Is An Age Gap of 15 Years Too Much?
Hey MH family,
It’s been a while since my last post here.
Three years ago, I met a woman in a bachata class, and now she is my girlfriend. She is is 43 and I’m 27. She has a 15-year-old daughter.
My family and some friends from church do not approve of our relationship. But I love her, and she is so attracted to me. I love everything about her, and I can’t wait to be with her and have intimacy.
My mom told me that she won’t be able to bear a child of mine, and my friends also think the same thing. My brother told me that I’m making a big mistake by having a girlfriend with a daughter, because she already lived what I haven’t lived yet. She and I have talked about this situation, and she told me as long as we love each other, who cares what other people think.
I really love her and I want to be with her so bad! But what does my MH family think about this?
The age gap in itself is not an issue. If you both truly love each other, if you share your faith, if you have similar morals and values, and if you’re honestly compatible, then the difference in your ages is just a number.
Don’t be too hard on your family, church family, and friends though; they care about you, and that’s wonderful to have.
Hey KM, this is advice that really hits the mark in my opinion!
An age gap is a common concern for a reason. As you state, you know this. Usually, problems in marriages don't happen til life unfolds & develops over the next year, or more, after the feels of the honeymoon faze wears off. This is typical of all marriages, an age gap will play into that, with its own set of issues.
You've known each other for 3 years, but you're still looking forward to sex. That indicates the feels are still there, or someone is dragging their feet, committing to marriage. I wouldn't say your age gap is wrong, just don't let the feels blind you to red flags that you will regret not addressing now. Deal ending red flags once married you will be stuck with. These could be age related. Waiting 3 years could be a red flag. Also, women tend not to care about sex more easily, than men, generally. When you are 50 she will be past menopause at 65. Her having more life experience may give her a lackluster been there done that outlook. Plus, her age will possibly bring on body image, & health, issues that you would be better equipped to tackle if you were closer in age, & of the same generation. These are just things to consider. Marriages always have their problems. Having an age gap could bring problems on earlier for you, & her. The good years, could be shortened. Your prime could seemingly be stolen. That maybe how you feel on the other side looking back, once you are in the ordeal.
Yet, none of this is anything love, faith, & discipline cannot conquer. Honestly, just go in knowing. Don't allow you 2 to be blindsided. Every marriage can overcome differences, & trials. Age gap, or no, marriage can be the best life for you. Whether, you marry, or not, seek God & follow Jesus into it.
I tell my kids, I don't care what you do as long as you follow God there.
So, I have a definite opinion on this. Let me tell you about Melody & I:
We met in Sunday school so yes, as KM said we have shared faith and values. We became instant best friends. I was a single dad with kids. Melody adored them n they loved her. We dated for six months before we ever kissed. When we did I saw fireworks in my soul! I proposed the next day. Then I had to take a temporary job out of state for approaching a year.
One of my extended family members expressed concern about or age gap. But while the kids n I were gone Melody spent time with my extended family and they grew to love her and definitely approve of our love match.
We all got together a few times over that period but I had quite a long distance phone bill. The kids n I moved back and Melody n I married a week later. She was 43 & I was 32. Our age difference was not a problem. She adopted my kids & has been a wonderful mother n now grandmother.
Our marriage has been passionate beyond belief. That is because our our continuing deepening friendship & partnership. No, she was not able to bear any children but as I said, she was n is an amazing mamma.
Remember that not all 43 year old women can’t get pregnant. But my Melody couldn’t. Yet I got the distinct impression to not worry about it. Now I wouldn’t trade our last 30+ years for anything!
So, to directly answer your question, in my opinion, don’t worry about the age gap. I’ll add that I would hope that you can be a good dad to your stepdaughter. You should be able to love her as if she was your genetic offspring.
I agree that age is not an obstacle when two people are aligned in faith, beliefs, standards, interests, goals, and physical attraction (as long as both are legal adults, but that goes without saying!). Keep seeking God's wisdom and good counsel and make sure you discuss with your SO all things that might prove difficult down the line, so you can decide whether you are prepared to commit to that. My sister married a guy 20+ years her senior, but it has not been an issue at all. They talked about everything beforehand, got Biblical counseling, and prayed a lot during their courtship. They are perfect together and don't look at all like they have an age gap. I personally love age gap relationships, so I'm rooting for you both!
Fifteen years is an issue depending on what is important to you. If you want kids in the future, you must decide whether your relationship outweighs that reality. It’s helpful to take a long, hard look at your wants and expectations and see if any of those are impacted by your age difference. You don’t say whether she was married before, widowed, or had a child outside marriage. Does the daughter’s father play a role in her life? That might be a consideration also.
A fifteen-year difference by itself does not mean much; it’s the life and decisions two people make at different times that result from living or not yet living those years that can make the difference. Only you can decide how that impacts you.
Age doesn't matter. God does. At church group a 26 year old girl met her husband who was 45 man. Both were virgins and got pregnant a year after marriage. They have a beautiful family. Their story written perfectly by God.
My husband and I adopted a beautiful baby girl and a few weeks later got pregnant with twins. We suffered infertility but God created our family.
Discuss family options. Are you open to adoption? Can you accept your only step child?
There is a similar age gap in my marriage but my wife is the younger one and so we could have kids.
I wouldn't have gone the other way because I wanted to have children. I make no apologies for that. I am in decent shape so I can hang with her mostly and in some instances chase after the kids better than she can.
Eventually the age gap will probably hit home. I would say when I'm in my upper 60s and she's fifty. My father passed away at 67 from complications related to cancer, so I might also leave her as a fairly young widow.
Perhaps, she'll find another nice soul to keep her company in this world. I don't know. My goal is just to leave her with enough wealth that she can take care of herself.
The answer is that it just depends. I'm reminded of a separating couple I met at one time where the woman was much older. She was devastated that he was leaving her. He had found a younger woman and the older one kept saying how he did that because he wanted children.
Age and the way we view it is a funny thing. When we're 15 anyone who is 30 is old. When we reach 60 anyone who is 40 and under is still young.
However the older you get the less difference age means.
In your case it's 27 and 43 if she took away 3 years and you added 3 years you would still be 10 years apart.
Going from dating or dreaming and marrying and real life is also an interesting thing. For now she may be very physically fit and able to do just about everything you do. But then again she's entering into that point in a woman's life where hormones begin to change and we're a little aches and problems that come along with aging start to come along and she won't be able to do what she did before with you. Those times require understanding and patience sometimes that patience has to last for the rest of your time together because sometimes things aren't going to change back to where they were before.
Entering into a marriage agreement also means you're entering into a monogamous expectation agreement. In other words you're both going to be true to one another and provide what the other one needs from you. That made me just fine and dandy at your age now but give it another 10 or 15 years and you'll find out things aren't going to be all roses.
As far as women go. The difference between a girlfriend and a wife is that a girlfriend loves you for who you are, a wife loves you [for] who they know you can be.
As far as men go they often are seeking their purpose and part of their purpose is to take care of the one they love however if that person is more experienced in life as in how to raise a child and how to maintain a household and a budget and you don't have those skills that can have a tendency to wear thin, because it's not a partnership then it's more about parent / child relationship. And this may be just fine in the beginning but eventually it begins to surface and cause problems. Particularly for men when they don't feel they [have been] given the chance to mature and be all that a man could or should be. The question is whether she is going to look at you in the same light that she looks at her child because maybe you may exhibit certain characteristics that will expose the differences in your ages.
And if you are both keeping from having sex at this point the question is whether or not you will actually be sexually compatible. This is where [open] communication before the big step is taken has to come about. You both have to be completely honest about what turns you each on, and what you both want and what turns you both off and what you don't want. And this is each of you not one and the other one says okay okay that's good both of you have to be clear about these things.
You love each other and want to be with each other that is a wonderful thing. But you need to talk plainly and openly about everything from budgeting to income to sex to family to politics on and on otherwise all or any of these things can cause a rift between the two of you.
Something tells me that you two want what you want and no matter what you hear you're just going to go ahead and do it and that's what a lot of us do. But the only thing I can tell you is that you both need to be real about every aspect of your life before you take any major step together.
it's not that women over 40 can't get pregnant, it's the greater risk of health issues with the newborn. When I went thru my college program, the belief was women over 40 had a higher probability of birthing a baby with Down's syndrome.. Statically, the prevalence was greater for women over 40, don't remember the numbers.
Women are born with X number of eggs, don't "grow more", so their eggs change as they get older. Men continually produce sperm, so their supply is replenished.
This is NOT saying all women willl have a baby with this disorder, most will not..just the chance of it happening are greater.
No. Look at David Foster and Katharine McPhee. They’re decades apart in age, but they’re very happy, or they seem to be.
If you’re healthy and truly love each other, age should not be an issue.
my last gf was 30 years younger than me(me 65, her 35) and we had an amazing relationship […]. I have dated much older when i was younger(44 at 25, 55 at 28) and much younger (24 at 44) and most of the women i dated or married, at least 8 years younger. Age is just number not a state of mind!!
[Edited by MH: Since we are a Christian and marriage-focused site, we ask that extra-marital sex not be spoken of in a promoting way. Please see our guidelines page, especially the "Focus" section that explains our faith-based focus on married sexuality specifically.]
I am 10 years older than my husband