How Did You Meet Your Current Spouse?
As a 25 year old (almost 26) who’s never dated (or even been asked out for that matter), it gets hard to believe that there is someone out there for you. You repeatedly go and put yourself out there, but alas, it fails each time, and you consistently have nothing to show for your efforts.
Being on this website is both encouraging and sometimes disheartening at the same time. It’s great because it shows what I have to look forward to. But disheartening because every day I don’t seem to be getting any closer to getting into a relationship and therefore married. As a virgin, this gets more and more frustrating. I know that if I never get married, then I won’t have sex, have biological kids, etc. and although that makes me sad, I know that it’s better than settling and going through heartache and heartbreak.
I’ve put myself on dating websites, picked up new hobbies (horse-riding, learning the violin, cosplaying, etc.), but none of those have been fruitful to any degree. I did enjoy every one of those activities, though, and I did them not actually looking for a potential partner but friends. However, even being friendly week after week, I didn’t really connect with anyone… besides, most people were female, not Christian, etc.
So my question is this…how did you guys meet?
I guess what I’m looking for are ideas on how to meet people that have worked for married people in this group. And please don’t just say, “he’ll show up when I’m not looking.” It really is the oldest phrase in the book, and this point gets me more angry than encouraged.
PS – I’m particularly interested in stories from couples who met outside of Church as I honestly feel like this doesn’t get enough representation and would be more inspiring for me since:
1) I attend family Church at home, so that really isn’t an option in terms of meeting a guy.
2) I’ve mentioned in a couple of other posts that I have gone back into Churches to meet with young people my age, and frankly, everyone’s either a woman or in a relationship/married.
I look forward to hearing everyone’s stories and thanks for taking the time to read this 🙂
Through my father. He worked with my dad for about 2 years before we finally got involved and he went to work offshore.
That's pretty interesting. Was it helpful that your dad knew him from the onset or was it slightly awkward at first?
Huh!
MY FIL worked for me a couple years, before I met my wife.
It's HIS fault! "I got someone you ought to meet."
😉 🙂
God bless him!
SinglePringle,
It was a bit awkward at first, but that was only because I was quite shy at the time.
My dad wasn't quite sure about my dating him at first, but soon warmed up to it.
@hornyGG – It's a great thing that your Dad did warm up to it. You and Ben seem to have a very blessed marriage 🙂
God relocated my husband to the college I attended instead of the one he was hoping and working towards attending. And then, his ex-girlfriend introduced us. He was what they called a “non-traditional” college student in that he didn’t start right out of high school yet took a full course load.
I see, I think in the UK it might be similar to what we call an associates degree or a foundation course. That's pretty cool though. I was hoping to meet someone in Uni but that's not happened lol.
I have actually tried asking people out online. However the best interactions have always been when guys took the initiative and talked to me first. Whenever I made the first move it either falls flat on it's face or there's no response. Also I don't interact with enough (any) single Christian men in real life to ask them out (since there seems to be a lack of them where I am).
I work in a family business so the pressures of that wouldn't enable me to just up and go on a mission. I do enjoy the freedom to be able to do what I want without checking in on someone else. However, I think it's honestly my desire to have sex within marriage that's making this difficult. Even more so when so many guys that I do interact with have already had sex and have no plans on waiting (despite being "Christian"). The fact that I want to experience that oneness with someone and I might not be able to makes me sad. But I am getting to the point where I can live with that fact if I have to.
i also want to encourage you to ask someone out if you want to pursue a relationship. Even just friendships. You probably already do. I only said that because as I’ve gotten older, relationships seem to be more work.
Another thought is that you prayerfully dig into scripture and Christian books to seek God’s plan/desire for you. Sometimes there’s a lesson God is trying to teach us when He has us “in the waiting room” on something. I know the author has ‘recanted’ now, but I was able to glean a few good principles from the book “I kissed dating goodbye”—mainly do you best to become a whole person with mastery of necessary life skills and use your singleness as a special gift from God. As a single person, you have freedoms the married person doesn’t. For example, if you wanted to go on a missions trip, you could go without having to concern yourself with a spouses schedule. (I’ve even known two couples who met and got married as a result of missions work.) Maybe there’s something God has uniquely designed you to be able to do at this time in your life. Also, I’d recommend reading “The Mystery of Marriage” to help you consider the spiritual aspects of marriage. Within my own marriage, there was a period of time God had me “in the waiting room” until I realized He was teaching me contentment no matter what His plan would be.
Sorry, I can't help. We knew each other growing up. We were in the nursery together.
That's okay and that's really cute. As childhood sweethearts, you're very lucky.
We met in choir at college. Later found out we knew a lot of the same people and traveled in the same circles but somehow had never met. We were just friends not really dating for quite some time.
That's nice and was honestly my most ideal situation i.e. we'd start off as friends and then continue developing our relationship from there.
Sadly I don't think that's got a chance of happening for me as I have to be very intentional about finding someone so the "friendship" stage kinda gets missed and you kinda just have to date. It's still lovely how you met though.
A lady introduced us at church. While I was still single & So VERY LONEY living BY MYSELF, I prayed God Please send me a wife, 6 weeks later we met, 7 mo later we were married, thats 34 years ago. Let me offer some advice our pastor gave us about handling diffcult situations, put your future husband on the Holy Spirit hit list, that means you surrender ALL CONTROL to The Holy Spirit, don't tell God how or what to do when answering the prayer. Step back and watch God do the heavy lifting!!!! God formed you , He put all the pieces together to create you, you are PERFECT in His eyes!! He created your husband the same way, PERFECT!!! My daughter & her now husband met at a second hand book store, she was putting some items on consignment there. She had put it off until her busy schedule permitted, God has a plan!!!! Please let us know how God answers your prayer.
I've been praying, my parents have been praying, we've all been praying. It's just not happening for some reason or another. I don't really care where I meet him as long as I do. Again, Church isn't an option for me to meet anyone (there is a real shortage of young Christian men and an even bigger shortage of those who are virgins or at least waiting until marriage). But thanks for your encouragement.
It's also lovely how your daughter met her husband. And God-willing I do get married, I'll be sure to let you all know.
I worked with a woman in your situation. God sent her a young widower with two kids. They fell in love. Obviously he was not a virgin but she will tell you to this day she so blessed God set him to her. We can plan all we want but life doesn’t follow our plans. Stay open for what God presents to you even if it isn’t the Virgin you expected.
@SecondMarge – I get that life doesn't always pan out the way we want to. But I still think at my age, I wouldn't consider marrying a widower (or a person who's previously had children). If I was in my late 30s/40s then I might consider it but it probably wouldn't even cross my mind because I tend to write them off. Not everyone is equipped to deal with the issue and baggage that brings and I think I'm one of those people that more likely can't.
It's lovely that they were able to come together despite that though and God clearly has a hand on their marriage. I wish them all the best. But again, I really want to marry a virgin guy or at least someone who's been abstinent for a significant number of years (ideally 7 plus). I've interacted with too many guys in real life/online dating who are Christian but aren't even planning to wait and instead as if I can "relax on that requirement". It's honestly made me lose patience with the whole thing and has created a feeling of constant disappointment and disillusionment.
I will stay open but I think it's going to literally take God himself to come down and say to me "this is the guy I want you to marry despite your preconceived notions" and I would still feel some sort of way because I'd feel cheated and wonder why he couldn't wait for me when I had for him. I don't think it would be fair for me to date someone under those circumstances. But again, than you very much for your advice.
The party to celebrate my birthday was hosted by the one who is now my wife. It was natural that she organized the party; it was a part of who she was and still is. However, as the evening progressed, it seemed to me she might have more than the party on her mind. While not exactly flirting, her body language suggested she would welcome an invitation to a date.
Here was a girl I’d spent time with over the summer; we’d gotten to know each other in a “non-dating” environment. I had never given any thought as to whether we might be more than friends. She was eight years younger and in college. I was four years into my career. I would need to talk with my employer’s personnel director. The paperwork would look something like this – Re: Assignment change. Cancel previous request. Reason: Marriage. Person submitting request: Father of the bride.
I asked her to come with me to pick up a co-worker from the airport. The conversation was a bit awkward at first; I proposed on the first date. Our first kiss was later that afternoon. We announced our engagement two months later, on Christmas day.
(excerpt from ENJOY the VIEW, a story I posted a while back.)
WOW! You got engaged fast. But all jokes aside a lovely story.
I have been married twice. With the passing of my second husband I am no longer looking to meet anyone or marry again. I met both my husbands because of church activities. Most female friends I have had that trouble finding a husband are looking for perfection. God does not make perfect people. I wish you luck.
Marge, I'm sorry to hear your second husband has passed. I know from our conversations here that you were a loving wife to him, seeking his pleasure and your own in any way you could. I'm glad you had the time together that you did. May God bless your singlehood as well.
Thanks for your kind words, CHL. I like to think we helped each other enjoy life and grow. Especially sexually since that is what this place is mainly about. Getting him excited and making him happy was a pleasure for me. And I found out even if it was something I wasn’t comfortable with at first, it was worth the effort. Pleasing him brought me new pleasures. I knew since he was older our time might be limited, I just wished it had been a little longer.
@SecondMarge – I too am very sorry to hear that your husband has passed. I pray that God comforts you during this difficult time.
Sorry to hear of your loss, Marge. From here, I know you were a good Christian wife to him. As you say, your relationship with him opened you up a lot.
God put me and my beloved together. So many things had to happen for our meeting to occur. My wife and I met at college. She met a young lady during her high school her senior year and they decided to room together. The roommate was more outgoing and convinced my wife to join a fraternity. Her big brother in the fraternity was my cousin. He tried to introduce us once and I wasn’t interested. So one Friday, weeks later, I went by the house to see my cousin only to find out he had gone home for the weekend. One of his frat brothers told me there was a birthday party downstairs. So I went downstairs to see what was going on. I saw her standing with a friend. I thought she looked differently than I remembered, She was so cute. I went over to talk with her. A slow song came on. We danced, and I sang to her (I can’t sing) as we danced. We spent the rest of the night talking. It was like we had known each other forever. We had our first kiss that night while listening to the Best of Bread album. I asked her out for the next evening, and she said yes. We were engaged 4 months later. It’s been 37 years since that day. Soooo blessed. God put us together!!!
Thanks D&D for sharing. Glad that you're having a long and enjoyable marriage
I was four and my husband was six when we met. His father is a pastor. We were both homeschooled and attended the same church. Our families were friends. However, it wasn't until I was 16 that we started dating and two years later got married. God was clearly calling us to be together.
Thanks for sharing Honeymooners
I met my wife when I was a divorced single dad. A few months before we met a beautiful young woman with long dark hair, from my church congregation told me, “I’d NEVER go out with someone like YOU!” (because I was divorced I guess). I had just moved with my kids to a new apartment. A neighbor told me about the woman I would eventually marry. We went to the same church and I met her there. Having a relationship with another committed Christian is awesome! (My first wife left her Christian upbringing and abandoned me & our kids.). It was my kids who bonded with this new woman first. Eventually I realized what a catch she was and still is. We share a lot of common interests. We dated for 1 1/2 years before we married. She even adopted my kids. We’ve been married many happy years and dealt with and still are dealing with some very scary health problems (we both have the scary health problems). But I heard a quote from a married couple who survived the Holocaust. They said, “Love is what you’ve been through together.” My wife is several years older than me but we are still crazy about each other. I always envisioned marrying a woman with long hair. (My wife wears her hair short and it will not grow long.) We don’t always agree but we’ve gone to therapy and we’ve negotiated out our differences. We still have an amazing sexual relationship in spite of having to make adjustments due to health. And I now consider my wife’s short hair to be soft and sexy. I also want to say that SOME people ARE really good with loving other people’s kids. And the age difference and even my wife’s short hair seem insignificant now. Also, all our kids (all adults now) still adore and respect my wife whom they call Mom. My advice would be to be open about who you date. Don’t automatically dismiss someone who is divorced or a single parent or not exactly your age or who lacks some minor appearance trait you would prefer. Maybe a non-traditional match is what will bring you happiness. By the way, a couple of years after we were very happily married I ran into that young woman’s brother. (The one who wouldn’t date someone like me). She was still single.
Firstly, thanks for sharing your story and how you and your wife met. I'm glad things have worked out for you.
However, I don't think it's fair to dismiss people who may not be open to dating a divorced person. In my case, it's not because they're divorced that I wouldn't date them (I know that's the case for a lot of people) but at my age (again, I'm 25) I see that as a massive red flag and that there are other issues that the person may have like lack of good judgement in picking a person and that more often than not, they rushed into marriage just to have sex.
It's kind of like the ability of some to forgive a cheater and stay married whereas others will choose to end the relationship. It's often not the act of cheating that breaks down the relationship but the damaged trust that sometimes, can't be repaired. There is additional baggage that comes with a person that is divorced and not everyone is equipped to handle that. So we can't say that a person is in the wrong for wanting their spouse not to have been married before meeting them.
As you mentioned SOME people are good at loving other people's kids, but not all. If I was to get married GOD FORBID we couldn't have kids, I wouldn't be open to getting a donor egg or sperm or adopting as I would always know that child is not biologically mine in the back of my head and that is extremely important to me. I want to have my own biological children. I want to be someone's first wife, not second. Because I see things for what they are, that will be hard for me to get over. I will always be questioning their decisions.
As for being open about who I date I am but within reason. I don't have any really physical traits that I look. They just need to be a "good-looking" person to me (like at least 5 or 6 out of 10). As for age I actually am only into older guys, I've never been one for dating an "age mate" as they always come across as immature. So over time I've been a bit more flexible with the possibility of dating someone younger (but not too young as I am the eldest and I don't really want to date someone close to my youngest brothers age as it seems to be an automatic turnoff) and I am yet to meet a mature younger guy.
As for the single person who refused to date you, yes that wasn't nice to say but maybe it would cause her more pain and anguish to marry a divorced person than to be single. I think I am the same. I feel that a non-traditional match would bring me more heart-ache than happiness at this point. I would feel honestly let down by God even. Like why have I waited so long only to have this as the result? I would be sorely disappointed and it's probably better for me to be single in those circumstances. In a few years (mid-late thirties), who knows but not in my mid-twenties. I don't see it happening without God intervening supernaturally.
Like you, my desire was to marry someone that was a virgin. Everything I heard and was taught in church was to keep yourself pure, without spot, clean. I was left with the thought that I could never be whole, clean, or maybe not even go to heaven when I pass if I married someone unclean. I had never gone on a date ever; then at 21 yrs old, I was introduced to a young lady at church. We starting dating, and I saw her every day. We talked about everything. After 2 weeks, she shared with me that she was not a virgin. She knew it might end our relationship, but more than that, it would hurt more not to tell me. To that my point in my life, I had never felt that much PAIN EVER!!! Fast forward—we are married 34 yrs now, WOW!!!!! Bottom line: we all have hurts, baggage, and ideas we bring into the marriage. We are just like a very old piece of lumber that has nail holes and damaged edges and is otherwise cast to the side and no longer useful. In the hands of a master carpenter, that same piece of lumber is crafted into a beautiful door with all the same scars, now an object that is adored by all that see it. If you would allow me to share what I see & hear in your replies, I hear your plan for your life is the best plan, "God, I know what is best." More importantly, "God, I don't want to get HURT!!!" My encouragement to you is TRUST GOD TOTALLY. He loves you very much!!! We were never promised a life free of hurts; we were promised He would be with us. Every hurt has the potential to cause a scar, but it's through our hurts that God uses us to minister to others!!! Our marriage has had its ups & downs, and I have made more than my share of mistakes. Surrendering my life/flesh to Christ daily and submitting to God's plan for my life is why I have FREEDOM TO SING HIS PRAISES!!!! I took it to heart when the scriptures said to cherish & show respect to ladies. To share something special that happened early in our dating (at this point, 2 weeks), I finally got up the courage to ask if I could kiss her. She said yes, and upon our lips meeting for the first time my nose started bleeding!!! My pulse had risen SO MUCH! As a kid, nose bleeds happened regularly, but it had been a number of years since my last one. My beloved shared with me after the kiss, she thought there was something wrong/damaged with her that I hadn't kissed her before. It was the totally opposite thought that kept me from being too forward. I used to ask/worry, "God, what is your plan for my life? I don't want to get it wrong." A wise pastor explained it like this: when we are in His presence, trusting Him, He will show us the plan one step at a time. If God gave us the whole plan for our lives at once, we wouldn't need Him. We would do the plan. It's not about the plan as much as it is TRUSTING HIM!!!!
When I asked God to bring my new man to me I didn't have a clue about what I was letting myself in for, but I know he's The One and is God's chosen *best* for me.
He has excess baggage from his past that needs God's touch. My guess would be that God's plan is to make him aware of it through how he's treating me. We aren't an item yet. That's yet to come about but it will in time. He has feelings for me, and just that is enough to cause him to want to run from me, and to inflict hurt on me as well. He's practiced at both, but God is better at restoring and healing, praise His Name.
I don't need to be treated like this at my age (69)! I just want the romantic friendship leading to the two of us falling in love and getting married, reflecting the cute picture that started out in my head. The way I see it is that there's no time to be wasted bc I want it all, I don't want to miss a thing. He's a couple of years older than me, so we've got a lifetime of loving each other to squeeze into around two decades give or take, that's if the Lord tarries.
It's to the point that my older son doesn't like him even tho they've never met and says he's gonna tell him so when they do! I defend my new man and say that there's gold underneath if you scratch the surface.
We're all different and have individual paths to travel but there's a few things our paths have in common.
1. It's never going to be like how we see it in our head, even if God has told us stuff about His plans for us. (God has told me a lot.)
2. There's always going to be challenges of us needing to extend grace, mercy, and forgiveness. God is interested in restoring our lives, re-creating what has been robbed from us all our life. He wants us to look to Him to heal our hurts.
3. 1 and 2 resulting in God giving us over and above all we could ever ask or dream about. He is our loving Heavenly Father and it is His pleasure to see us happy and fulfilled. He doesn't want to withhold any good thing from us.
4. Our part is to love Him and to trust Him that He knows best even if it doesn't look that way to us at the time. He loves us, and He does know what's best for us.
I'm choosing to trust God bc I believe He's good for all His promises to me. I will end up with a very special husband who's just perfect for me, as I will be for him. We'll both still be flawed and we'll have challenges, but I'm believing God that we will stay in love bc we are going to learn together how to achieve that.
For me, spending the rest of our lives with The One who's just perfect for me overrides fear of being hurt, and fear of the unknown bc I don't want to let go of the reins and get out of the driver's seat.
Cuddles xxxx
Cuddles, it concerns me to hear that he's hurting your feelings on purpose. But I trust that you are mature enough to speak up and call him out on that when he does it and not move forward in a relationship with someone who hasn't grown past that. Like you say, we are all flawed humans and will mess up sometimes, and forgiveness is the most Christ-like quality I know of. I just want to know you aren't so set on this guy that you will let him abuse you verbally or otherwise. Reassure me, please? Prayers for your best and his, and God's will in your lives.
Bless your heart CHL, you're a sweetie for caring ?
He's not being abusive, I wouldn't put up with that. He simply ignores me. But it's the way he does it that hurts! He knows I care about him. I didn't realise my behaviour was giving me away. I was just being friendly, or so I thought, until my dear friend at church who was with me when God showed me that he was the one said that I glow after each time that he talks to me hahaha. He's a savvy man, he's been around over the years so he would've picked it up easily.
Then I did one of those online quizzes about if he's interested in you or not, and I was guilty of every single point they covered HAHAHA! That's when I knew I'd given myself away. (can't believe I've just admitted to that here, how embarrassing lol)
He's a master at making his point, which at present is to leave him alone. This is after he had circled me a few times and then ran as fast as he could in the other direction. He's good at putting/keeping me right where he wants me, which is currently nowhere in his world.
I just have to wait it out and pray for him/me/us daily. And yes, I plan to call him out on it before things get serious, that's unless the Holy Spirit calls me off his back lol.
God keeps encouraging me to believe Him with all sorts of little signs and stuff. So until God tells me different, I'll keep on believing.
Actually, I feel better now that I've explained a bit more to you, CHL. I hope this has calmed your concerns for me, and thank you again for caring ?
Cuddles xxxx
*smile* You are welcome.
@lion hearted Thanks for your response and sharing your story.
I would just like to clarify this point. My issue isn't about "if the guy isn't a virgin this will hurt my feelings" so to speak or that they're unclean or anything along those lines. It's more about the downfall of values and respect I would have for a man that's supposed to be my husband. The minute I hear that a person hasn't waited, I lose all interest instantly. Even if I've been talking to that person for a while. I just automatically friend-zone them, and I can no longer see them as husband material for myself. I'm sure they have the potential to be great husbands, just not for me. I trust God to bring me the right guy at the right time. However I also trust that he knows what I can handle. I've been pretty adamant from a young age about wanting a guy who's a virgin, and that has only increased (not decreased) as I've gotten older. Yet there have been other things that now I know aren't that important. This, together with faith, education, drive, faithfulness, honesty, kindness, etc. are the ones that have stuck and I know are non-negotiable.
Provided they have not had sex recently (now for me this would need to be 7 years plus), I would be okay. This is because it would show me that someone has taken their own initiative to not have sex. I want it to be something that they are already doing, not something I have to convince them to do. That makes me feel like the guy is weak and doesn't have a strong will of his own, plus he gives into peer-pressure of society. I've never given into peer pressure and have always danced to the beat of a different drum. I would want the guy that I date to be the same, and one of the best ways to signal that to me is that they haven't had sex or have abstained for an extremely long time.
The issue is that, nowadays, casual sex is basically seen as a way of life by Christians and non-Christians alike. It's not like in the past where a person who wasn't a virgin had sex with a couple of people. No. They're racking up numbers and not giving a care in the world about it.
The fact that, when I do try online dating, I have only interacted with TWO MEN who have actively said that they are okay with waiting until marriage and that they are doing the same says a lot. Then when you mention waiting to them, they come up with lazy reasons/wording that basically shows they aren't convicted to wait. I have learnt to mention this very early as it gets rid of a majority of guys who are essentially timewasters and my time is valuable. The dating scene has changed, and it's much harder for a good woman to find a good man nowadays.
I know that we will all experience pain and hurt, I am not immune to that. But why go into a situation that I know will be painful? It's like putting your hand in fire and knowing that it will burn you. You know have two options:
1) Learn from it and don't put your hand in the fire
2) Continue to put your hand in the fire hoping that you don't get the same result (but fire will always burn hot).
Now with God's help, he can give you the grace to make that fire burn cold but not everyone is blessed with that assistance because it may not be what they need in their life (just like not everyone is supposed to be rich, it's just one of those things). I believe God gives that person the strength to know if they can. If you are a risk-taker then yes, you might have the faith to put your hand in the fire and risk burning your hand. However, I am EXTREMELY risk-averse. I would never put my hand in the fire in the first place. I have faith and believe that God will meet me where I am and provide the right guy for me. He won't be perfect as I am far from perfect but he needs to have not slept around. In this day and age, that is hard to find and I respect that more than someone who's felt the need to "sow his wild oats".
SinglePringle, I like that you know what you need and are willing to wait for it, not passively, but putting yourself out there and interacting, expecting that God will bring into your life what he's put into your heart. It may not be that you are the person who can love someone with a checkered past. It can only lead to heartbreak if you fall for each other but later find that he's not willing to wait for marriage or pressures you to compromise on your conviction of what is right. It's not a bad idea to start out on the same sheet of music.
But even if a person recently came to Christ and embraced the holiness of sex within marriage only (versus it having been seven years or more since he'd last had sex), his conviction can still burn as brightly for him as yours does for you. He may not have always known the Lord Jesus or what God's good and perfect plan for sex is, but once he does, his passion for obeying Christ and honoring a woman could be as strong as someone's who has always been a follower. "For this reason I say to you, her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little, loves little." Luke 7:47 I hear you that you haven't found that kind of believer yet, either. I pray that your obedience to your own convictions and conscience lead you to love soon.
@CrazyHappyLoved – thanks for your response and for the kind words and I do hear what you're saying.
I probably would have been more open to a non-Christian having sex before hand and then abstaining IF there were higher numbers of Christians who agreed with waiting in the first place since the excuse that the non-Christian didn't know any better would actually be valid. However, I've read that it's up to 80% of Christians that are having pre-marital sex (possibly more). That's pretty close to the percentage of non-Christians that have pre-marital sex. Therefore excusing a non-Christian due to lack of faith would be invalid in my opinion as there are Christians who do know not to do it and choose to do it anyway. Furthermore, I have actually spoken with non-Christians who have decided to wait until marriage, not due to religion but due to common sense. The costs outweigh the benefits and the risk of sex outside of marriage is higher than the reward. They have come to their own conclusions about waiting and I respect them a lot more for it.
PS – I think at the moment I'm just experiencing a very deep disappointment at the state of the world and how a majority of people, regardless of religion or faith regard sex as something that is basically expected in a dating relationship instead of something valuable that should only be done within marriage. I get that my convictions may come across as oddly stubborn, but I also think that within this dating climate, you have to be like that or it's too easy to fall into the 80 plus percent of people fornicating. I'm just waiting for that strong-minded man who's been able to go against the tide as I am a strong-minded woman who's also gone against the tide. So to be told to relax my expectations always seems like a kick in the teeth even though I know that advise is coming from a good place.
Oh, no! Don't relax your expectations! Follow your convictions! I was just offering another perspective, not suggesting that you don't know what God has put on your heart to expect and wait for. Always, always go where God leads you. If you step out in faith, I believe He will make your path clear one step at a time. May he bless you in your searching and in your finding.
Hi CrazyHappyLoved, I understand and thank you for your encouragement and kind words 🙂 I pray it happens sooner rather than later.
I'm behind on posts and slowly catching up, so I just now got a chance to read through this post and comment thread. It's been an interesting discussion, so thanks SinglePringle for starting it!
Unfortunately as another single person I don't have much advice to offer. Personally, I have my eyes on a young lady at church, and that would be my recommended venue to find the kind of person you're seeking, but from what you've described, that hasn't been a good option for you in the past, or in the present.
Something you said caught my interest, and I wanted to ask you to help me understand your thinking in your March 25 comment above. As you say, it's a sad truth that many Christians follow the pattern of unbelievers and engage in premarital sex. Perhaps I'm not reading it right, but you seem to say that A) lots of Christians do the wrong thing (and I agree), B) it's invalid to simply excuse the behavior of a non-Christian who has become a Christian (and I agree), and because A), therefore B) (which I don't think is actually relevant).
I can't seem to follow how these pieces connect. These are two different people being considered, and their behaviors are entirely unrelated. One's behavior has no effect on whether the other's behavior is right or wrong. I think you'd agree that we're individually responsible, but the way those sentences are structured, it makes me wonder how you consider the two people's behavior to be logically related. Help me understand your thought process there, please? Am I just WAY over-analyzing this? I do tend to do that, so I'd gladly admit my fault in advance, haha!
Now that I think about it more, did you simply mean that we shouldn't excuse people simply for moving from the sinning unbelievers group to the sinning believers group? I would agree there, but think it's important to go deeper than the group level and down to the personal/individual level when considering these things, since that's how God sees these issues.
As for expectations, this is my approach: maintain high standards, but temper them with realism and grace. In prayer, try to reach a point where you can forgive past behavior that a potential spouse has convincingly repented of. But I encourage you to maintain the standard that a potential spouse, regardless of past behavior, must now hold to the conviction (in mind, heart and action) that sex is for marriage only. That will be good for your relationship and let you be in agreement on biblical values to teach your children.
@PatientPassion – Glad you've been able to find this thread useful. I'm glad Church has been useful for you. I do hope that it works out between you and the girl at Church. I just don't think it's a place that I'm likely to meet a spouse. I'm pretty much leaving that portion of my life alone at this current time as I don't really see it happening anymore (it gets tiring dealing with constant disappointment, plus it's very draining).
As for my personal thought process (which can become very chaotic when trying to explain it in words so I understand if it doesn't quite make sense) I'll try and explain a bit better.
It's not really about moving Christians and non-Christians from one group to another due to whether or not they've had sex. It's more about the fact that it's been constantly used as a reason to "look past" the sin of fornication depending on when in their journey the person had pre-marital sex.
Firstly, the bible states that fornication is a sin. As Christians, that is something we should avoid doing. So in an ideal world, most Christians should avoid having pre-marital sex. However, this currently isn't the case as a majority of Christians are having pre-marital sex.
Second, a majority of non-Christians have pre-marital sex. This is to be expected as sex in the world is seen as a standard part of a relationship, whether you're married or not.
So what we should be seeing, in theory, is that Christians not having sex before marriage, and non-Christians having sex before marriage. We should be seeing a clear distinction but this is currently not the case. Sexual activity before marriage is pretty much the same whether you're Christian or not.
Now the argument that tends to get used or asked to people like myself is "what happens if they had sex before they came to Christ? Surely if they were born into a Christian household, they would know better and not have had sex before marriage."
For most people, if the person they are interested in wasn't a Christian when they had sex but then decided to remain celibate once coming to Christ, that's good enough for them to ignore their past actions and possibly proceed in a relationship with them. But for me, the numbers of Christians and non-Christians having sex before marriage are pretty much the same. A person can grow up in a Christian home and have pre-marital sex. Similarly, a person can grow up in non-Christian and not have premarital sex (rare, but I have spoken to more non-Christians not having sex than Christians). The argument to excuse someone on that basis falls flat on it's face because the number of Christians engaging in pre-marital sex is no different from non-Christians. There is no distinction in numbers, so everyone is just the same to me. They chose to have sex because they wanted to, not because the Bible said it was wrong or they had a strong personal conviction of their own.
Because of that, I can't really respect anyone's choice to have pre-marital sex, and that's not really someone I want as a potential spouse. It takes a lot not to do it nowadays, so I'd rather be with someone who's made similar choices than giving in. I take past behaviour as red flags, and like I mentioned before, I'm very risk-averse. I'm not going to take such a chance on someone. It's like dating someone who's cheated in a past relationship but said that they've changed. They can do and say all of the right things, but I would never get to the point where I'd trust them, so I wouldn't waste either my or his time by agreeing to go out with him. Similar with the person who's had pre-marital sex. I wouldn't trust them from the jump as I don't think they'd be strong enough. Even talking with Christians who have had premarital sex is a very draining experience because they're never sorry, and they don't care that they've done it. It's been so negative, I'm not even willing to give it a chance anymore. I'd just rather never get married than deal with that. I'm already wary of who I trust to begin with, and that person's starting at -50 instead of 0 (not literally but just to put it in numerical terms). If they're willing to wait until I trust them, then fine, but I doubt anyone would since:
A) It would take years if it did happen, and
B) I might never trust them, so it's just a big waste of time for both of us.
Plus it's not fair to them. They're better off going with someone who doesn't find their past behaviour to be an issue.
Furthermore, I would personally find it hard to teach our kids to wait if I married someone who didn't wait. For me, I find it hypocritical, and it just doesn't sit right with me. I'd want to teach my kids to wait because it's something that both my spouse and I did successfully because we both married each other as virgins. Otherwise, we fall into the typical double standard role of "tell your daughters to wait but it's okay for the guy to have sex. Just forgive him". As a woman, I am very tired of this narrative, and by marrying a non-virgin guy, it's continuing that narrative once again.
Thanks for taking the time to explain in more detail! I think I do understand your points more thoroughly now.
I see how the argument that "they wouldn't have had premarital sex if they grew up Christian" rings pretty hollow when a lot of people who DID grow up Christian don't actually meet that standard. People are guilty regardless of belief, but when those who know what's right still do what's wrong, it upends the implication that an unbeliever's sin was only out of ignorance. Knowing what's right is important, but it's not the deciding factor.
As you said, you do have to see that "everyone is just the same" in the sense that you evaluate everyone in the same way: based on what they do, not what they say. That's why when I am trying to draw out a principle or make a hypothetical decision, I like to think using specific examples and individual people. It helps me bring in only factors that are actually decisive. (Of course, belief matters, but it's whether that belief truly manifests in action that's most important in discussions like these.) So in that regard, I think we might actually be saying the same thing, just from different perspectives: regardless of whether or not someone was a Christian before, or has become one since, the deciding factor is whether their current beliefs are strong enough to change their actions. And we can't always tell for sure, which is why you're right that looking at their history is important.
To your last point, I agree that any double-standard is wrong and frustrating. Both sexes are equally responsible for their own behavior. I'm not going to try to change your mind in regards to the issue of teaching kids, but I would say to keep in mind that someone who has learned something the hard way can be more effective in teaching it (though not always, of course). There are certain things in the area of sexuality and elsewhere that I know I'll be more equipped to teach my kids because of the struggles I faced in learning those things myself. God's ability to use evil to bring about good things is amazing and shown all throughout his Word. Again, I'm not trying to change your mind. I respect your view point, this is just something to think about.
@PatientPassion – Thanks for your response. You summed up what I was trying to say pretty nicely so thanks!
With regards to your last paragraph, I get what you're saying. There are things I've had issues with too but I'm willing to be open (with anyone I date etc) about that and teach my kids why they are wrong. But I feel like it's because I've had those issues, I'd be able to have a better argument to teach them why sex before marriage is wrong.
Mainly my issue has been with porn/hentai in the past. While watching that, as entertaining as it would be at the time, I was also disgusted at the fact that people would engage in sexual activity so someone that they weren't committed to. My mind would always think "but you two aren't married so why are you doing stuff like with each other?" That disgust has kind of stayed with me even though I don't watch porn/hentai anymore to the point where I can't see any logical reason why sex outside of marriage is remotely a good idea. Being on sites like this show how beautiful it can be in a marital context and I would prefer for the guy that I eventually marry to have only experienced it in this way too. Not in a substandard way with several other people because he couldn't control his urges.
That and pretty much every guy I've come across when it comes to sex before marriage tends to be very lax and I would be worried that they'd teach our kids "don't do it but if you do, well that's life, let's move on". I am yet to personally interact with a guy that is abstaining proudly for his own reasons. That is the only way I would possibly even consider dating a non-virgin guy. He needs to have come to that conclusion himself so that he will teach that to his kids. Otherwise, he's likely not to and I'm not going to risk that.
I guess at the moment I am yet to see the positives. There clearly are some as you've suggested, but until God himself shows me otherwise, I'll probably remain stuck on this viewpoint for a while. But thanks for offering another perspective.
Cool, glad I finally got it! Haha!
Everything you're saying makes sense. You're certainly allowed to have a strong preference for someone who has done it right and waited. And when it comes to considering marriage, it's not only wise, but I'd say crucial that you have a pretty strict requirement to be in agreement on important values, like how to handle sexuality (whether or not you've both always lived up to those values). If I was dating someone and it was clear that we had deep differences in sex-related values (and therefore values to raise our kids with), that would almost certainly be a deal breaker. So you're right on there too!
You say "I am yet to see the positives," but I think you got the main idea earlier in your comment. You said "I feel like it's because I've had those issues, I'd be able to have a better argument to teach them why sex before marriage is wrong." That's exactly what I'm getting at! I had a porn issue too, on and off for many years, and by God's grace I've gradually grown away from it and just passed 1 year of 100% free. But it was through that struggle that I found MH and developed a far more biblical and far more thorough view of sexuality than I would have if I'd never gotten into (and escaped from) porn! Now I can pass that much more solid view on to my kids. That's the positive I'm talking about, and the same one you acknowledge, so I think you already get it!
Haha no problem!
I think my issue is that I'm pretty inflexible in that requirement which probably is linked to my previous porn issue so I don't think it helps by any means. It's like anytime I've heard that someone's had sex outside of marriage, I immediately retreat, kind of like a mental shutdown and I just conclude, it's never going to work because I'd be so ashamed in their behaviour, especially when it comes to teaching our kids because he hasn't lived up to the standard that I have. So in that regard, I don't see the positives. But I get what you're saying, if used right, in some cases it probably could be a positive. Unfortunately, I'm a very matter of fact person. Unless I've seen it for myself, I don't believe it to be possible. Actions always are better than words for me which is why words of affirmation is my lowest love language lol. Even with my faith, it's been made easier because I have had examples where God's the one that's pulled through for me. Without that, it would be much harder to be as strong as Christian as I am today. I think that coupled with everything else just makes it hard for me to look past and see any benefits in being with someone who's physically and mentally been intimate with others. And I get that someone could write me off for being a female who's has past issues with porn. But I am okay with that because I can understand why that would be an issue for people.
Congrats on the 1 year free though! Well done and keep it up. MH has been pretty important with helping me out in that department too and the desire just naturally disappeared over time.
Thanks though, it's been great to hash out my thoughts with you. Hope that you and the girl at Church are making progress 😉
As one last thought on this, it sounds like you might be dealing with a case of knowing something intellectually, but having a hard time fully embracing it. I know I've experienced things throughout my life where I have a strong belief, but my natural reaction is still to allow in worry, fear, despair or something else negative, so I have to constantly preach the truth to myself to counter that. Thanks for the time you've spent in multiple replies! I appreciate working through this interesting discussion!
What you describe with the desire for porn disappearing over time was my experience too. Have you heard of "The Expulsive Power of a New Affection"? It's fascinating how, when we're faced with the true and wonderful things of God and his design, we begin to see every sinful counterfeit for what it really is: shallow and empty. Praise God for MH, which upholds and proudly displays his true design for sex!
As for the girl at church, I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I hope things are moving forward in terms of time even if not in terms of distance to the goal. I basically don't get to see anyone at church (including her) because of COVID, but I know God is using this time to prepare me further in areas where I definitely need some work. He knows what he's doing, and I'm embracing his plan, whatever it brings and whenever that happens. 🙂
@Cuddles – You seem like a lovely person and even though you've talked it out with @CrazyHappyLoved this situation sounds like the foundation for potential emotional abuse if things go wrong.
He knows that you're very into him and it kind of seems like he's playing with your feelings. A lot of the time, God does show red flags but due to love and infatuation, they tend to get ignored until it's too late. You do seem to be aware of them but I urge you to keep meditating on this in prayer without any bias.
He's good at putting/keeping me right where he wants me, which is currently nowhere in his world – To me that's what I would see as being kept as a placeholder. This happens a lot in modern dating. He wants you around but he's seeing if he's got other options. If he doesn't he'll come back to you because he knows how you feel about him already. You deserve a guy that won't keep you around as a placeholder. I would suggest you call him out on it sooner rather than later because what he's doing isn't nice or excusable.
Thanks for your concern SinglePringle. I appreciate your taking the time to comment to me.
I've been taking what you've said to the Lord and quietly waiting for direction which I believe I've received.
It's all based on how it all started. I asked God for an actively believing man for a husband, and for God to bring him to me. I also asked that we would fall deeply in love, get married, and stay in love bc we would learn together how to achieve that.
The first time I returned to church after I asked that of the Lord was the morning that God showed me that my man was The One. The instant that I first laid eyes on him the Holy Spirit started doing what felt like somersaults in my belly. He was bumping around and going nuts, making sure that I couldn't mistake what He was doing. The Holy Spirit also gave me a strong witness in my spirit that this man was the one who my Heavenly Father had chosen for me. That was after He told me at home while I was getting ready that I was going to see him that morning. TWICE!
I can't doubt that it was God revealing His answer to my prayer that morning, and I certainly will never forget it. Some could say that I cooked the whole thing up. Fair enough. It's not my job to convince them otherwise, but I know that I know that I know.
I don't know why God is unfolding it this way. All I can do is trust Him and hang on for the ride of my life!
My man is emotionally damaged, has been for 50 years that I'm aware of, and that's not counting his childhood! That's a long time for him to develop attitudes, strategies, habits, and behaviours to try to stop those wounds from hurting him. So when he realised that he likes me and can't help himself, he's naturally going to resort to the tactics that he thinks are going to work for him to deal with this woman who he can't get out of his head.
He's not really fighting me, he's fighting God, and we all know who's going to win, don't we? lol! It looks to me that as I pray for him, us, and me as God directs, that he will see his tactics for what they really are and allow God in to free and restore him to spiritual health.
I don't like what God is revealing, but I need to take my hurt from what he's doing to the cross too. It's a challenging time for the both of us.
I can't walk away from this bc I believe God. It's that simple. I know that my man is treating me shabbily at present, but I'm firm about seeing it through. That's unless God tells me different, and until that time comes, if indeed it ever does, I'm going to look to the Lord and pray into my marriage. I don't see anything else to do.
I can't deny what I have experienced thus far, so I'll keep trusting God that He's preparing both of us for each other, chipping a bit off here and there, and re-creating us so we are more like Him for His glory.
The Lord keeps reminding me that our marriage is not only all that my man and myself can build with His help so that we may enjoy it fully, but it's for His pleasure to reveal His glory also, praise His Name!
I'm reminded of that song "Trust and Obey".
Cuddles xxxx
Hi Cuddles,
Thanks for taking the time to reply me also. Now before I continue, this is all just my two cents on the matter but normally when I feel that the Holy Spirit is talking to me, it's more-so about finding peace, not summersaults. That for me would signify more of a physical rather than a spiritual feeling.
However I'm not you and I'm only getting a glimpse of what the true situation is via what you've shared.
I do hope and pray that God sees you through this situation and that it ends well, whatever the outcome may be 🙂 Keep us updated!
When you are looking for it, it almost never happens. We both attended the same university. Somehow my hubby spotted me early 2nd semester of our freshman year. He asked me out at least 2x a year every year. I would drink his beer, go home and not answer his calls (before days of texting). Our senior year, he came back and decided instead of looking for a long term companion, he was going to " play the field". One week later, he and I were attached at the hip, dated our entire senior year, and married 18 months later. Now married 30+ yrs! Bottom line, don't look for it, just let it happen: work, church, family friend, a friend of friends …. eventually, it will appear out of nowhere.
Hi Liverr, thanks for your reply and for sharing your story. My parents will be celebrating their 30th anniversary this year.
But as I mentioned in my original post, I tend to have a massive issue with that statement "you'll find them when you're not looking".
I work with my family – so that's not an option
I do church at home – so that's not an option
Most of my parents friends have kids who are in primary school and I have very few true friends who in all honesty are like me – single. This is where the dilemma comes in with all of those options.
If this idea truly worked for everyone, we wouldn't have online dating where you sign up for the purpose to find someone to date and hopefully marry. There does come a point where you have to be very direct about what you're searching for. Almost like a job, they don't just fall on your lap, you have to go out and get a job. For people like myself, it seems to be a similar issue.
I get that you're trying to show that not looking worked for you but I don't think it works for everyone. That's just been my experience so far unfortunately
I think you have a good point, Liverr, that we can't rely entirely on active pursuit. Often times, we do have to sit back, surrender to God and let him do the work. However, I think we also need to balance that with wise, intentional pursuit many times. I think it's entirely possible to wait patiently and work diligently at the same time, and the Bible does seem to call us consistently to do both. Yes, there are seasons where one will need to take priority, but I think we should almost always have some balance of both patient waiting and intentional pursuit in whatever goal we are seeking.
Honestly I'm a guy in the same boat. If it wasn't for this websites policies about swapping contact info I would offer to get to know you lol.
Dating is hard. No way around it. If you figure anything out though let us know!
Aww that's sweet, I'd definitely oblige too lol. However I do understand the reason for that rule being in place. Since there are a lot of married people on here talking about sex, you wouldn't want it to become a hub for infidelity/affairs (that is also why all posts are moderated to make sure that they're appropriate). Plus the freedom of posting does come from being anonymous too.
But 100% agreed, dating is hard. I've just has enormously bad luck with it. Plus it's even worse now with all of the lockdown rules and social distancing in place. But if I do figure out anything in the near future, I'll be sure to let people know!
Yeah, its a good rule for sure. I'm active on plenty of other sites, so if anyone ever see's me out there, I'm glad to talk.
The Song of the Believer site at Mighty Networks is a site designed for sex-positive conversations. It’s full of a LOT of folks from this site… just search on Google. It’s easy to have a “real-time” conversation in the DM chats, while still keeping your identity anonymous. Last I heard, singles were welcome to join and have discussions. It’s NOT an online dating site, but fostering additional sex-positivity as a Christian single is a very good thing!
[From MH: We understand that there is a vetting process and a desire to keep a balance between married and single, male and female, on SotB .]
I did look into that a while back as someone else on this site had mentioned it. However the first thing that comes up in the sign up process is to give your name so I immediately "ran off" so to speak. It made me slightly uncomfortable since if it wants to keep your identity anonymous, surely they wouldn't need your full name? It's not required for the sign up on this website. I left more confused than anything.
@single pringle
You don't have to put your real name or your full name, I'm on there lol.
@PacMan – Thanks for the heads up. I'll think about it and see if I join in the near future. I get that it's not a dating site so it might not be a bad change for me. Due to lockdowns I've had to resort to them and honestly they're not great so I'm definitely at the point where I'm open to other online platforms that don't have dating as their purpose. I'm pretty much giving up on that aspect of my life for now. Plus It's tough meeting anyone at the moment (not that it was any easier before).
But I do think a large issue is that I am a sex-positive Christian single virgin. There aren't a lot of those around. Most Christians my age are either married or have had sex or are sex "negative" so I'd be weary that the site would contain mainly the same demographic and that I'd still be a massive minority. But hopefully I'll get the courage to try it soon and let you know my thoughts.
@WakaWaka123 – I get that but it's still not the best thing to have as the first aspect of signing up. I'm sure I'm not the first person who found it a bit off-putting.
It might be something they are stuck with, but you can easily type F: Single L: Pringle. Almost everyone uses a fake name on the platform. And I’m currently not on the site (long story) but might try to rejoin soon. I am sure there are a LOT of good discussions a single Christian virgin can have there… the same spirit as this site.
@PacMan – Fair enough. If I do join, I'd probably use a different username though just to keep them separate. The only reason I chose my username for here is because this is first and foremost a marriage site and I really do feel like a SinglePringle lol
I met my amazing husband at a tennis exhibition. He was one of the players. He traveled mostly the southeast and Florida so we became pen pals (if anyone still knows what that is these days). Over time we became best friends, getting to see one another any time he had a match near the Atlanta area. Eventually, we fell in love and BAM! got married. That's the short version. We are very blessed as I hope and pray you are all.
I actually had a pen pal who lived in Sweden back in Primary School lol. But that's pretty sweet how it all worked out. Thanks for sharing.
@SinglePringle I'm much younger than you, but can identify with feeling like your the only person like yourself. I can't really say anything that's not already been said, but I will say I love kids and wouldn't mind marrying a guy with one at all! To me, there's a certain bar of responsibility they immediately pass when a man is actively taking care of their child. I also can't say I'm not a little biased as my father was a single dad before he met my mom. But everyone has to find their someone, and there's nothing wrong with having a preference, as long as it's biblically sound.?
@TheycallmeSUNSHINE thanks for your comment. I do love kids too but I'm not exactly interested in looking after someone else's. Even if I married someone who for some reason couldn't have kids, I'd be fine not having any as it's important to me that they're biologically ours. But I can see why you'd be flexible considering how you were raised and I'm glad your dad was able to find someone.
I guess I just feel like rare breed looking for another rare breed and the more I try and go out there, the more I'm proven that they don't exist in real life (apart from on online forums like this). I'm just grateful that I'm the kind of person who won't compromise as there are a lot of people that would and it just makes dating or trying to find someone very disheartening. Especially being on a website like this. It just seems sometimes like it'll never happen and I'm learning to be okay with that (but it's a constant internal conflict).
The single most important thing for a successful marriage is compromise. Even ahead of communication. No two people see things the same way. That means there are two options, divorce or compromise. Those waiting for perfection are going to wait forever.
@ SecondMarge – I'm perfectly aware of that. But I'm not looking for perfection, I'm looking for people with standards which a majority of people lack nowadays and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Settling is what leads a lot of people into relationships where they divorce anyway and I personally am tired of Christians telling other Christians to settle in areas that are important to them because they're apparently being "too fussy". Frustrated doesn't even describe how I feel towards that whole issue.