Sexual Communication Question
Good morning, MarriageHeat Community!
I’m hoping some of y’all would be willing to share how you bring up sexual concerns in your marriage. Do you have a standing check-in date? A specific location? How do you even start?
My husband is very quick to perceive anything less than perfection as complete failure. I have to be VERY careful how I verbalize anything to him, especially anything that could be taken as criticism. This sensitivity is magnified when the topic is sexual. My problem-solving, direct way of speaking is almost always too abrupt for him. It’s taken years of marriage for us to understand this about each other.
There is a specific sexual act I’d like from him that I want to discuss. It is something he’s done several times before, but hasn’t now in a few years. I don’t know why he stopped. Does he not like doing that anymore? Does he just not want to? Is it something else?
I REALLY would like more of this! But I hate to make him feel like he’s not doing enough as is or cause him to shut down. I also don’t want to guilt him into something he doesn’t want to do. And neither do I want to beg.
Does anyone else have a very sensitive spouse? How do you approach something that may sound like a criticism or open up dialogue about sex?
I understand your feelings in regards to this issue. This type of situation did occur in our relationship but my wife really didn't become defensive. I brought the topic up and like your spouse it was done a few times and I could tell she really wasn't into it. I did push a little more but I was pushing that fine line and didn't want resentment because of it. At this point she knows what action would fulfill my sexual bucket list. If down the road it happens I would die with the memory of it in my mind forever. If not my LOVE for her is the same. I might bring the topic up again in the future maybe around my birthday for a type of sexual birthday present. I'm not sure if I would, it would be a spur of the moment thing if all the stars are aligned. Go ahead and bring it up and discuss it. You ask the readers here so please ask him the 4 questions that you gave us for his answer and then you will know the details and can move forward in your relationship. GOD'S GRACE BE WITH YOU.
I can be very sensitive, especially toward criticism from my wife, and doubly so about sex.
But I still want to know what she wants sexually.
Some suggestions:
Outside the bedroom:
“You know, I really liked it when you used to ____. I think it would be fun to try it again, but maybe there was some reason you stopped doing that?”
Or try in the heat of sex:
“Mmm, this is so wonderful. I love the way you make me feel. You know what I think would feel really good right now?” Then whisper it seductively in his ear and describe it with the hottest language you can.
If he goes for it, then thank him afterwards. Tell him how awesome it was and ask him what he thought of it. If he says he enjoyed it, say, “mmm, it sounds like we both enjoyed it. I think we should add that into our regular rotation.” If he didn’t like it or is ambivalent, ask if there is anything you can do to make it better for him, or if there is some concern he has with it. And then make sure, that if it’s just his preference that you THANK him for serving you selflessly in that way. Ask how strong his preference is against it and depending on his answer, ask if he’d mind occasionally serving you this way again, if you ask for it? That way you have all the information you need to decide whether to ask for it again in the future.
If he doesn’t go for it, ask him about it outside of sex: “I noticed you didn’t want to do ___ the other night. I used to enjoy that. Did something change so you don’t want to do that anymore? Or is there something I can change so that you’d want to do it again?”
It has taken my wife and I twenty years to get to the point of mostly free conversations about sex. It shouldn’t have taken that long, but both of us were hesitant, defensive, etc. Here are some more tips that I learned over the years.
If you don’t already, make sure you are telling him regularly how thankful you are for him in what he does for you in sex. That you are totally content with him (without implying there’s nothing you could both do to improve your sex life). Starting from that base confidence will make a request easier to interpret properly, not as criticism.
Make a habit of being verbal during sex. During sex, describe what you are doing and going to do to him and what he’s going to do to you during sex. Then make frequent simple requests during sex as well. “Ohh I liked that. Can you do that more?” “Mmm I think it would be fun to switch to ___ position soon. You want to do that?”
It’s easy to offend with requests, especially if you never make requests. Because every request is now a BIG DEAL. (She must really hate what I’m doing if she’s willing to ask me to do something else.) And if you only make requests for things to change because you’re not liking some aspect of what he’s doing, then yeah, that can be demoralizing. But rather than simply coaching you on how to ask positively rather than negatively (which is common advice), my thinking is make requests common and thus very low pressure.
I’m out of time but perhaps I’ll be able to add more later. Hope this is helpful.
Wow newbyways! Very good advice!
We had a similar situation in our marriage. Specifically I love the way my wife gives me fellatio. But usually she’d rather not do it – even though she is amazing at it. Frequency of sex and oral sex was one of the only things we argued over. From what I’ve read now, we were already having more sex than most married couples of our age.
I feel bad about how I handled the disagreements. Finally we saw a sex therapist team. (a married couple who were both therapists specializing in marriage & sex) Between their assistance and research I did online my wife n I worked out a frequency of sex schedule and a deal for her to give me oral on holidays, birthdays, & our anniversary. Once in a while she will surprise me with a freebie. After 6 years, by mutual consent, we modified our sex frequency. (It’s every 3rd day now & we are both happy with that.) We DID compromise with each of us giving a little. This “deal” has greatly improved our sexual and marriage relationship! We are, of necessity, flexible on the schedule when medical appointments etc conflict with our schedule or/& “deal.”
Also, I was impressed with newbyway’s suggestions.
Seeing a marriage/sex therapist who is sexually positive and supportive of hot monogamy is important. But so is being grateful for what you DO have. The therapist told me once, “We are a married sex therapists. We LOVE sex! But we do it way less than you and your wife do!”
That helped me be more grateful for everything. Another personal therapist suggested that I make a sex journal where I write about Melody’s n my lovemaking. That REALLY helped me to feel grateful. Some of those entries were done in great detail and submitted as MH stories. (125 so far!)
I recently read that the bedroom should be a judgement free zone. That obviously doesn't mean you have to do or like what your spouse wants. But there has to be an openness between a married couple to at least openly talk about what you like, enjoy or dream about.
I believe if you can't do that it's often about our beliefs, upbringing and convictions that make us subconsciously judge already before we even thought about what our spouse said. And I believe we miss so many great opportunities to grow closer together because we're not willing to listen and maybe try what our spouse likes and hopes for.
Like I said before, we don't have to do it. But at least listen with a open mind and don't judge! Because then we get hurt and don't dare to open up again.
God bless you two!
You could try something that can be a nonthreatening way to talk about sex and desire. It’s an old idea, not original with me, but my wife and I used it before marriage – 2nd for both – to know each other sexually while staying pure, and to talk without fear of judgment. We revise this every year. It’s called various things, but I like the name Red, Yellow, Green. Turn a blank page sideways and draw two lines so there are three equal columns. You each have your own page. In the Red column you each put what you never want, it will never be good, don’t even ask. In the Green you put what you would always want and love, and you can do it or ask for these acts anytime. This is where you would put the thing you’ve written of. In the Yellow column are the things you’d like to try, you’re not sure if they would work for you both, they may sound better on paper than in real life, but you are always open to trying them a few times to see if they can move to Green. Here is where your fantasies and secret desires are written openly. They may sound strange now, but when you first heard about French kissing, or even sex, it was strange, even repulsive, but now they are beautiful. If we stick with what is safe and usual, we can get bored over time. You can tell him that you want to know his thoughts and desires so you can please him better. That way when he gives his desires, and you give yours, there is no threat or criticism.
Perfection is never a realistic expectations. Sex is not five-star every single outing. Kate and I have, in my opinion, a delightfully dirty and kinky sex life, but we still have vanilla quickies too. I have sporadic ED and sometimes I fail. I am disappointed when this happens and I know that bothers her, but as I've said to her I'm never going to accept disappointment with a smile in anything I do in life. It is what it is and I move on.
My recommendation is that you share that above concern with him and tell him you don't expect perfection. Some night and performances are better than others. Some are failures. Not to be too personal or explicit…but this is a sex story site… A few night ago, it was anal night (my favorite), but Kate was being (involuntarily) resistant, as in her sphincter didn't want to go along with our plans, and I was struggling to stay hard. I was stroking and stroking, trying to stay hard and, as I went to press into her for the umpteenth time, I blasted all over her rosebud before getting in, unexpectedly without any real warning. All we could do was laugh and laugh about it, and try again another time. There is no point in getting upset about any of it.
More specific to your interest in something your husband doesn't do much anyone, I'd suggest a three-part approach to the issue: (1) be honest and tell him you miss it (2) tell him you're looking to "spice up" things to another level (3) ask him what he would like to try or has always fantasized about. Of course, you have to be willing to "trade" or actually pick up the intensity. So, that advice is coming from the self-proclaimed "king of kink" and it may not work for you. I'm just thinking about how to diffuse tension in that topic. Best of luck with your way forward.
HelloNurse, thanks for the discussion.
I always love it when this community shares there knowledge, there is a lot here.
My sweetie and I are coming up on 41 years of marriage. There is no doubt we could write a book on our journey to discovering intimacy and making love.
One of my greatest lessons I have learned is that she comes first, in more ways than one. Like any guy I have many sexual desires, but when I began to serve my sweetie in the desires that she has it was only natural, that over time she wanted to serve me more.
My suggestion is that you set your desires aside for just a bit and ask your man what he wants. What would he like from you. How could you bring him greater pleasure. So instead of asking your husband to do something for you, try turning it around and asking what you can do for him.
This wont change things over night but I am pretty sure it will have a positive outcome.
HelloNurse you are on a journey, embrace it! Blessings
Thank you! There are some great ideas and starting points here!
Hubbie here: HN, an intriguing dilemma! Here’s a thought …
Your “presenting question” seems to be about the specific sex act, about doing it again, doing it more, about why he stopped, about if he wants to, etc. I think there’s a question behind the question* (or before it), and that is about how you both can communicate better, about anything, everything, including sex.
(* QBQ, The Question Behind the Question, by John Miller, is good book, and could help in your situation.)
The most fruitful discussion you could have may be a discussion about how to have discussions. And another good book, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team by Patrick Lencioni could also help. He theorizes that teams, people, can’t engage in fruitful debate (he calls it conflict) without trust. Is there a trust issue in your husband that stops him from engaging in productive dialogue with you, especially about sex?
Sorry for the books and “training”; I’m a consultant, it’s what I do!
Blessings and passion.
Yes, it was a multifaceted question. And thanks for the book recommendations! I’m a nerd by nature and a voracious reader. Your suggestions definitely speak to the underlying question. I’ll be sure to check them out! Thanks! And I would assume that my husband has some baggage from his family of origin and possibly a generalized difficulty with trust. He is, without a doubt, a perfectionist.
We have this problem to. I am 71 my wife 70 but still enjoying our intimate times. I have a high libido, hers is low. She went to her gynecologists for the first time and she said it was the testosterone treatments I am getting. My wife told her that I want it all the time, but the fact is, I do ask her often, but figure I am going to get rejected. Anyway, when I try and talk to her about sex, I have lately been saying "don't get mad but" and then bring up a sexual topic. It has usually been working for her. If I just bring up something sexual, she just rolls her eyes and goes on the defensive. I was able to get her to start reading the 6 Pillars of Intimacy by Alisa and Tony DiLorenzo which is really good and has about the pillar of sexual intimacy. Unfortunately, she has not gotten to that part yet. I would highly recommend this book to all of you married couples out there. She used to be open to any new things we wanted to try, but of late she does not want to try anything new. The whole issue of sex is very frustrating to say the least.