No Physical Touch Outside of Lovemaking
I love reading all the hot stories here, and recently read great advice being offered too. So I thought to present my case and get any insight others could offer.
I’m 29, my husband is 30. We have been married for 9 years with highs and lows like all marriages. Both virgins when married.
In the first couple of years, my husband used to initiate, mostly. But I feel like, ever since then, it’s just me. He doesn’t initiate but only complains if we haven’t had sex for a few days. So when I do initiate, he’s all in and makes sure I get the pleasure and sex is hot.
But there’s hardly any foreplay… I get all crazy and horny if touched, but he doesn’t touch me unless we are having sex. And I have said it however I could. He knows, but it seems like he can’t help himself. Almost everything else I ask of him, he does—except this. He hardly, if ever, initiates a hug or a kiss. If I do, he doesn’t push me back or anything and kinda gives back, but it always feels forced.
I made him take the 5 Love Languages test and unsurprisingly, physical touch was the bottom of all 5 for him. It crushed me a little inside because this IS my love language.
I thought I had made peace with that aspect of his personality, but whenever we hit a low in our marriage, or he complains about not getting enough sex, this wound gets fresh again.
My countless pleas of getting therapy have been rejected. What do I do?
I’d feed his top love language and start there!! Hoping for wonderful results! Keep us at MH posted!!?
I'm curious as to which language that is. Maybe your MH friends can help come up with suggestions to fill his bucket so that it may spill over into yours.
Remind him that showing love the way a person (you) likes to be shown love is an intentional thing. My wife likes getting words of encouragement in the form of little notes. That's the furthest thing from my mind. She also responds to acts of service, like moving the laundry or washing the dishes. Again, far from my mind. I have to find ways to remind myself to do these things. Since I like physical touch, it's very easy to give a hug to show my love, but that doesn't speak near as loud as the previous things I mentioned. Loving someone pushes us to not be lazy and do what comes natural, but rather be proactive in making your spouse's day special, every day.
Well said!
Don't let it crush you!! This is vital information. It helps you communicate with him in his language; it doesn't mean he can't also learn to communicate in yours. In a mutually loving relationship, we compromise, we understand and we make efforts to communicate in a way that we can be heard—both of us!
It's very possible that he has it in his head that you wouldn't like him to initiate. Or he may have been hurt at some point by a refusal of his advances and think he should leave it up to you so that he's not offending you or risking rejection. Lots of men feel this way if I'm to judge by comments on many advice posts on this site.
Here's my suggestion: The next time he complains that you haven't had sex in a while, say something along the lines of "Oh! I didn't realize you wanted me. We need a signal. How about next time you start feeling like you'd like some loving, you wrap your arms around me and kiss my neck?"
If you want to up the ante, you could change it to "I guess my drive is down because I need more physical touch each day. You could help put me in a loving mood by touching me the way I touch you."
And then set the example for him. Touch him in the way you want to be touched and see if he picks up on what you like. Make sure he knows (and remembers, but in a loving tone) that you need to be kept on a slow simmer to be ready to turn up the heat at a moment's notice.
The problem that comes in is that, until he's horny, he may not desire physical contact. But that's where the unselfishness of marriage has to be two-sided. The Bible tells us that he who loves his wife loves himself. (Eph. 5:28b) That is nowhere more true than in a sexual context, in my opinion. But that love has to be communicated in a way that she can comprehend. So you learn to read his declarations of love in his language(s) *and* ask him to learn to also make them in yours. Likewise, learn to communicate your respect for him in his language *and* teach him to read how you are saying it in yours. (Hint: if one of his languages is words of affirmation, you might try saying "I really appreciate this hug. It reminds me of all the ways you love me." Find ways to build him up in his language for communicating in yours.)
I applaud your advice. Well said.
I listen to Sexy Marriage Radio podcast with Corey Allen a lot, and one thing he has pointed out is that the higher desire spouse just naturally winds up initiating more, because it is on their mind more. That has helped me a lot to just accept that fact as the HIgher Desire partner, and then I aim to be even more thankful that she says yes, a lot.
Yes, it would be interesting to know his love language. And like one of the other comments, said, once you know that, it does take intention and effort to do things in your spouse's love language for them, but it is a help.
Glad your husband enjoys it when you get going.
Another concept I have heard from Sexy Marriage Radio and other places is the concept of one partner having spontaneous desire- ie, sexual desire can hit almost anytime, and the other partner having responsive desire- ie. they really don't have a big desire for sex, but once they get going they really enjoy it
Also, I just remembered that J from Hot Holy and Humorus has a Facebook group specifically for higher drive wives. That group might have lots of idea and so far as I know it is free.
Good advice, CHL. The five love languages are good for all to know.
I am sorry to hear about this. Thanks for being brave and sharing your pain.
I am in a similar situation as touch is an important love language for me but much lower for my wife. I always feel I am dying for touch but it just is not natural or instinctive for her. She has to be reminded to actively think about it. So I think you are right in saying it's "like he can't help himself" – he just doesn't think about touch the way you do. And that is very hard to change. But it is especially unfortunate if he is not willing to try therapy or otherwise address this.
I agree with the other posters that the best approach for now may be to focus on the connection to sex, and how touch/foreplay and sex are so connected for you. But also, what is his preferred love language(s)? Are they much lower for you – the reverse of touch? Is there a way to reciprocate or help him understand that there are things more important to him that you don't think much about, just as touch is for him? Good luck.
What seems to be a big part of the problem is how he prompts you for sex. He complains of his needs not being met, rather than trying to meet one of your needs—then reaping the rewards.
The 5 love languages are a good tool. Teach him that the way to ask for sex best is not by complaining; but rather, he should touch you in a certain way. Come up with a code (i.e. when you kiss me and pat my ass two times, I know that you are needing to be with me). He may begin making the connection over time that touching you lovingly benefits you both.