An Honest Discussion about Desires
Hello all!
My wife and I study history together. A big part of that is religious study, along with some cultural and sociological study, and to make it even more interesting, sexual studies.
Sexual ethics, practices, and understandings have differed since time immemorial. But today we are so confused about sex, especially as believers, because we have at least 1600 years of confusion since Augustine. It is often taboo, especially in the West, to discuss even fantasy.
Christian spaces rarely allow room for open discussion about inward desire, as it’s usually bashed with bad Biblical understanding. What we need is honest talk about these things. We would like to have a place for discussion to see what others think. Specifically, we would like to ask the community what their desires are—what they dream of or think of. And let’s not be hypocritical. For example, we should say that porn is bad, yet also enjoy actual voyeuristic acts to the point of orgasm.
We will start this. My wife and I love the idea of a threesome with another woman who is single. Would we ever do this? No, but does it turn us on? Yes, and we incorporate these fantasies into our own pleasure. When my wife was single earlier in her life, she had some experiences touching another woman’s boobs, and even though we would never bring that kind of play into our marriage now, she admits she enjoyed how they felt in her hands.
These fantasies used to make us feel bad, but we have learned that they come from our inner sexuality, which itself came from somewhere. We don’t know entirely what to do with it, but we acknowledge it.
Who else would like to share their desires?
A note from MarriageHeat: This is a topic that gets brought up fairly often in one form or another. Even though it’s a familiar topic, we allow multiple variations on it from different angles, because different people might find the different perspectives helpful. As always, the goal in such discussions is to be honest about thoughts, feelings, desires and fantasies while remaining honoring of God’s design for marriage and sexuality. Please comment accordingly!
My wife and I have had those discussions before as well. We talk about the fantasies and let me tell you some of them are hot hot hot. Will we ever act on them no because we also truly believe in the sanctity of marriage. But being able to talk and communicate those things within our marriage is wonderful
Yesss!!! open, honest communication. Absent of judgement, rejection or fear of loss!
Yes, the talking is good. I don't know where either my wife or I would be if we couldn't voice our fantasies…
This is a good question! I think it can be helpful for couples to discuss their fantasies, or to share them on Christian sites like Marriage Heat, so thank you for posting this.
Sometimes I think about accidentally seeing another couple having sex, or having sex with my wife outside. A threesome probably crosses my mind, but I don’t entertain it for long.
Jesus didn’t seem to believe that every thought we have comes from an “inner” place of goodness, though. He said “what comes out of a” person may be “evils that come from the inside and make a” person “unclean.” (Mark 7:20-23).
That is part of the beauty of the marriage heat community. We want to grow in our sexuality and enjoy all that God allows, while still realizing that unclean thoughts come out of us, too.
Is it ok to fantasize about a threesome? Possibly, if a couple fantasizes playfully within their own covenant lovemaking. Could another couple take it too far and start arranging a threesome? Yes, and this would be outside God’s design.
Thanks, Psalm139, for affirming your commitment to turn away from thoughts of extramarital sex. A scripture that hints of very great freedom within the boundary of holy marriage often comes to mind:
"Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled; but whoremongers [fornicators] and adulterers God will judge." Hebrews 13:4 KJV. An alternate translation is:
"Marriage is to be held in honor among all [that is, regarded as something of great value], and the marriage bed undefiled [by immorality or by any sexual sin]; for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous." Hebrews 13:4 Amplified
That said, I must keep a tight rein on my desires and thoughts, and prohibit myself from straying beyond the boundary. Yes, that's a limit to which Jesus calls me, and to which I must voluntarily submit.
"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." Matthew 5:28 KJV
In intentionally avoiding visual "pre-adultery" I remove a stumbling-block of iniquity from the show-ring of my heart.
Instead, I focus my sex thoughts on the wonderful wife God has provided for me. So I repeat within myself, "Just her, Lord. Just her."
From what I read in MH responses, most agree with God's boundary of exclusive heterosexual marriage. Thanks for this forum, MH.
My fantasies are more straightforward than much of what I read on the Internet. I'm strictly heterosexual and am not turned on by women, but I'm turned on by handsome men: chiseled jawlines, deep set eyes with strong brow ridges, and such. Strong and firm, but not overly muscular. The male body is a turn on. I love seeing my husband naked and aroused. I'm very turned on by the sheer act of PIV penetration. I love the fullness, being filled. I don't get the same sense of pleasure from any other object or body part in there. I also have spontaneous rather than responsive desire. I've always been this way.
Me and my wife often say names out loud when making out. Names of friends we would both sleep with in our dreams but it will never happen. Great turn on saying another girls or mans name while fucking knowing they won’t ever get hold of me or her.
Very kinky!
I believe it takes time to develop trust to feel safe to openly discus desires. As a man I have a lot of wild fantasies, my wife on the other hand says she does not, but they sure come out in the moment. We've developed trust in another to share these desires together. A go to for us is a morning massage from the "cabanna boy" who massages her intimate parts and boy does it get her going. She likes to end by "cumming home to climax" where I ask how her massage was, she likes to plays it off as nothing sometimes but usually shares how good it felt to be touched by another man. Either was you can tell she is in the mood to be touched more. Another great desire we explore 3-somes using toys, I cant tell you how exciting it is to watch your wife pleasure herself as your next to her. She loves me to stroke my rod as she thrusts her dildo on rubs her vibe. We've flirted with the pretend 3some with another women with my wife stroking my rod and cumming on another women's tits but never full on PIV sex.
ErocticUT, are you from Utah like me?
My erotic stories that I would write for my late wife often involved the Wasatch mountains, or a secluded desert stop.
Yes Sarge – our MH journey led to a sexual awakening at the Anniv Inn in Logan UT.
Thanks for sharing these fantasies!
My wife has often told me that she fantasizes about me with another woman. We often speak about this and it's a big turn on for us. She says that she'd love me to experience anything with another woman, including PIV sex. The daydreaming often gets her cumming in her panties in public.
When I use my vibrating stroker my wife talks for her. Melody named the stroker “Julia.” Julia is part of Melody’s and my foreplay and often our round two.This is about twice a week.
On most days when Melody ‘n I don’t have a full lovemaking/sex session Melody talks for Julia & orally and manually loves on my nipples as I “fuck” Julia to my almost daily orgasm.
We would never actually do a threesome but this fantasy roleplay has been fun for us. Also, with my arthritis, the vibrating “Julia” helps me cum faster.
I have fantasies of making love to my wife at a waterfall. I wrote a 2-part story about that posted recently here in MH.
Melody once told me that she fantasizes about a certain movie star with a fedora & a whip. I bought those items n a leather jacket to help make her fantasy cum true. I wrote about that as well.
I completely agree as far as honesty goes between a couple that's dedicated.
I don't know if I need to get into our own experiences or about my own attraction to other women.
And most here would know about our marriage story and the changes that happened over years to bring us where we are now.
It is an irony that the person you commit your life to and who is supposed to be your soul partner the one who should know you inside and out and they you. That these would be the ones that we would feel the need to hide our personal desires with. To enter into the intimate connection of monogamy should be an exploration. Together as Lewis and Clark exploring new sexual frontiers with one another and finding out together what it is that you both like.
My husband and I had, after much discussion made the decision to be open and honest with one another without fear of loss or judgment.
This includes who or what we may be thinking about at times of self pleasure.
And as some have said we've incorporated this into our play time together. For anyone who may have read a recently posted story of ours you will know that one of my husband's fantasies was to see me handled two penises. Well you got his wish and saw me handle three one of them his. The other two, sexual toys resembling male genitalia.
Our role plays can be very in depth and at times can be spurred by our discussion of somebody that we found attractive and what resulted from it.
The fact is we will all male and female find somebody other than our spouse who will bear qualities that we find desirable. And it's this acceptance and confession to one another that brings truth into a relationship. Jealousy has no place in our relationship, And it should not have a place in anybody else's.
Would we ever include a third person or a couple? No we would never do that. To include others is to open yourself up to the risk of feelings and emotions with someone who we are not committed to. I've shared stories about girlfriends and their experiences. Some of them entering into the lifestyle and later divorcing because of jealousy or developing love between themselves and another.
We know that there are things which The scriptures explicitly tell us not to partake in. And unbelievers no that there are certain things a committed couple does not do.
Is it good to have it a place where people of Faith can be honest about their own sexuality and feelings?
Most definitely! Knowing that there are others who are in the faith who have taken upon themselves to learn the truth of what is right and what is wrong what is acceptable and what's unacceptable and began adapting their lives to that.
To have a place of discussion like this where we can talk about our experiences in temptations. Where we can encourage one another To stay the course. To have a place where people of faith can be honest and open and know that they are not alone in their feelings..
For us we made the agreement after much discussion that if one of us has heard or knows of something that we would love to try. The two of us will try it together. If it doesn't work for one of us we will see what it takes to tweak it and make it work. If it still doesn't it goes to the trash heap never to be tried again.
However before we ever try it we have to make sure that it does not contradict what we know to be God's desire for us. If we find evidence of this we throw it out before it's ever tried.
Now here being open and honest and writing of our experiences and sharing personal thoughts
The fact is we are parents and grandparents and most people who know us would never suspect all of the things that we have experienced or explored. And that's absolutely fine We love our friends and family. We don't know what secrets they hide and we don't need to know.
But having a place like this where you can develop friendships with people that you've never met or openly conversed is a blessing.
To be able to know that there are brothers and sisters who like us have embraced their own sexual relationships and applied them to their own benefit and found themselves stronger and more in touch than ever is a blessing.
L&M ♥️♥️♥️
We got to discussing fantasies long ago, when I stumbled on one my wife had when I made it come true. Some things just work out that way!
Mine were simple things, like a full blown cum-in-her-mouth blowjob. A few of hers, were a bit more complex, but none involved a third, and only us……other than some spectator fantasies she had.
The one fantasy that she had that would never happen, was her getting PIV while I licked her clit. When she told me about it, my first thought was, 'WHAT? You mean some other guy doing you while I ate you?'. She told me 'no no no silly, you're just really flexible! You're doing both!'. She had quite the graphic description of the whole thing too……me pumping away, licking her clit, and cum getting pumped out of her and all over both of us while I was lapping away as she orgasmed.
I did manage to get close to fulfilling that one. I pumped away on her pussy while I licked her clit, and somewhere before she came, I added my cum to the mess and went back to eating & pumping.
Close enough! She had, and still has when I do it, big honkin' powerful orgasms.
I think it's a great idea to talk about fantasies, even impossible ones, but I also think the ones that are not in God's plan are better suppressed. One wife, one husband!
That sounds hot, Tulsa! I love the idea of a wife who actually has fantasies, and I hope and pray my future wife will be like that. It shows evidence of an actively sexual mind, which is wildly attractive!
One question though… could you describe a little more about how you actually fulfilled that fantasy for her? Surely, you weren't ACTUALLY flexible enough to pull off oral and PIV simultaneously, right?! Did you use a dildo on her as you ate her, and just briefly paused the oral to add your own cum to the mix before going back to the feast? That sounds like a really hot way to fulfill the fantasy, by the way. That's going on the list of things I want to try with my future wife!
It's also interesting that you mention talking about impossible fantasies. Just a week or two ago, I started writing up a draft for a discussion post about that topic specifically. I actually have quite a few of those unrealistic fantasies myself, though I try not to dwell on them too much, because I feel like becoming obsessed with impossible ideas is unhealthy. But they're certainly fun to entertain once in a while. Maybe I'll continue that draft and submit it some time.
Oh no! There's no way I could bend like that, even back over 40 years ago! Such a thing would take some serious flexibility!
Her fantasy, was pretty simple really. She thought about the feeling if I was pumping away at her PIV, and licking her clit at the same time. Since there is no way I could do that.
So….to make it as real as I could, I started eating her out, and then I slid a silicone dildo while I was licking. That wound her up for sure, and pretty soon, she was shakin' shiverin' and humpin' my face. It was so hot, and hotter than I could stand!
My biggest fault, is I cum too quick, and I have cum with no stimulation when she O's on my face when I eat her. This was one of those times, so instead of cumming on the floor, I jumped up, and splattered her pussy with cum. All I had to do was aim! BOOM! Then I went back to business, with the dildo, and started licking her now cum covered clit again. (Not for all, no doubt)
BOOM! She came like a crazy person!
She's was a fan of oral after PIV already, (her first fantasy I knew of) so for us it was no big deal……or maybe it was! 🙂 Sure has brung on some fantastic orgasms……for both of us!
I know it sucks coming too quickly. I used to deal with that almost every time I masturbated, but as I've aged into my late 20s, thankfully I have grown and trained my body to last longer. It took a long-term effort of consciously keeping my pelvic floor muscles relaxed, among other things. But I bet I'll probably struggle with a whole new season of PE when I get married and have the overwhelming sexiness of my future wife to get used to! But the reason I mention that is… I think it's actually super hot and endearing that you find your wife so sexy that you sometimes ejaculate without physical stimulation! I'm sure it's frustrating sometimes, but it's also kind of a beautiful piece of evidence for how turned on your wife makes you. Frankly, I can totally imagine spontaneously ejaculating just from the thought of knowing my wife just came on my face! I've long suspected that on our wedding night and honeymoon, I might very well spontaneously ejaculate just from looking at her!
Oral after PIV, or really any kind of cum play, is a big turn-on for me too, and I really hope my future wife loves creampies as much as your wife does! I love the thought of eating my cum out of her pussy and making her orgasm that way, and I really hope she enjoys that too. There's nothing better than finding certain acts that are super strong turn-ons for both spouses, so you can both be having a great time at the same time!
What we do to make up for me cumming too quickly, is after I cum that first time, I do other things to keep her going, until I recharge and get hard again for another round. Once we figured out that it didn’t have to be one and done, our sexcapades got a whole lot better, and we both have multiple O’s!
Younger days, I could almost remain hard after the first time, and be ready for more PIV in minutes. I’m not near as quick now-a-days though, but that’s OK, since as I got older, I can last longer the first time! Things we figured out early on, and adjusted over time.
Orgasms! Bet you can’t have just one!
My wife is really into cumplay, which, made me into it too! 😉 It makes multiples easier, if you have no fear of getting a taste of each other and yourself. Oral after PIV, kissing after oral, anything like that, all still on the menu, and when it’s a big turn-on it’s on the top of the menu!
Awesome! I'm always happy to hear stories of couples figuring out what works together, because it gives me an example to follow if my future wife and I ever have an issue to work through (which we're 99% sure to have, haha).
I agree on how necessary it is to "have no fear of getting a taste of each other and yourself." For that very reason, a while back, I started consuming my own cum almost every time I masturbate. I wouldn't say I exactly savor it, but it HAS gotten me to the point where I can taste it without any hesitation. There was a little I had to overcome at first, though. And funnily enough, it has made cleanup way easier as well, lol! I can't accustom myself to the taste of a wife I don't have yet, but at least I'm halfway there, haha!
My wife and I have discussed about my fantasy of her being penetrated by a third from behind as this is her most favoured position, but while that is taking place she is reaching over and taking my cock orally. A hot thought but would not do this in real life, and I stress this is my fantasy not hers. For me its always been about her receiving pleasure not so much about me in my fantasies. Sometimes we incorporate this sort of talk during our love making and I notice that she does climax intensely.
silverfox,
The nickname for that is her getting "spit-roasted".
Sounds like that could be fulfilled pretty easily with a suction cup dildo!
Yes, we would have this fantasy as well. The closest we got to it was wife on all fours sucking my cock while I reached over her back and used her 9" realistic vibrator on her. We both had amazing orgasms.
I think that desire can become an all-consuming obsession if left to fester, and it's obvious that you BTC, are talking about healthy fantasizing, and you're acting your desires out in a healthy way. It's sad that most of Christian culture is so sex-negative that even discussing fantasies between husband and wife is not a regular occurrence. I remember a recent Babylon Bee fake article, "Husband Assures Wife He Only Looks at Song of Solomon for the Theology," which is funny but also sad because of how true it is (if MH approves the link https://babylonbee.com/news/husband-assures-wife-he-only-looks-at-song-of-solomon-for-the-theology ). [From MH: Everyone just remember this is a comedy satire site!] It's right there in the middle of the Bible, a healthy and Godly look at sexual fantasy and so few people are taught to follow that example! Thankfully they sometimes manage to find that after they grow up.
As far as my own fantasies, I suppose I do have a few. An alien babe with tentacles penetrating every orifice of my body, or a hot cougar taking my youthful virginity. But I suppose that the main fantasy is have is just being married to a wonderful woman who fulfills my desires and vice versa. As someone who's been an adult for the last 20 years and am still praying to God for a wife, perhaps my fantasy is tame, but I really don't need anything else to satisfy myself.
BehindTheCurtain
I agree that we can have fantasies between our spouses, as long as we don’t seek them out and act on them.
My late wife loved the short erotica that I would write, and I would often plant a topic in them that she would like to try. Very few of my stories included a threesome, which my wife knew was my favorite fantasy. I would never have cheated on my wife, even when opportunity presented itself while I was deployed. I loved my sweetheart more than my own life, so it really wasn’t a problem turning down the advances of females who hit on me.
Sometimes I would write those into my erotica, and she really enjoyed it.
On a spiritual level, people keep harping on the, if you think it you’ve done it mentally. I would agree with that if I was coveting my neighbors wife, but my sweetie was my everything, so I never seriously contemplated affairs.
But things that are strictly done, or shared with your spouse, and them alone, is all good.
I love that Heavenly Father created women with a clitoris. That is a great sign that He wants his daughters to have pleasure.
Joe here, not Lauren.
I am very open to honest conversations like this because Lauren and I were once stuck in a very vanilla relationship where neither of us truly communicated what we wanted or needed sexually. Eventually we reached a point where we had two choices: be completely open and honest with each other, or slowly drift apart.
That first vulnerable sexual conversation changed everything for us.
If we had not been brave enough to speak honestly, we would never have discovered our dynamic, our desires, or honestly even our true selves. I think if you read Lauren’s writing, you can probably tell the type of relationship and trust we now share.
What L&M wrote about monogamy being an exploration together really resonated with me. The idea of being “Lewis and Clark exploring new sexual frontiers” together felt very true to our experience. We also reached that point where honesty became more important than fear or embarrassment. Once you can speak openly without fear of judgment or loss, something changes in a marriage.
Tulsa’s point about fantasies not always needing to become reality also struck a chord with me. Some fantasies stay in the imagination, some become roleplay, some become part of your intimacy together, and some simply help you understand yourself better. I think there is a huge difference between secrecy and openness.
For us, we took things slowly. There was no overnight transformation. We talked, explored, questioned ourselves, sometimes got things wrong, and learned to separate fantasy, curiosity, intimacy, and reality. We are happier, closer, and more emotionally connected because of it.
I honestly think many couples are carrying desires they are terrified to speak aloud, not because the desires themselves are dangerous, but because vulnerability is frightening.
Do you think most Christian couples are actually far more curious and imaginative sexually than they admit publicly? And where do people think the line sits between healthy fantasy and something spiritually unhealthy?
Joe
Joe,
Thanks for the reply.
To answer your question, I think everyone has a sexual imagination but we are taught that it's wrong to have such thoughts, and so we stay quiet.
This might be fine for some, but others struggle with the guilt and the guilt makes the person think they're sinful. This whole negative feedback loop is largely church invention in my own opinion. My wife and I learned quickly before we even met that it's better to be honest about what you are. What is worse: suppressing inward desire to appear outwardly good, or letting the person truly see who you are without needing to lie to them?
I have often found that once fantasy is voiced, it becomes less important. Having said this, my wife actually wouldn't mind if another woman pleased me. The sexual act doesn't bother her, but rather, emotional attachments to other people do. Many won't agree with the way we see things, but we're content to with the honesty around the topics and we've never questioned each other's loyalty.
♥️
❤️
Joe and Lauren, to start with I think the world of you two. And I love your story. It's a shame how many feel that they cannot open up about their true selves to their spouse. Seeing where your intimacy is now vs a vanilla sex life is telling in how you both discovered your true character and personality.
And what's even more magical about it is that you were already matched before you both open up about these things.
Is this a relationship that's for everybody? No, but for some it is and for some it is very fulfilling and in a sense completion .
💋❤️
I think my biggest one is probably same room sex fantasy with another couple. Watch and being watch is such a turn on. I imagine all the noises and the moaning and visually is so arousing. I often masturbate tothose thoughts.
We think of this all the time, we love the idea of watching sex…
Our fantasies tend to venture out and about, eventually circling back to imagining each other in various scenarios of giving or receiving intense pleasure. Tom enjoys listening to me tell him stories. I feel quite a sense of power that I can turn him on by talking to him. It is quite inspiring to my writing and definitely keeps the home fires burning!
That’s nice! I read erotica to hubby while masturbating and he loves to watch. We would involve names of ppl we know and my sex machine has a name.
@ NaughtyWife64, do you do scenarios imagining u r with ppl you know? It could be a lot of fun…
My wife and I have started doing some role play, sex therapist-patient and at the conclusion she'll ask if I would like some hands on "physical therapy" to experiment with some of what we have talked about. As we start having sex she will ask "what would your wife think if she saw us doing this?" and I'll say "we should invite her over and she can watch us" – things like that.
And we recently did a masseuse fantasy where an old college flame comes back into her life, he works in massage and physical therapy and they develop a little Facebook fling that gets carried away. They consummate it while I'm away on business. I even wrote a backstory of their friendship back when we were dating in college. We truthfully had a long distance relationship over the summers and the story is that her summer friendship with this male friend gets out of hand and leads to some heavy petting and breast sucking (things we actually did in college). I read it to her a few weeks ago and she really liked it.
Hi All!
Apologies, I have been incognito.
Will try reply now to everyone!
I admit that I haven’t read all 38 responses to this post. Forgive me if what I say is a repeat. I also admit to having similar fantasies, but in my past. Here is why they remain in my past. The Bible is clear that even our thoughts can be sinful, Jesus’ words, not mine. I had previously rationalized my fantasies by convincing myself that it’s not anything I would ever act on, so thoughts alone aren’t sinful. But that’s contrary to Jesus’ words to us. I still rationalized away my sin. Over time I grew more aware of if my sin. One passage that convicted me was about looking back and how it prevents you from plowing a straight path. It suddenly occurred to me that in my fantasy, I was looking back on sin that I used to not consider sin, but I now know is sin. You can’t look at past sins, or any sin, with fondness and be glorifying the Lord. If you are thinking about sin and it excites you, there is a problem. Now, I fully admit that this is an area where I struggle. I sometimes do look back at my life before Christ and find myself enjoying it. However, those times are fewer and farther apart than in the past. I don’t allow myself to go down that road anymore. We want others to tell us that our sin is not sin, when we should be asking the Holy Spirit. You mention that these desires come from somewhere. You are correct, they come from our flesh and it’s sinful ways. Our flesh desires sin, but we must not relent to our flesh or our heart, because they are both evil.