Sexual Compatibility

“Don’t you ever think about sex with other people?”

“No way could I ever wait. You need to test drive first.”

“It’s such a shame you waited. How do you know what real sex is like if you’ve only had sex with one person?”

“Sexual compatibility is important. Waiting until marriage leads to divorce and is dumb. You need to have sex first before marriage to see if you’re the right fit.”

“You married to have sex. Sex is an important part of a relationship. No way should you wait for marriage for sex.”

My husband and I waited fully until after our wedding to experience every aspect of marriage, one being intercourse. We don’t hide that we abstained. But we don’t judge others because every one of us is different and has fallen to sin. However, we know what it’s like to be judged for waiting. At church, we talk about waiting to help others, and we’re open with our journey. We know how hard it is in a broken world as Christians.

Many people try to shame us for waiting; this was a foreign concept to me at first. I fully trusted God with selecting my husband. I knew he was out there but didn’t know where or who. Little did I know that God had chosen the man who would be with me forever. I

t was a weird feeling. The little boy I grew up with at church would be my chosen one by God. I remember the feelings and thought, “Wow, I never felt like this before.” My husband felt the same way. When we started courting, it was clear we were meant to be.

I didn’t expect God to choose my husband at the time, but He did. I remember talking with my husband about our future during our courtship. We thought we would court for some time, but God clearly wanted us to be together. So why wait when you’ve found the one? The message was clear.

As Christians, we both knew what God wanted from us. That’s why we stayed true to our beliefs when we got engaged. It didn’t make waiting easier, but being patient is key; it makes everything worth it. We both knew what was to come. We love each other and God and chose to wait for the benefits of marriage with lots of prayer.

Our wedding day was beautiful. The wedding night was our first time together with only us in the room, and it was awkward at first. Everything we’d do now was legal in the eyes of God, but I won’t lie and say we were good at it.

It was a new experience to see each other fully nude and my first time seeing an erect penis. We didn’t know just how our bodies would fit. My body reacted to his, and for the first time, I got really wet between my legs. My heart beat fast and his matched it. We giggled and laughed at trying to find my hole. It was hard!

I’d never had this feeling before in my life; it was the first time I ever desired a man deeply. I wanted my husband inside me, ached to feel his penis enter me. Our hearts raced; we were both so nervous. Finally, we found my hole, and I felt him slowly enter me, my walls stretching around him. It’s a feeling I can’t describe fully. Then he thrust slowly, and my entire body washed away in pleasure. I’d never experienced this before, ever! I didn’t want it to stop; I wanted more and more.

Then came that moment—it was something I’ll never forget, such a sweet memory. My husband ejaculated inside me for the very first time.

“‘Wow, that was so amazing that we did that together,” I said. Then I felt semen dribbling out of me and didn’t know what to do. I thought it would soak up inside me, but it was coming out.

“What do I do?” I laughed. It leaked out, and I couldn’t stop it. Nobody tells you about clean-up—or the soreness! I was a bit tender between my legs because I’d never used those muscles. Then there’s the smell, the sweat, the exhaustion after you’re done. We experienced these together as first-timers, and it was precious.

The next time was similar. So was the next. One position over and over again. We got more comfortable as time passed and started discovering what we liked and didn’t like and how to position our bodies together. We learned what turns each other on and about orgasms, oral, fingering, and playing with each other and ourselves. I had my first orgasm with my husband.

If we’d videotaped our first time and compared it to now, it’s improved. It’s different. We’ve grown so much since our first time.

Sexual compatibility isn’t about how much sex you can have with a bunch of people. It’s about learning together and pleasing each other within marriage. I’ve never thought about what sex would be like with another man, and my husband has never thought about what sex would be like with another woman. God made us compatible.

I remember the first time we couldn’t have sex due to my husband’s surgery. I waited, and he did too until the doctors cleared him to have sex again. That break gave us much more appreciation for each other. I’m grateful that only we share this special gift. We don’t know what bad sex is. Every single time our bodies press together is a gift of love and pleasure.

So please don’t feel ashamed or believe that you must test drive people to feel sexual compatibility. God chooses our spouse. Sex is a learning process to go through together, and you will not get it right the first time. You please your spouse, and they please you; you find out what they like and don’t like by experimenting.

For instance, I love fingering. It drives me crazy. I love it when my husband pounds me and the look on his face when he reaches his end. I love having my breasts touched and sucked. My husband loves it when I suck him off and wrap my legs around him. We both love teasing and dirty talk. We figured it out and learned together. We’re still learning; we’re not pros, lol.

I remember when I orgasmed for the first time. It just happened. My husband found my spot, and bam! It happened. I was in tears; I didn’t know that could happen. I recently learned about Kegels, and it drives my husband crazy when I do them during sex. I’m grateful we can learn these things together.

We have nothing to compare each other to, but we’re not missing out on anything. We’re compatible because God chose us to be together, and we’re learning. Sex is about balance and figuring things out, not having as much sex as possible with different people to test drive. People aren’t cars; they’re people. God is amazing to create something so special that we can enjoy with our spouses, and it’s fun to learn together.

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20 replies
  1. G Lamar says:

    Nicely done!! My wife and I recently celebrated 51 years of marriage. My penis has only been in my wife’s vagina and mouth. Though less frequent, sex is better now than ever before! Your last paragraph summed thing up quite well.

  2. Atlantic Man says:

    I disagree. I think 'sexual compatibility' really does vary. I certainly reject the idea of 'test driving' different partners to somehow find the 'most sexually compatible'. But I disagree with those who dismiss the whole idea and say 'as long as the body parts fit, you're compatible.' I'm sure it works for a lot of people, but that doesn't mean it works for everyone.

    As I've written in my own posts here, I've never felt my wife and I are all that 'sexually compatible.' Even in our honeymoon and initial years as newlyweds, and despite premarital counseling, we never seemed to be on the same page regarding frequency, variety, or even just ability to talk about sex and interest in trying to grow sexually. That's still the case. But what hurt the most for many years is the feeling that I was somehow missing the answer; that there was some sort of solution that would create that magic 'sexual compatibility' that I had been led to believe all God-fearing couples would experience in marriage. I only started healing when I rejected that approach, and accepted that we really are on opposite pages when it comes to sex.

    Again, I certainly don't agree with the idea of 'test driving' or choosing your spouse solely based on sexual chemistry. We have a good marriage, even if we're not on the same page sexually. But I think it's equally corrosive to lead people to believe that everything will just magically work out.

    • Shrek4fun says:

      Have you ever considered more counseling? To see if you could get from good to great? There is a lot of emotion in/behind your words. Praying for God's best for you both!

    • Honeymooners says:

      It's hard to figure it out. We had to figure out how to fit everything together. It's a process. We're still learning. We didn't get it right the first time

    • Atlantic Man says:

      Shrek4fun, there's been plenty of counseling and effort, by both of us. As I've posted in my own stories, I've left no stone unturned. Her issues with sex are deep. But thanks for your comment.

  3. SecondMarge says:

    I am pleased you have a happy marriage. But saying you don’t judge others who don’t wait then call them sinners for not waiting? Sorry, but that is judging them. To me, believing God chose and sent you your spouse is the equivalent of not taking medicine because God will cure you. At best, one should let your beliefs guide your choices.

    • Shrek4fun says:

      Sorry Marge i seem to have missed something. Where did she call them sinners?
      And she did let her beliefs guide her choices…

    • Honeymooners says:

      We don't judge others. We said we all fall to sin. We're human beings. God does choose our spouse. He chose my husband and I. Our beliefs do guide our choices.

    • SecondMarge says:

      I agree our experiences and beliefs determine who we choose along with opportunity. We only meet a very infinitely small number of possible mates. As far as God taking an active role in sending your husband to you? God is not a match maker. Had we turned left we would have met a different group of people and married a different person. Maybe been happier, maybe not. My faith does not include Gods micro managing every Christians life.

  4. LovingMan says:

    So many things I want to say. Sorry, this is going to be on topic but long. I agree with you Honeymooners that sex is meant to be enjoyed within the marriage bonds. I also feel like every time I get to make love to my wife is a great peak experience! I loved your post! It was truly beautiful!

    I think it’s sad that Satan’s lies have so many people convinced that sex outside of marriage is fine. It’s also sad that some who do wait for marriage are persecuted for it.

    Yet we can’t deny the power of the atonement of our Savior. Those who truly repent can be forgiven and yes we all are guilty of sin. Your attitude, to me, was not judgemental, and that was great. We have to believe and have faith that God forgives sins.

    Those of us who know God’s commandments are held more accountable in God’s eyes if we reject His commandments. I feel that others who were not raised in a home of faith are far less accountable.

    I had sex one time outside of marriage—after my first marriage failed—and I felt the Holy Spirit withdraw. I had to fully repent & change my attitude and behavior before I had the full guidance & peace of the Holy Ghost again. So I am very glad that when I met and dated Melodie, SHE had faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ.

    Melodie & I waited to have any intimate contact beyond kissing & hugging & holding each other. She was a vaginal virgin & she gave me her virginity after we married. It was a glorious experience for both of us, although it was also very physically painful for her.

    In regards to Atlantic Man’s comments: My wife and I have desire discrepancy; I could have sex daily, and she prefers once a week. Twenty-two years into our marriage, we had marriage/sex counseling by a Christian husband & wife marriage/sex therapist team. We also read some books about marital sex, and we researched studies online, as well. We both had been sexually abused for years as children. It was a blessing that we both had individual counseling for years before our wedding. But some things remained.

    So eight years ago we set a sex schedule of usually every other day and Melodie going for an orgasm every other lovemaking session… and that worked for us.

    I desired more sexual variety within our marriage, and we compromised there, too. For instance, she gives me oral on holidays, birthdays, & our anniversaries. Sometimes Melodie will surprise me with a hot and heavy sex session that is off schedule. But I know not to expect that every time.

    We changed the sex schedule 10 months ago to less often due to more complex health conditions, but we still have sex twice a week or so & we usually both have orgasms during our sex session.

    I have learned to be grateful for what we DO share. We still aren’t 100% compatible sexually, but I pray to be satisfied with whatever we do sexually together. We are enjoying our sex life together more than ever, in spite of our extreme health limitations.

    So I agree that it isn’t always smooth sailing sexually in every marriage. We need to do a better job educating ourselves and our youth about sex. It can be a glorious experience but it may be a challenge sometimes as well.

    • Atlantic Man says:

      Thanks Loving Man. Respectfully, the differences I am talking about haven't been as easy to bridge. The biggest issue is not frequency or variety but, as I said, the ability even really to talk about sex and wanting to grow sexually, which my wife struggles with, despite lots of talk and counseling over the years. Our premarital counseling didn't pick up on that, leading to a big shock after we got married, and not one we've ever really been able to overcome, despite much effort.

    • Honeymooners says:

      Your story and comment is so beautiful. God Bless You. Sex outside of marriage is the norm that waiting is seen as bad. We were told even by some Christians you need to test drive first before you marry. Yikes. We're grateful God created sex to share with our spouse. But there's a lot of pressure, I'd say, to do it outside marriage.

  5. CreamyPatty says:

    It's hard to believe anyone would shame a person for preserving virginity until married. So many factors shape attitudes regarding sexual activity, and I will not go in to it. Suffice it to say, be true yourself and the partner you are involved with. Hopefully your communication line to each other is honest and open.
    While Jim and I were dating, sex was a very hot topic between us; I'll admit that in our college years, we went at it like rabbits and even talked with friends about favorite positions, techniques, oral skills, etc., so once we were married, we had a big head start.
    But that's just how we evolved…

    • SecondMarge says:

      Not any of our place to try and shame people regardless if their decision is to wait or not to wait. I believe the logical decision is not to wait after having experienced entering marriages both as a virgin and obviously the other not one. But faith and logic are often in disagreement. My belief includes that God never intended his children to wait from puberty until into their 20’s or longer to have sex. In my opinion, scripture was meant to mean wait until you are no longer a child, after puberty. Moving the suggestion until 16, 18, 21 were all mankind’s decision for political and financial reasons. Nothing to do with religion.
      But beliefs vary and science and medicine progress. Everyone has to make the decision they think works best for them. Not convince others they know the decision they should make.
      Vast majority of people become sexual with another person around college, and for the vast majority of them it’s the right decision. For those that wait for marriage, incompatibility is a major downside that afflicts many. Neither issue is insurmountable.
      Either way no one should shame someone for waiting or claim those that did not wait have sinned.

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