Still Healing
Hello everyone, I want to share my story of an event that changed my life forever and changed my view on sex and Christianity. I’m in my mid-20s now (in between a millennial and Gen Z), and this happened back when I was 18. In this post, I discuss love, healing, sex, and heartbreak.
My mind has fixated on an ex-boyfriend I had around six years ago when I was a freshman at a small Christian college.
One night, I met a boy whom I will refer to as “M.” He was a musician, Christian, quirky, funny, and so-so-so handsome. The moment I laid eyes on him, I HAD to get to know him, and we hit it off instantly. We spent a lot of time together, and he comforted me in some of my hardest moments that year. This continued for a few weeks; we spent more and more time together. I fell for him so hard.
In the beginning, it was so perfect. M really seemed to understand me, and we had so much chemistry. We also had similar upbringings, both Christians. He would often make me swoon with phrases like “You’re so beautiful,” “I just want to kiss you and touch you everywhere when I look into your gorgeous eyes,” “Your body is the perfect size and shape,” and “I want to make love to you until we’re both sore.” “You check all my boxes,” he’d tell me, and “I would date you if I could. You are everything that turns me on. I hope I end up with someone like you.” He had a way with words that made me feel so sexy and wanted, but at the same time, we loved talking about normal things like video games and movies too. But while his lips dripped honey, he stung me like a bee…
We had so much sexual chemistry instantly, and we were constantly flirting and talking about our desires with one another, but we would reiterate that we needed to wait for marriage to have sex. Still, though, I was always dropping hints that I wanted him to kiss me. When the day came that he finally did, I was on cloud 9. The next day, he dumped me over text, telling me I tempted him too much, that it was my fault, and that I never gave him space. I kept trying to get closure because of how much confusion I had over him dumping me and blaming me when he was constantly the one initiating sexual conversations.
However, there is more to this story.
Over the next few years of on-and-off talking, I came to find out that M, who claimed to be a strong Christ-follower, a leader in his church band, and a part of his church ministry, had been spreading harmful and disgusting rumors about me and got a lot of people to believe them. Sometimes, M would apologize to me and tell me he would stop spreading these rumors only to do so again later on.
In response to the mean things he was doing, I often lashed out at him and the group of friends who also spread these rumors about me. I often called them out in person or over messaging to try and get them to see the error of their ways and the lies being told. I hold a lot of blame for my own decisions to not ignore or turn the other cheek, but I was also an 18- to 20-year-old girl who had her heart badly broken. I just wanted this boy to stop being mean, realize how wrong he was, and see that I loved him unconditionally. My friends called me crazy, and many of them abandoned me because of these feelings I had and how much it took up of my thoughts, time, and energy. Was this all my fault?
I often ask God why I miss M so much. Was it because we had so much chemistry, or was he really the one? We both wanted the same things, and I fell for him harder than I had ever fallen for anyone in my entire life. I had never met a Christian guy who liked all the same things I did, who was just as sexually intuitive as I was but who also loved God and wanted to follow him. I’ve been in other relationships since then but never found the same level of attraction and contentment as he made me feel. In the few good moments we had, he was kind and caring, and it was hard to realize that this same person was so vindictive and hateful of me.
He knew so much of my dark past including abuse, anxiety, depression, and past heartbreak that I have struggled with throughout my life, yet he had no concern over ruining my reputation and college experience. He made me feel small and invaluable, and six years later, I continue to pray to the Lord that he allows me to forget him completely. I still cry over him and ask myself what I could have done to get him to want me back or to want to stay.
But the truth is, he hates me; he has made that clear. He took all the deeply personal things he knew about me from my dark past and used them against me. I am so worried I’ll never find another man to make me feel that way again, someone who loves Christ but also is sexually intuitive like I am.
It has been a hard six years, and I have been in therapy trying to unlearn all the harmful things I began to think about myself. I am still healing. I am still growing and trying not to lose hope that I will find someone like him without all the bad qualities, someone who checks all of my boxes.
If you made it this far, thank you for reading, and thank you for being a safe space for me to share my story.
sweetsugarspice, I am a minister's daughter. Though I am not a minister or counselor, I have been around many people with stories similar to you. The way he treated you, I would set up a clear boundary in my heart to not welcome him into my future thoughts (maybe easier said than done). This former boyfriend's faith has not surrendered to love yet. Club Girlie singles want men who know how to love, and we will love them back in ways that will blow their minds and other body parts.
Thank you ❤️ “empowered women empower women!”
Hey thank you so much for sharing!
I'm very sorry you had to experience all this. Love can hurt a great deal. But as a person who has been hurt also, I want to say this. First, good that you're in therapy. That's not a weakness, that's courageous! And also let me say this, there are great Christian men out there. It may take time. But I wish you will meet him. The one doesn't exist by the way. Just many good guys. Choose him well, take time to get to know him and then learn to love him despite his failures. Make sure he loves you the same before you get married.
You're a great person and I pray for healing of your past and that you can look into a bright and happy future!
I went through that valley. It's not pleasant I know. It'll take time. But over time it gets easier to let go of the hurtful moments.
Take what's good advice for you, forget the rest…
Jesus loves you!
Thank you so much for the kind encouraging words 🙂
Still Healing,
Although my experience of rejection us not the same as your, I can relate to your story from a rejection point of view and the pain that comes from that rejection from someone you loved It is good that you are in therapy and I suspect the therapist is providing therapy that is based on a Christian foundation. My heart goes out to you because I know the pain of rejection. I will pray for you. My spirit is moved to share and I hope that my words are an encouragement. Please take my comments as encouragement and not judgement.
I would encourage you in this way. Your feelings are certainly valid, but remember the enemy is the great deceiver. When you “hear” of feel that your will never find another as good as M, you are responsible for M’s rejection, or that God is not good because you do not understand why this has happened, these are thoughts from the enemy. As much as we see in our world, remember the real battle is in the Spiritual realm (Ephesians 6:12). The enemy wants to hold you back from God’s plan and purposes for your life. Please do not think I am judging you in any way, I am sure you are fighting the good fight. I am only reminding you that the enemy wants to hold in bondage to this past hurt. God wants the opposite!
I would encourage you to let go of what you think your soulmate should be and embrace what God might have for you. As difficult as it may be hold on a remember his plans and timings are best. Despite the good qualities you saw in M, he was not a good or godly man. No godly man would do what he did to you nor would he still hate you. Run from M and his memory. God wants better for you.
You will never be able to forget M, but you can, with God’s help, be set free from the hurt of that memory! Our church has a nationally based program called Celebrate Recovery. One element of that program is to help people who have suffered rejection. You might consider finding a program like that which is Christian based. In my experience it is very helpful to find a group of believers who have faced similar rejection or other bad experiences in their lives. Of course, it is also great you are seeking help in therapy.
As an encouragement and not that you do not already know:
You are beautiful (Ps 45:11); You are unique (Ps 131:13); You are loved (Jer 31:3); You are precious (1 Cor 6:20); You are strong (Eph 3:17-19); You are adored (Jer 103:12); You are forgiven (2 Cor 5:17); You are a new creation (2 Cor 5:17); You are protected (Ps 121:3); You are empowered (Phil 4:13); You are chosen (Jn 15:16); You are family (Eph 2:19); You are mine (Is 43;1)
I pray for His patience and peace for you. In faith, I know he can redeem your past!
I apologize to this community if my comment seems like preaching. My heart just responded to this story of rejection and hurt and I am sharing in faith that He will use my words to provide truth and encouragement.
These are such wise words, I will take what you said to heart. I was moved by the “let go of who you think your soulmate should be and what God has for me.” These words are not preachy, they are so encouraging for me. My therapist is Christian but also somewhat liberal so we connect really well. My church has celebrate recovery! I went for a little bit when dealing with some other mental health issues. I’m now two years clean from self harm!
Clearly you loved him, given the strong sentiments all these years later, but he did not love you or have the same kind of love, at a minimum. He was NOT a good man, worthy of you, plain and simple. In all likelihood, hard as it might be for your emotions to accept it, you dodged a bullet when this fell apart.
Christian men are still men. I think you're overthinking how difficult it might be to find a Godly man that has a healthy attitude towards sex. I don't know your inclinations. I'm probably the freakiest and nastiest (in all good ways, IMO) man in the MH community, I suspect. I got more than a little lucky with my wife, to say the least. That all said, as a fellow Christian college alumn, believe when I say that there are way more "ready and willing" than repressed and hesitant guys in your general age range. However, the latter does exist, and you need to have open and honest conversations. Don't apologize for what you desire or sell yourself short either. Wishing to fully enjoy God's gift of marital bliss is a beautiful thing and nothing to question and feel ashamed of.
Hey thanks for sharing. I’m really sorry you want through all that. I hope you are able to let him go. I am also struggling getting over someone right now.
It’s helpful to pray for my future wife. I have a lot of “I don’t know, but I know you know” prayers.
Just keep taking it one day at a time and I hope things get easier with time.
I hope you find healing as well 🙂
My heart goes out in compassion to you, sweetsugarspice! I pray that the Lord heals and rejuvenates your mind and spirit and takes away the pain of those hurtful events. I've never experienced anything like that (I've never been in a relationship, period), so I can't fully empathize. Yet I can guess that being so betrayed really broke you. I'm so sorry that happened. To repeat what others here said, M is not a true Godly man, not if he is cruel and slanderous. You need feel no guilt in closing that chapter and putting him out of your thoughts and heart. That's hard to do, but if you are meant to marry, God has someone much better for you. You can show Christian love and forgiveness to M, but don't give your romantic love to him anymore. A true man of God will honor you, protect you, guide you respectfully in sexual matters, and love you selflessly. Wait for that guy. I am trying to do the same. We gals can uplift and pray for each other on this journey. God bless you!
Thank you for the sweet encouraging words triple L!
I’m sorry sweetsugarspice. It’s hard to understand how some people can be so hurtful and why God sometimes allows these things in our life. I pray that you continue to heal.
Thank you, it’s been on my mind a lot this week, but I really want to heal
SSS I'm sorry this happened to you. I have been through something somewhat similar and I don't know that I can add much except that I think you have/are doing the right thing in taking care of your heart at this time. I also think that there is the real person who you interacted with and the perfect view of him that you've built up in your head, and it can be extremely disorienting/painful having those two clash so dramatically.
In my case I have no doubt that this girl I liked was/is actively slandering me, yet I can also see how my actions contributed to this and it makes me feel so guilty and ashamed. Not necessarily because I did anything wrong, but merely because of her reaction. Also looking at it from her perspective with the limited information she has I don't know that I can blame her for the way she's behaving; I do wonder though, how much I can be expected to accept responsibility for another person's emotions.
So I hope that you can be encouraged moving forward, not dwelling on whatever mistakes are in the past or worrying about what might/not happen in the future. Sometimes the isolation is God's way of getting us to turn our focus back to Him. It's a hard lesson that I'm in the process of learning myself.
I totally understand what you’re saying. I also feel like maybe he could have just interpreted things wrong based on my reactions and how he may have not had all the information. But still, it wasn’t fair for M to hurt me in this way and slander me.
No indeed! But also:
–I don't need to seek approval from the world. God's approval is all I need–
So says the Godly belief. I don't really believe it yet, but I keep reading it out loud hoping that one day I will.
Yeah I definitely can relate to that. I feel like I’m abnormal for still wondering what could have been. It’s hard to move on from.
I hope you find healing in your situation too, it sounds pretty similar.
I’m really sorry this happened. I had experienced a similar situation where others in my church had spread gossip about me. It’s even worse that he broke up with you and then spread rumors about you after – as if breaking up with you wasn’t bad enough. It also bothers me that your fellow church members received the gossip and helped spread it. “M” (unless he’s now grown out of these character flaws) has serious red flags. I think he did have remorse for being (emotionally) intimate and sexual with you but, instead of taking responsibility for his own actions, he blamed you for all of it. A real man will talk through these things and work through these issues. It doesn’t necessarily mean that it was morally wrong for him to break up with you but, in a way, he really betrayed your trust and slandered your character making the breakup so much worse.
I really wish you the best because you seem like the type of person who will be a great spouse. I’ve experienced similar betrayal and I seemed to never get over them either. Strangely enough, when I met my wife, the issues I had never gotten over disappeared.