The Talk
So recently, I have twice “caught” my 12-year-old stepson playing with his penis. Awkward. I got up at night and used the hall bathroom and saw a light on in Matt’s room. His door was open enough that I could see him sitting on his bed, pulling on his penis. I just ignored it. Then it happened again, and this time the door was left open even more. I could clearly see what he was up to as could anyone else in the household that happened to need the restroom. Of course, I know masturbation is normal and healthy. But should I say anything to him? Should his mom speak to him?
I think you need to. Don't dump that on the mom to take care of.
Hmmm. I would talk to his mom about it. Ask if she'd rather you address it or she'd feel more comfortable doing it herself or even the two of you talking to him together. It might help him to hear from both sexes that masturbation is a normal way of releasing sexual tensions and learning about our own bodies, but that it's a private thing unless you are sharing the experience with your spouse, so bedroom doors should be closed to avoid startling a younger sibling or parent.
IndyDad,
I definitely think you should talk with him about it. Just reassure him that what he was doing is normal, but should be done in private.
I had a similar situation with my son Randy. He was a little older than your son when his oldest sister caught him masturbating in our pool house.
She immediately told their mom ( my wife Gina). It was really embarrassing for him and Gina felt bad for him. She asked me to talk to him, which I did.
The conversation was a bit awkward, but seemed to ease his mind about masturbation.
My advice is to talk to him now and save him the possible embarrassment later on.
God bless you always!
Good advice. Yes. Dad you talk to him. Let mom in on what's happening though.
I appreciate the advice. The thing is it's all very awkward as he is not my son, and because his mom (my wife) is in denial her "baby" is growing up.
Hello Indy Dad, hopefully you are on really good terms with your step-son. If you are, my suggestion would be talk to him, after it all it is a "guy thing". But talk with him private by all means. Not trying to push "mom" off to the side but only another man knows the feelings from masturbating his penis. The other guys in this chat have given you some good advice as well.
Not knowing if he is in contact with his biological father, you may be the only male father figure in his life. Ask God how to approach your step-son in a non-threatening way.
Yeah it's just a natural thing for a mom not to want her baby boy grow up! You can probably remember from when you were growing up!
Thanks Leapingdeer!
You're welcome! Praying all goes well for you and your family.
I think you should talk with your wife first. After all , he's not your son. I think this is on his mama, not you. But whether you or she give the talk to him, he has to know that masturbation is totally normal and healthy, that what he's doing is actually a good thing and he's free to enjoy it, but he has to do it when no one is around or no one is noticing.
Definitely needs to be you. Having his mom talk to him might be humiliating and do more harm than good. I had the advantage of parents who discussed it with us beforehand so there wasn’t an issue of getting caught. Just ground rules about cleaning up after ourselves and not doing it where others might be made uncomfortable by walking in.
Pray about what to say and how to say it so he knows it’s normal and not some sinful act.
An update. I got home late Friday, the hall lights were off, and my stepson’s bedroom door was partly open and I could see a light on. I looked in his room and he started yelling for me to leave the room. I dashed out. A few minutes later, I knocked on his door (regretting not having done that earlier) and said we needed to talk.
I explained to him that it was a natural thing and he had nothing to be ashamed of. I tried to reassure him that these changes are meant to be and were part of growing up. Hopefully, I made him understand that masturbation is private but not shameful. So, I was actually proud of myself for talking to my stepson, and I hope this takes care of things.
I have had similar experiences with my son and nephew. I don’t believe my son noticed even though I froze for a moment at the sight of his hand moving. I never said anything.
My nephew, I was concerned he wanted me to see him. So I am very careful when I enter his room or the bathroom. If it happens again I will have to decide to talk to him or his parents.
It was a strange sight even for me, as another male, to see. But interesting – and I don't mean for that to sound weird. Most men never see another male masturbating.
It isn’t weird at all. We are by nature voyeurs. We desire sex when we see or hear it. When I was starting to learn to pleasure myself, my husband got a video of how women do it. I was turned on watching them touch themselves. Even walking in on my nephew, my body reacted. It doesn’t mean we desire to be with that person, just that we desire sex. At least, the counselor explained it that way to me. “I’ll have what she is having.”
I think you hit the nail on the head, SecondMarge – our bodies are just wired to respond to such things. It was also a joy to see my stepson enjoying himself, and it was amazing seeing him have an orgasm.
I had to learn the difficult way from a psychologist. Getting turned on by something we feel we shouldn’t can cause guilt. And when it’s taboo it can be even worse. That is why it’s important to realize the arousal reaction is automatic. Rather than deny it, just understand it’s normal.
Even accepting such a reaction is normal (and that does help), I still can't help but have some guilt feelings, knowing the taboo aspects. I tell myself though that thoughts are one thing and actions are another, and thoughts are harmless.
Guilt has become the go to emotion when it comes to sex. The old, that is bad shame on you, instruction almost all of us have heard. Certainly any taboo area, any arousal reaction we are programmed to deny or feel guilt about to make certain everyone knows there is no intent to act upon it. It was difficult to work through for me.
The idea that thoughts are harmless has come up in various discussions. I agree with IndyDad thoughts we don’t act on are harmless. Fantasies we have for masturbation or share with our spouse during sex are harmless. Regardless of topic, person/people involved.
I have mentioned this in the past and most of the responses disagreed with me.
Like alcohol, porn and other behaviors where some people can not control their actions, they need to be careful. But just like 99% of people who can have a glass of wine without feeling they must finish the bottle, we need not deny ourselves these pleasures because we can control what we do.
It's hard to un-learn what society has ingrained in us. I am lucky in that my wife and I have discussed some of our fantasies. But there are other thoughts I have never even told her about. I'd think she would not respond well if I told her.
Yes, society and religion have made us believe things that are difficult to overcome. I think it’s rather sad we need to hide desires or fantasies from our spouse. I’m in the minority here, but I believe it’s only a sin if you act on it, not because it excited your mind. Otherwise it’s no different than watching Bonnie & Clyde. You can enjoy the movie without it making you a bank robber.
I agree with you, SecondMarge that thoughts do not equal deeds (although I think my Catholic friends believe thinking something taboo can be a sin). Love your movie analogy. Speaking of society I will go even further and observe that what may be considered a taboo in one society/country/group is not considered so in another
SecondMarge, did your son and nephew both know you saw them? I guess your son did for sure. Did they both realize you reveled, so speak and onserving them?
I told my nephew’s parents so they could decide what to say to him. My son and I have had several talks since then. Often very explicit. It was difficult during but I felt good after. At least he knows hard nipples are probably just the A/C not his animal magnetism.lol
I wish my parents had been open with me. However, I do understand how difficult some topics are to share. My reaction to how my father masturbates probably would have been more na na na I don’t want to hear this. My son was much more mature. Probably a good thing. I bet his GF’s will appreciate it. Difficult to stay as naive as I was today with the internet.
Good point about the interenet SecondMarge. The web may also teach some wrong things or leave out the whole concept of love when it comes to sex. I know my parents gae the idea masturbation was a naughty thing – and actually that may have added to my pleasure at the time. But still gave me guilt feelings. How old was your nephew when the incident took place?
He was a young teenager, just the age all kinds of ideas are floating in a boys brain. I would've just let the incident pass without comment, however, it happened just after I was changing in their guest bedroom and was naked. I went to talk to him about knocking when I saw him masturbating. I felt at that point the issue had become more complicated and felt his parents might be the appropriate ones to discuss taboo thoughts with him. I felt certain they would not overreact. And that I would be more careful where and when I change my clothes.