Vulnerable Conversation with Wife
Hello all, I have been a reader of the stories for a while now, but just today created an account to kind of get some feedback on an intimate conversation I had with my wife.
We have been married for close to 20 years and are in our early 40s. We were both raised in extremely fundamentalist homes where there was no sex education except to preach against how horrible masturbation is. We did have sex prior to being married, but we have only ever been with each other.
We have sex twice a week pretty consistently. I am pretty regular at masturbating, but she says she is not. I have been feeling an extremely high sex drive lately.
I wanted to discuss with her my feelings and apologize for some of the attitudes I have displayed in the past when I was a younger man and inexperienced in women’s emotional needs. We had a very frank and open conversation about how she really more so enjoys planned sex, when she doesn’t have other things in life on her mind. But she would have sex if I asked, because she loves me and I am a caring and faithful husband.
We talked about the differences between men and women, and she said that she finds it hard to believe how often men think about sex, and that she rarely thinks about it. That kind of surprised me. I guess in my mind, I expected that she was thinking about and looking forward to our regular sex as much as I do.
We talked about how I’ve made her feel uncomfortable over oral sex in the past, because I desire to go down on her and she finds it uncomfortable. In the past I thought maybe she was just not giving it a chance, but last night she explained it makes her whole body feel like some type of trauma response, and she doesn’t know why.
We also discussed the time I asked to take nude pics of her. She did it because she loves me, but it turns out that it did make her feel a bit awkward and exposed. I offered to delete them, but she said no, that she didn’t mind me having them. She has voluntarily sent me more tasteful ones before.
Sorry if I am rambling, I just left the conversation feeling better in some ways, but I’m also in my head now, with questions like “Does she even like sex?” She orgasms every time and I know it’s not fake or anything. She’s the one that initiates it during our planned times. But now I’m over here thinking, am I a burden to her? Am I wrong for masturbating during our down times and looking at her pictures? Is it selfish for me to initiate sex when it’s not planned, knowing she’s pretty much just doing it for me?
I’m just kind of all in my head about it right now for some reason, and I know I may not be making a lot of sense. Thanks for any input you might have to give.
Hi Jerikj, and welcome to MH!
I’d like to say that I think you actually have quite a bit going for you. The fact that you could have such an open an honest conversation with your wife is just wonderful. There are many, many marriages where this is just not possible.
Also, having consistent sex twice a week may not be as much as you want, but it’s pretty good. It’s also pretty amazing that she is the one who initiates.
What I’m saying is, I think you have a good foundation. To move forward, you just need to keep having these conversations with your wife. The growth will likely come slowly, but that’s good because it will produce some lasting changes.
As far as masturbating to pictures of your wife? That’s textbook my friend. Keep it going.
👍agreed.👍
It sounds like you two keep a sex schedule. That was very helpful for us. I can relate to so much of your post. I’ll try to give you my take n I hope my views will be helpful.
It’s ok to have different levels of libido. We manage it by my wife helping me as I masturbate to orgasm on off days. And we usually have full sex every third day. This has really worked for us. Your wife does certain sexual things to please you. That says she truly loves you.
My wife doesn’t care much for giving me fellatio but she loves me n knows how much I enjoy it. So we negotiated a deal where she gives me oral on holidays, birthdays, & Anniversary. Sometimes she’ll surprise me with extra blow jobs. It means even more to me that she does this out of love. That being said, she has gotten very good at giving me oral. She takes pride in her skill and in my reaction to her oral ministrations. And it’s obvious that sometimes she DOES enjoy it.
My wife can get very horny and have a week or a few days where she wants it every day – sometimes twice a day. Other times we just stick to the schedule.
Like your wife, my Melody is orgasmic nearly every time we make love. But usually she’s not ready for sex on a daily basis. That is ok. We must learn to be grateful for the blessings that we have.
Your wife is clearly in love with you and enjoys making love to and with you. That is a great blessing to have. Sex may not be as important to her as it is to you. But sex is still important to her. And clearly SHE is deeply in love with you.
So, try to not worry about this desire discrepancy. Some spouses refuse to try to meet their spouse’s sexual needs and that is not your problem. That’s not my problem either.
First of all, I don't think you are being selfish. I think where you are struggling is that a man needs to know more than anything that he is bringing his wife pleasure. Yes, sexual intercourse is a very satisfying physical release. But it is also very emotional for a man as well.
As a man in a sexless marriage, I envy that you are able to have an honest discussion about sex with your wife. I would encourage you to dig deeper and see if she will share with you what brings her the greatest pleasure during your lovemaking. Knowing that will allow you to know how to strive to fulfill her deepest needs, and in turn bring you tremendous satisfaction.
Hello, Have you thought about suggesting adding in another night of sex so it's 3 times a week so then you don't have to masturbate. Maybe you could visit a sex Therapist.
I'm similar with my wife, she doesn't like dirty talk or even dressing up in lingerie for me which is frustrating.
Good for you two for communicating openly! That's a major thing that many couples don't do enough, so you're on a great track just by talking about it like you are!
First, I think it would be valuable to touch on the concept of spontaneous versus responsive sexual desire. Some people have spontaneous desire, and some have responsive desire. Some experience both at different times. Spontaneous desire occurs seemingly from nowhere—the thought just pops into your head, "I'd really like to have sex right now," without any discernable prompting from anything. Responsive desire, as you might guess, occurs in response to something—the sight of your spouse in some attractive clothing, or doing something you find sexy, or even a smell or sound that reminds you of sex. Responsive desire may also need more than one stimulus to activate desire.
Men tend to have more spontaneous desire, and women tend to have more responsive desire, but that's not always the case for each man, woman and couple, so be careful not to over-generalize. If your wife does have a more responsive kind of desire, and she doesn't think about sex on her own very often or at all, that doesn't mean she doesn't like it or want it. She DOES have it, but it most often takes something outside of her to activate her desire for sex. That could be a flirtatious or explicit comment from you, or it could be something more subtle, or it could even be the arrival of one of the planned sex times that you two had set! Since you say she enjoys "planned" sex, it sounds like simply having a time set aside, free of other burdens, is enough to activate that responsive desire in her. I especially think that's true because she's the one initiating during those times, which means her desire has been activated. I think it's also a great sign of the health of your shared sex life that she initiates part of the time! (Feel free to search online for more information about spontaneous versus responsive sexual desire. I believe Jay Dee of the Christian marriage/sex blog "Uncovering Intimacy" has a good post on this, though I don't agree with everything he says on his blog.)
As for oral sex, it's unfortunate she responds that way, but if that's how it is, definitely don't push the issue too hard. If she WANTS to have a better response to oral sex, try it occasionally with her permission, starting into it slowly and gently, mixing in other kinds of touch, and stop if she responds badly. If you try it a few times over the course of a few weeks or months and she still doesn't start to feel any better about it, don't keep trying, because you may accidentally reinforce negative mindsets around oral sex by leading her to expect negative responses. Instead, see some kind of sexual health professional or therapist who might be able to dig into why she's responding that way. She may have some strange mental block preventing her from enjoying it. That doesn't mean she's mentally ill—we ALL have weird mental/emotional associations and mindsets about certain things, and sometimes they can affect us in really strange ways, like this. Of course, these steps are all things to do assuming she's willing and wanting to improve her sexual wellness. If she doesn't want to improve, pressuring her will only cause more issues. Be gentle, loving and understanding in however you approach this.
On your final questions:
"Does she even like sex?" Nothing in your post indicates to me that she doesn't. It sounds like your wife loves you, and it sounds like you have a great foundation for your relationship. You are communicating fruitfully about intimate topics, and you have a regular and active sex life that you both enjoy. That's something to celebrate! As I noted above, my best guess is that she DOES like sex, she just has a more responsive kind of desire, as I explained above.
"Am I a burden to her?" Maybe there's more important context to your conversation that you didn't share, but from what you shared, I didn't get the sense that she sees you as a burden at all. Just because she enjoys the "planned" sessions more, that doesn't mean she isn't willing and happy to be sexually intimate with you at other times. It's natural for people to enjoy certain types of encounters more, or to enjoy sex more at certain times or in certain environments. That doesn't necessarily mean that she sees the non-planned times as a burden. I see how it could sound like she's doing it out of duty rather than desire at those times. But if it's not out of duty, and instead she does it as a gift, then be willing to accept it!
"Am I wrong for masturbating during our down times and looking at her pictures?" It sounds like she doesn't have a problem with it, so I don't think there's a problem with it at all—as long as you're not masturbating obsessively INSTEAD OF sex and depriving her of sexual intimacy, which it doesn't sound like you're doing. If she's okay with you having sexy pictures of her and masturbating with them, with your thoughts on her, how much you love her, and how sexy she is, I don't think that's a bad thing at all.
"Is it selfish for me to initiate sex when it’s not planned, knowing she’s pretty much just doing it for me?" Not at all. A healthy marriage involves giving generously in both directions. This is one way she can give generously to you: engaging sexually even when it's not an "optimal" time for her. Again, as I said before, she may enjoy the planned sessions the most, but she may (and likely does) still enjoy and find happiness and pleasure in the non-planned encounters with you.
I'd recommend collecting your thoughts, reading through the feedback you get here, and having another conversation with your wife to share your thoughts and feelings, and to clarify these things you're concerned about. It sounds like she loves you and is willing to communicate openly, so she may be able to provide more of per perspective and give you some reassurance. You did well to communicate this much with your wife, but to maintain and grow the health of your relationship, including the sexual aspects of it, you should have conversations like this regularly! Maybe don't make them big, serious talks that take up hours, but have little talks about things like these regularly, at least once or twice a month. That way you can make continual progress in understanding, loving, serving, and pleasing each other better!
I pray for God's grace on your journey, and that your continuing communication will bear wonderful fruit for your relationship and intimacy!
What you are doing with your lovely wife, that being open sexual communication should be prerequisite in every marriage. There are so many things that come into play that stop a couple from being able to be honest sexually with their partner which is such an irony! Seeing that entering into the bonds of marriage, that being a monogamous sexual relationship, we find it at times impossible to establish open sexual talk between ourselves. The problem is this leads to dissatisfaction for either one or the other.
And the possibility of a fertile grounds for infidelity, usually beginning with the use of porn which can be addictive. Husbands and wives need to realize that they have to meet their partners sexual needs as long as they are safe and legal. And husbands and wives need to have an open and honest face with the two of them can communicate their deepest thoughts and desires about their own sexuality without judgment and without fear of loss.
without this integral part of a sexual relationship the "bonds of marriage" can become the "bondage of marriage"
🔥❤️L&M❤️🔥
She gave you some very honest information and I would be very careful how I would process that type of information. One of my first responses would be to react in a negative way that would likely push her farther away. It's important to do it the right way.
I am left wondering if she does have some sort of sexual trauma as a child that she struggles to disclose. If this is the case, certain acts, like oral, might really bring those old feelings of trauma to the forefront.
I think the best thing to do is compartmentalize and be a good intimate friend to her rather than sexual partner during the days no sex is planned. Be affectionate but let her know you are happy not to go any further because you want her to be happy.
The goal is to form a closer connection where she further trusts you and can disclose more without any sense you are prying or forcing her to.
My wife has no issues demanding sex or letting me know she needs it. She has never mentioned any trauma issues. I was involved briefly with a woman who experienced trauma as a child a long long time ago. She disclosed quickly that she had experienced trauma as a child and sometimes had flashbacks during sex. I did not do right by her or the Lord by engaging in premarital sex with her. But I think it was good for her to get that off her chest and know that I would not reject her over it.
I suppose also treating the planned days like a spa session for her will help. I like giving the wife an all body massage where the sexual part is treated as an extension of the massage. It's all about making her feel good. What she has cum all over me she then turns it around and wants me to come. She thinks of sex as more of a way to help with the stress of motherhood and life. She likes her orgasms and says she enjoys lying there and wallowing in the endorphins.
Oh the horniness of her.
Jerikj
I'm glad to hear you had the conversation you got. Honestly, you have more figured out than you might think. Reality sucks & life isn't what Hollywood, or our own desires tell us it is. We men, & women, are reaping what was sown, in our world, long before we were born. You are correct to be concerned about the differences between men & women. In my experience I have only ran into maybe 2 women that were pro sex like a man would like. The rest are different. I get in my head about it at times, too.
What I can offer is that tradition is nearly unbreakable. Who your wife is now is who she learned to be way before you came along. And, that is a way of life that got her good results all along the way. We all have this. Yet, us husbands are more like a cock. Hard & wanting to get into what we like. Getting married seemed like the thing to do, to accomplish this. Well, 2 people from different perspectives can have a hard time seeing eye to eye. You can stop sweating the things you know the answer to. At one time she liked posing for pics. Now, not so much. We get that way. We like an idea, try it, & then later change our tune. This isn't about you, nor about having sex. It's about just what she says. Don't sweat it. Take the answer she gives & stop 2nd guessing. Sometimes a guy marries his own personal porn queen, but most don't. After 30+ years of marriage my wife has proven she loves me. We have been through some stuff that still causes me to get in my head, yet I have learned to take what I get & stop adding my own narrative. Learn who your wife is & love her like Jesus loves you. Not all women are sexual pros. But, your wife is who she is & in her way she loves you. If she is not a talker, what does her actions say? My wife rarely talks, but she has never given up on sex entirely, though she can be a sex camel sometimes. Going longer than I want without it. She is just fine to be that way without much remorse for what I go through. It is one way I have learned to give Jesus love. Sometimes a wife doesn't see it, & never will. Love doesn't keep record of wrongs. And, we are called to love those that can't love us back. Jesus is my answer to your dilemma. This is where faith comes in. Where the rubber meets the road. Take what you get. Enjoy what she gives. Masturbate when need. Use what she has said yes to. Try & work with what she says no to. It's not always fun giving yourself up for her, but Jesus did it for you, & I. Your reward in Heaven will eternally make up for every orgasm you gave up for her. For Jesus.
Sorry, this isn't what people want to hear. But, it is God's answer to our troubling times. Be light & salt there. It could change her & your marriage for the better, but if not you're at least not making it worse. And, Jesus knows your sacrifice & will reward you.