Desperate for spiritual help
My husband and I have been married for 5+ years. To my knowledge marriage has its ups and downs. We’ve had highs and recently were just in a funk of less intimacy and financial struggles. (Working a business with family, stress around the holidays, etc) I believed I married a Godly man who was simply quiet about his faith.
He was recently arrested and would not tell me what was happening. I eventually found the warrants for his arrest, and found 10+ charges of inappropriate communication with minors (pictures, etc). There were no physical relations.
My life has been flipped upside down. I know my calling is to “teach” and my career is what God has put me on this earth to do. I work with children and this “secret” has traumatized me. I have a wonderful support system in every aspect of my life-family & work. As clear as the Bible is about my options and the many opinions of others encouraging me to leave… I am so broken as to how I will ever trust anyone again.I loved being a wife and sharing my life with someone I loved.
There are sadly NO podcasts, sermons, or books (that I can find) that fit my specific situation. There are plenty of resources for affairs- just not with minors. I have already forgiven him because I do love my husband and know God commands us to forgive. But I cannot reconcile our marriage. This event has made me feel ugly and has made me believe I am only likable because I look young but not young enough.
please share if you have been in this situation and what helped you. I am seeking counseling, still attending my church. Obviously reading my bible and praying. Or any information/resources that would help me navigate this grief, confusion, hurt, and neglect.
I am so sorry to hear this. I have been a part of a group run by Pure Desire ministries for a few years now. I stayed away from even here for a long time because even reading these stories would be considered wrong by most in the group. There is also a ministry called Pure Life. They probably would be an amazing fit. They focus on both the husband and wife and the addiction to porn/sex and the devastating effects on the wife.
This is horrible to hear. So, so sorry for your situation. I don't have any professional advice or resources I can point to. Only a couple of thoughts come to mind.
First, if you don't mind my asking, how minor are we talking about? While nothing excuses the behavior of your husband, there is a difference between finding a 16 year-old attractive and, say, a nine-year old. Most would say those with a fixation on the latter cannot be rehabilitated. With God, all things are possible, but you must be guarded and realistic. Second, I have to assume you have confronted him by now, but you didn't say what his reaction or excuses were. I am curious on that one. Finally, what do you want going forward? I have a very high threshold for divorce, personally, and don't know how I would move forward in your shoes. It sounds like you want to divorce, based on your comment about not being able to reconcile your marriage. I sense that you don't have any children. If you are indeed done, you could sever ties with this man and have a lot less connections or considerations for your future than if you did have children together. I do not mean to come off as cold at all, but this is his issue and moral failing, entirely. You do not need to second guess what you could have done or anything. The only counseling you need is advice on moving forward by yourself, if you are in fact done with the marriage, but there is no lesson to be learned for your own sake. You were hoodwinked by someone that had an inner demon he hid well, apparently. Again, not to be dismissive, but if that is your chosen course of action, pull the trigger and be done, for your own sake. The only thing you might want to discuss is red flags, warning signs for any future relationships, but you did nothing wrong on this matter.
I am so very sorry. It’s only natural for you to lament “not being young enough” in an effort to find some reason for your husbands betrayal, but this is not your fault. This is not your sin.
It sounds like you are doing all the right things. you definitely need to meet with a therapist/counselor. Your pastor SHOULD be able to help you but I’ve found that whether your church is in a small town or large city and whether your congregation is big or small sometimes makes a difference in how equipped church leadership is for this type of counseling. I’m glad you have strong family support. If you begin talking with a therapist and he just isn’t helping, it is ok to change to someone else.
You obviously have a heart for children which makes his sin that much harder for you. But, if I may suggest, not to dwell on the nitty gritty details of his sin right now. I don’t know of any specific books or things for this exact situation. However, the root of this is sexual betrayal. Until you can find a counselor, I would suggest focusing on that. He was secretive and wasn’t loyal to you sexually. Please don’t misunderstand me. The details do matter. But it will require a good therapist to delve into your specific situation. In the mean time, I think you can find some help looking at books with the general theme of infidelity.
Again, I’m so sorry. I hope you can feel God drawing you closer to Himself during this time.
Hi Joan01,
While I don’t have any specifically related experience, my heart breaks for your situation, and I do want to offer some advice.
1. Everything you are currently doing is right. It will be very difficult to find sermons dealing with this, but counseling by a trained professional is essential. It may also be possible to find a support group where you can share in a safe place. Your trauma very specific and you must allow yourself to work through it at your pace. There are stages of emotions that come with grief and betrayal, and you need to allow yourself to feel all of them.
2. You are a daughter of The King. You are beloved. You are called, and you are chosen.
3. No part of this is your fault. There is no action, inaction, personal trait, characteristic, or behavior of yours that caused this.
4. Look for sermons and podcasts dealing with hurt or betrayal. They may not be specific to your situation, but the principles may still apply.
5. Healing from this will take time. You need to focus on you for a while. I’m not suggesting that you drop everything, but I am suggesting that you find something that’s just for you.
6. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”
My heart grieves for what us men do to ourselves – and others. I say "us" reluctantly, but have to, if only in a similar sense that Daniel prayed for Israel, saying "we have sinned". All of us have a part to play in restoration, and share the consequences of doing nothing about it.
I am otherwise at a loss for words, and deeply sorry for what you're enduring… but I will definitely be praying, for you and everyone else I know, including on here, who are experiencing trouble of any kind. As well as rejoicing with those who rejoice – as I believe you will, somehow. God be with you, sister.
Joan01,
This is heartbreaking! I am lifting you up in prayer.
I have known one person (husband) that I later learned was a pedophile. From that experience, I would just say several things:
1) You have done nothing wrong. This is all on your husband. Your emotional reactions are justified. How you are feeling is normal.
2) His behavior is that of a pedophile. He may not have reached the point of physical acts, but he was grooming these children. This isn’t like an affair. His actions are sinful acts focused on children. As I understand it, Pedophilia has been studied for years and there is nothing in the academic literature that indicates pedophilia goes away. The sad reality is that pedophilia is lifelong.
3) Pedophilia is not a marriage problem. You are not a pedophile. Your husband is. To the extent he has broken the law, he deserves to be punished in accordance with the law. He needs to seek help for his problem. You are in no way responsible for his actions!
3) The Bible states that God hates divorce, but even Jesus recognizes exceptions for sexual immorality, Matthew 19:9. Your husband has broken the marriage, not you. In Matthew 18:6, Jesus warns of the consequences for harming a child. Your husband steps were already doing just that. I am not saying you must divorce your husband, but neither should you feel any pressure to stay under these conditions. You need to work this out on your own and it is a great first step to seek counseling. He has destroyed the trust in your marriage, not you. You should feel no pressure to stay. The decision to stay in your marriage, or not, is entirely yours to make and I encourage you to seek His will.
4) Pedophiles are highly skilled at being manipulators. They use this skill to groom children and then physically harm them. Sex offenders do not think like normal people on so many levels. Decent people project their own honesty, reliability, reasonableness, sound judgment, and kindness on others, including on sex offenders. Normal people, even pastors and counselors, can get deceived by sex offenders’ trickery because they want to believe the best of others. The fact that he did this in secret is proof he is a good manipulator.
I encourage you to walk this out in faith knowing that He can sustain you.
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” (Pro 3:5-6)
I think he has committed an abomination. This type of evil is so profound that you should not be expected to remain in this marriage.
You are not the problem. He is a sick evil person. Woe unto those who would lead a child astray. Woe unto him.
Wife is a therapist and is not on MH.
Contact your local domestic violence services. They will help you get help.
Immediately go into Mother protection mode and don’t allow husband with you or kids. Restraining order is probably necessary.
Get good professional therapist.
Understand that your marriage is likely over.
Here’s a link to a related resource and this organization may be able to help
https://baremarriage.com/2024/01/focus-on-the-familys-scary-stance-about-men-jailed-for-domestic-violence/
We don't typically include submitted links in comments, but we think the work of Sheila Wray Gregoire is important in the Christian Sexual Wellness field, and perhaps her article here can help.
Oh man, I am so sorry this has happened to you! I have heard stories where the husband was involved with a minor/minors. I can only reiterate what everyone else here has said. You are not in the wrong. Any kind of inappropriate action towards children is sin and must be dealt with. Because he was not faithful to you, he has opened the door for you to leave. That must sound so painful and I hate saying it. Keep yourself surrounded with Godly people and fill up on the Word of God. I'll be praying for you. And I mean it when I say that. I've tried to get into the habit of immediately praying silently the moment I say that to someone. God guide and comfort you, sister!
Joan01 – My heart grieves for you. The advice you are getting in the comments here is spot on. You are not at fault – don't blame yourself. Since it is not your fault, you cannot fix it. He is an addict. If he will ever be cured of his addiction, with God's help he must do it himself.
Your responsibility is to take care of Joan. HelloNurse's advice for you to "meet with a therapist/counselor", is wise. I would only add for you choose an older trained Christian counselor who has had success dealing with spouses of addicts and surround yourself with a church of Godly men and women who can support you.
I was saddened to read of your situation, but know that you are not alone, facing this.
Every pedophile impacts the life of those in his life: spouse, children, friends, family, co-workers, neighbors..the list of those affected increases as relationships extend to others. You do need prayer and support. A support group will help you learn to cope. Having no direct experience, while I was in school working for my degree, I was required to attend a session of a support group for pedophiles. I learned that those involved in this behavior ( almost everyone) were a victim as a child. Those molested become the molesters. Not an excuse for the behavior, just something I didn't know prior to attending the group. I was thankful that I had to attend only one group, as though all present were themselves victims, I found it hard to have any sympathy for them, even less for their behavior. Find a good counselor, and then a support group. The counselor should be able to help with this. Prayers to you for emotional healing..& remember, you are not responsible for his behavior.
Damn, this is super tough. My heart hurts for you. I divorced from my wife last year, and she had pointed a knife at me a few times and would laugh, pretend to slit my throat in bed, joke about killing me. Anyway, that’s all I’ll mention, haha, pretty crazy. But she had OCD, which complicated things, and I felt like I couldn’t say anything. I’ve forgiven her. but I’ve tried dating a few times, and let me tell you, the ANXIETY is insane. You need to be careful in this season in your life & make sure you’re setting some serious boundaries. You’re going to feel lonely, agonizing loneliness, even if you have family or friends all around you, and that’ll make it worse. Cuz you don’t know why you feel so desperate & hollow & like there’s a black hole inside you some days…
Maybe you haven’t hit that point yet. I hope you don’t. But I’ve also been unemployed for a long time for other reasons, so you can imagine my life came crumbling down with nothing else to lean on. The one place I looked to for that deep intimacy and trust and hope and love and connection, where I had always dreamed of a Disney romance turned out to be a BIG! FREAKING! LIE! excuse the extra drama, haha.
But you’re going to need to get a darker sense of humour. Comedians have gone through serious cow dung, so try making darker jokes.
Also, your view of God is going to need to turn on the nitro boost; actually, to be honest… you might need to totally scrap that man-made, versed up, hobbled and rusted statue of God you have right now. You need to see god as the best possible father ever, ever, ever. You need to start calling him nicknames like “pops,” okay? Why? Because your trust in the most vulnerable relationship possible has been nuked, and there is radiation in the air. You need a father who is the most gentle, down to earth, ever present, tender, softhearted but strong and fierce and will protect you from everything no matter the cost, even if the cost is his life. Thankfully Jesus and the Father loved us to death, literally, and now we are seated with him in the high places.
If I sound a bit cracked, it’s because I am. But that’s what happens; it’s kintsugi. Jesus kept scars and ditched the PTSD, so we can too! If you want more healing, you’re going to have to break the dams around your heart in the lap of the father. And he has to be a father you know you can absolutely trust no matter. Which means you’re gonna have to sift through some crappy doctrines and flush them down the toilet. And then you’ll realize, he knows.
Oh, and when you can’t sleep at night, then imagine your head as a lamb in the lap of the shepherd on a quiet and peaceful night.
Joan01
Praying for you & your husband. This breaks my heart. Most assuredly it breaks God's heart. Devastation does not begin describe this hurt.
I would seek out Focus On The Family. Dr. Dobson & his ministry has been around for decades. He used to guest on the Phil Donahue Show back in the day. So, I imagine they have heard your story, or something in the same vein. From what I have read on their site they can call you. They can help you find local help, & resources, as well. Hope this helps.
Your husband did not do this because of you. The person he is formed way before you knew him. It was there no matter who you are, or who he married.
Biblical divorce is allowed, remarriage you may have to work that out with God. I'll support you, either way.
Take your time. Breathe. Satan wants to get his teeth into you & your husband. Jesus has a way, truth, & life right there where you are at. That is God's joy, when we walk through it with Him. Don't panic. God is there. His Spirit within is interceding now, as we speak.
There is a whole Bible of instruction. Next steps. The beatitudes, Revelation, Psalms, Proverbs. This is where the rubber meets the road. Biblically, you can divorce, but biblically you don't have to. I'll support either way.
As I tell my kids. I don't care what you do, as long as you follow God there. Wait on the Lord. Work on your life before Him, in the waiting. Seek to be a better disciple. Seek a deeper richer relationship with the true Groom that never fails or betrays. He is bigger than that. He is more wonderful than you know. He is at rest when we think we will drown. Walk with Him & talk with Him. Rest with Him there. He will listen. Then wait for His answer. He will light it up.
Psalms 80:17-19 (ESV) 17 But let your hand be on the man of your right hand, the son of man whom you have made strong for yourself! 18 Then we shall not turn back from you; give us life, and we will call upon your name! 19 Restore us, O LORD God of hosts! Let your face shine, that we may be saved!