Vasectomies and Fertility
I’ve been certain for several years now that I don’t want or have the calling to have kids. It’s just not in my nature or personality and doesn’t fit into the other things the Lord clearly wants me doing. Plus, health problems make me cautious. And I have come to view marriage as its own mission, its own ministry. If I marry, my goal will be supporting, loving, and helping my husband as we serve the Lord together. That’s major and I would focus on that.
So If I get married, I plan to practice Natural Family Planning (NFP) and Fertility Awareness-based Methods of birth control. My prayer is that God will send me a man who feels the same way and is not feeling led to have children. Personally, if either I or my future husband was somehow infertile, it seems it would make things easier.
I have a question: is a vasectomy 100% effective at preventing pregnancy? If so, I would consider marrying a guy who had that procedure. Have any of the men on here taken that route? What do you ladies think? Does it increase the opportunities for intimacy or lessen them? I’d love to learn more and better understand sex between a couple who are childless. Thank you!
My immediate question is if you're are completely sure that you don't desire children, shouldn't you be the one to take the initiative and get a Hysterectomy or Oophorectomy instead of waiting and hoping that your future husband (should you get married) wants a vasectomy or comes along having already done the procedure? I understand that these procedures are much more invasive for women than for men but if you aren't willing to take that step yourself, I'd feel that it's pretty cheeky to request that the guy you're with gets one if he hasn't already. You take away his ability to have kids while you technically can still have them (until menopause). This could cause resentment.
I do want kids but I'm not married and it doesn't look like that's happening anytime soon. However, I know that once I'm around 33, I'm going to freeze some of my eggs so that if I get married much later than expected, at least it's more likely I'll be using healthier eggs (plus if he's frozen sperm, even better). Again, freezing eggs is a much more invasive treatment than freezing sperm but I'm not going to leave it up to him to sort it out because he may not have. Because women are the ones that carry a baby, it's our responsibility to be more pro-active in either getting pregnant or not.
Thank you for these observations! I actually had not even thought about having a procedure done. At this point I'm still trying to figure out my fertility and hormonal health and don't know what lies ahead. I've had irregular cycles and other issues for years, so I suspect underlying problems. But I will keep that in mind.
According to this and other studies, vasectomies are almost 100% effective. https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/vasectomy/about/pac-20384580. [Link approved – MH]
If both of you are sure you don’t want kids, it would be a good way to have much more sexual freedom and spontaneity in your marriage in my opinion. Best wishes!
LLL, the decision to have children is between you, your husband, & Heavenly Father. That being said, having children (& later grandkids) is one of life’s greatest joys. I hate to see you miss out on that.
My wife was a wonderful mother to our kids. Our kids are from my first marriage & Melodie adopted them. She was never able to give birth herself but she was & still is a wonderful mother and grandma. (& wife) It turns out that her health problems would have made carrying a baby very very difficult – or impossible. That may explain her early miscarriages.
So if you have health problems that make a successful pregnancy impossible – there is always adoption or/& marrying a man who already has kids.
Some Christian women are judgemental of single divorced men and especially of single fathers. I am glad my Melodie was happy to become both wife & mother at the same time… on our wedding day.
Maybe you will feel differently about motherhood when you are married. It is also quite possible that your husband will want children or a child.
As far as vasectomies- they are around 99.9% effective. Only 1 or 2 women in 1000 will get pregnant when their husband has had a vasectomy.
May God bless you in your search, your choices, and in your continued life of service.
I know you're trying to come from a good place but not everyone should have children. There are women that actually regret having children yet they were promised happiness once they had them. There are also people who physically can't find a partner that will "miss out" on motherhood according to what you're saying. Children can be a joy or a curse depending on the person, just like marriage. Just because children are a joy for you doesn't mean it will be for someone else so we have to be mindful of that.
"Some Christian women are judgemental of single divorced men and especially of single fathers. I am glad my Melodie was happy to become both wife & mother at the same time… on our wedding day." The issue that would bring some Christian women like myself sadness i.e. becoming a mother and wife at the same time is what bought your wife joy. This is not judgement but an valid understanding from women who want to enjoy being a wife first and then a mother. If you've had kids during your marriage, there's nothing to judge (apart from the reasons of divorce which is a very seperate matter), but it's a massive responsibility for a women to take on kids despite not having any of her own. Some women dream of motherhood so they don't mind if they come at the same time as being a wife. Others want to be a wife first, then a mother. Neither is superior, they re just different. The order is love, marriage, kids, you can't fault some women for wanting to fall within that order.
"Maybe you will feel differently about motherhood when you are married. It is also quite possible that your husband will want children or a child." This mindset could also cause marriage break-ups. If you have different mindsets when it comes to children, you shouldn't be with that person. What you see is what you get,. A man that wants children shouldn't really marry LLL if she's set on not having them. Otherwise, you're building a situation that could cause resentment and lead to an unnecessary divorce anyway.
Thank you! You all are such blessings because of your wisdom and gracious replies. I am positive I don't want children. In my mind, it's a calling, just like any other calling (pastor, doctor, military member), and I have no desire or tendency that way. So for me, there is no question. I am the type of person who wants to be free, in a sense, to help other people in their life struggles. I have been a sort of sidekick to my mom, who went through depression like I did; I try to reach out to widows, the elderly, and single moms; and I intend to bless and influence the children that my married siblings bring into the world. That's just me. Not everyone is called to that and I completely get it. As to the man I might someday marry, I can only pray that he has the same views.
It's not 100% safe, I was told it is 99.9%safe. I've had the procedure for 5 years now, with a active life style with making love to my wife 3 times per week.
Vasectomies are as close to 100% as you can get. Mine had no effects, other than peace of mind because we did not plan to have any more children.
However, I believe, and I think so do most medical professionals, that people should not undergo permanent birth control procedures too early. Ideally people should be established in permanent relationships before they take that irreversible step. Even if you are pretty sure you don't want to have children, and seek a partner who feels the same way, there is always a chance you may meet someone different and change your mind. And if you aren't sexually active anyway, that's a further reason to wait.
My question is why you say you will only rely on 'natural' family planning methods if you get married. Do you object to pills or other types of birth control? If so, would you not object to vasectomies too? There are lots of couples who decide that they do not want to have children, but to do this they need reliable birth control, whether permanent or not.
I've learned a lot about hormonal contraception, and most, if not all of it, is bad. There are side effects that doctors do not tell women and girls about. And it is harmful because it suppresses a woman's natural cycle, which takes literally dozens of hormones at shifting levels to work. It's incredible. I recommend Natural Womanhood to any person interested in this subject. I want to stress that not every woman may be harmed by the Pill, but the risks are so great that I would encourage all ladies not to get on it. When you understand every phase of your cycle and work with it instead of overriding it, you become way more empowered and confident.
As to vasectomies being a form of non-natural birth control, I hadn't thought of it that way. I admit to not knowing a lot about it. I just want to find out options and see what these different routes look like for couples.
I think there are a FEW people that really aren't made to be parents or have children. If you get married, you just have to find someone else that feels the same way.
I worked with a lady about 30ish that had some kind of genetic thing, not sure what and along with that, she didn't want to have any children ever. She met a nice guy and she had told him about not wanting kids ever. He agreed and when they got married, he immediately got a vascetomy. He was about 35 at the time. The lady told me the doctor that did it was hesitant and required them to do counseling and come back and talk about it a couple of times. They did and he did get a vascetomy. That was 20 years ago and they are happily married today.
I highly recommend the guy to get a vasectomy. The recovery time is 72 hours vs her getting tubes tied. Vasectomy is very effective. After our 4th child 25 years ago, we still have peace of mind.
Long time lurker, first time commenter. As others have said, it's not 100%. That said, it offers significant peace of mind. And unlike some of my brothers above, my assumption is that we bear a significant part of the responsibility for doing what we can with regard to family planning and taking steps to ensure that we honor the call of God for our family size and enable freedom sexually.
I've personally been snipped for a while, and although there is no sex to speak of in my marriage bed, it creates a new sense of freedom and enjoyment in my sexuality to know that I am following God's will for my family and still enabling my ability to completely enjoy (hopefully, someday?) sex in the purest, rawest fashion I can.