Purity Questions
My wife and I both grew up very conservative. She was a virgin when we got married. I had been married before, but my first wife went to be with God at the age of 24.
My new wife and I both masturbated before marriage; I had “beaten the meat” every day for years. After being married for a while, I began to watch porn and masturbate. It became somewhat of an addiction.
Then I found this site and also SOTB. That became too much. I joined a group for sex addicts. They are extreme in my opinion. Personally, I can masturbate without porn or thinking about sex. They say masturbation is a sin because of what you think about while doing it.
I do agree that masturbation can be an addiction to the release of hormones in the brain. Like anything, you can abuse it in order to release endocrines, etc. to deal with stress. I know that here, some people are too liberal for me.
I am looking for a balanced approach. Is it wrong to read stories here and masturbate in order to release endorphins, etc.? My wife’s biggest concern is that I do it alone without her and/or don’t let her know. I won’t get into our sex life yet. I want her to read things here and also be adventurous, but she just isn’t. We can discuss that later.
Nothing wrong with masturbation as long as it doesn't take away from intimacy with your spouse.
My wife is lower drive than me by quite a bit. A compromise we did several years go is this: no masturbating without the other's knowledge first. I can ask for sex, but if she says no or is not in the mood, I can masturbate, nearly always with her being there and helping. But no solo masturbation. It was difficult to give up, and sometimes I am tempted, but I don't.
We have been doing this for several years, and I can say it is one of the best things we have done. I still get a sexual release if I need it, and she still has the opportunity for sex.
I think the no-solo thing is more important for men than women. Men's brain chemicals change more after orgasm than women's. Women's change some, but not as much. Men lose interest in doing things with their wives and tend to go on to other things after they have masturbated.
jwdmccarty2902, you are probably not going to like my response to your question. I see masturbation to be okay or not okay depending on how it is used. I see nothing wrong with it, when used as an alternative to sex, if a couple cannot have sex because of medical reasons, travel separations, or other reasons that make sex impossible or inconvenient or when it is used as part of sex play i.e. watching each other masturbate.
But your wife’s concern that you do it “alone without her and/or don’t let her know” is valid. If she is available and willing, your masturbating instead of giving her the conjugal rights that are hers seems selfish. Sex is more than an orgasm. It is relationship. It is two people knowing each other in a special way only available to them – becoming one as it says in Genesis.
I have some of the same “conflicting” feelings. Interested to see responses.
I encourage you to flee from labeling things as “conservative, moderate, liberal.” Those labels are VERY subjective, and may hinder your ability to find your own path.
I feel like I could write a book here, but I won’t. I’ll just make 2 quick points. Feel free to follow up with more Qs here, or just email me (you can easily guess my email).
1. Masturbation has lots of health benefits, including endorphin release, prostate health, body positivity, etc. If you are able to communicate openly with your wife about masturbation, you are in a really healthy place. Jacking alone is not wrong in itself.
2. Our society loves labels (see my first paragraph), and “addiction” is a commonly misplaced one. Some people have “problem use” (of whatever stimulant) and it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s addiction. And it’s quite possible the guilt/shame you are experiencing is very man-made. Like “I *shouldnt* be this way,” so you beat yourself up. Are you masturbating 5-10 times a week? That’s likely more in the “normal zone”. My main point, let’s slow the roll on saying you have an addiction. Being an addict and just really enjoying something are NOT the same thing.
My wife & I are happy and fine with masturbation, together, and alone! We started talking about it shortly after we got married, which included a lot of show & tell on the subject! (That was a lot of fun, and educational!)
As far as reading for motivation, we think that's fine too. My wife does that a lot more than me.
As far as porn, no. Any pics we look at, are of each other, and us together.
The only no-clause we have for not masturbating is that it can't cause us to not have sex together. So, telling my wife, no, no sex right now….. I just beat off and shot a big load on the big tree out back, is against the rule. Both of us sometimes just want to masturbate, which is fine, but if we're both home, we let the other know. It's a "Hey, I'm gonna get myself off with the Magic Wand. Wanna watch?" Or, just a stroll out to the living room, naked, with wand in hand, and start in front of me.
Simply, we knew we masturbated when I was away from home all the time for work, and we know we are masturbating and when if we do it at home. I think too many couples are way too uptight about it, thinking it's a bad thing. It's not!
These are deeply loaded thoughts. To unpack all of this takes time.
I understand your dilemma and can relate. Continue to meditate on these topics and start the discussion with your wife. Be open. Be honest. Consider various points of view (her too). By doing this, you're bringing these things into the light. From experience, my wife wants to hear my thoughts no matter what; that way she won't be anxious about what I'm doing and can process them on her own.
It sounds like you want us to make a moral decision for you. No one can do that for you. One response may be too liberal, a other may be too conservative.
One more comment: you and your wife are one flesh. As hard as it may seem 'cause we're often selfish, we need to prefer others above ourselves (not to sound cliche), but it helps keep the shalom.
Thanks for being here and bringing up this question. I hope more people give insight because there's a lot more to say.
God bless you and your marriage.
This issue isn't black and white, but I have 3 thoughts.
Don't let it be a distraction or something that pulls you away from God. If you have enough balance in your life that you're still in God's word every day and you're still giving time to your responsibilities to your family, your wife, and your work (in the Lord), then it's a non-issue.
My other thought is that when we first got together, my husband masturbated a lot. He masturbated in a way that caused him very different sensations than what he experienced in sex with me. It actually made it harder for him to come from sex, and he usually had to masturbate to be able to ejaculate during sex. So he doesn't masturbate very much anymore, which was the right decision for us.
Also, as a woman, I masturbate when I want to sort of prime my body when there's a good chance we're going to have sex soon. I also do it when I feel like it contributes to my health, like if I feel like I've been too dry.
"Guy" here. We may rationalize certain behaviors, but that's completely subjective. Those of us who try to follow Biblical admonitions have a guideline.
"The marriage bed is undefiled", is one. So what "Blue" and I mutually enjoy and have a clear conscience about, is what we share. The book of the "Song of Solomon" paints images of outdoor sex, oral sex, and lots of sex!
Porn is a temptation, especially nowadays. Like most men, I'm visually stimulated. If you have to , maybe making your own PRIVATE videos with your wife could be the inspiration you need?
( if she mutually agrees). Fellas, chime in here.