The Story So Far

I wish I had an erotic tale to tell, but rather, this is a few different things.

First, a great big thanks to everyone here for all the great content and also for the emotional support you’ve shown me!

I told how my wife passed away in September of ’18 after a 17-year battle with ovarian cancer. I was surprised that my libido seemed to step up shortly after, and I’d been having trouble reconciling a Catholic upbringing with the need to masturbate to relieve this sexual tension. You all offered great advice and understanding, and I couldn’t be more grateful.

I miss my wife every day, and there’s still some survivor guilt, that I didn’t ‘bring her home’! In addition to this is some guilt that I feel when I see an attractive woman.

I see dating sites, and commercials about them, but I don’t want to go in that direction until at least a year has passed. I know there’s still a bunch of ‘firsts’ to deal with, and I feel it wouldn’t be fair to a prospective partner, as well as to my wife’s memory to ‘be back out there’ so soon! But the isolation, and missing the physical, intimate contact of a woman is ‘taxing’.

I still feel selfish when I get the urge to masturbate. And if I get the ‘urge’ 2 days in a row, I often feel guilty. (That upbringing won’t let go!)  Thanks to MH, I’ve managed to stay away from porn, though the temptation is there. And when I do masturbate, it’s just the feeling I focus on. I don’t fantasize about anyone.

Since I don’t foresee a relationship in the near future, I guess the big M is my way through this missing intimacy. I do remember encounters with my wife a lot of times, and that’s always good for me.

Didn’t mean to ramble, but I guess I’m asking if anyone out there has some ideas about getting past these guilt phases.

So thank you all once again for being there!


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15 replies
  1. Pushbabypushhard says:

    I feel you. When I was divorced, I would masterbate every night. Still do. Sometimes 2-3 x. The stories on here are HOT. I can see' how they Play Out. 😉
    It's hard at night. No pun intended. Haha.
    But I have to put it somewhere.
    Porn will kill you and your relationship with God and twist you in how you see women. So you are doing good.
    Keep stroking and squirting. Lol I don't believe I said that! Butt. …it's true.
    Guilt? Yes. It happens. But it's how to keep yourself pure at times. Read the Bible too. It can and will strengthen you. Phil 4:13

  2. CrazyHappyLoved says:

    Once again, I am so sorry for the loss of the love of your life. I don't think my advice will help you get over feelings of guilt for masturbating; I believe that you have deeply held beliefs that God doesn't like it. You have heard on this site from those of us who don't find evidence to support that in God's word, and I think intellectually that you believe that too. Your conscience, though, doesn't seem to agree.

    When you felt a sexual need for your wife when she was alive, was that wrong? Why should it be any more wrong now that she has gone to be with the Lord? You honor her when your sexual thoughts are on memories of her.

    It grieves you that you still live and have healthy urges though she rests. Do you think it would grieve her? Would it hurt her, in heaven where she is in perfect peace, to know that you miss her in every way and think of the good times with her often? Should that not include the sexy times?

    You are probably right to take time to heal, but it may be God's plan for you that another loving woman comes into your life. I don't think she will replace your wife; she will be a new, different blessing. The fact that your body still craves sexual fulfillment might be a good sign that you can fulfill her needs for it as well. Until then, I don't think you do wrong by your dearly departed to remember her during your times of need, nor to think about what you might have liked to do with her. "Think on these things…"

    I agree that the Word of God is where to turn for truth and grace. How about this verse: Isaiah 54:4 "Do not fear, you shall not be put to shame; do not be discouraged, you shall not be disgraced. For the shame of your youth you shall forget, the reproach of your widowhood no longer remember." Yes, it is addressed to Israel. But this is the heart of the God who loves you. Be comforted in your loss and in your growth toward your future.

  3. no butt says:

    I understand your feelings. I lost my first wife to a protracted illness and dealt with the same feelings you are. One word of advice. Don’t set arbitrary time constraints on seeking new love. My late first wife had encouraged me to go on with my life. A curiosity allowed God to lead me to my new wife. Setting a time frame might have kept me from finding the Godly partner to share life’s journey that He had for ready me.

    • Dale3 says:

      Thank you for this….and late condolences on your loss, but good for you on your new ….this gives me positive thoughts!! Thanx , again !!

  4. PacMan says:

    I think you can start by asking yourself “Is this a man-made guilt, or is this a Holy Spirit guilt?” I have personally found that guilt I had in the past about masturbation was misplaced. It was more man-made rules and rituals. Now, I am on the total other side. I believe masturbation is good and healthy… inside and outside of marriage. We gave our oldest two kids the “talk” last year, and we told them that we approve of masturbation (as long as it’s private and doesn’t involve porn) and they should proceed without guilt. I want my kids to have the “freedom” that our upbringings didn’t afford us. Keep strokin’! And don’t be afraid to thank God for the gift of your orgasm. We thank Him for providing a good meal, right? We can also thank Him for how we are wonderfully made as sexual beings and get to experience extreme physical pleasure. It’s a blessing!

    • Dale3 says:

      Thank You, PacMan;
      Your ideas about it being man made guilt are spot on….
      Thanks for your insight and caring !!

  5. Cuddles says:

    When I read your post Dale3 I thought to myself what on earth could I say to comfort him and that would really mean something to him.

    Well… the three people who replied sure did have something of weight and value to say to you!

    How wise and beautiful those encouragements are, and with a bit of humour in there as well.

    Thanks each of you
    and no butt.

    Dale3, I still don't really know what to say to you but I'm not perturbed any more because they've said it all as far as I'm concerned!
    Go well.


    • Dale3 says:

      You’re so right !!
      I knew the folks here would have advise and ideas, and , above all, caring !! I appreciate you all so much!!

  6. SecondMarge says:

    I just want to offer my sympathy for your loss. Having lost my first husband at a young age I feel your pain. I also was wrongly taught to feel guilty about sex. I never did feel the strong desire to masturbate you have, I certainly missed the intimacy. And masturbating can’t replace that. It took me a couple of years to crawl out of the dark place. Friends helped me. Their love helped me feel wanted, that going on was important, and there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Look to your friends to replace the feelings your hand alone won’t replace. If masturbating makes you feel better, do it as often as you like guilt-free. If you need erotica to help reach climax, use it. It will get better and maybe there is someone else out there for you. There is for me.

    • Dale3 says:

      Thank You, Second Marge;
      What you say is true, that masturbation doesn’t replace the intimacy…and condolences on your loss, as well….They say that grief is isolating, so I know I have to work on avoiding that, and not fall into the dark place….
      Thanks so very much !!

  7. RMD says:

    I’m sorry about your wife, I can only imagine what you’ve felt. My wife lost her first husband to brain cancer twelve years before we met on a Christian dating site. I had been divorced for three years by then. During that time and in the year between meeting and marriage I masturbated every day. I thought of it as an act of worship – a way to keep my passion under control, but also a way to feel our Father’s love in the gift of sex he designed for us. I think I felt closer to God after it was over than at most other times. I dreamed of the woman I hoped God would someday bless me with. She was mostly formless, faceless, just a true soul connection. I made love with her and she did with me. When my wife and I met online I didn’t shift my thoughts to her, but to the hope of her, if that makes sense. Don’t feel guilty about the urges and needs that God gave us. Our Father understands the power of sex since he made it, and he understands our heart's desire to please him. Use it well, with your heart God and know that masturbation can be honoring and pleasing to God. Pray for your future wife, that God will protect her and bring you together at the right time.

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