When Your Spouse Won’t Talk About Sex
A recent MarriageHeat post asked for input and ideas on how best to talk about sex with your spouse. But what if it’s hard to get your spouse to talk about sex at all? That’s what this post is about.
I’m not talking about a spouse who is just shy and needs a little prompting or who needs some help finding the right words. I’m talking about a spouse that is resistant and avoids talking about sex entirely, no matter what. I’m talking about:
“There’s nothing to discuss.”
“Why do you keep bringing this up?’
“Now’s not a good time. No, I don’t know when a good time is.”
“We’re doing it; why do we need to talk about it?”
A lot of well-meaning sex advice tells couples to prioritize communication, especially to deal with problems. But sometimes the first and biggest problem is that one spouse doesn’t want to talk about sex at all. It could be a spouse with lower desire, who doesn’t want to dwell on a subject that makes them uncomfortable. Or it could be the higher-desire spouse, who thinks, Talk isn’t necessary; let’s just have fun.
The couple might still be having regular sex. The spouse might even be comfortable talking about sex, but only when they’re actually doing it. But there’s something missing because they’re not communicating beyond the physical. The spouse never seems open to talking about sex and how to make sex better, nor are they interested in reading a book or article or hearing a speaker on the topic. It’s a no-go zone.
Let’s also be clear that sometimes the non-talkative spouse has a good reason because the other spouse is going overboard. Maybe sex seems to be their primary or exclusive conversation topic. They seem insatiable and are always badgering and bringing up sex no matter the circumstances. In such cases, shutting down may be the best available path of resistance.
But what if the other spouse is trying to be as reasonable as possible, following all the well-meaning advice? What if nothing seems to work to open up the lines of communication, in order to solve issues and move their sex life beyond the purely physical?
I don’t have a quick solution here. There are certainly stories of miraculous awakenings, of spouses that suddenly turn around and are eager to communicate and enhance their sex lives. But a lot of people are still waiting for that awakening in their spouse, no matter how hard they try.
And it can be difficult for couples not in this situation, and sometimes even counselors and therapists, to grasp it. Again, so much well-meaning advice boils down to “Talk about this with your spouse,” “Get your spouse to read this book,” or “Here are some fun ideas to get you started.” But if the non-talkative spouse constantly resists the above, then that’s the bigger problem. Their spouse is willing to work hard and do what it takes to progress, but they just feel rejected and stymied at every turn.
There may be different reasons for a spouse to be that way. It could be their personality. If your spouse is stoic and quiet, especially when tricky subjects come up, or alternatively an emotional waterworks, they’re likely to have similar reactions talking about sex. At least they’re consistent.
There may be underlying reasons like past trauma, whether physical or emotional. They may not even realize the trauma is there, which makes it hard to recognize or articulate its effects. There might be other guilt or shame. All they know is that talking or thinking too much about sex is overwhelming and perhaps painful. So they push it away, often with short-term excuses to themselves as well as their spouse, like, “Now’s not a good time” and “Can we do this later?” But there never seems to be a right time. Even with counseling and therapy, they may struggle with the topic of sex.
It’s also possible that they were not raised to be comfortable talking about sex or bodies in general. Now they’re adults, and they simply don’t know how to do it. They never developed the skills to frame and articulate their thoughts about sex or their own bodies; they just can’t wrap their mind around it. Again, this could apply to either a low-desire or high-desire spouse. They may have gotten the hang of doing it, just not talking about it.
It’s difficult—for both spouses. One spouse may be eager to talk about sex in order to improve their mutual sex life. They’ve bought books, done their research, are always watching and searching for a good moment to bring it up, and have tried different approaches. Nothing sticks. It’s also difficult for the other spouse, who may feel badgered and overwhelmed, especially if the first spouse starts to get more and more impatient and exasperated. So they just shut down even more.
So what can be done? Chances are that if you’re reading this, you’re the want-to-talk spouse, and you’ve already tried many of these. But here are some ideas:
Avoid Turning Communication Into Negotiation. If a spouse rarely talks about sex, there’s a strong temptation to treat any exception as a brief window of opportunity for negotiation. This especially applies to talking in the middle of sex! If they start talking about how great sex is tonight, it’s sometimes difficult not to immediately suggest that maybe sex should happen lots of other nights too. That’s likely to lead to a shutdown, and possibly even a fight. So try to hold back. If every communication seems to open up an implicit (or explicit) negotiation, likely leading to conflict, they’re going to keep avoiding the subject entirely.
Prioritize Other Communication. Ensure that you communicate well on other things, from the everyday to big issues like money, raising kids, etc. Work hard on the big picture of your marriage. The fact is that some couples who communicate well on sex don’t communicate well on other topics. Sex and sex talk may in fact be their way of papering over and avoiding other problems. Prioritizing other communication won’t necessarily lead to better communication over sex. But it can’t hurt. And it’s much better than the opposite.
Plan a Formal Summit. If it seems impossible to have a casual, low-stakes conversation about sex, try the opposite approach. If your spouse is willing, plan well in advance to have a conversation about sex. Like a diplomatic summit, identify the specific topic(s) to be discussed. Plan to keep it short—say, fifteen minutes. Choose a neutral setting where there are no distractions: a coffee shop, on a walk, or on chairs in your backyard. The point is to make it as structured as possible to help your spouse frame their thoughts and to feel listened to. This is not an everyday solution. But like a real summit, it’s sometimes necessary in order to advance peace rather than war.
Give It A Rest Sometimes. As mentioned, if a spouse seems to keep bringing up the subject over and over – asking when can we talk about this; why don’t you read this article; here’s a fun quiz we can both take – the other spouse is just going to feel badgered and will become even more resistant. So it’s important to sometimes give it a rest. Stop following the well-meaning advice and suggestions and just leave it all for a bit. Admittedly it’s possible your spouse won’t even notice that you’re holding back. But they might, and that could encourage them to come out of their shell a little.
Don’t Make it About “Normal.” Especially over issues of frequency, there’s a strong compulsion to try and shove statistics and research at a spouse to demonstrate what “normal” couples do. But the reality is that when it comes to sex, there is a very wide range of normal, and unless your spouse expresses interest, there’s not much use telling them where they fit in relation to the statistical average. It’s never a fruitful subject for conversation.
Always Check Yourself First. Be honest with yourself. Are your expectations realistic? Is this really all about yourself, rather than working together with your spouse and ultimately putting them and their needs first? What can you change about yourself and your own attitudes?
None of these are necessarily going to “fix” the problem at all. But what they can do is help you feel that you’re doing your best. Ultimately, it’s up to God to facilitate any awakening that opens up the lines of communication with your spouse about sex. And I hope this post has at least helped people understand and feel understood.
Not our issue, but good stuff.
Good post, Atlantic Man. Men trying to communicate with their wives may need to recognize that in Christian homes, sex is sometimes a forbidden subject for fear that singles may be tempted by the thoughts that come with conversations about sex. As a result, the woman (raised to be a "good girl") is embarrassed by talking about "naughty" things. You offer good advice, but for a girl raised to "just say no", it may take a lot of time to get over that hump.
Thanks, Frankie. Very right – there are often some big barriers to get over. And it can be hard to even find a way to start.
Wow. Very wise and deep advice here. Thank you for this. I am trying to learn all I can in preparation for possible marriage someday, and communicating is so major. I want to be both open to listening and able to speak up, with love and gentleness, of course. I can only pray that God will match me up with a man who melds with me perfectly so we don't have to have any big problems where intimacy is concerned. I'm thinking from my masturbation habits that I have a fairly high sex drive, but I'm a woman, so it is cyclical. My future husband and I will have to work with that to keep each other satisfied. And I will have much to learn in bringing the needs and desires of another person into my sexual life. That will be interesting!
LLL I love that you always take note of your horniness being cyclical because you’re a woman. You are so spot on with this. Don’t get me wrong I always want my hubby. Especially if he is giving me that sexy look, being a great dad (I find it beyond sexy), he touches my back/goes to massage me, kisses me a little too long, puts sweatpants on, or has a bulge/boner in his pants…I want him so bad. But I definitely notice certain times of the month my hormones are off the charts (usually when I’m on my period too) and when I’m ovulating. It’s always been so interesting to me how much our bodies change throughout the month and now even my hubby is in tune with it.
Thanks LLL. I enjoy your posts and I get what you are saying.
I think a real challenge is the difference between what I’ll call theory and practice. I’m not saying this is the case for you but I think a lot of singles and couples try their best to prepare their expectations before marriage, but then the reality ends up different – see some of my other posts on that. That was certainly the case for us.
It has led me to take a rather liberal position that sex before marriage is not necessarily a bad thing if it avoids an undue buildup of expectations.
@Atlantic Man – Of course there is a difference between theroy and practice. However, I think this is also skewed by the sheer number of men and women that do not wait until marriage to have sex. They are often not comfortable talking about sex and masturbation is normally off the table. These are both things that should be encouraged with singles but coupled with the understanding that not every single person will get married and therefore have sex.
The Bible states that due to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband (1 Corinthians 7:2). We are also told to flee fornication, so there is no instance where sex before marriage is not sin. If a woman is in a position like Esther was who married the King, having sex in that situation still is sin but because it was the King this becomes a grey area discussion in terms of morality. God is the only one who can give a definitive answer in these situations.
There is no way to avoid pre-built expectations. This will happen. It's like trying to study perfectly for a test. You're always going to get a wild question that throws you off that you didn't prepare for. In schools, you take mock exams to prepare for the actual exam. However, just because you fail the mock, you aren't often allowed to drop the subject unless there are exceptional circumstances. You are forced to get better and improve. In an ideal situation, that's how sex should be, both people are willing to work to improve their sex life. It's just that in the example of sex, you cannot take a mock so you have to wait until the actual exam to find out how good you are.
Telling people that you should have sex to avoid certain expectations would only work if people stuck with the person that they first had sex with. But they won't. People take a "mock" exam and then drop the person hoping that the next one will be better instead of sticking it out.
I think it's quite disingenuous for a married person to tell single people that are abstaining to have sex outside of marriage while themselves having sex inside of marriage. It encourages singles like myself to sin. Abstainance is already difficult, especially when marriage to another person isn't guaranteed in this life. It's even worse when you have a high sex drive but, as a Christian, are called to obey the Bible. I am concerned that this position could lead singles in the wrong direction, so I wanted to bring some balance to this discussion.
Atlantic Man this is a very insightful post. I just want to add that good therapists can make a big difference. My wife & I are both survivors of childhood sexual abuse so we both had individual therapy before we met, after we met, & during our engagement. We continued individual therapy after our marriage. I wish we had done marriage counseling much earlier than we did.
All the individual therapy helped us to have a great sex life but I always wanted it more often and more adventurous than my wife. We had some conflict there.
We finally got couple’s marriage/sex therapy twenty+ years into our marriage. We wish we’d done that earlier. Our relationship improved in all aspects! I am less demanding as far as sex since we negotiated a sex schedule and my Melody has become way more adventurous. So we are both happy.
Several of your examples in your post represent us. So thanks for the insight! I just wanted to point out how good therapists helped us & may help other couples and individuals.
Of course we also prayed a lot about our sexual relationship. And the therapists DID help us to communicate better about our sexual relationship.
Thanks, LovingMan. The one thing I’ll point out is that a spouse that doesn’t want to talk about sex at all is unlikely to be amenable to trying therapy on it.
Check out Foreplay sex therapy podcast. Their approach to resolving issues and building intimacy is solid.
Okay, I've been lurking on here forever but I've never posted before. I have this exact problem, and it's been going on for about 10 years (maybe more.) We don't have sex very often (not quite once a month). We used to have sex almost once a week, but the frequency has been steadily decreasing over those past 10 years. We don't talk about it because she gets upset if I bring it up, so I don't. The last time we had an honest discussion about sex was 8 years ago. The only thing I remember from that was her asking me if I'd still love her if we never had sex again, and I said "yes." And it's true. I do love her, I would do anything for her. I feel a low grade sense of rejection all the time though. I don't ask anymore because the answer is almost always "no" and nearly always seems to annoy her that I'm asking. Anyway, thanks for reading this far. I'm not asking for any answers, because I think I already know the answer and that is that I'm called to love her no matter what, and if she were physically incapable of sex I'd continue to be devoted to her the same way I should be if she's emotionally or psychologically incapable.
Thanks, OldGoat. I’m really glad it resonated with you.
I think a lot of spouses are in similar situations where one is just not able/willing to talk about sex in a meaningful way. So a lot of the advice out there is pretty useless because it assumes that starting point as a given.
I agree there’s no easy solutions, but it feels good to know one is not alone.
There is a gross difference in being physically incapable and refusing. And refusing to get help is even worse. Are you called to stay in an abusive relationship? Is it any different when a husband is mentally or physically abusive? Wives can be just or even more abusive if they aren't truly Christ followers. Everything and everyone is automatically on their side. Look at what Johnny Dep had to go through. Pastors caution wives not to stay in an abusive marriage if the husband won't get help, so what is the difference? Of course, children take precedence until they are grown. Is it possible she is waiting on children to be grown before she leaves?
As an aside, can a wife with the vaginal closing still reach climax with oral sex? Can she still show love to her husband with a bj and anal? Just asking.
Well you'd think a bj or anal would be acceptable but when a wife can just give a hj to bring her husband to orgasm then she'll choose that option from my experience.
catlover, thanks for your comment. But it's not necessarily "abusive" just because a spouse won't talk about sex or "refuses to get help". And just blaming them and heaping guilt usually isn't going to make anything better. The challenge is to help them see and understand themselves more than anything else.
Hi Atlantic, have you had any improvement in your situation since writing?
Not much. Things have been pretty constant over the years and over all the things I've posted here. There have been some little improvements, but very slow, and also occasional setbacks.
I can't wrap my mind around the idea of having big ups and downs in one's sex life, the way some people report. It often feels like our sex life hasn't really changed in decades, though not by my choice. When I look back I can see changes, mostly for the better and around communication. The actual sex – frequency, variety – has barely changed at all.
I've enjoyed reading your other posts as they felt close to home for me and I can understand and relate to the frustration you write about. I am going to try a few things to spice up my sex life but ultimately both partners need to be on the same page.
Thanks, and I wish you the best! My main purpose in writing here is to let others feel they are not alone.
It is vital that each partner understand the others view of making love/sex within the marriage. "This is why I like making love to you" to "This is why I don't want/need to make love as much." Once you understand the other side, it helps resolve any issues.
Atlantic Man, I find your perspective valuable and necessary on this site especially. Reading all of your stories gave me an increasingly sinking feeling and my heart broke for your characters, especially knowing that they are based on your own experiences. I honestly don't think I would have the strength to survive a marriage like that. I'm sure everyone has an opinion on what you're doing wrong, or how to "fix" it, but that's obviously not why you started writing. What I'm hoping for is that younger men can learn from this and head it off before it becomes such an issue later on down the road. God bless, and I'm sure that a lot of people here are praying for you; I'll be one of them.
Thanks – I appreciate your words There are many good things about my life and marriage, so I try to look at things as glass-half-full. The main point of my contributions here is to let others know they are not alone.
The random 'opinions' can be annoying, but I know people mean well. What is more frustrating are all the organized ministries out there that do the same thing…telling people that they can have a great sex life if they just put in enough effort.
I spent so many years trying to figure out what I was doing wrong and what I was somehow missing. So I want to crack that cycle for others.