First Fall
This story is a story of Christian marriage and lovemaking. One that navigates what this means when a spouse has bipolar disorder. It changes things.
True disclosure – there are times where I am tired, exhausted and long for a simpler married life, but God has brought us together, and I honor that.
It was a few months ago that I saw contemporary dancer Wendy Whelan in a performance of dance duets called Restless Creature. In the final duet called, “First Fall,” the dance featured a prolonged segment of one dancer carrying another. They explored this nature of carrying and supporting in every way possible. I have to tell you it was one of the more emotional expressions I have seen.
The emotion in the audience was notable. Many people were moved. I think anyone who has supported or been supported in a relationship felt the expression profoundly. For this one moment, I saw the beauty in what it means to be in a relationship where we are called on to support and carry each other.
I think we know what this means and feels like, but to see it so beautifully expressed, was to see the staggering beauty and arresting grace of such an act.
This story of the dance serves as the backdrop for what I’ve decided to share with this community. How does it play out when we are called to continue to love and make love through challenges? What does it mean to carry a spouse and relationship forward?
I need to do this because I can’t and don’t want to keep it only to myself anymore. I need to write, to get this out.
Riding White Horses has been a metaphor for me through this journey. Imagine the sea – vast, fluid, sometimes glistening, beautiful, dancing with sunlight, lively and playful. At other times dark, restless, unrelenting, punishing, overwhelming and perilously undulating. Riding white horses is a metaphor for riding the high crests; the white tipped waves. Over and over and trying to stay upright, bright and not succumb to emotional exhaustion.
In this first expression, I’ll start with where things are today October of 2015.
My wife has had a long summer of depression. I’ve seen her go from pretty deeply depressed to moderate depression and for those of you wondering right now, yes, she does see a doctor and take medication. In a sad postscript to that fact, however, she does not think she has bipolar disorder, rather she sees it as a spiritual affliction. This fact can make it difficult to have a simple pragmatic conversation.
Depression is a bit of a new thing for her. When she was younger, she was much more on the manic side of the spectrum. In living with the two sides and how they express through her, manic is not so bad, depression is tough.
Depression is like a giant energy void or vacuum. As if there is a perimeter of the energy of the person that you can still see and interface with, but at the center is a void. A void that their thoughts and feelings and seemingly their self falls into and just disappears, especially when it’s unyielding. In another way, think of it like a whirlpool in the ocean. It is powerful and just pulls energy into itself.
I can see why so many people who live with depressive or psychotic people can get pulled into the thought vortex and sometimes blinded by it. This feeling is why you have to stay grounded and clear, even though the person you are with is not.
To love a depressed person is difficult. Difficult because you just can’t connect. It helps me see how so much of love is the connection, giving/receiving, receiving/giving, fusing, sharing. When that can’t happen, it’s as if the flow of love – at least in how we most often recognize it – is disrupted.
You can’t seem to reach them, and they sometimes cannot raise up enough energy to give back to you. It is just like a constant pull of energy into this void.
It’s the dance of love that I miss. The ascension of spirit and passion, to linger at that precipice of oneness, to touch, feel, play, kiss. How foreplay lingers on that edge. How we come close, pull away, come close again as if both of us tempt, tease and dare the other to finally break through that thin veil to become one. Then it happens, the flight of unity, the pleasure of love.
The sometimes cosmic energy of lovemaking is breathtaking. Not to be minimized, trivialized or made purely physical.
Depression, however, is a thief that breathes all that energy in and in doing so pulls the warmth and tenderness with it. We’ve had sex, not made love, had sex twice in October. Both times her back was turned to me.
Honestly, I can barely stand it. It feels like everything I would never want lovemaking to be. I have been mad, resigned, sad – not for myself, just sad at the departure of something beautiful.
Deep down I wonder if something is getting through. It’s as if she is in a dark room and hears the sound of a singing voice from a distance; the sound of a melody in a world that has none to give her.
I think of this and feel ashamed sometimes of my anger and frustration. I feel selfish. I think that if I were in the dark the sound of the beautiful melody would mean so much to my heart. Am I the bird that can sing into the darkness and choose not to do so?
I can think too much about this, I know.
My hands miss you, dear love. I am weary as I surely know you must be too.
For those of you who read this. Treasure the beauty of your love. Treasure lovemaking that is alive and free.
Thank you for letting me share this, please feel no sorrow for me for just as in the dance “First Fall” there is beauty here. A dimension of love that asks me to ride white horses until the sea calms.
Again, treasure the love you have, dear ones.
I live your life as well. My husband is bipolar and it has at times made me depressed. I gave tried to get more passion than sex. It has come at very rare times but I have experienced it. I’ve prayed on it and hope to see more
Thank you for sharing this, John. You are in a hard place. I like the white horses analogy, I am sure it gives you strength. Have you ever read “knots on a counting Rope”? It is a children’s book about a blind Navajo child. He is named Strength of Blue Horses and his grandfather weaves a story for him about the power of the horses to help him overcome the challenges he will face in life. It’s a beautiful story, and your story reminds me of it. Keep riding.
I asked my husband what I could say that would help. If anyone could help you, it would be him. He said to keep your energy up.That this is a marathon, not a sprint. find things you can do together. It may be a walk, a game, only you will be able to find it, but it most likely wouldn’t be sex. these problems are often life long, but were are all in this for eternity. there will come at time she will be resurrected and perfected and I believe that a loving God will give you the oportunity to have all the things you missed.
John,
Your story made my heart heavy for you. Our family has been profoundly impacted by Bipolar Disorder also.
I would strongly recommend that you checkout this website and consider giving it a try.
After years of turmoil our daughter tried it and has been stable and “well” for twelve years now. I cannot say enough positive about it!
God bless you and your wife!
http://www.truehope.com/bipolar.html
Thank you for sharing. I definitely needed a reminder today to treasure the beauty of my love. Your commitment to God and your marriage is very admirable. Prayers!
John,
Thank-you for sharing your true heart with us. Your story touches some sensitive spots in our marriage. But unlike the extreme polar swings of bipolar, our problem won’t leave…
Almost 14 years ago, I started having a constant, intense headache. 24/7/365. (New Daily Persistent Headache) The pain is unrelenting, but varies within each day, leaving no predictability in terms of how functional I’ll be at any given time of day. So…depression is a little dark gremlin, always on my shoulder, ready to drag me down.
My wife has been incredible through all of this, both when I was seeking answers, and when I felt like giving up. She has had to taken over running our entire life, because she could count on me. She has been, and continues to be, simply amazing! God has given her the strength to be the dancer carrying me…
Blessings on you, and may His grace be sufficient and His love to overflowing on your lives together.
John, that was beautiful!
My prayers are for you that you will stay strong in the midst of your wife’s ever changing waves. Prayers that she will see that spiritual and mental conditions can be one in the same and just as the Lord give knowledge to the doctors to help, she can still also find solace in His embrace as well.
My prayers be with you. I know it’s now the middle of November but we serve a Timeless God and prayers prayed in the future can reach back into the past! I pray November has been a better month and that throughout your time together you never forget each other, the love you share, and the God that has been the glue that has held you together each and every day.
As l read your entry my heart went out for you and l just thought, “truly what manner of man is this, he truly loves like Christ?” l pray that my future husband and l will love each other with such divine love.
l am 22 years and never been really in a relationship, so l wouldn’t really know what it is like to be going through what you are going through. However, l think l have wisdom to share with you and hopefully it will something useful to you.
Ephesians 6:12 “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places,”so l do somewhat l agree with what you wife said about her condition being spiritual. As much as this is a condition that can be managed by medicines, why not seek greater helper that will bring permanent change. So l am assuming that you guys are Bible believing, born-again Christians who believe in healing. (But l’m also sure you have considered this already).
See, as seeds of Abraham and in Christ we have received a life of prosperity, there is no where it says sickness should be part of our lives but how to we receive our healing and turn away from such affiliations. We do not receive because we ask amiss (James 4:3) or we are unwilling to receive and that may be consciously or unconsciously. I have seen a lot of healing testimonies in my young walk with Christ which is now a year long and no one can dare tell me that The Lord is not a healer. From binge watching testimonies on youtube and also from those around me in real life and l have seen God’s hand at work. So what are the keys to a healing?
Be sanctified. Receive forgiveness for your inequities and also forgive those who have wronged you. Take Holy Communion, with bread and wine/drink and you can actually do it in your own? 1 Corinthians 11.
As a married couple and in Christ, you have a great union and sanctified union has God’s presence and the prayer of agreement in your case is a powerful weapon. When two or three are gathered in one accord there l will be there as well (Matthew 18:20). Therefore, you must have have an agreement about receiving healing and believe not hope.
You also have to recognise whom you are in Christ. When Christ said “it is done,” He meant it. Everything you need in your life God has already provided for you , even though we continue to ask , what we really need to do is receive.
Perhaps you have heard about the power of praise, but let me just tell you if you want God to intervention, you will praise God for whom He is and also for he is goodness in your life. Praise brings the presence of the Lord to your because that is the most the only thing you can do for Him and His Glory and it is also the most important thing to Him. Because of that the Lord will say “who is this that engaged his heart to approach unto me(Jeremiah 30:19-23) When you pray, make sure you pray in the spirit with your heart and in truth. Remember you just praised God so his presence is still with you. Now you are able to corner The Lord and make your request known, taking him from the closet to the boardroom by bringing your strong reason on why your wife should be healed. Use His word/scriptures to remind him of the promises he has already unto us and the following scriptures will guide you.
1st John 5:14-15
14 This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. 15 And if we know that he hears us— whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.
Isaiah 41:21
The Lord says to the nations and their gods, “State your case.”Jacob’s King says to them, “Prove your case to me.
John 15:7 (KJV)
7 If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you.
16 Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you.
James 1:5
If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.
Mark 11:22-24
22 “Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. 23 “Truly[a] I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. 24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.
James 4: 1-4 Submission to God
4 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.
1st Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
James 5:14-16 14 Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: 15 And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him. 16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.
Here is one of the healing miracles that l always think of http://gracevine.christiantoday.com/video/muslim-millionaire-has-deadly-case-of-shingles-doctors-give-up-and-hes-left-to-die-then-jesus-visits-him-4453
Without faith we cannot please God (Hebrews 11:6), therefore just like a muscle you will need to build up your faith.
John – you have much to teach us all. Thank you for the window into your life and your
undying love! God bless you. LH
I thank you all for your kindness, prayers and honesty. Just sharing this makes my heart feel lighter. Just one more time, please treasure the love you have and the love you share with our spouses. It is a glorious gift.