Dilators for First-time Bliss – Yes or No?
Hi everyone, it’s been a while since I’ve posted. Not much has changed for me in terms of dating (still a very SinglePringle lol). But I’m hoping for some advice on this question.
I do tend to use clitoral toys when I masturbate, and sometimes, I’ll slip a finger inside my vagina. However, I’ve noticed that whenever I try putting two fingers in, it is extremely painful (unless I’m super horny) and three? It’s just not going to happen. Seriously, it’s bad. I’ve never been so aroused that I’m brave enough to put three fingers in comfortably. It’s a big yikes.
I don’t know if there are any women on MH who had sex for the first time in their 30s/40s, but if that was your story, did you use dilators to stretch yourself out before you had sex for the first time? I know marriage isn’t guaranteed, but it’s something that I’ve been looking into doing should I ever get married (or even want to use insertable toys at some point.) I’ll be 30 next year, and I have read some stories about women really struggling to have sex and having a very painful first time, which is sad. Since most people have sex in their teens and twenties, by the time you get to your 30s/40s, it’s a muscle that really hasn’t been used in that way at all, which poses its own set of problems.
I want to try and avoid that since that might make me avoid having sex altogether. Especially considering that most men my age have had sex, so it’s unlikely it’s an experience we’ll be sharing together in that sense. I doubt he’d understand what I’m going through mentally. (That’s why being with someone who hasn’t had sex might be easier, but again the likelihood is very slim at this point.) He’ll have crossed that barrier, and I’m still yet to do so, and I don’t want something like this making it worse on my end. Of course, if the situation ever arises, I would discuss it with him. But if he’s had sex, he’s likely to not understand why I feel the way that I do. I would hope that he does, but I think for those of us that wait a lot longer than the norm to have sex, there is a different set of emotions that you go through.
What are your thoughts on this?
Married women – Did you use dilators to make your first time easier? If not, would you use one in hindsight, regardless of the age you first had sex? How did you have that discussion with your now husband?
Married men – How did you feel when your wife brought up the topic of using dilators to make their first time more comfortable? If she didn’t, would you use one in hindsight, regardless of the age you first had sex? How would you have had that discussion with your now wife?
Single men and women – Are dilators something that you’d like to use to make first-time sex more comfortable should you get married?
Thanks for any insight you can provide on this 🙂
P.S – You may have noticed that I’ve said first time rather than “losing virginity” as I personally don’t like the phrase. When you lose something, you do that accidently but having sex is a very intentional thing so it’s a weird phrase to me (but that might be a topic for another discussion entirely).
For a while. I'm visiting a therapist who specializes in the pelvic floor because I have severe tensions in that area. While she treats me, she provides me with all kinds of information about sexuality, but also said that a lot of (young) women visit her who have pain while making love, mostly due to wrong information from the internet or not hav8ng sexual education while younger. Is it an idea for you too to visit a sexologist and talk about the pain you have? He/she might give you some excercises to do at home and give you some good information about your situation. My visits are paying off now, I wish the same for you.
Thanks for your advice Peterpan. I'm not based in the US so finding and paying for a sexologist is pretty difficult where I am unless you have real medical issues. I'd probably have to look at a charity but most sexologists from what I'm aware of aren't sympathetic to people that haven't had sex after a certain age (unless I'm mistaken). My plan was to go to one once I know that I'm in a stable relationship working towards marriage and therefore I'm definetely going to be sexually active but as of today, I haven't even been on a date because most men (Christian or not) want sex on a first date which is disappointing.
I'll try and have a look for some where I'm based to at least start the search and hopefully I'm wrong about my preconceived notions. Thanks again
First of all, I agree with you that the phrase “losing your virginity” is a lousy idiom. I prefer “giving your virginity” or “gifting your virginity” (especially when talking about first time sex after marriage.)
About dilators: When we met and eventually were engaged, I was a divorced single father – so of course I was not a virgin when I met Melody.
During our engagement I asked her to not use dilators or go to her doctor for dilation. She was fine with that.
Fast forward to our wedding night and Melody was exhausted from the long drive to & from the wedding venue and the reception. As much as she wanted to make love for the first time (& as much as I wanted to), we could not manage to do so because of her very small vaginal opening from a strong hymen.
She gave me two orgasms other ways but she was not able to gift me her virginity on our wedding night. She thought that I was disappointed, but I told her that it was difficult because she had saved herself for me and that we’d get there.
Early the next morning my still virginal bride woke me up. I will never forget that beautiful sight of her beautiful nude body and the determined look on her beautiful face. She said, “Let’s DO this!” And we did!
It hurt her when I first went in and I could feel as her hymen tore & gave way. Yet it was a glorious experience for us both. In her first full sexual intercourse, Melody soon felt the pleasure overcoming the pain. She even had her first orgasm!
So we joked later that we were glad I got to be her lover and her dilator. We made up for the wedding night by making love 7 times on our first full day as a happily married newlywed couple.
I wrote all about this experience in my MH story, “Melody’s First Time” parts 1 & 2.
All that being said, you & your future husband will need to discuss this topic. Everyone and every couple is different.
By the way, I believe very strongly that Jesus saves and He forgives. Melody felt that way too or she never would have accepted a sinner like me with a past. (A between-marriages past.) We say that we believe in Jesus, but we also need to BELIEVE Jesus when he says he will cleanse and heal us from our sins or our loved ones’ sins.
God bless you in your life and keeping the faith. Know that when we met, Melody was in her early 40s & I was in my early 30s. We are very glad we did not let our age difference preclude a relationship. Melody also accepted motherhood upon marriage as a bonus & not a burden. We have had 30 or so years of marriage with wonderful friendship and intense love & passion!
So keep an open mind on who you date and don’t assume that you are too old to marry & have a glorious marriage!
Thanks for your response LovingMan, however, I also don't like the term gifting your virginity either to be honest. Mainly because it still carries with it purity culture connotations and considering that most men my age are not virgins, they will not be "gifting" me anything so I'd prefer to call it our first time together whether they are a virgin or not because it covers all bases.
I have read some of your stories and you did mention that you and Melody had some non consensual sexual experiences which you both bonded over. With that in mind calling it a gift makes sense because it emphasises the autonomy and active willingness to have sex with the person your with rather than the lack of permission you both experienced at various points. So I understand why you'd like to call if a gift. It seems as it if was important for both of your conversations and healing.
As for your opinion to not use dialators, I'm glad that it worked out for you and Melody but I have read other examples of women where their experience has not been that plesant. In fact, they have not been able to let a penis inside them for months, unable to consumate the marriage until they got medical help. Plus since the pain could have been avoided, to me it seems offputting to go through that when you don't have to. Like you said every couple is different and that discussion needs to be had.
I'm very glad that you and Melody found each other and have a wonderful marriage. You seem to love each other very much. I'm much more open to dating younger but still not open to dating a divorced man with/without children. Reason being that as I've gotten older, my desire to have children has decreased immensely because I don't have a husband so I can't imagine having kids unless I have one (and this is coming from someone who wanted to be married by 25 and have 4 children by 30 which is obviously not happening). I want children but only if my husband and I can go through that experience together. I want to go through the experience of having uninterrupted sex without being bothered by children and being able to bond as a husband and wife before introducing kids into the picture. What you and Melody had the grace for, I may not have the grace for so I'd still prerfer to date a never married man with no children or stay single. I'm pretty open on a lot of other areas though.
Thanks again for your advice.
My first thought is a dilator would not be needed. I think nature would take over as God intended when your first time comes and with good communication with your future husband nothing will be rushed. It’s amazing what the human body is capable of. Sure 2 to 3 fingers might be uncomfortable during masturbation.l, but I think your bodies natural reaction when it’s preparing for sex will allow it to be much more comfortable than you think.
Thanks ourbestlife for your response. I would hope that was the case but the matter of fact is the older you get, if the vaginal canal hasn't been used, nature may not take it's course and medical assistance may be needed. Some women that are virgins are not even able to accept a penis in for months due to the pain and discomfort. Again, because very little research is done on older virgins it's hard to know.
What does seems to be the common occurance in these comments is that women think that it's fine and some men would be open to it and others are not. I think that reflects the male/female experience and dare I say, male egos are coming into play here as well. Should a husband not want their wife to have a blissful first time experience rather than a painful one?
One thing I will say is that u are at least thinking about the possibility of needing a dilator to create good conditions for your future married life with the great benefits of marital sexual relations. If you've noticed 'tightness' of your vaginal canal etc, its prob a good idea to check it out…but if you are not opposed, I would suggest using either well lubricated sex toys (ie dildos) made for the purpose of penetration, just to see if its simply u needing to get used to the feeling. Their are other, actual 'medical dilators' available as well (plain plastic tubular structures that women use to dilate post radiation to that vaginal area…still need a lot of lube, and they aren't realistic looking, but would still serve the purpose to test the actual tightness of your vaginal canal. of course, an obgyn could be consulted, for supreme reassurance that nothings wrong…but they may just advise using the dilators I described. just my opinion to try them, in relaxed state and environment, if you're not opposed to their use. Hope this helps.
Thanks oldmarriedcouple for your response it helps a lot. I have looked up dialators that could hopefully help make this more comfortable and I'm definetely open to it. I've been going back and forth between different sets since some include vibrators too but they're only avaliable in the US and so too expensive. I asked this questions because I've wondered if they're required. I think in my case it's probably better to be safe than sorry.
Thanks again for your advice
@LovingMan brought up a lot of good points, most of which I agree with. I love his story of Melody's first time because of how raw and real it is, but it also made me cry a bit. Imagining myself in that same situation, I would not want to hurt my wife, especially with the several failed attempts, and I could see myself forcing her to go slower. I know that for virgin women, it can hurt the first time… I just don't see the necessity of that. And as a virgin myself, maybe that is just my perspective, but it's interesting that you touched on this being a matter of different perspectives. Something else you touched on, because I'm a few years older than you, but the likelihood of finding a virgin at any particular age, I don't know if virginity's been too idolized, if not marrying a virgin is somehow a compromise one has to "resign" to, or if it's something you should give up on yet, because virgins do exist into their 30s and beyond.
Honestly I think I'd be just as happy with a single mom, myself. But if I get married and my future wife is a virgin, I would have no problem with her using dilators, dildos, whatever. Not just in preparation for me: I just like the idea of a woman that is comfortable with her body, masturbates frequently, is adventurous and knows what feels good to her. After all, how am I supposed to know how to pleasure my wife if she doesn't know herself? But also I just don't see the need for first-time sex to be painful, or childbirth for that matter–get the epidural, please! I would not feel like I had something "stolen" from me merely because my wife had/enjoyed something in her vagina that wasn't my penis, nor would I feel like I had to compete or compare against toys.
I don't know if my attitudes are indicative of single men as a whole, so take it for what it's worth. I suppose I've posted enough encouragement for people to try more penetrative toys for it to possibly be an "agenda" of mine. But there is this one toy review site called Hey Epiphora, and the writer there is wonderful, has a wicked sense of humor, and her reviews are incredibly entertaining. She wrote an article about her journey learning to enjoy dildos called "My Vagina Is a Black Hole," and it's worth a read because she had a very hard time of it herself, for years. And if you are anything like her, best to get that out of the way before you enter into marriage, I'd say.
Thanks for you response Faith-Manages. I find your response very refreshing since most men seem to have an issue with a virgin woman using dialators but I think it would help make that experience even better and avoid the horror stories of painful first time sex that we often read about.
I don't think that it's that virginity has been idolised; that's not it at least for me. I do know that there are still virgin men in their 30s and 40s but they're a lot rarer than women, I find. I know so many women personally that are still virgins, but I can't really list any men personally other than the ones I interact with online like on MH, and most are in the US. I think for me, most men who slept around before getting married fail to have the conviction that I'm looking for. All virgins will be abstainers, but not all abstainers will be virgins. Both are fine as they're aiming to do the right thing. But there does seem to be a lack of sympathy and understanding when it comes to experiencing sex for the first time together if one has had sex and the other has not. Especially if that person is a man. They share the experience which is still special but not the first time novelty. Again, that's not to say that it isn't special, but it will be different. Most virgins would like to be with another virgin, but we tend to not meet each other or find each other attractive, so we open up the dating pool to non-virgins to "increase our options".
The article was very interesting! Thanks for the recommendation. It's definetely encouraging. I was thinking of holding off using penetrative toys until I actually found someone to marry because marriage isn't guaranteed, but I may have a look around now and see what I can find (after the dialators haha)
I'm sorry that my response is very refreshing instead of commonplace, but I'm hoping that someday that will change! I guess only you can decide if it's a "risk" trying this before finding out what your (potential) future husband thinks of it all, but you know my perspective. Prayers for all of us singles to find the right spouse with the same values as our own! And honestly all this talk about dilators has got me curious about trying out a set myself…
No need to apologise, all we can hope is that things will change in the future. Still looking around for a suitable set or if there are sets of small non-intimidating vibrators that might ease me into things. Thanks again!
My pastor told us that his wife had to have a hymenectomy so they could have intercourse on their wedding night. It solved a similar problem – they have 5 children. You might want to investigate this option with your gynecologist. A surgical procedure under a doctor's supervision sounds safer and more comfortable than a "do it yourself" process with a dilator.
Thanks for your comment. However looking into what a hymenectomy is and why a woman might need one, this isn't the norm to be honest and is actually pretty rare. The main thing that flags this up is the lack of menstruation or its lasting too long due to it being blocked. Glad that she was able to get it sorted though.
I think what I'm facing is just typical discomfort because the vaginal muscles have never been used. Just like if you're using a new machine at the gym for the first time there will be pain. Similar to this. But you have to warm up those muscles and the vaginal muscles I presume would be the same. Thanks again
My wife and I were both virgins when we married at 25. She had difficulty even with tampon insertion so she had to have a minor surgery prior to us getting married. Even then, it was painful for her. I am 6.5" flaccid, 8" hard and a little over 6" in girth. She just told me to keep going even though it hurt. I still have to lube up a ton to get in. Both our kids were C-section, so she is still tight.
Thanks for your comment but, oh dear. If I'm honest, that doesn't sound great. Makes me more nervous than hopeful. Guess it's time for me to practice lol. Thanks for sharing and your honesty.
Personally, as a single man, I wouldn’t have an issue with my gf or future wife using dilators or dildos. In fact it would probably be a turn on.
If it’s to prepare for a real cock one day or even if it’s just for her personal pleasure, I think either reason would be appropriate. And wether I’m a virgin or not, I wouldn’t be worried about her preparing for being stretched. Obviously wanting to be prepared for a real cock stems from the desire to have the first time go well (or at least with as little hiccups as possible haha). But again even if it was for “selfish” reasons like just wanting to insert more fingers inside or being able to comfortably use a dildo… I don’t see an issue with that either.
But for your situation, I think it honestly just depends on what you want to do. I don’t think there’s a wrong or right choice necessarily. Though dilators do sound very clinical and not sexy hahah, so maybe it would be more fun and enjoyable to get a few different smaller sized dildos and play with those for a bit? It would give you the chance to warm up to penetration without feeling like a medicinal procedure? I’m sure there’s one too where the head starts out very small and slowly gets larger from there… that would probably be an easy start.
Thanks for your comment. Nice to hear that there are men that won't see it as a problem. I see what you're saying about it being clinical, but the issue for me isn't the head being too big; it's the length and girth. Even the "smaller" sized dildos look intimidating. The dilator sets I've seen start off with the size of a pinky which is a LOT less intimidating. If I start off with anything bigger, it will probably be kept in a drawer somewhere never to be used 😂
I would pair the dialators with a vibrator though, so that would make it a lot less clinical, and so I can make sure I'm aroused enough too. I'm still looking around for a good set because sadly there aren't many to choose from.
Ahhh yeah that makes sense haha. That’s gives you plenty of options with size, didn’t know they made them that small! Sounds like a good place to start to me. And hopefully you’ll make nice progress starting there and working your way up to normal penis sizes. I find it so interesting how the vagina works kind of like a muscle you have to train.
If you did eventually get to that point, do you think you’d get a dildo to use just for pleasure?
It's been a while since I've commented on anything here on MH, but you brought me out of the woodwork! So that you have some background on my perspective, I'm a single guy, pushing toward late 20s, US-based, never dated, and never had sex. (So take heart that there are still some of us in your age range who haven't crossed that threshold yet!)
I don't have a strong opinion for or against dilators. If/when I'm in a relationship that's clearly moving toward marriage, I'll probably bring up this topic with my future wife (if I remember to) as part of a discussion about sex and wedding night preparations. Personally, I wouldn't pressure her to use or not use dilators, and I'd encourage her in whichever choice she made! In a way, I could see how it may feel a little extra special if my finger or penis was the first thing to stretch out her vagina, but that's a small matter. And on the other hand, there's also something very special about the thought of her putting in intentional effort to prepare herself sexually for our first time together!
But by far, the biggest factor is the potentially increased chance of her enjoying our first intercourse together. In my mind, the main goals for first-time married intercourse are simply being together, being unified (physically, emotionally and spiritually), and experiencing mutual sexual pleasure in the consummation of our covenant. Everything else is secondary. So if by self-exploration or other means, she has discovered she's tight enough that intercourse might be difficult or painful, I would 100% support her in finding ways to make that easier.
It's very important to me for her to enjoy that first time, because in my view, mutuality is one of the most beautiful parts of sex. Just to illustrate without too much of a tangent: I'm not exaggerating when I say that my enjoyment of any given sexual activity would be decreased by probably three-quarters or more if I knew my wife was not enjoying herself. Similarly, even the most mundane, unadventurous, "vanilla" sexual activity would be beautiful, intimate and exciting if I knew my wife was enjoying herself.
That said, in studying Christian marriage and sex resources, I've found I don't always fit the typical picture for many men (which I think is partly just me being a bit different, and party a failure of Christian men in general to live up to their calling of extraordinary and holistic love for their wives). So this mindset of mutuality and putting extreme value on the woman's enjoyment may not be as heavily emphasized by some men. Maybe, maybe not, I just don't know. I can only speak for myself. Although now that I think about it, it seems like the vast majority of the men of MarriageHeat put great emphasis on bringing pleasure to their wives, and they also gain great satisfaction from knowing their wives are experiencing pleasure. I think that's telling, and I suspect that's a big part of the reason why the sex lives we read about here are thriving: when both spouses are focused on giving and serving sexually, and both spouses trust and know that their spouse is focused on giving, and they both understand that they both enjoy giving, it creates an atmosphere of mutual love where a sex life truly thrives.
I liked what you had to say, PatientPassion. It's very encouraging to hear men talk about wanting their wives to have pleasure. I think even in Christian circles there is still this unspoken belief that pleasure is for men and wives just have to give it to them, regardless of their own enjoyment. Thank you for being a caring man of God. I'm sure you will make a great husband to someone!
@PatientPassion – Glad that this discussion prompted you to come out and comment! Honestly hats off to you. It's always nice to hear that there are some men still waiting. It's just sad that they all seem to be on this site 😂. I'm not based in the US so that doesn't help matters either sadly.
I agree with you, the choice ultimately should be left up to her but I love your take on it. And you're right, men on this site do want to bring pleasure to their wives and that helps them have fufilling sex lives. This is a massive issue in Christian circles because most men I've talked to have had sex, like the fact that I haven't, but then feel some sort of way when I bring up the topic of female pleasure. (This happened once, mind you, but he literally didn't care. It was awful.)
But as a woman, I'm the same. If my husband wasn't enjoying himself, my enjoyment would also go down. Both people should be enjoying themselves, which leads to an enjoyable sex life as you've mentioned.
Great topic, SinglePringle! As a virgin woman approaching the 30s, I too am seeking to understand my body and combat that tightness. Here's my two (or two-hundred; this is lengthy) bits' worth: we have a gift in our bodies and our sexuality. Whether we marry or not, we can enjoy these gifts. I firmly believe that that is Biblical. The Church has disallowed so much in the way of pure sexual pleasure that we've denied ourselves enjoyments that God meant us to have. There should be no guilt in exploring our bodies. Women are extremely complex and our ability to attain sexual pleasure is a rough road, yet we are no less worthy of that pleasure than men. As I become more bold in trying things, I find that my body is opening up, so to speak. Yes, I am very tight. I have to masturbate (hump a towel) and have a lot of hot thoughts to get wet. Only once I'm really warmed up and lubricated can I use my vibrator (though I don't turn it on. I use it like a dildo). Where I am in my cycle also plays into it. Sometimes that first penetration hurts pretty bad, while other times it's actually easy and gets even easier. I've never used a dilator, but I wouldn't be surprised if I needed either that or pelvic floor therapy if married sex ever became a possibility for me. I've begun doing some Kegels into my daily workouts. Just simple squeezes of those pelvic muscles while concentrating on breathing. The goal for sex should be "no pain". I read an interesting article from a great site called Natural Womanhood where one of the staff writers talked about her journey of vaginal tightness and pain. She finally went to two therapists/OBGYNs who practiced natural family planning and fertility awareness, and they straight up told her, "Sex should not be painful." She was shocked. But she worked with them and ended up completely overcoming her issues so she could enjoy sex with her husband. Sometimes it's endometriosis or vaginismus. Those are fairly common problems in women and they can be misdiagnosed or even undiagnosed. Other issues can play into it. For instance, I am insulin-resistant and that affects my ovaries, which contributes to my painful periods. I am working with a more natural-minded doctor now to address that and some other problems which are interfering with my sexual health. This is just to encourage you and let you know that there are answers for these female problems, and that you are doing the right thing in trying to understand and enjoy your body. It can only be for good anyhow. If you marry, you have a store of knowledge on what gives you pleasure. If you don't, you still have that knowledge to enjoy solo pleasure!
Love your response, LovelyLonelyLady. You're right about cycles: it really does have an effect on so much for us women. The times I've been able to insert two fingers have been mid-cycle. (Clearly my body is like, "give me a baby!") My mind is very far from that as a currently single woman, but biology is biology 😂
I do hate the narrative that sex should be painful. It shouldn't, and women should be encouraged to make it as painless as possible their first time. But even if I never have sex, that doesn't stop me from solo play, like you've said. Getting a doctor where I am is pretty tricky, but from the comments on this thread, I might have to look into it at some point sooner rather than later.
My wife and I have struggled with vaginismus for 21 years of marriage. We had no idea what it was when we first got married. We didn't consummate until 3 months after our wedding. We had difficult sex for 17 years, then finally saw a specialist in 2019 who diagnosed her with vaginismus. We stopped having PIV sex, then planned on going to a pelvic floor specialist, but then the coronavirus crisis happened. We haven't had PIV sex since April 2019. Last October, my wife started using Intimate Rose dilators. She has been working through the sizes and is now on the second largest size. We look on target to be having PIV again by the end of the year. Even though she is 50, and 4 years post-menopausal, and even though we are not having PIV, we are having some of the best, easiest, and frequent sex of our lives. I highly recommend the Intimate Rose dilators. A lot of people don't realize how difficult it can be to work through vaginismus or pelvic floor disorder. Some doctors are insensitive, but this condition is very real. There are some good groups online like a Christian Facebook group, and r/vaginismus on Reddit. We have shared our story on Songs of the Believers and The Marriage Bed under the name "Brian O'Kane."
Thank you so much for sharing and being so open. I really appreciate it, and I'm glad that you and your wife have been able to work through this together. The Intimate Rose dilators set is one that I was looking at as I liked the fact it contained 8 different sizes whereas most only contain 5. My only concern is that shipping to where I am for these ones is expensive as I don't think they ship to outside the US, which is a real shame.
I will have a look at some of your additional recomendations. Thank you so much once again!
Single Pringle,
I don’t know how much you will appreciate a response from a senior, but some things never change and an unpleasant honeymoon because of penetration issues is the last thing you and your spouse will want. The relative cost and effort to stretch yourself before marriage will be a well spent investment, and if you use dildos, will come with the bonus benefit of much solo pleasure before hand. My advise would be to purchase a smaller dildo to start with and if it becomes obvious that it won’t work, you can move to dilators next. Yes, there will be costs involved, but look at it as an investment rather than an expense. By the way, I am so pleased to see you comfortable with masturbation. One of the things I would have done more if I could do it al over again would be to masturbate more. It’s free, it’s fun and it has all kinds of benefits. I don’t have the benefit of a sex partner now so I masturbate as much as my old body will cooperate.
Besides, as my name says, it is so much fun!
My wife has suffered from severe endometriosis for decades, and so we’ve not been able to have PIV sex for probably 15 years. Instead, we’ve perfected the art of non-penetrative sex and enjoy a fantastic sex life. Do seek professional help, but also anticipate that the conversations you’ll have with your husband may open opportunities for honesty, vulnerability, and creativity. Navigating this together might be spiritually nourishing for him, as it has been for me.
Any updates for us SP? I’d be interested to hear how it’s going for you!
Ladies, I have a suggestion to add to your sexual menu: thigh-fucking.
Lie on your belly, spread your legs, let your husband get into position behind you, and then close your legs — so that your thighs give his dick a good squeeze (but not TOO tight, ouch). His legs will be on the outside of yours. This is similar to the "starfish" position — except, of course, that his dick is not inside your pussy.
If done correctly (which includes lots of lubricant, and possibly a wedge pillow), then you will experience some light rubbing and pressure on the outside of your pussy, along with some possible clitoral stimulation (especially is he is "well-equipped"), but without the pain of vaginal penetration. For the man, the feeling is pretty good — especially if you use plenty of lube, and if you have plump thighs. (Even as an adolescent boy, I was attracted to plump thighs — long before I knew about this wonderful use for them.) Ladies, you will still be able to feel most of the other physical sensations and intimacy of regular sex, but without the pain. This can also be used when you have your period, when you are not as much in the mood as he is, or simply as a change of pace.
I'm very fond of thigh fucking. Please feel free to reply with any of your "success stories" when trying this method. I hope that you find it helpful.