Lack of Attraction
Long time lurker, first time poster. I wanted to see if I could get some input from folks on a predicament in which my wife and I have found ourselves. Long story short, since the first day of our marriage, I have not had romantic feelings for my wife nor am I physically attracted to her. Yes, there’s probably a lot of questions as to how one gets into such a marriage, but that’s an extremely long story that I/we are unpacking in therapy.
We’ve been married for five years now, and I’ve felt stuck since day one. Just in the past few weeks, this issue of lack of attraction and feelings has bubbled up to the surface after a long time of ignoring these concerns. As two people who are doing our darnedest to follow Jesus, divorce is not an option. Well, to be honest, I’d like it to be an option, but I’m doing my darnedest. To complicate things, we have a 6-month-old son now whom we both dearly love, but obviously just the practical challenges of taking care of children doesn’t make any of this easier.
So I really don’t know what to do. I want to be able to find my wife beautiful, but I just don’t. But there’s got to be some way around that, some way to convince myself otherwise that isn’t just me trying to trick myself. Pre-marriage, I had girlfriends to whom I was physically attracted and women I knew that I found generally attractive, but physical attraction was just not in the calculus for my ultimate marriage decision. I really feel this was a mistake on my part, but it’s too late to go back now. Any tips here would be greatly appreciated.
At the risk of being trite, have you tried prayer?
I found myself in a position where I was trying to lead my marriage to emulate the biblical portrait of Ephesians 5 and was specifically craving respect from my wife. She was trying to give it to me but we are imperfect people and she was finding it a challenge to give me what I was looking for.
The Holy Spirit led me to do my part by praying I would love my wife even more than I already did, and He brought that about. Then, I prayed it again and He increased my love for her again. I did it again, and again, and again, because it worked. He is faithful.
As Jesus said, "Ask and you will receive." We can read that and agree with it in our minds, but getting it down into our hearts is as task, a task He is desperate to help us achieve.
@heyheyheyhayden
I saw your post and made an account so I could talk to you.
While our circumstances were not the same, I struggled with attraction towards my spouse as well. The biggest thing that helped me was a book called
"His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley.
It gave us a better understanding of what attracts us and what doesn't. It also gave us a vocabulary to better our communication.
Hello also had a short sequel dedicated to parents, but definitely read the first one first.
I hope the book helps. You're in my thoughts and prayers brother.
I am married to a wonderful woman who is over ten years older than me. She is still beautiful to me. I see the changes of age but we are so bonded that I still see her beauty on multiple levels.
I frequently pray for Heavenly Father to keep blessing me with feelings of attraction for my wife. It has certainly worked for us.
I think that us being good friends first really helped. Then those feelings of attraction came out of that friendship.
That being said, we HAVE had our conflicts and marriage counseling- including seeing a married team of sex therapists – really improved our relationship. We set up a sex schedule that we follow except in the case of illness etc. Following the sex schedule really has helped us.
Of course we have a very different situation than you. Quite honestly I’m obsessed with my Melody’s curvy body. So maybe I’m not much help. However, marriage counseling/sex therapy still might make a difference for you.
And you actively praying for those feelings of sexual attraction in your private prayers may help too. Also, some individual therapy might help as well. My wife & I have done that too.
Could you please be more specific why you believe you have no feelings for your wife?
I understand you are in counseling, so that tells me they are likely some very deep-rooted issues in play.
But I’m just trying to understand the WHY, concerning (as you say), you have not had romantic feelings nor are you attracted to her.
I don’t know but I’m hopeful I may have some helpful thoughts – considering I married a woman I was not physically attracted to at first.
But, we’ve always had a strong friendship and romance, so our situation may be way different from yours.
You said it’s a long story, so I’m a bit confused….
Wow, what a difficult situation. Reminds me of some friends from the Indian culture. They have arranged marriages and “learn to love each other.” Similarly, I like the phrase “love is a decision.” So while love is not necessarily physical attraction (Eros), as long as you’re not turned off by your wife, maybe that will be “good enough”?
Lord, bless my brother with the ability to make his marriage work, and love as close to the way You do as possible. Give him strength … and attraction to his wife, I pray. In Jesus’ name, amen.
I was thinking similar. I have relatives from a similar culture who were an arranged marriage and at least the wife had to “learn” to love and be attracted to her husband.
Yeah, so for all intents and purposes, this was essentially an arranged marriage. She comes from a culture where that's a thing, and I do not, and there wasn't really an option to have any courtship or dating before making a marriage decision. I approached her family based on my initial interest. So I essentially got myself "arranged". We didn't know each other super well. It's a long, complicated story though and there's a lot of context that's just too long and complicated to fit here.
While I know you said this is a long story, please don’t discount the possibility of post-partum depression for both you and your wife making things even harder. Perhaps consider taking to your family doctor as well as your counsellors?
But in the bigger picture, all of us who are married can (and should!) be praying to Jesus for the courage and strength to love our spouses in the everyday stuff of life.
And to encourage you, look to Galatians 6 and the fruit of the Spirit. Ask for these in your marriage, in the small things. And “in due season”, I pray you will reap such a harvest of blessing and love in your marriage and family ❤️
You said, “ Pre-marriage, I had girlfriends to whom I was physically attracted and women I knew that I found generally attractive, ”
Do you now find other women attractive? Or more than this, do you dwell on the beauty of other women? Do you view pornography? Does your participation in a site like this (or other sites) build what you want or does it make you lose even the small amount of attraction you have for her?
Perhaps your medication of your attraction with distraction is sabotaging any realistic chance of making a good sexual relationship with Mrs. Hay.
Most likely, Lady Hay has mapped your lack of desire for her. This causes her to protect herself from the deep deep hurt of your rejection. So, she doesn’t try to engage with you out of self defense.
Unpopular opinion: you made the choice to marry but now continually rejecting her (not turning down sex but rejecting her more deeply as a woman who, by God’s design, longs for and deserves to be loved) has set HER up for a lifetime of feeling unloved, not beautiful and with regret. If you can’t love her, you may want to divorce her so that she isn’t stuck in a crappy marriage that she will never be fully loved. Think about what you’re doing TO her.
This is a tough one to give earthly advice because what attracts one man might repel another. I never understood why Prince Charles was more attracted to Camilla than he was Diana as a kid, but understand it now.
So, I suspect you should pray about it as other suggested. Also, if your wife finds you attracted and aggressively wants to strip you and have her way with you, then concentrate on being the person to bring her orgasms.
I’m an adult male and I STILL don’t know why Charles chose Camilla over Diana… but every man is different!
Not sure if I have any useful advice, but curious if she feels the same towards you. You said that you never had romantic feelings or attraction towards her, was it always the same for her? Tough situation for sure. I hope you two can chart a path forwards.
I’m hoping we hear back from you, brother.
I don’t know if this helps at all, but my wife was quite overweight when I met her, and she is now morbidly obese. You are definitely not the only man in the Body of Christ who married a wife who doesn’t fit society’s ideal of what an attractive woman looks like.
It isn’t always easy, but my wife and I have sex fairly often, and I love her very much and wouldn’t want to leave her.
I’d be lying if I said the attraction always happens easily, but there is an ember there, and it can be cultivated, if I work at it and do the right things.
Please remember that even the most attractive people can have serious accidents or changes in their health that make them no longer physically attractive. And, age affects all of us.
So, I personally think you made a wise choice to choose a partner on other factors than the outward appearance. The Bible would seem to verify this choice as well.
And like I said, some cultures have arranged marriages, including until recently, a culture I am partly descended from. As I said in another comment, I have a female relative who was not at all attracted to, and did not love, the man that her parents chose to be her husband. Over time, she came to appreciate him due to their mutual love for Christ and realized she depended on him, even loved him and found him handsome in his own way.
Attraction is not the be all – end all when it comes to having a successful marriage, although Western culture conditions many to believe it is……. I do not believe it is, and I believe that the historical precedents, as well as scripture (“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” Prov. 31:30), as well as my own story, bear witness to that.
I said a prayer for you and your wife. May God bless you both.
As you predicted, I am indeed curious how the marriage came to be when you had no romantic feelings or physical attraction for her, but I'll skip over the strangeness of it since that's not what you're asking about. Suffice it to say, for the benefit of other single readers: there are many reasons to avoid getting married, and a complete lack of romantic and physical attraction is one of them.
Based on the context you describe, I agree, divorce is not an option. It may have been an ill-considered idea to get married in the first place, however that came to be, but the reality is that sacred promises were made, and they must be kept.
I do agree with undeservinggrace that prayer is important. Growing your relationship with God and your faith in him is Step 0 in addressing ANY situation in life. It needs to come before any other step, because it is only from that relationship that you will have the wisdom, hope, patience and courage to deal with things in the right way.
Beyond that, one idea I have is to research and understand the concept of neuroplasticity. It's essentially a sciencey way of saying that you can train yourself into almost anything. If you truly want to find your wife attractive, it's actually highly possible. I'm no expert in the field, but I know there are ways to change behaviors, desires, mindsets, perceptions and more. I'm not well-informed enough to suggest any specific techniques, but I know they exist, and it sounds like they'd be worth looking into for you.
One thing I can suggest is to pick something, anything, about your wife that you DO find attractive, and think about how attractive that particular trait is. Something about her personality, something she does that says something about who she is, etc.
At first, it may seem artificial. But go into it with a mindset that your conscious mind runs your life, not your heart. Your choices run your life, not your feelings. Feelings follow your choices to some degree. Therefore, you have some measure of control over how you feel, and you can gradually train yourself to feel how you want to feel, to a certain degree. I know this from personal experience in different areas of my life. Hopefully that kind of mindset and intentional directing of your feelings can help you too!
As a final note, it may help you (and those of us attempting to give advice) to understand what your wife's feelings are toward this situation. Is she aware of this lack of attraction? Is she aware of the clearly flawed decision making process that led you two to get married? Is she also committed to making the marriage work and seeking to foster a truly loving relationship despite its unromantic beginning? If you're both committed to that, and both seek God's grace on your situation, I'd be optimistic about your chances for success.
I pray God would lead you both to grow into a marriage relationship that is truly loving and satisfying.
Without knowing the details we are just left to guess on maybe this, or maybe that. That never works out. I am hoping since you know you left out the details that you know that we don't need them to help.
Many people in the Bible had relationships they did not desire. Hosea was married to a prostitute. Hosea even had children by this prostitute. This prostitute was very unfaithful, too. Joseph had to marry Leah. David married Michal. Attraction was not the reason Esther was married to the King. Nor, does it seem it rated up there in Ruth & Boaz's marriage. Jesus is our groom & it says we were His enemies, but He still went to the cross for us. And, Jesus was not a good looking man that people would desire Him.
Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, & Abednego were in a country they did not want to be in. Joseph was sold against his will into Egypt. Moses did not want to go back to Egypt. Jeremiah had to put up with people that didn't put up with him.
It seems that modern cultures put a big emphasis on the feels, & attraction. Don't get me wrong it helps, & it is there. Yet, love doesn't have to have it, to love.
Jesus said to give to those who can't give back to you. He asked why only love those who love you back? God's loves us, the undeserving. That is why grace is big with God. Forgiveness isn't earned. It is given out of love. Even though, Jonah hated the Ninevites, God still wanted him to go & save them. It seems God is counterculture to our feelings, romance, & attraction.
Romance & attraction are absent, but you had a baby. Congrats, btw. So, it seems you two have sex, or at least did once. I can reflect on my own marriage where lack of enthusiasm for sex, on her part, can deflate my arousal & enthusiasm for her. Yet, the longer I go without sex the more sexual I can become. Which kinda makes the leader in me take over & we will have sex, sometimes after a long while. Attraction isn't always looks, but can be a behavioral thing, too. I can get turned off if my wife doesn't act in the mood, or even just chummy with me. This can be a real thing, & turns out mostly my own take, because we don't communicate. When we do talk, I find out she still loves me & wants me. She is just a different person than me.
My answer to every dilemma is always Jesus. So, regardless of your details, find your answer in scripture. How did Joseph deal with slavery in Egypt? How did Jesus handle the crowds? How did Hosea handle his prostitute wife? How did Jonah deal with having to go to Nineveh? We are called to walk approved of God, before Him. Be as He is. Loving enemies, doing good to enemies, & being the best love people can experience. God says be blameless. No one is to come back & be able to point fault at us. That we didn't love. We are to be Christlike. We take the blows, the spit, & the cross. We don't retaliate, take revenge, nor harbor bitterness in our heart.
You have a chance to awaken into some very deep & rewarding truth right now. Life isn't what we make. Life is who went to the cross. You can be like Him. You may not know this, but God wants you where you are. If He didn't you wouldn't be there. You have what it takes to love without romance & attraction. And, it doesn't have to be fake. But, you have to seek Jesus first. I often look at God pointing to what I have put up with in my wife. Then, He reminds me of what He has put up with, in me. God is your example. As He has loved you, love your wife. Don't make it what you think it should be. Make it what God wants. He wants to love your wife through you.
Where to start? Your very own life with Jesus. We've all have our lessons to learn. Become a God pleaser as a way of life. Become a disciple, a student, of Jesus. Let God minister to you. This will never end, & God never promises it will be easy. But, faith knows God is pleased, & that He rewards. Honestly, the reward may not happen til Heaven. But, if that is the case it will well be worth the toil. God's rewards always blows our trouble away! You will become a more well mannered person on your journey. God will be able to use you, He will mature you, & others (your wife) will be affected & blessed. God will use you to help them if they are able to be helped.
Some people's heart cannot be changed, though. We sinners are stiff necked, stubborn, & often insist against God. God is not a genie in a lamp. He made both the lamp & the genie. You getting right with God has to be for God, & you. You can't do this to get something back. Other people may never change, even when you do. Yet, God's rewards always bless your socks off, in His timing, in His way. The other person, the situation, may not change because they are not open to God as you are. Do it to please God, no matter what circumstances rise or fall around you. The point is to be a child of God in the hard, or the easy. Don't go deeper with God to make your life easier. God doesn't do as He is told.
Check your salvation WITH SCRIPTURE. Not people who need the Word to save them. The church is way messed up sometimes. We follow humans instead of God. Jesus, & the power of His cross saves you. Believe & get baptized into Jesus' name, & no other. Read John. Then, compare your steps of salvation with those the people in Acts took when they heard the Gospel. Do that & know you are saved. Then, if you sin, know you are saved. Repent, confess, & know you are saved. Keep following Jesus & know you are saved. I say this because satan can accuse us, & cause us to doubt our salvation. We can fret & panic. We can feel the pressure of a sin I committed again, or the pressure of not wanting to be who we are, or where we are & we can question our salvation. We can doubt God loves us. We can doubt we are forgiven. That is a ploy of satan. Get right with God, by scripture, the Word of God, Jesus, no one else, most of all yourself. Don't trust what feels. Trust Jesus. Trust the Word. Take your ability to understand & use it to wrap your head around Jesus' teaching. Allow that to pair with His Spirit in you & you will become a spiritual man & see your marriage with God's understanding.
Be Christlike. Forgive any you might blame for your predicament. Even yourself. You can do it. Faith says you can. Believe it against your own doubt.
It sounds like your wife knows your feelings, it doesn't matter if she does or not. You can still be a genuine husband. She is in it, too. Treat her like you want her to treat you. Don't judge her. Understand her. Go the extra mile. Give an extra cloak. She slaps one cheek turn to her the other. Share your faith, not your doubt. Faith is shared by actions that show you rely on God, therefore you share His provision to meet the needs of others in ways that scream God's love, & not just some worldly look alike expectation.
Get to know Jesus, & yourself. Read, study scripture. Fulfill your vow to God. Walk through your predicament with Him. Talk with Jesus. Allow Him the time to answer. He will minister.
I say none of this in judgement. I am just one beggar telling another where I found food. I know the frustration & pain of not being happy & I know Jesus saves. I can't imagine how things feel in your shoes. But, you're doing good. You're reaching out. That is God in you. You're strong, you can do it. God's got it. Jesus cares about your despair. He will calm your storm.
Some very good points there!
I don’t have advice. I have questions, because there’s clearly a lot of extra stuff going on, that you say is too complicated to explain. But you’ve clearly got an unusual situation here so I’m not sure most standard advice will work.
My biggest: is your wife at all aware of your lack of attraction? Or is she blissfully unaware? Are you confident she is attracted to you? Is this a one-way problem, or something you can at least partly approach together with at least some transparency?
-You say you’re “not attracted” to her physically. But are you _unattracted_ to her – as in turned off or even repulsed because shea too fat/too skinny/whatever? Or is she just not turning your crank, so to speak – if you were strangers passing on a street you wouldn’t notice or think twice about her, either positively or negatively? Do you have difficulty getting aroused for sex with her? How is the sex? And once again flipping it around – what’s your sense of how she would answer these questions?
-same thing for “romantic feelings.” Clearly there’s no spark there, even at special moments. But what is there instead? Do you feel at least some love, dedication, and loyalty to her (beyond pure obligation)? Or is it chronically “I wish she’d just disappear”? And “I’m so done with living with her.”
What I’m getting at here is whether the issue is a lack of attraction (neutral), or downright unattraction (negative). Most couples go through at least phases of the neutral “meh” state…but that’s normal and you can at least build on that. The negative “I can’t stand him/her” is more difficult (though we all have those short-term moments!) and if it’s chronic is probably going to get worse over time.
A final thought, which not everyone here will agree with, is that divorce should always be an option – feeling truly trapped in a negative-state marriage is unhealthy for all parties including kids. But it does sound like she would never accept it…which is why I’m asking about her own thoughts and if she knows your own feelings.
You say you’re in therapy and I think that’s far better than advice from random people on the internet. But those are my questions and I guess a little bit of advice.
I would say immerse yourself in marriage positive influences. Books or podcasts are cool. Try 'the naked marriage' podcast. Great down to earth advice from a couple that are so pro marriage.
Spend quality time with her. Date EVERY week. Even if it's a candle lit meal at home after the littlun has gone to bed. Compliment her ALL the time. She will flourish if you are her biggest fan. Find lots of different ways of telling her how great she is; what she does, how she looks…whatever.
I think there is nothing more sexy than a wife who is happy. Her happiness is your business. Your job.
And….. if you're into porn, stop it today.
Tell someone. Maybe her, maybe a trusted friend. Get accountable. Cut it out of your life. It will change you.
I agree. It makes me a bit sad that some of the comments seem to imply there’s no hope, or might as well throw in the towel. As long as there isn’t abuse or infidelity we haven’t been told about, I think something as special as marriage is worth fighting for and making the most of.
Science is finding out that there is literally such a thing as "chemistry" among people that draws us to genetically-compatible mates that make for healthier children. My wife is easily one of the ten most attractive people I have ever seen. But there was something else that drew me to her more than anyone else I had ever dated. We never got close enough before marriage to smell anything sexual, but I remember her smelling really good. She never wore perfume, and used unscented or no deodorant.
So this could explain why we meet people who are attractive and have many of the characteristics we are looking for, but for some reason it never develops into anything.
While I believe that arranged marriages is not within God's ideal plan for us, it seems that the majority of people in arranged marriages manage to fall in love. That's what sex does. Paul says that even sex with a prostitute creates this "one flesh" bonding.
So how is your sex life?
A very relevant question here — is your wife really unattractive for some reason, or i she just not your type or something like that? If she is truly unattractive, you have a responsibility to discuss this with her. Having a counselor present would be smart.
There are things most women can do to look sexier. To me, and I think most men would agree, long hair is preferable. Everyone agrees that wearing form-fitting clothes that show off the form of her tits and ass would be a plus 🙂.
Is she grossly overweight? Then this is a matter of even more importance than her appearance. We're talking about her health and life. Here's something I notice with women who make an effort to take care of themselves: The effort matters more than the results.
Also, I would get your testosterone levels checked. If I am horny enough, I could fuck Dr. Ruth, no problem!