Is It Just Me Or Am I Weird?

Hi all! I am a Long time MH reader and first-time submitter. I just felt like I should come here and get some worries off my chest since this community seems to be a loving and accepting place when to comes to matters of sexuality and relationships. I am currently a 32-year-old single male still waiting to find that special someone God has for me. I feel like the wait gets worse as I get older though. I guess maybe this might have to do with the fact that I was a late bloomer in terms of puberty as a male.

When I was a teenager I never really was like all the other guys at my Christian school and church youth group. While all the guys were going crazy with their hormones and girls I wasn’t. Everyone always thought I was weird because I didn’t have much sexual interest in girls, didn’t talk about what I found sexually appealing about girls, obsessed with porn, had a girlfriend, worrying about which girls in the youth group wanted to “Do Me” or wasn’t thinking about sex 24/7. I was often bullied at school and church youth group over these things unfortunately and many even suspected that I might have been a homosexual. Unfortunately, I was even bullied by the girls as there was one incident where a girl grabbed and squeezed my behind while the rest of the church youth group girls laughed and humiliated me.

While the guys were all like “What is wrong with you?  That girl did that because she wanted to do you!” Growing up as a teenager was awful and not in the traditional way that usually is for most young males because of hormones. As I got a little older things didn’t improve in the way of relationships and such. I remember one of my former youth pastors tried to get some communication going between me and a young lady and this young lady said I “repulsed” her while running off making gagging noises. It didn’t really help my self-esteem much. So, in most of the churches I’ve attended every girl basically saw me as the guy they would never dream of getting in bed with. I know because these girls would sometimes gossip out loud not thinking that anyone could hear them, and I would, unfortunately, happen to overhear them saying these things about me.

So, I’ve been hurt badly in this area of my life and I never have even had a relationship with anyone, but I’ve been hurt by many people. So moving on as I’ve said before that I was a late bloomer I feel in terms of puberty as I feel like a really started puberty in my early 20’s. I started noticing girls and what turned me on and felt the need to masturbate regularly even though I felt guilty and wrong about starting to feel sexual and be sexual. This was because it was being taught at church that masturbating or feeling and being sexual was all lust and it was a sin. You could not feel, be, or think about sexual things until you got married otherwise you needed to repent of lust. So, I struggled throughout my 20’s with trying to suppress my newfound sexuality that was now blooming into existence as a young adult. My parents did talk to me about sex but basically told me that it should absolutely be saved for marriage and that was pretty much it.

In my late 20’s and now early 30’s through much prayer and study, I’m barely starting to come to terms with accepting my sexuality as normal and healthy and allowing myself to not be afraid of my sexual feelings and masturbation. I even bought a male masturbator to affirm masturbation is a normal and healthy thing (with a pure thought life of course). I feel weird and dirty saying this, but I’ve found that sexy school girl uniforms, panties, and lingerie really turn me on. I think I’m turned on by these things more than a fully nude female (I still love the nude female form don’t get me wrong). I even bought some sexy panties that I use to dress up a pillow that I snuggle and cuddle up with when I’m feeling lonely and dream about my future wife to come. I hope this doesn’t sound weird or creepy.

I feel that as a get old my libido is getting stronger though. I feel like sometimes masturbation doesn’t satisfy my sex drive. I feel like the need for a real connection with someone is growing stronger and stronger within me. Sometimes I feel like it’s driving me crazy. Sometimes I can’t even read the stories here on MH (even though I love them) because it can spark that strong feeling within me that feels like it’s making me go crazy. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s more than a sexual feeling. It’s like my body is craving to connect with another soul emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It’s really hard waiting and is a huge struggle for me right now but I’m trying my best to lay it all out in front of God and let him do what he does best. I just thought that I should get this all off my chest. God bless you all.

God bless you and keep you, God smile on you and gift you, God look you full in the face and make you prosper. – Numbers 6:24-26

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7 replies
  1. ArtRutherford says:

    Thank you for sharing. That's what we are here for. I know how you feel, I felt the same way. But what I found is that God is in control and has everything worked out! #Whatareyouworriedabout

  2. Harper Shelby Thornton says:

    You are NOT weird, you are very normal. We are naturally wired by God to be drawn to sex, it's only natural to desire companionship. God bless

  3. King David says:

    This is one of the saddest stories I have seen on this site. I really feel bad when I see people been that have been mistreated by other Christian as you were in your church youth group… I wonder what part of Jesus's teaching "love your neighbor as yourself" they are not getting.

    [Edited. Please be as respectful as you wish they had been.]

  4. Ddav2333 says:

    I feel like you ghost-wrote many aspects of my sexual experience. I'm happy that you are still fighting the good fight at 32. I waited until I was 25 before I finally broke, and it was only because I listened to the people (even family) who questioned my sexuality because I was 25 and never had a girlfriend, never brought a girl home. I think I would have lasted longer if I had come to a guilt-free understanding about masturbation. Also, it is possible to keep your thoughts pure and learn what feels good to your body in preparation for a marriage relationship. Hang in there and don't lose hope. God is able to meet and exceed your wildest expectations for your wife, and make every pain worth it! Praying for you!

  5. Meandmywife says:

    Hi, I respect anyone who really wants to do the will of God and trust in Him. RuriGokou i just want to say i know a very good young Christian lady. Who is seeking a Godly man. If you would like to get in contact with me we can go from there… God bless.

  6. RuriGokou says:


    I appreciate your comment but I'm pretty sure that even trying to get into contact with you would be breaking the rules of the site as we are not allowed to post any kind of personal information here. I will have to respectfully decline as I do not want to break any rules here on the site and be respectful of the rules here on MH.

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