I feel humiliated, betrayed, angry, hurt deeply more than anything I’ve ever experienced.

It’s been a daze the last 3weeks, I’m surviving right now. Auto pilot you could say. Not talking much, not eating much, not sleeping much, have been wide awake most nights because of bad dreams & hurt. I feel thin like butter spread over too much bread.

I’ve really chosen to keep my heart close to Father God. I know he’s the only one that can help me heal & grieve & move forward truly without bitterness, unforgiveness & resentment creeping in. It’s been a battle in my mind & body. Anxiety attacks from the weight I feel are on me & then dealing with my sexuality I’ve fallen to pornography a few times I admit ๐Ÿ™ I desire so much to be close & to be seen, touched, wanted, taken care of spiritually, emotionally & physically. My spirit longs for oneness to be truly open & transparent & vulnerable. My wife & I holding nothing back. I really miss that part of marriage.

I’m doing well to manage my head space in spite of this tragedy. I’m writing in my journal, I’m keeping up with counseling weekly, I’m not giving up on studying my degree, I’m beginning to become healthier in my body & mind, I want to become the best I can be.

But I’m struggling too, as I said I’m horny all the time, I crave intimacy & oneness & I know that right now I’m not able to engage in that but I can focus in on my relationship with Christ, having self-control & moving towards my purpose on this earth & the word of God has helped me so much through this time of pain helping me to have hope in my mess even though I didn’t get the outcome I was praying & believing God for but to have hope that God still has a bright future for me even if my wife never reconciled to God or me.

But I still struggle with things as we all do. So yeah if you could help me by praying for me to help guard my heart & my mind & for strength to deal with everything I’m facing currently. That would be really appreciated & amazing. I don’t want to fall back into a habit of viewing porn, it’s a counterfeit intimacy & I want the real thing in time if God wills it again. I want to value & respect women & see them as unique, wonderfully made creations of God that have so much more to offer this world & people in it other than just their looks or sexuality or what they could do to a man in bed & I don’t want to think straight away when I see a beautiful female things like I want to be inside her or I wonder if she likes to suck cock, or anything else that’s just a sexual thought. I don’t want to support an industry that destroys marriages & aids human sex trafficking everytime porn is viewed. I want to have a healthy revelation of intimacy & be free from that prison of falling into habitual sin again. So yeah if you could all stand with me for those things in prayer. That’d bless me I know it.

Thanks again everyone for reading this.


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13 replies
  1. Upcomingauthor says:

    Always praying for you AH! Miss talking to you on M&S+.
    As cliche as it sounds, it will get better. Hang in there. I know God works miracles, and he didn't place that desire of intimacy in your heart to do nothing with it. You may not know what the outcome is going to be, but remember that he works out everything for the good of those who love him and are called to his purpose. That verse doesn't say it's all going to be good, but that everything will be worked out for their good. Hang in there man. I'm praying for you constantly.

  2. Harper Shelby Thornton says:

    Hi, I've been thinking about you! Of course I can pray for you, I can't tell you how terrible I feel about what's going on. She's so cruel to do this, but you can be sure God will deal with her. I understand your desire to be intimate, and you're right porn is bad as we know it. Now it's no sin to have sexual thoughts, necessarily (Depends on what you think about).

    I'm glad you hate the porn industry, I've heard and read some disturbing things, including former porn stars talking about the bad stuff that happens in the porn industry. Hopefully mentioning this will help deter you from viewing it.

    God bless you, and I pray things get better

  3. Lovinghusband says:

    I'm so sorry to hear about this difficult trial for you AH. Cling to Christ – He has you in His hands. I hope your church is a comfort to you. Praying for you. LH

  4. Alicia G. M. says:

    I am so sorry for you! What a fucked up situation. I want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. Keep your head up and look to the Lord for strength. We love you our brother in Christ. God bless you.

  5. TorrHead says:

    AH: So good to see your name once more on the MH feed, even as your post discloses so much that is hard to bear. The unraveling of a marriage is the wrenching of fabric that reaches to the core. And, to magnify the pain, you wrestle with the added burden of deception and your wife's failure to own the truth along the way. Now that more details have tumbled out (and, perhaps, your fears confirmed), the loss is brought to life again. I am so sorry. But, as we have talked before (over at M&SP), the Lord will honor you and weave together new threads that will bless and give life. Your thirst for a life partner, loved and loving, is Heaven-sent. Time may pass slowly, but in time, new days and new hope will merge and bring healing and confidence. Of this, I am certain, as you hold steady. Your post outlines all the right stuff; I'm a married man and porn still stalks–it's just part of the mix in this age of online. But, keep your heart tuned to Jesus and He'll see you through. You remain in our prayers. Prayer works. Like UA, I'll affirm that we miss ya at MS&P. I was off-line a few days, then found a DM from you re: request for some advice. When I tried to reply, I discovered you had left the community. I don't know the backstory–but, if you want to follow-up, glad to hear from you, anytime. Blessings, man. There is a world out here that cares about and is pulling for you..

  6. Juicy says:

    My brother! I wanted to let you know that I got your DM on MSP and I have tried. There are too many…….you know what I mean! I have been thinking of you, praying for you and missing our conversations. I read all of the comments before my own and what a loving supportive community you have here. So many people who have continued to pray, who have wondered what has been going on in your life, who care about how you are doing, people who want to offer as much support as they can and have offered what guidance they can.

    You are doing so many right things to move on in this part of your life. Now that doesn't mean that the struggles won't continue, hurt and pick at the raw parts that are still exposed, but keep moving forward by doing the right things, keeping supportive people in your life, and giving yourself credit for moving through each day, counting every success, no matter how big or small it is or even if your fail miserably that day. You have the right to be hurt, so own that but don't let it consume you because you are greater than that. You were betrayed badly and it will take time to learn how to trust again. Cling to your faith and God and you will be rewarded for that. I have no doubt that someday God will bless you with a life that is more than you could have imagined.

    Miss you brother!

  7. FTD says:

    Your very post is a prayer request that God our Father hears. He knows your thoughts and your intents. He will answer for His glory and your benefit. I encourage you to surrender to His authority in what He desires of you, with a willingness to obey.

    I don't say that lightly, as those two things are hardest to walk out, and modeling that for my spouse is a challenge at times. But it demonstrates God's design of the church to her bridegroom. (I know you're a man, but we're all Christ's bride).

    I'm sorry you're walking through this right now. We will be praying for you. Please hang in there and don't give up.

  8. AlwaysHorny says:

    Thanks for the prayers & responses to this post. Doing the best I can. I can begin again from right now. Grace, faith, trust in Father God. I choose that everyday. Even when I feel rage & pain. Yeah I miss MSP as well. I tried to go back on but you need an invitation now. I requested one but didn't hear back yet. Much love MH โœŠ๐ŸฝโœŒ๐Ÿฟ

  9. AlwaysHorny says:

    I tried to sign in to M&S+ but it didn't work. Says something went wrong & to request another invitation.

  10. AlwaysHorny says:

    Greetings MH ๐Ÿ™‚

    Itโ€™s been awhile, Iโ€™ve never actually written a story on here about hot monogomy. Itโ€™s a shame, but hopefully in time when Iโ€™m married again, I will have opportunity. However some of you may remember I went through a rough marriage breakup that tragically ended in divorce.

    Just wanted to let everyone know that Iโ€™m back reading MH again & welcome to everyone new & hello again to all the veteran MH writers & readers ๐Ÿ™‚

    Well done for the real writers, that tell real stories. Youโ€™re all sizzling I can see โœŠ๐ŸฝโœŠ๐Ÿฝ

    Bless yaโ€™llโ€ฆ

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