Where Do We Draw the Line?
Where Do We Draw the Line?
A Christian Conversation about Sex, Desire, Pleasure, and Boundaries
Sex.
Desire.
Pleasure.
For Christians, these are often tricky topics. God created sexual desire as a gift, meant to be enjoyed in marriage, and meant to bring connection and joy. But it can be misused outside His design. So how do we honor God while embracing the passion He built into us?
God’s Design for Marriage
Marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman, and sexual intimacy within marriage is sacred and exclusive.
- Genesis 2:24: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”
- Hebrews 13:4: “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure.”
- Proverbs 5:15–19: “Drink water from your own cistern . . . let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. May her love satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated by her love.”
Takeaway: God calls us to keep sexual intimacy private and holy. It is meant only for your spouse. Passion and pleasure are a gift—not shameful, but sacred.
What the Bible Calls Sexual Sin
Anything outside God’s design for marriage is sexual sin called porneia in Scripture.
- Fornication — sex before marriage (1 Corinthians 6:18)
- Adultery — sex with someone other than your spouse (Exodus 20:14)
- Pornography and Lust — desiring someone who isn’t your spouse (Matthew 5:27–28)
- Other sins — incest, coercion, prostitution, bestiality (Leviticus 18, 1 Corinthians 6:15–16, Deuteronomy 22:25–27)
Takeaway: Sexual desire is a gift when expressed within marriage; outside of marriage, sex becomes destructive, and even mere desires can lead us astray.
Pleasure is Holy in Marriage
God celebrates desire, passion, and intimacy between husband and wife.
- Proverbs 5:18–19: Rejoice in your spouse and delight in them—desire is holy when mutual and within marriage.
- Song of Solomon 7:6–12: God created sex to be pleasurable, romantic, and connecting.
Takeaway: Sex is meant to strengthen love, create connection, and glorify God, NOT to bring you shame!
The Gray Areas
The Bible doesn’t specifically mention oral sex, anal sex, masturbation, sex toys. But here’s a simple rule: if it honors your marriage, is consensual, respects God’s design of marriage, and draws you closer together, it’s not forbidden.
Takeaway: Marriage intimacy is for exploration and joy, as long as it respects God’s design and your spouse.
Drawing the Line
Every couple’s boundaries will look different. What matters most is:
- Open, honest communication
- Mutual consent
- Prayer and seeking God’s guidance
Takeaway: Let God-given desire bring you closer emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
Final Thought
Sex is a gift from God. When approached with love, respect, and holiness, your passion and sexual desires become a reflection of His joy, intimacy, and covenant love.
Beautifully written! I believe Christians certainly have freedom in the areas of anal sex, masturbation, oral sex, and sex toys.
I also agree that pornography is a very destructive issue. I do have questions around what constitutes ‘pornography,’ though?
Obviously XXX hard core pornography shows an unrealistic view of sex. It also is created sinfully by unmarried couples. It promotes sin by displaying people having sex with multiple partners etc.
The tension I live in is that anything remotely sexual seems to be deemed “porn” by christians.
Also, Matthew 5:27-28 is translated in the ESV as saying anyone who looks with “lustful intent” at a woman. More is implied here than simply admiring beauty. Jesus is talking about someone that is making plans to seduce someone. DA Carson (Matthew Commentary) says it literally means “so as to get her to lust.” Jesus is teaching against making plans for physical adultery with the person. He doesn't seem to be saying that seeing someone beautiful is automatically adultery.
Because of this, I don’t see anywhere in the Bible where it is prohibited to see a beautiful person. I also don’t see any prohibition for a married couple to possibly enjoy marital aides that some may deem too erotic.
1) Would it be permissible for a couple purchase a sex position book for motivation and creativity…even if it has lifelike drawings or actual photos of couples demonstrating?
2) Could a soft instructional sex video be encouraging or beneficial to a couple? (Not hard core etc)
3) Could an erotic movie where the actors aren’t actually having sex (sex is simulated) be an acceptable addition to a married couples lovemaking?
What if a couple enjoyed these and it increased their creativity, playfulness, and love for each other?
In the Christian environment where essentially all sexual photos or films are quickly dismissed as “porn,” is there freedom for a couple to enjoy some of these resources to encourage their lovemaking…while at the same time rejecting the larger XXX market?
If anyone else has insight on these questions, I would appreciate your thoughts as well!
I concur. While much of church tradition has emphasized the procreative aspect of sex, Paul in the New Testament seems exclusively concerned with sex as mutual love and commitment. And the Old Testament book devoted to sex has no procreation. It's pure erotic pleasure.
Imo, drawing the line is more an act of submission than anything else. Christians are given the boundaries & are allowed to frolic & play as they see fit. We have liberty, but within submission.
We can question. We can view things in our head. We van learn. Yet, there is clear demarcation. All this, with a built in enemy that we don't want to see. And, it doesn't want to be seen. So, our best attempts to obey will always be laced with sin. Either, the act is protested, or submitted to out of our personal preference. Our best righteousness doesn't add up to anything that can save us. Only Jesus meets that requirement.
But, we are called to meet Jesus' requirements. Here's what I see…
Anything, that is two people touching to orgasmic pleasure, outside of hetero marriage is prohibited, by God. Only the hetero marriage couple is allowed two person touching to orgasmic pleasure.
This eliminates His approval of homo, animal, any age, blowjobs, handies, anal, & any other way two people can help get each other off.
The first three are commonly agreed to. It is the rest that you refer to that may come into question. I propose these are off limits outside of the marriage couple for the simple fact that they rarely happen outside of the intercourse act happening.
These acts happen, because of the marriage (in the context of the creation account). The first couple (& their immediate family marriages) would not have thought to exchange spouses for some fun blowjobs, or swapping spouse to give handies. The warm up, foreplay, intercourse, climax, after glow, & cool down are the complete sex act. Intimacy, skin on skin, to orgasm is the point. These acts happen in, & because of, sex. If sex were not the context (happening) these extras would not have been done (outside the marriage). But, the Godless would be alright with it. Married couples largely, maybe always, see them within the married sex act only.
They can replace intercourse, at anytime, for a married love making session, sure. But, we never see these activities happening, in the bible, apart from the marriage context. I gather this means it is all one package. No husband, or wife, would casually dismiss, or understand, their spouse giving a handy, or oral, etc. to a coworker, stranger, or close friend. There is no scripture showing this as Jewish societal tradition. Nor, is there any teaching asserting it to be anything ok.
Some may say that the Bible's silence gives license, like masturbation. But, there is some sort of nod to masturbation when God gives us dominion over His creation, our bodies can orgasm without another being there. Plus, nocturnal emission, & other bodily fluids are mentioned that would make ejaculate an unclean issue, but not a sin issue as long as you are willing to clean up ceremonially.
I connect the Bible's silence on this issue as making it covered & held in the marriage sex package. It is a no brainer, so to speak. Especially, back then when marriage was life, marriage was peak over all, but God. The testimony of scriptures silence, past cultural practice, & modern cultural practice says these activities outside the marriage are not approved of by God.
However, appropriately, nudity, masturbation, & same room sex, among some other sexual activities can happen with other people. As long as all people know, show, go along with God's rule. No sexual contact outside the marriage.
So, touching to orgasm is the sin.
This is why gynecologists are not sinning. Helping a person who cannot help themselves bathe, or potty, is not a sin. Incidental nudity is not a sin.
My two cents. Thanks for the post.
I agree. Some Christians have drawn “lines”throughout history that aren’t prohibited in scripture. This causes a lot of confusion.
The resulting fear and avoidance of sex has truly inhibited the creativity, spontaneity, and joy that God intended married couples to have.
We need more articles like this on the topic of “lines” in married sex!