He Doesn’t Want It
In need of advice…
We have been married for over five years and have sex maybe a couple times a month. At first it was closer to once a week, if that. I am and have always been a very sexual person (although he is the only one I have ever been with.) I am now in my 30s and my appetite is growing while his is shrinking. I have tried to mix things up, talk to him about this casually and seriously, but the only answers I get from hom are that he doesn’t think much about sex and that he is distracted by other obligations. I know God needs to come first, and our marriage should be our next priority. He is a hard worker and is trying to balance work, family, and working on our house to hopefully sell it and better our financial situation. But our love life is struggling, and I am not sure what to do about it. Any advice is welcome!
I went through a period of little desire. My testosterone was at the level of an 80 year old. The doctor gave me a prescription and I got my sex drive back. Get him tested.
Firstly I'm very sorry you're going through this, Gingerlove. Of course, God does need to come first, and that said, the Bible does say that we are not to withhold sex from our spouses (1 Corinthians 7:3-5). Did you show him that? Talk to him gently about it, don't nag or if might just make the situation worse.
Second, you can't just act sexy, you have to BE sexy – try spicing things up like dressing sexy, some make up and sexy dancing for example. That's what I've always done for my husband, and it gets him going crazy with desire! It might just work for you too. If you feel sexy you ARE sexy, and men like women with confidence.
I'll pray for you, and I hope all goes well for you, dear. God bless
Gingerlove,
If I may ask, how old is your husband? He may have low testosterone level, which can lead to low sex drive. His doctor can determine this with a simple blood test. If not, just keep the communication line open and tell him exactly how you feel and what you want. Praying for you. God bless and stay horny always.
The causes are: Low T, his level of physical fitness, stress, resentment or frustration with duties/responsibilities in the marriage, fatigue, performance anxiety, or something extra marital. This is just a short list.
I also have a friend who just has low libido, which happens is 5 to 8% of males.
Add to that excellent list by SouthernGent: low Vitamin D level, and, one of the most common, clinical depression.
If it is not a physical issue, then consider the book "secrets to a passionate marriage" which is throwing open a lot of insights to my own relationship and associated sex drive. We are finding it good for all our relationship not just sex.
Is he on any antihistamines? They can have a mood altering effect that may be translated to a lack of sexual desire. If this has been an on going issue since you first married, was he a victim of sexual abuse? There are a number of great marriage/sex therapists online who may be of help. A great one is Jennifer Finlayson-Fife PhD. She's bases out of Chicago, but does excellent work via Skype or email. Good luck and God bless you.
I highly recommend "The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide" by Michele Weiner-Davis is an excellent and innovative book written for both husband an wife. This therapist is not overtly Christian, but principled and respectful. She recognizes the importance of sex in marriage, and the lack of it as a danger to a relationship. She brings out: the low desire spouse always gets their way, and many people become aroused as they are being stimulated, rather than the other way around. Her emphasis is divorce busting, in advance.
May I also recommend "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman
Definitely check out low testosterone.
If you have already talked with him about it, I do not think I recommend pressing the issue verbally. You don't want to stress him out – he will start avoiding you even more.
I recommend you hit him first thing in the morning – most men have a testosterone high in the morning. Don't ask, before he wakes up even, just give his shaft/balls a few strokes/licks/kisses then ride him or 69. If you keep up a pattern, his penis will expect it & he will be more willing. Make sure that you are doing all the work & he wont feel like it is such a chore.
If he reacts very negatively, you could tone it down – just give him a quick hand-job. It is no fun for you, but you might start building up a pattern that his penis will come to like & then, ideally, he will willingly participate.
Mark Gungor, a Green Bay marriage seminar speaker, has 2 pieces of advice: Barter with him: "It has been an entire week since we made love, I can't go to church this morning until I have had sex with you." or "I would love for you to go hunting with the guys next Thursday, but I need you to make love to me three times before I can let you leave me alone." Or, in extreme cases: "If you do not have sex with me some time in the next 2 days, you are going to come home from work & I wont be here." He wont believe you, so when he doesn't fulfill his marital obligation, you tell him nothing. Leave a note reminding him that he didn't make love to you then go someplace far enough away that he cannot guess where you are and follow you & turn off your cell phone. Wait a day or two, long enough for panic to set in, then call him & ask if he is willing to be your lover or if you need to start buying expensive jewelry. The idea with this second option is that it is better to put the cards on the table now while you still love each other, rather than be miserable for 15 sexless years & divorce after your give-a-dam has broken.
As a man myself who is struggling with taking care of the family and knowing my wife is starving for attention, the one thing she has done is make sure she lets me know that she is there for me.
She doesn't try to force me to talk, she asks me how I'm doing, she makes her presence known by doing special things or taking care of stuff during my day so I can work on the other stuff.
I haven't been as kind to her as I should have, but if you help him with what he has his mind on then he'll have more free time to think about you. Don't push the sex. For men, it's not as emotional as it is for our women. When we have those responsibilities, sometimes they're a little much but having our Help-meet there to take care of us, and help with those responsibilities opens up avenues.
Be patient. Eventually those responsibilities will be less drastic or he'll figure how to handle them perfectly. Just be there to ease his mind when you can. ?
Hope this helps. I'll say a prayer for you two.
Try a change in his diet. Salmon, pumpkin seeds, avocado, and evening primrose oil in a meal would wake him up. Also, some exercise like going for walks after dinner or playing tennis may help too.
Thank you all for the wonderful advice. We are both in our early thirties and fairly healthy. I know we will get through it. Excited to test some of the advice. Thanks again for all the comments and prayers.
I'm getting the feeling that he is under stress that he is keeping to himself for whatever reason and having sex is somehow adding to it. One of the ways men cope with stress is to bury the emotion with legitimate distractions. You mentioned "he is distracted by other obligations" and "working on our house to hopefully sell it and better our financial situation".
It seems likely that the pressure has weighed him down more than you are aware. A man's identity and sense of well-being is very deeply rooted in his ability to succeed as a provider. Does he feel shame or fear about the finances? A wife by God's design has the gift of drawing a man out emotionally and I think there are feelings and emotions stirred in him when you make love that he is having a hard time dealing with. I understand there are other factors that have been stated as possibilities but even those can result from prolonged stress. Have you verbally affirmed him and reassured him of your love and trust in him "even if things aren't perfect financially"? Is he feeling bad for not being able to be fully present and over-the-top-awesome when you make love? It is so awesome that you want to give it to him! That is awesome!!! Seeing it from a man's point of view I can imagine that he feels badly when he senses that you feel let down by his lack of desire. Try entering into his world and show interest in the conversations he has about his work and the mental battles he is trying to spare you from. A man wants to take his wife with him emotionally thru the adventures of life but may "abandon the party" if he fears he will let her down. He soooo wants to be awesome to her. Whatever you do don't take it personal. I don't mean to flirt but your profile picture is legal evidence of your innocence!! I'm sorry if my thoughts don't apply, I just want to help. Be blessed!!
Any updates? What have you tried? How did it go?