First off, this may be a little lengthy. I’ve been thinking about making this post for awhile. I don’t really have anyone to turn to about this. I’ve been a long time lurker of this site.
My wife and I are in our early 20’s and have been married for a little over a year. We dated for 5+ years before that though. (I apologize but I try to be vague online about personal details). First off, personally my relationship with the Lord isn’t where it needs to be. With Covid we haven’t been to church in a long time; we’ve just been listening to sermons online. I’m in the military, and we’ve moved twice since we’ve been married. So, where we’re living now we don’t really know many people. I’m also starting college, and she just got her first full time job. We’re doing great with most things. Our finances have been great, and we’re planning on buying a house this year. We should surpass $100k net worth in the next two years. Both of our jobs are going great. We just got a dog (who has been somewhat exhausting but also amazing).
But our intimacy and communication is not good. I accept a lot of responsibility because I just don’t know how to communicate to her how I feel.
We had sex a lot when we first got married (and we had sex the year before we got married but not often as I was stationed in a different state). The sex was great and our relationship was great. We’ve traveled the country together and made so many amazing memories together.
Anyways, for a few months now we haven’t had sex much because we have both been really busy, which is understandable. But since we’ve been married, I have been a little unhappy with our sex life. We just kinda do the same things, you know? I try to branch out and encourage her that we should try more things, but she’s very shy in the bedroom. We bought some under the bed straps and a vibrator. We used them once. She said the vibrator hurt a little but she liked the straps. That was it though. And she doesn’t like giving oral sex much at all, which is something I really love. I’ve been trying to be understanding, which is why I haven’t said anything, but it’s really wearing on me. She doesn’t really initiate much at all anymore, and when we do have sex (which was only once in the last month) we just do the same things. It’s a little frustrating. I have a really high sex drive. (When she would come see me before we lived together sometimes we would have sex 2-3 times/day). My libido is still at that level a lot of the time, and hers just isn’t. I’ve unfortunately turned to pornography (and sometimes this site) which if she knew would crush her. And honestly both have just made me less happy with how intimate we are, especially reading here about how sexually active other wives are. I told her, about 3-4 months ago when we were having sex more regularly (but she only wanted to have sex before bed), that I would appreciate more spontaneous sexual acts throughout the day. I was really honest with her about that, but if anything, after I said that, our sexual encounters just decreased. I just don’t know what to do.
I just don’t feel close anymore. Even when we we were separated by over 1000 miles before we got married, I felt close. We would talk about everything and send each other pictures, and I just felt so close to her. But now I feel like we don’t really talk that much. And I feel her tone to me is like she’s mad most of the time, which she assure’s me she’s not but she’s been coming off that way. She sometimes tells me she feels the same. I’m just not really sure how to go forward from here to fix these issues. Like I said, I’m bad at communication, and I’m not sure how to bring it up/talk about it.
Thank you for any advice. At this point I’m just tired and trying not to become apathetic about the whole thing.
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