What To Do When She Says No?
Hi all!
This is my first post, so I pray you will all bear with me.
I read a post about nipple play, and it brought to mind the fact that my wife doesn’t care for that. It has been a source of contention since we dated. She had some previous relationships that had negatively affected her regarding her boobs and especially her nipples. (At least one or more of her previous relationships involved a forceful asshole who effectively molested her and groped her, which is why she doesn’t like me doing anything with/to her tits.) It’s my burden to bear as I dwell with my wife with understanding, and I’ve told her I love her tits regardless of whether they’re just for looks and not for touch/play. But it’s never been “on the menu.” We’ve been married for 16 years now and have built a family, and I would never say it’s a “deal breaker,” but it’s also not the only thing she’s particular about.
Recently she has taken her pussy off the menu for anything other than penetration with my cock. I can’t touch/taste or anything else. Anal has always been off the menu, and judging by the current situation, it doesn’t seem like anything I should hold my breath about. Sex is quasi-frequent (2 or 3 times a month or so,) and she will suck on me maybe once every 10-12 times we have sex. But beyond that, it’s mostly quick kisses, then she pulls her pants down and bends over, and I get to cum. It’s not a problem, per se, but it’s not very exciting either.
My question is this: If this is something any of you have or do face, how do you handle perpetual sexual rejection from your spouse when it’s something you really enjoy that they’re just unwilling to give? I want to be respectful of her body and definitely don’t want to add to the baggage she brought into the marriage from the previous relationships. If I ask about it more than once, she gets super defensive and accuses me of pressuring her into doing something she doesn’t want to do (buzz words for “you’re just like my ex.”) I am my beloved’s, and she is mine (well mostly), and that’s not gonna change. I just wondered what advice, if any, you guys could offer.
Thanks!
Oh my brother, I am praying for you and your wife. My wife and I have dealt with somewhat of the same scenerio, so I feel your frustrations.
Have you and your lovely wife openly and heart fully talked about the situation, have you prayed together about your marriage and sex life ? Has she ever gone to a therapist or a pro-marriage, pro-sex Christian counselor? Does your wife understand that sex for men in a committed relationship is just not physical release but also a very strong way of connection, that sex is the way you communicate your love for her? You have also said that you have children now; has she had her hormone balances checked?
Will be praying for your heart to remain soft and not hardened for your Mrs.
Thanks for the response! We have gone to counseling when we were first married. The church we went to at that time had a pastor who was a somewhat self proclaimed “marriage guru”. The counseling was balanced, but his advice was essentially “be thankful for what you have and don’t pressure her to do anything she doesn’t want to do”. For at least 10 years of our marriage, the bedroom and sex was in her control 100%. If she wasn’t in the mood or didn’t want to do a particular act, if just didn’t happen. I was also from a pretty conservative Christian upbringing so masturbation was taboo at best if not fully sin. I don’t think my wife is fully on board with that to this day. Needless to say, it was pretty difficult to get thru. We have since moved away from that town and that church and she has definitely improved in her understanding that my wants and needs aren’t inherently bad just because they don’t align with hers, but frequency and variety is still under her domain of control. It’s been difficult to say the least, but I do love her and am willing to wait and pray for her. Thanks again!
This is a very important question. We have dealt with something similar. My wife is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I am too, but I was molested far less than her. Although she was molested hundreds of times, her abuser never succeeded at vaginal intercourse or vaginal rape. But her abuser DID make her do many other things like anal, oral, etc.
Needless to say, that kind of abuse over 7 or 8 years leaves some deep emotional scars and baggage. The most important thing is that we both got years of therapy even before & sometimes after our marriage.
So, my wife absolutely refuses anal sex. That doesn’t bother me too much. And often she does not like giving or receiving oral sex, and I love both. This has been a source of conflict. However, when she is in the right mood, she can really get into oral.
We saw a married team of Christian marriage/sex therapist 10 years ago, and we negotiated a deal. My Melody gives me the gift of fellatio on holidays. She’ll surprise me once in a while by giving me oral at an unscheduled time.
Over the years, Melody has perfected her technique and skills at fellatio, and she takes pride in that. She is sssoooo amazing! She says that often it’s not her favorite thing to do but she loves me, so she gives me that gift. And like I said, sometimes she DOES get into it. That happens more and more frequently lately.
We’ve been married around 30 years and Melody only let me start coming in her mouth 7 years ago. (It feels great by the way.) She still often asks me to not cum in her mouth so the fellatio is great foreplay.
As far as cunnilingus – she has to be in the mood to really enjoy it. But she’ll often let me give her oral during our lovemaking sessions. It will be brief unless she finds she’s really in the mood for it. Then I get to feast for quite a while.
Over the years, Melody has loosened up and become way more sexually adventurous. She’s instigated sex outdoors – in the car – etc.
So, I told you this to give you some hope. I really think your wife needs some therapy. I had a therapist tell me that my wife just didn’t usually like oral, and basically he told me that I should be grateful for what I had. So I don’t spend time mourning only getting fellatio once a month or so. I figure it keeps the experience special.
Yet another therapist helped us figure out how we could make a deal 🤝 on oral. We also have a sex schedule (every 3 days or so.) My abuse made me hyper-sexual, so I wanted sex pretty much every day. The schedule really helped our relationship.
It really sounds to me like your wife needs therapy to overcome the memories of her negative past sexual experiences. Couple’s marriage/sex therapy may help you both as well.
I am sure you are praying for your wife and your sexual relationship with her. Also pray for God to guide you to the right therapist. Sex should be enjoyed mutually and a shared passionate experience.
I can hear the sadness in your voice; thanks for your vulnerability.
Sounds to me like there is stuff going on beneath the surface. You know her relationship to her own body is checkered due to the selfish choices of others, which is heartbreaking.
So I would talk to her, but not about sex. Ask her how she is, if there are burdens she’s carrying, how you can love her, and start there.
Be curious, not judgemental, pray for and over her, and be prepared to grow if you need to.
Has she seen a therapist to process the abuse she received a while back?
Dude. I resonate with this. Sexual rejection has been a painful burden in my life and my marriage. But I don’t give up. Have I had to masturbate more? Yes. Have I experienced a big awakening from her? No. But I am still hopeful that through tough conversations and growth of non-sexual intimacy, the payoff is coming. I want the back half of our marriage to be better than the front half! Hold out hope!
My wife and have been married 40+ years and most of same things you mentioned were off limits in our relationship. I hoped something would happen to help things improve. They didn’t, and then health problems made things worse. The failure to address the problems early on left us with no intimacy at all today. We love each other, but I bitterly detest our failure to confront the problems 30 years ago before her health issues took away the few things that we could do.
Please find a way to get the help the two of you need while you’re relatively young. I wish you well.
While our sexual issues were not as difficult as yours, we got a lot of help reading and discussing a book available from Amazon – His Needs, Her Needs, Building an Affair-Proof Marriage Paperback – January 15, 2013
by Willard F. Jr. Harley.
We've added the 2022 edition to our Bookshop, as well as the participant's guide from the version you mentioned. https://bookshop.org/a/87909/9780800721008
Thanks for the recommendation!
It is sad that far too many Christian marriages have dwindling sex lives. Even worse less and less intimacy. We are less likely to seek the solutions non-Christians may take, like divorce or cheating. MH stories likely reflect less than one out of 4 couples. I look at them as more goals than possible results. I truly wonder if the only solution is to accept living out a relationship without a satisfactory sex life. That may be an even worse "sin" than finding relief. I understand personally how illness and health issues can restrict the physical.
As a woman, I needed to be recognized as a sexual being by others even if no actual sex ended up performed. When my husband was too ill, he encouraged me to go out in a flattering outfit and flirt, then describe the events to him and make up a fantasy ending had I gone home with the person I flirted with. While clumsy at first for me, I knew how much it meant to him.
Sad that so many couples don’t have satisfactory sex lives.
From what I’ve read (on one survey) married Christians reported that 63% were satisfied or very satisfied with their sex life in their marriage. That still leaves over a third who were not satisfied. The survey people emphasized the need for Christian couples to talk with their spouse about sex.
Individual therapy & marriage /sex therapy really helped us!
I’m sending out positive vibes. I’m thinking one lunch with my wife would kick her into gear…
Since your wife doesn't have an apparent interest in sex – does she have any idea as to the pleasure and satisfaction one can achieve by having an orgasm? My wife was married three times before coming to the Lord. During her previous marriages, she felt sex to be just a wifely duty. She felt as if she were just a cum receptacle. We did things the Lord's way and waited to have sex until after being married. We had a lot of sex discussions prior to marriage. I let her know that I wanted her to enjoy sex as much as I did and still do. We achieved that goal. We are now both 76 years old; have been married for 31 years and she is still deliciously wet and she initiates sex.. Sounds as if the two of you need to have some in depth conversation about your needs and feelings. I do have a suggestion for something you might try on those nights when you need sex and she isn't interested. Try a back massage. Both of you get naked and have her lie on her tummy. You sit on her bottom and give her a good massage for 4-5 minutes and then give her a one-handed massage while you stroke yourself. Stop just before you cum and then go back to a good two handed massage. Do this 3 or 4 times and then splatter her back. And once more, give a good massage. Go easy when her back starts to feel tacky. Rub real lightly for a couple minutes and then go back to a good massage. Her back and your hands will feel really nice and smooth. All the while I am doing this I can feel my wife clenching and un-clenching her butt muscles which makes this a two person activity. This activity takes care of my sex need and it helps both of us go to sleep.