The Sexpedition (A)
(A) – This story contains mentions of anal play.
Poiema here, taking a break from the tale of Eden Oasis and its misfit lovers to share the true account of my recent expedition—or sexpedition, if you will—to a local sex toy store.
In stark capital letters, the sign on the front door commanded, “Do not enter if you are under 18.” I was under eighteen once, long ago: a distant age, blurred by the mists of time. I was then a weird, scruffy kid, but no more! I am now a weird, scruffy adult.
I stepped inside.
The soft lighting and red carpet gave the store an oddly classy atmosphere, like a posh nightclub or theater lobby. I was probably redder than the carpet; I could feel myself blushing, raising the ambient temperature by at least four or five degrees. I felt nervous and excited, self-conscious and uncertain, yet determined to explore.
To my left were shelves and racks of lingerie. To my right were panties made of candy, which I’m sure violated all kinds of health and safety regulations. (Pro tip: If your server at a restaurant carries your order in their underwear, or wears your order like underwear, consider eating somewhere else.) I didn’t need women’s underwear, edible or otherwise, so I ventured forward.
I couldn’t help but notice the plush toy standing proudly in the window. It was an erect penis, roughly four feet tall, complete with testicles—and it was smiling at me. I didn’t smile back.
I don’t know whether you’ve ever seen a real-life penis, dear reader. As the proud owner of one, I can affirm with absolute confidence that penises don’t typically have faces, smiling or otherwise. Mine doesn’t, at any rate. (Pro tip: Never trust a penis with a face.) If your husband’s penis or your own penis ever smiles at you, please seek immediate medical help.
Keeping clear of the perilous penis plush, I poked around the racks and shelves in the back of the store. Here was an aisle of skeevy-looking pornography. I gave it a miss. There was a rack of monstrous, rubbery dildos in the shape of veined erections. I’ve never seen the Incredible Hulk naked and aroused—he has the decency to wear pants even in the throes of unbridled fury—but his erection probably looks something like one of those dildos.
Another rack held an assortment of masturbation sleeves. I gave them no more than a glance. My past experiences with sleeves are mixed: they offer amazing sensations, but are an appalling nuisance to clean and maintain. After an ecstatic and exhausting orgasm, the last thing I want to do is to wash out, dry, powder, and put away a container slimed by lube and smelly semen.
Besides, realistic-looking masturbation sleeves kind of creep me out. It’s jarring to see someone’s lady bits poking out of a flashlight or Pringles can.
“Finding everything you’re looking for?” asked the sales clerk. She was a young lady with dark, rainbow-streaked hair in an undercut, and some serious “cool big sister” vibes.
“Just looking around, thank you,” I said.
I backtracked to the lube shelf. There were so many brands of lube. Apart from basic ingredients, e.g. water-based or silicone-based, what’s the difference? How many ways are there to make someone’s bits all slippey-slidey? I was intrigued by a little bottle of tingly lube, and snagged it from the shelf.
“Excuse me,” I said to the rainbow-haired sales clerk. “Do you have any non-lubricated condoms?”
“Hmm, I don’t think so. Do you have a lube allergy?”
“No. They’re for masturbation, so that I, you know, don’t make a mess.”
She nodded, basking in the warmth of my fiercely blushing face. It felt awkward to discuss my masturbation preferences with someone, and yet… it felt nice.
It felt comfortable.
I could be open about my sexuality, this inescapable and inexpressible part of myself, with someone who understood, who wasn’t disgusted, who wouldn’t judge. I felt validated, accepted, welcomed.
It was a bit like Marriage Heat, actually.
I picked out a three-pack of Trojan condoms to try. Judging by their price, I can only assume Trojan condoms are in fact recovered from the ruins of Troy: priceless artifacts, used by the Trojan warriors themselves. Why else would they cost so much?
“Do you have any glass toys?” I asked the nice rainbow-haired lady.
She led me across the store to a slim rack with a couple of butt plugs and an elegant glass dildo. A blue-tinted ridge ran up the shaft like the swirl on a candy cane. I nabbed it.
Long ago, you see, I resolved to enjoy my sexuality as fully as I may as an unmarried follower of Christ. I didn’t want to overstep the boundaries God set for my sexuality. Within those boundaries, however, I wanted to explore my sexuality as completely as possible. This led me to experiment with different kinds of sex toys over the years.
Some of these didn’t work out for me. Earlier, I mentioned my dissatisfaction with masturbation sleeves. Prostate massagers were uncomfortably pokey. A faint stink lingered on silicone toys no matter how well I washed them, and a vibrating cock ring didn’t offer the stimulation I wanted.
I did find a few favorites. Small vibrators feel wonderful beneath the head of my penis: a tickle to coax out electric spurts of semen. Glass butt plugs stretch my anus deliciously, impart a comfortable fullness, and even tease my inmost parts. With a mirror, I can look inside myself through the plug, which is pretty hot. Glass toys clean up wonderfully, too.
It was time for something new. I wanted to feel the thrusting penetration of an anal dildo. (I’m not same-sex attracted, by the way—just horny and curious.) This was my opportunity: an elegant glass erection, and it didn’t even have a creepy, smiling face.
I picked up a cute little vibrator and concluded my shopping. The nice rainbow-haired lady packed up my toys, and I stepped out into the searing summer heat. Oddly enough, my face no longer felt hot. My blush was gone. I felt a bit shaky, but as I pulled out of the parking lot and turned homeward, I felt unexpectedly at ease.
I was going to end there, but I have a feeling readers might wonder whether I enjoyed my new toys, so I’ll leave you with a few brief updates.
The condoms proved perfect for containing the mess of masturbation. A few days after visiting the sex toy shop, I ordered a bunch of cheap, non-lubricated, non-Trojan condoms from the Internet. Simply putting on a condom feels erotic, and I love the comfort of pleasuring myself without worrying about the mess.
I haven’t tried the tingling lube yet. It will tingle, probably.
The vibrator offers no surprises, and that’s okay. It’s a backup for when my current vibe goes the way of all flesh.
I’ve screwed myself just once or twice with the dildo. It’s messier than I’d like. Even when my bowels are empty, the thrusting penetration coaxes out icky brown dribbles that make me feel dirty (and not in a hot, sexy sort of way). Plugs often pop out with a bit of a mess, but that’s much easier to contain and clean than the intermittent slurry of a long session with the dildo. (I’ve used an improvised anal douche to clear out my system, but it wasn’t worth the bother.) I may come around to enjoying the dildo. Even if I don’t, I’m glad I tried it.
My grand sexpedition was a rewarding experience. Apart from the thrill of exploring—sexploring?—the store, I was touched to find myself in a place where I could be open about masturbation and sexuality. It was like Marriage Heat itself, and that’s pretty neat.
It’s really rare to experience in-person acceptance of sexuality. I’m very glad that it was liberating for you.
The experience managed to be reassuringly comfortable and awkwardly uncomfortable at the same time.
Poiema, your writing style is delightful. For a moment, I thought your pen name is that of Garrison Keillor’s!
Thank you for your kind compliment!
Interesting, I've tried out a dildo recently and found the experience underwhelming, especially compared to the Aneros. If nothing else it gives me an idea just how much women have to contort their bodies to fuck themselves! Of course they're more flexible to begin with… 😉 But you're definitely right about lube getting everywhere, and once that happens I can't think about anything beyond how much I want to wash my hands, so it was a bit of a waste for me. If I get anything else like that it will probably be the Njoy Pure Wand, as it looks plenty long and helpfully curved! They are actually on sale right now so I might just have to get myself a Christmas present…
Your sex toy woes sound like reasons I've stayed away from certain products in the past! I never bought a fleshlight or things of that sort, though I did find the Tenga flip hole to be enjoyable and easy to clean. And I'm a big fan of Aneros, of course they have silicone massagers but also ABS plastic ones if the smell really bothers you that much. Aneros also makes a really handy enema bulb that I use on occasion to help clean things out. But, if you're having trouble cleaning before an anal session, have you considered fiber supplements? I take Pure for Men every morning and it really helps be ready for a session; as long as I'm not eating a lot of things like peanut butter and mashed potatoes, having a bowel movement takes care of pretty much everything, and then it's just about lubing up. It might be worth looking into!
Thanks for the suggestions! I did try a plastic Aneros massager years ago, but I found it a little too pokey for comfort.
I love your humor in describing things.
Penises with faces…😂 What a great story of self-exploration! Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for reading!
It’s amazing that a sex shop is one of the only places where we can talk about intimate sex life details and not be judged.
Concerning strokers/vibrators- My wife gave me a Hello Cake vibrating stroker a couple of years ago and it’s easy to clean and very easy to use. It’s open on one side so you can squeeze it to fit your shaft.
Until l I got this I couldn’t stand the feel of a vibrator on my erection. But this one’s a game changer! The little vibrator slides into the Stroker. When I’m stroking myself with the vibe on it feels a lot like my dick feels surrounded by my Melody’s pussy when I’m inside her n she’s using a vibe in her clit. On days we don’t have full sex my wife stimulates my nipples and balls as I stroke my cock to awesome orgasms with this toy. !
I should add thank you for your insightful & humorous post. You are terribly witty!
Thank you so much for your encouraging words, and for your toy recommendation above. You are very kind!
I've enjoyed anal toys. One of the comments here was that they were "underwhelming." I found that to be true too, but I kept the toys and kept trying them and the more I played with them, the more I learned to appreciate the feeling of being filled and stretched, and the more I became comfortable with relaxing and enjoying without too much of a preconceived expectation, the more I enjoyed them. Over time, I came to appreciate the feelings. However, as I age, I realize someone is going to have to discover and dispose of such a stash, and I've got rid of them, although I can say I miss them. I had a butt plug and a prostate massager, similar to Aneros.