Married but Still in Love with Someone from the Past
During my 7th and 8th grades my eyes fixated at a girl as we rode in the same school bus (she was a year younger than me, in 5th and 6th grade respectively) but we never spoke to each other; I didn’t see again her for 10 years as she went to high school elsewhere.
At the dawn of this new century I met a girl during my undergraduate studies who shook all the sensory cells from my brain to my feet; she was beautiful, godly, and intelligent. Our first meeting was legendary: she had stopped to ask a favor from me; what came out of my mouth was a total personal embarrassment. I was a novice with ladies and very shy to express myself but heaps of heart pumps loosened my tongues to say these words: “I just love you!” Immediately I had to organize myself again not to look unchristian before her. We became friends and everything seemed perfect; I felt on top of the world, only to later realize she was the same girl of the past!
However, circumstances drew us apart, partly because we lacked basic knowledge about love and dating as Christian youths. But some other factors were beyond our control as her church policy also put me at a disadvantage: you could not propose to a girl except you first inform her pastor. I expressed my interest to her pastor, but since I was still a student, he didn’t see the possibility of my interest coming to fruition. I didn’t know that there was a new guy in their church who had expressed the same interest, and the pastor approved it, possibly because the man was working full-time. Sadly, the pastor didn’t inform her of my interest in marrying her; she married the other man and moved to another state.
I was crushed to the extent I couldn’t attend her wedding, thinking I would collapse there. I have not loved any other girl the way I loved her.
When I got married, my wife detected that something was not right, but she couldn’t tell what it was. She felt I was emotionally distant even though I acted right. In the meantime, I kept in touch with the other lady to know how she faired and she would call me whenever she needed help. I was always helping her, especially with things pertaining to academics.
A few years ago, she opened up to me about how difficult her marriage had been. Her husband and his family treated her so badly to the point she nursed suicidal thoughts. I wept, knowing she wouldn’t have gone through all that if she had been allowed to marry me. After exchanging more communications, we got to know the reasons why our friendship did not mature into marriage.
I’ve counselled her, prayed with her, and encouraged her in every way I know, partly because it’s the right thing to do and partly because I still love her a lot. She now depends on me for many things (finances excluded), knowing that I am always there to help, and our love for each other has deepened even though we still do not live in the same city. Her husband in recent times has apologized to her for all he and his family did and has become understanding, but that has not reduced her reliance on me.
Please pray for us not to jeopardize the Lord’s name in all of this; I also need honest counsel on the way forward. Has anyone here been in such a situation or do you know any? How was it resolved?
Simple advice. Stop looking for greener pastures. Stop trying to turn back the clock. Be a loving husband to the one you committed your life to.
Trust God by praying that someone else fill the void this woman has and stop playing with fire.
Invest the time you are putting into her on your marriage instead and you will see that your love for your own wife will surpass the infatuation that you think is love.
How would you feel if your wife had built a relationship of relying on another man? Counting on him in your place?
How does your wife feel about your involvement in this other woman’s relationship? If she does not know about it then you my friend truly are playing with fire and unless you put it out someone is going to get burned.
Thank you everyone for you input. I am aware it's not an easy road and it's why I came here to be vulnerable and get perspectives of people like you. Thank you once again. Every idea is well appreciated.
I think this kind of situation is way more common than you might think/is admitted openly etc. With more of us marrying later in life, its impossible to connect with people who don't have a past etc. My personal opinion is that love is a beautiful, and all pervading emotion. You cannot turn it off at will, or compartmentalise/disconnect feelings of love simply because you are now married, or you love someone else. There is always a reason for the lord bringing someone into, or back into, our lives. Maybe it is to resolve unfinished business, maybe it is to develop a new/different degree of productive friendship, maybe its something else. All you can do is pray about it and hold the best of intentions. If you meet each other, do so in public and don't leave opportunities to compromise yourself. So long as you can be clear to yourself, and each other, about where the boundaries are, I don't see an issue. I do also think you should talk to your wife about it, keeping secrets is never a good thing; and if you are driven by friendship and former love to support this woman, she will hopefully understand that. I know if my husband came to me with something similar, I may not love the idea! but I would understand him being torn and his conviction, and the fact he was telling me about it would assure me that there was nothing negative going on. It is a difficult situation and you will be in my prayers. Above all, I'd say treat it as a wonderful opportunity to know yourself, discover your own depths, needs etc. Sometimes, we develop a fantasy like picture of what life might be like to have married a former love. I was also separated from the one I believed was right for me, we reconnected recently and spoke about it, and it hurt deeply, because we both had similar feelings about things! however we have found ways to support each other in our own marriages; and actually, knowing him as I know now, I don't actually think we are as compatible as I'd made myself believe over the years, so him getting back in touch helped me resolve some of those issues. There is wisdom in everything; so reflect, keep an open mind to the answers that will find you. If you act with good intentions, you will not go wrong.
Thank you Starlight,
I have to come back to read your beautiful words of admonition again; I have been pondering over it since when you posted it. Yes, this has enabled me know much more about myself than previous. I came here because I needed to hear from Christians who might have been there and your vulnerability is welcomed. Thank you very much.
I think many of us have these 'missed connections' and 'what could have been.." and it's normal to think about 'keeping the flame alive.' But this is trickier, because it's not just a continuing emotional connection…it's an emotional dependence. Honestly, I don't see any way this can work out short of ending the relationship completely. And I'm saying this in a 100% practical sense, even apart from any moral dimension.
This woman clearly has an abusive past (what's this 'pastor has to approve a relationship'? That's super-weird and a massive red flag of an unhealthy church) and present (even if her husband has gotten better). So you have become her rock and she 'depends on you for many things." While it's good of you to be there for her, it sounds pretty one-sided. You have become her go-to for everything but it's clearly not the reverse.
I have no doubt that you love her and are acting from a generous heart, and forgive my bluntness – she will just keep being needy and it's going to suck you under sooner or later. It's an unequal relationship. It's hard enough to deal with a overly needy spouse within a marriage (and I know something about that); never mind with someone outside your marriage.
You don't say anything about your wife's knowledge of this relationship except that in the past she sensed your emotional distance. It might be possible to keep helping this woman if you keep your wife fully informed and you only help her in consultation with your wife – so everything's aboveboard. But I'm guessing there is way too much hidden history here for that to be a likely option at this point. Another option – and just laying out all possibilities here – is that you need to make a giant life choice and decide that you would rather be with this 'first love' than your wife, who seems to be getting the short end of the stick here, and act on that decision.
I'm not advocating that, but I think you really need to choose one woman here. And again, I'm not even speaking from a moral/spiritual viewpoint. In a typical 'emotional affair' there's at least some equality; both presumably have the same amount to gain and to lose. But this woman has grown dependent on you, and it's only going to get harder to maintain your actual marriage while trying to manage this relationship as well.
I wish you the best.
First of all none of the advice you receive here will be an acceptable substitute for professional counseling, marriage counseling, etc, and I think you should be talking through those problems in that setting, not looking for answers here. Second of all, I'm going to be tough on you.
What I hear you saying is that your wife married a man who was in love with another woman, a woman he has consistently kept in contact with, a woman he has admitted here that he is still in love with. If I was your wife I would feel betrayed at every level and that the marriage was a sham from the beginning. Marriages have ended over this situation, in my own family no less. In my opinion what you're doing is having an emotional affair with another woman! And again as others have pointed out you haven't even told us if your wife knows the truth: I can't imagine she'd be thrilled when she finds out, but the longer you hide it from her the worse it will eventually be for everything.
I know that you came here because you're torn, and you have a lot of regret with decisions you made in the past. I sympathize with you but as I have a woman or two in my past that I am still trying to get over, but maintaining any kind of relationship with this other woman (not your wife) is unhealthy. Any response you get that doesn't acknowledge that fact does you a disservice.
Whatever happened in the past, it belongs in the past, and that includes this friendship with this woman who is stealing your attention away from your wife. Playing "what if" in your own mind will just lead you down a path of emotional turmoil and it does you no good. If you want to save your marriage you need to break off this connection, get yourself into counseling ASAP, perhaps alone at first, but eventually with your wife's willing participation, in proper marriage counseling.
My friend, you are on very dangerous ground.
Here's the problem. You and your friend are just that: friends. A friend that you have inappropriate feelings for, but still just a friend. Friendship is easy compared to marriage. With friendship, it is easy to put your best foot forward. You have no disagreements about how to spend money, how to raise children, how to divide household chores. No disagreements about sex. It is easy to idealize your friend. But no doubt about it, if you were to marry her, it would not be as great as you now picture it in your mind. Marriages between two people who divorce their spouses to marry each other have a 95% failure rate.
And frankly, hiding behind her pastor to make herself unavailable for guys to approach directly, and marrying who her pastor says to marry, is messed up. I'm thinking the girl may still have problems. Plus, you met when she asked for a favor, and is still taking more from your friendship than she is giving. Two big red flags in your short post.
You are investing more effort into your friend than you are with your relationship with your wife. The problem with that, besides being unfaithful in a sense to your wife, causes you to value that relationship more and your relationship with your wife less. You value what you work at.
So please, if you really love this girl, back things way up with her. Greatly limit your communication. Maybe only 15 minutes a week. Get a counselor or trusted friend to hold you accountable, and talk to her only in the presence of your counselor or accountability friend. She needs or wants help, but that isn't your problem. She is an adult now and needs to learn to stand on her own two feet.
Recommit to working on your respective marriages. Meditate on the good things about your wife. Is she pretty? Do you enjoy her company? Do you enjoy sex with her? Start dating her and pursuing her. As I said, you appreciate what you invest in.
Praying for you, your wife, and friend. Please, do the right thing. It is clear what that is.
I hope you will answer the questions of those who have responded to your post, especially about whether/what your wife knows about the other woman in your life. That is an important clue to how serious you are about considering what those responding have to say.
Thanks to the Marriage Heat family for your inputs. For those asking if my wife is aware of my reconnecting with my old friend: yes, she knows and has expressed her disapproval.
It's not as though I have never loved my wife but I just got myself into this mess and I regret it. As Starlight commented, this just opened up to me a greater self awareness; now I know myself much better than before.
Finally, I have had the courage to discontinue the relationship with the lady and focus on my wife who doesn't deserve my extra-marital entanglements.
My wife said one of the reasons she married me was because of my innocence and I think it's a lot better to remain that way.
Once again, thank you.
Hey there, I honestly feel this way too.
I’m in my mid 20’s, and currently seeing someone. However my mind has fixated on an ex boyfriend I had six years ago when I was a freshman at a small Christian college. In the beginning it was so perfect, he really understood me and we had so much chemistry. We had similar upbringings, both Christians, but he lead me on and broke my heart. I still feel sad about it. However there is more to this story. I came to find out that this guy, who claimed to be a strong christ follower, a lead in his church band, and a part of his church ministry, he had been spreading really harmful and disgusting rumors about me and got a lot of people to believe them. Sometimes he would apologize to me and tell me he would stop spreading these rumors only to do so again later on. I often ask God why I miss this particular guy so much. Was it because We had so much chemistry? we both wanted the same things and I fell for him harder than I had ever fallen for anyone in my entire life. I had never met a Christian guy who liked all the same things I did, who also was just as sexually intuitive as I was, but also loved God and wanted to follow him. I’ve been in other relationships since then but never found the same level of attraction and contentment as he made me feel. In the few good moments we had, he was kind and caring, and it was hard to realize that this same person was so vindictive and hateful of me. Someone who had no concern over ruining my reputation and college experience. He made me feel small, and invaluable and six years later I continue to pray to the Lord that he allows me to completely forget him. I still cry over him and ask myself what I could have done to get him to want me back or want to stay. But the truth is, he hates me, he has made that clear. He took all the deep personal things he knew about me from my own dark past and used it against me. I am so worried of never finding another man to make me feel that way again, someone who loves Christ but also is sexually intuitive like I am. It has been a hard six years, and I have been in therapy trying to unlearn all the harmful things I began to think about myself. I am still healing, but you are not alone in this either.
Sorry to go off on my own tangent but this is something I completely relate to in my own life, and while I don’t have an answer for you, I can say that you are not alone in feeling this way.
Sorry to hear about your experience, mine is not too dissimilar. There's something about falling for a version of someone that you create in your mind instead of who he/she truly is. For me it's always been one-sided, and even then I fear I will be measuring up women in the future by how I felt about women from my past. I'm not the best person to give advice, except to say that you're on the right path with therapy, and perhaps getting inner healing/deliverance wouldn't be a bad idea either. I think this topic can hopefully be a warning to others in the future because no one should ever enter in to marriage in love with a different person than the one you're about to marry.
Thank you very much for your input. It's a difficult place to be in. You're actually in the right direction. May the Lord grant you strength to unlearn as you do desire.