Wife Thinks Sex is Unnecessary and Dirty
First of all I am not a writer, but I am looking for some help.
At times, the wife of 35 years enjoys mutual masturbation, but she doesn’t feel inclined to do it on her own. Says she doesn’t need it and never has sexual thoughts. She doesn’t feel foreplay is necessary but often claims everything hurts.
In our younger years, she enjoyed anal, but now won’t even consider it, doesn’t enjoy receiving oral, and doesn’t do anything to try and get aroused. She has never had multiple orgasms and shows no interest in trying. She reaches orgasm within 15 minutes at all times, and then she’s ready to quit.
I, on the other hand, need much more sex and am willing to do whatever for however long she needs. I have purchased every sex toy known to man, and she typically likes them the first time, but never uses them again. What can I do?
Rcrouse,
Have you enrolled at Christian Leaders Institute? I completed the "God's Design for Sex" mini-course. The course was excellent! The courses are free at CLI and open to anyone. Check out the landing page Marriage Heat points too. https://www.christianleadersinstitute.org/mismatched-sex-drives/
The free mini-course, "God's Design for Sex," is based on a book by Ruth Buezis, Awaken Love. In the course, she talks from a woman's perspective on becoming more sexually alive in the bedroom.
Here is a quote from the beginning of her book featured in the course.
"Jim and I have been married for over thirty years and have raised four amazing daughters. As a couple of left-brained engineers, we had a comfortable marriage grounded in common interests and activities. Rather than sharing our thoughts or feelings, we lived a safe, predictable life based on what we did. Even though we knew God, it was more head knowledge than an intimate relationship. We went to church but rarely prayed together or shared what God was doing in our lives. We enjoyed sex on my terms and my schedule. Early on in our marriage, we figured out what worked and stuck with it."
(Buezis, Ruth. Awaken Love: The Truth About Sex that Will Transform Your Marriage. Awaken-Love LLC. Kindle Edition.)
Ruth is a woman who has gone through a complete transformation. I learned from this course and her journey. All I can do is change myself.
I am a golfer. Golf is a challenging game. I cannot change the golf course; I can change myself. I study golf and figure it out. The game responds as the adventure continues.
Being married to a woman is challenging. She might say the same thing about you.
I loved how Ruth came to this perspective after 30-plus years of marriage.
"I uncovered lies that I believed about myself, my husband, and sex. These lies came not only from the world but also from the church. I dug up sexual baggage that impacted my freedom. I experienced God’s amazing healing. I even went after answers about how my body works, how my husband’s body works, and how they work together."
(Buezis, Ruth. Awaken Love: The Truth About Sex that Will Transform Your Marriage. Awaken-Love LLC. Kindle Edition.)
Great Job, MarriageHeat, for pointing to Christian Leaders Institute. They offer courses to help us live a victorious life in sex and many other topics.
HR.
Sex Education and Conversations, Minister Coach
HR your comment was enlightening! My wife & I discussed it. We may take that course. And we are going to get that book.
-Thanks!
Oh, brother, I can relate. I am at 23 years married and it is a very similar set of circumstances over here. Now, there will be MANY people here who are going to come up with many good ideas, and I encourage you to try them. Every situation is unique in its own way, and some things will work and some things won’t. As a brother struggling with this myself, what I have learned is to take cheerful courage and realize the absolute beauty of what you currently have. It’s easy in this world to see or read about people who have other lives and other experiences, especially when it comes to sex, and long for that other thing someone else has. Life is rarely simple and often messy, and often times, life changes… maybe for a season, maybe for the rest of our days. Things get in the way, and sometimes we can see it; other times, we cannot. My own bride has been dealing with a slew of issues that make our sex life difficult to navigate, and more often than not, it doesn’t happen. But she loves me and wants to tend to my needs, and so we find other ways than the ideal. We tend our relationship in other ways. We follow some lessons from Karezza, which is intimacy over sex, which helps because my brain always goes to “Denial means I’m not valuable,” which is a lie from society. We also look at our marriage as a tool God uses to perfect our souls, and these struggles are not without growth. He brought us together for a purpose, and He is working out that purpose. I also pray the Jesus Prayer (Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on/aid me” over myself, my wife, our marriage and our intimacy three times a day. There have been deep results in other areas where God is at work. Always remember that God is the author and finisher, and the perfector. He is working for you and your bride’s shalom, the flourishing of your souls. Most days, I can kind of keep that in view. It isn’t easy… but it is true.
You’ve done a good job showcasing how your wife thinks sex is unnecessary. It’s more common than most think, especially for wives with low libidos. However, I don’t see anything in what you shared to indicate that she thinks “sex is dirty.” […] The “unnecessary” part is problematic enough. But you will struggle to find a resolution if you view your wife as the villain of the story.
My recommendation would be for you and your wife to get marriage/sex therapy. We found a Christian husband & wife therapists team and that helped us. Our problem was different but somewhat similar to yours. We had been married 22 years when we got therapy together. We also both benefited from personal therapy before and on occasion during our marriage.
The couple’s therapy helped us as we both made concessions. I learned to be grateful for what we had. I also learned to be less demanding. We negotiated a sex schedule and agreed to her giving me oral on holidays.
The result is my wife has become a more “into it” lover. Plus she has become more adventurous as well.
Your situation is different because all people and all marriages are unique. But I think marriage/sex therapy as a couple and individually may be the road to resolving the problems.
God bless you both & good luck! And keep praying for the Lord’s assistance. Maybe He’ll lead you to the right Christian therapist(s). We will pray for you too.