Help Please! I want out of my marriage!

Hi guys, I need your help.  Hang in there with me, it’s a long backstory but I’m facing a major decision in my life.  I have been married to my wife for a little over 10 years.  She has never been the physical touch kind of person and has never (maybe once or twice) touched my dick, has never given me oral, doesn’t like it when I play with her boobs, has never let me touch her “down there”, and has never let me go down on her. She is physically disgusted by my dick and foreplay is almost literally 5 mins of grinding on her with her undies on.  Needless to say, a lubricant is a must in our bedroom since foreplay is a no-no for her.   I, on the other hand, speak the language of physical touch too well.

During and after her first pregnancy we went without sex for 8 months, and this was not medically related, it was just her.  I felt completely unloved and of course once the baby came forgotten about.  4 months after our little girl’s birth, I ended up having a very serious emotional affair that turned sexual once before we broke it off.  It was so intense to me that I almost left my wife for her.  Fast forward 3 years and we then had our 3-year-old sweetheart and a 6-month-old little guy.  I again felt unloved, unappreciated, and left out.  I also had another affair which was far more sexual than emotional to the point of even taking a day off of work to be with the woman in bed for 6 hours.

After 6 months of me screwing around with this second infidelity, my wife found out and I came clean about everything.  Since then I have read probably 15 books, listened to tons of programs, and turned my life around to the extent of God helping me quit a 20-year porn addiction in a week.  I consider myself a Christian for about a year now and have a new understanding of sex and the overall importance of marriage and family.  I have worked so hard to change myself, gain understanding, and go to counseling among other things.  She, on the other hand, has refused counseling repeatedly, refuses to read any of the books I have given her and has openly admitted that the only thing she is willing to do to help heal is to let time pass and try to forget about it.  We have not had sex in 3+ years and I have seen a major regression in her affection in touch and in really critical words.  I recently realized through a series of comments including slandering my family of origin, a complete lack of care for my feelings/opinions, and her admitting that she is unwilling to try to change her interactions with me that she will never be able to be the wife I was designed for and I will never be able to be the husband she was designed for.  Our love languages (another book she refused to read) are completely opposite from each other as in “as far as the east is from the west” in difference.  We make a good team as far as the kids go but poor marriage partners because of our stark differences.

My problem is this:  I have no biblical grounds for divorce.  She has not cheated on me and has not deserted me.  However, she is a Proverbs 21 (corner of the roof) wife, not a Proverbs 31 (does him no harm), wife.  I am on the verge of asking her for a divorce on these grounds: I will not be able to model a Godly marriage with my wife based on her unwillingness to change her ways.  I want to be able to show my kids what marriage was intended to be and I will not be able to do this without a change in mates.  I don’t have anyone I’ve been seeing or have in mind or anything so that’s not the issue.  It’s my desire to show my kids a Godly marriage, and this is not it.  In your view, am I right to ask my wife for a divorce?  I know nothing is guaranteed but I know myself so much better than I did 10 years ago that I think I know who I might mesh better with.  Anyone have experience with this?  Do you think God would approve of the dissolution of this marriage for the rising up of his glory in a new one?  Our kids are now 7 and 4 1/2 – how would/will this affect them?  If she had shown one ounce of trying something to help heal other than trying to forget about it I would have no problem at all with where we are at.  My head is spinning and my stomach is in knots over this so any help is appreciated!

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19 replies
  1. copen1 says:

    Dear Repented Man,
    I am going to ask you to take a step aside and approach your marriage differently. From an outward standpoint, continue to be a loving husband and father. Inwardly, I want you to seek God in a different way. Prayer and fasting is often neglected in today's Christian walk, but that's what I want you to do. Fast one meal a week and prayerfully seek God. Put aside your preconceived notions and opinions. Put aside your ideas on what needs to be done. Put aside your guilt for your actions and put aside the resentment you have for your wife. Tell no one what you are doing or why. Give this six months and revisit everything then. I love you dear brother in Christ and I will pray with you.

  2. sswriters says:

    Sir,
    To add to copen1's fine counsel, I learned the hard way that one of the biggest difficulties in a marriage such as yours is becoming addicted to 'wishing'. I was always wishing that things were different or would change. Wishing keeps us focused on something that's just not going to happen. Mind you, I'm not saying you should give up 'hope' because hope and wishing aren't the same. Actually, wishing can be a type of complaining because it focuses almost entirely on us and what we want.

    I would suggest that your main focus now should be on your relationship and peace with yourself. Learn to like who you are and take note of the good things about you This is not self-worship, it's simply being truthful. The Bible's principle to 'speak the truth in love' applies to how you relate to yourself just as much as how you relate to others. As you learn to make peace with yourself and get a strong grip of the good things about you, you will be able to see your wife and marriage in a more balanced perspective.

    From what you first said about your wife, it sounds like she entered the marriage with a very unhealthy and unrealistic view of sex, which you didn't perceive or didn't perceive to be a problem. On the other hand, you also mentioned an addiction to porn which of course creates in men, an unhealthy and unrealistic view of sex. If that's the case, there's two strikes right there.

    Truthfully, Sir, I think your biggest challenge is to get control of your emotions. This was the case for me but I didn't learn that until too late. Emotions always exaggerate, twist, distort and see only one side. I think that's why the Bible stresses so strongly the need for peace. Peace with God and then peace with yourself. Remember that perfection does not produce peace but rather, peace produces perfection. In peace, you will see that you are not responsible for your wife's behavior. You cannot change her, you can only change yourself. From what you've said about your wife's current attitude and conduct, it sounds like she's really in conflict with herself more than she is with you. Unfortunately for you, she doesn't see that.

    Do you have reason to be angry? Absolutely. Do you have justification for your frustration and pain? Absolutely. The question then is, do you really know that? If so, then that's all you need. You don't need to waste time and energy convincing your wife. As long as YOU know it, that's sufficient. Let me share an example from a marriage expert, Dr. Gary Smalley. He said that for the first 38 years of marriage his wife's 'back-seat driving' drove him up a wall. There was no easier way for them to get into a fight than for her to start giving him directions about his driving. Of course, from her perspective, she was 'just trying to help'. Finally, he realized that the biggest problem was not her, but within himself. He was allowing her unnecessary advice to shake his confidence about his driving. All he had to do was change his own thoughts and this changed his response. He simply began to remind himself of the truth that he knew what he was doing and where he was going. Once he did this, his wife's 'help' no longer bothered him. He stopped 'wishing' that she wouldn't back-seat drive and made peace with himself by accepting the truth, in love, about himself.

    So, look at yourself as the good man you are and make peace with that. I encourage you to follow copen1's advice and engage in a time of prayer and fasting, which will help in that endeavor. Peace to you.

  3. Art says:

    I suggest 1)Prayer
    2) Professional Counseling (Sex Addiction)
    3) Celebrate Recovery – Step Study
    4) CovenantEyes on your devices
    5) Marriage Blogs by folks that are part of the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association

  4. Adam Rose says:

    Whatever happens. Please get some outside help. Pastor/Church Elder, Councilor, any wise older Christian, extra.
    Do not let this fester. Eventually it will turn to hatred, then who knows…
    Also no matter how hard you try, you cannot fool your kids eventually the truth comes out. My parents tried to fool me. Didn't work. I had to go through a lot of therapy to unpack it all. Luckily God heals.

    Don't give up hope Jesus can turn your marriage around. Please, please don't suffer in silence. Get help ASAP

  5. Harper Shelby Thornton says:

    I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Now let me start off by saying that's not what you do, but what Christ did that saves – believe in Him, trust in His death, burial and resurrection to be saved, and you'll have His righteousness imputed to your account. It's nothing of you that can save.

    Now as an "old-fashioned" woman, I do not believe in divorce. What you did is very wrong, needless to day, though I can understand why – this is what those lines in 1 Corinthians talk about, about not defrauding your spouse, and this is why it proceeds to say in "…and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency." But I don't think divorce is the answer. Your kids would be very affected by this. You made vows on your wedding day, one of them being "for better or worse" so if I were you, I'd be strong, and "stick it out" so to speak.

    I seriously cannot understand why your wife cannot enjoy the joys of foreplay. Has she tried? Did she tell you why she's "physically disgusted" by your penis? My husband's turns me on, quite frankly. Maybe she had an upbringing that taught her that sex was something to be ashamed of, which of course we know it isn't, it's the exact opposite. Maybe someone did something bad to her.

    I get how you can feel unloved. I don't know how you managed without sex for 8 months, then 3 years. Did she say anything about her past? It's really sad that she doesn't want to make any effort, and I'm sad to have to say this, but I feel that unless she has unresolved trauma, it's actually rather selfish on her part. It's not fair to you, or to this kids, since they most certainly should learn God's way of marriage.

    Sorry if this was a bit long. Prayerfully consider things that you want to do, and ultimately it's God's way that's best, as He knows what's best for us. He will never leave thee, nor forsake thee (Deuteronomy 31:6) :') God bless you, young man and I'll pray for you all too.

  6. J. G. says:

    I agree with so much that has been said above. As someone who recently discovered their Christian faith, it is wonderful to anticipate a rebirth. But you have significant issues in your marriage, issues that are very unhealthy to a relationship and to the soul. If you were my friend or my son, I would suggest that you get both spiritual guidance from your pastor as well as professional counseling for you and your wife. Professional counseling seems very appropriate, especially if your wife has not joined you in your new found religious commitment. It is not typical to completely forgo touch and sexual pleasure for a simple lack of interest. I would never consider divorce, short of domestic abuse, without a commitment to counseling and an attempt at a more intensive spiritual enlightenment. Find a counselor by talking to your priest or pastor or through your local Christian community. A purely secular counselor, without an understanding of your values, could easily cause additional damage to your relationship. In my mind, there simply are too many variables to give meaningful support based on your short description of the problems. My sense is that the issues for both of you are complex.

  7. B says:

    I see everyone below suggesting counseling, but the OP already IS in counseling and his wife refuses to go. He also said he has repented of the porn addiction, gotten help, done the programs and books, etc. Pretty much everything a guy can do in his situation without the spouse cooperating.

    I've seen this scenario played out time and again. When one partner refuses to get help and the other is sincerely trying, then there is an impasse. Yet the Christian bloggers often say – just pray more, wait more, go back to counseling…

    Yes, a divorce would be hard on your kids. But how is your marriage if you continue in it and your wife doesn't change? Many kids also grow up with a damaged view of marriage bc their parents stayed in/modeled an awful marriage – and that damage is sometimes as bad or worse than when the parents separate. Marriage isn't supposed to be a gotcha trap where you are so stuck in a bad situation that you inwardly pray for your spouse to die of natural causes so you can finally be free.

    Ask yourself why you got married to this woman in the first place? Do you love her? What is left of your marriage to be worth saving? Does she even want you to stick around? Discuss all this with your counselor and then with your wife – maybe if she knows you are contemplating a separation, she will agree to go to counseling with you. Or she may be relieved at the thought.

  8. Adam Rose says:

    Also as a side note I have seen God heal incrediblly broken marriages.
    I have a cousin who married an abusive man. It eventually got so bad she took her children and fled with the help of some very brave Christians.
    Through years of Councing they healed by God's grace and eventually got back together dispite all the naysayers.
    Today they enjoy a very close and fruitful marriage. It's been ten years now and still no relapse.
    It was a dual effort however

  9. Pearl says:

    Hurting people hurt people. Many women survive physical and emotional trauma by lashing out at other people. Pray for spiritual healing for her emotional hurts and get her to talk to someone qualified so that she can face it and heal. Whatever you do, do it in love. May God bless, guide and strengthen you as you seek healing for yourselves, each other and your marriage.

  10. Upcomingauthor says:

    Personally, I agree with everything that @B says. At this point you have done everything world and spiritual possible from what I know of the situation.

    And as well no one has said the biblical reasons for Divorce, cheating and abandonment. A spouse not willing to work on the marriage is abandoning you.

    Now that doesn't excuse what you have done. From what it sounds like this has been only a year journey for you and I wouldn't be looking at this from both points of the issue if I didn't mention it might take more work than what you've already done to make it work. It honestly may take a lot of patient and prayer and you gently reaching out to your wife for her to see that this isn't a fluke, that you're being serious. And sometimes that takes years as some of the other comments have pointed out.

    God can bring us back from anything. And unfortunately this is going to fall down as a decision between you and God. It's going to take prayer and fasting and not just reading books. It's going to take you talking out your issues with someone in the room to get instant feedback because comments here are delayed and you're going to get a lot of opinions at once. It's going to take you being open and honest with your wife, taking her out to dinner and telling her what's on your mind and what you've gone through and really showing her your heart, and not expecting her to reciprocate right away. Talking to your Pastor, talking to a counselor, even if it's by yourself so you can get a direction in how to handle yourself before you can figure out how to handle your marriage.

    I wrestle with the idea of telling your wife you're thinking about divorce. You could. And most of us in your situation would hope that would spark change, or she could be ready to sign right there and who knows what that could do to your mindset. She hasn't brought you any papers for a reason. So it could be a way of opening up and finding out after everything you done, why hasn't she.

    From what I've read, it seems like she has abandoned you, and unfrotuantley you abandoned her first, but you did come back and by the grace of God you are forgiven. From where you are now I would say file because you do have biblical reasons–even if God wants you to stay together and those grounds are only because our hearts are hard.

    But I don't have the full picture only you do. I just hope that you make the right decision for you, for her, and for your kids, because as B and @AdamRose said it could ultimately be worse to stay. This is going to take time and really looking at the whole situation, not just the fact you haven't felt loved. Go back to the beginning, why did you get married? Find out if that reason is still there and if it's savable or if the life in it has been squeezed out.

    I'll say this–you're both still together for some reason. Neither one of you has actually filed, even though now you're thinking about it, you still haven't given up completely. So why did you get married, and why are you still together if its as bad as it seems.

    God bless brother, I hope this helps.

  11. Karen R says:

    I'm so sorry you are going through this. This is not what God intended for marriage. It was created to comfort, provide companionship and physical touch and sexual intimacy are a part of that.

    I'm not sure if your wife was shut down regarding physical affection prior to marriage or not. In some respects it doesn't matter but I wonder if there has been a triggering event such as rape, molestation, poor teaching regarding sex, that has caused your wife to shut down?

    Downright refusal to change or to be open to outside assistance calls for accountability and very strict steps toward repentance. Not sure if you are a member of a church but perhaps elders should be involved. Your wife has some serious issues and they need to lovingly be addressed but continuing to stay in this marriage as it is just hoping for change is naive at best. Stay in counseling and set up accountability steps with the counselor regarding things you wife needs to do. For example, in the next 30 days, she's must agree to couples counseling 1x per week. She needs to agree to individual counseling 1x per week. A good therapist can map out other appropriate steps. These are just suggestions.
    Chronic refusal of sex is a sin although we must have compassion be aide I assume your wife gas in some way been sexually violated or abused. I grieve for you and pray you experience healing. God may not heal the marriage but he will heal you. What you have described is a form of abuse and abandonment. You don't deserve that.
    Repent and make amends for your adultery and addictions. Ask her forgiveness regardless of what she does.

    Blessings to you. What you want is normal and healthy and believe God wants that for you a well. Continue to love your wife but know that loving her doesn't mean chronically subjecting yourself to mistreatment. You can love her and yet say, no more.

  12. gks says:

    What a challenge you have – I feel your pain. Sex is an important part of love. Are you missing intimate feelings of love more than physical affection?

    As @sswriters said: porn creates an unhealthy and unrealistic view of sex. You may have to rethink what is ingrained and unconscious from years of distorted, selfish sex. Perhaps the messages you're sending are what you want her to do for you. Good sex is more about giving than receiving.

    What about if you go on a one year journey with a goal to make her happy and give everything for her. Forget about getting sex from her for now. Don't ask for or expect anything in return. Let it be one sided if it feels that way. Just as Christ gave himself for the church, you give yourself for her and your marriage. Ephesians 5:25-28 (for now overlook the prior verses).

    It is worth it. Try to save your marriage. If she can see your selflessness over time she will begin to reciprocate. At some point when she's ready and not before or when you want her to be, you may have an honest conversation that you would like her to feel deeper love. Perhaps just wait for her to come to you. She will as she feels your unconditional love for her.

    You can do it! You've already done amazing things to change and accept God. It's worth it. You will begin to feel as Jesus feels and experience his love for you and your wife.

  13. FTD says:

    Oh dear. Please get counseling (good, solid Christ-centered bible-centered counseling). I might be in a minority to say this, but God hates divorce. I don't know all your details but Jesus does. If you're His and your spouse is His, He has your back. It may not be easy but He wants you both very deeply.

    "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it to the day of Christ Jesus.". This is true for both of you. This isn't a band-aid, it's the truth and a promise from our God. It's His word to us.

  14. PacMan says:

    I do not think you can get divorced to the glory of God, as you describe. I believe your kids will never learn what you call "Biblical marriage" if it is rooted in divorcing your wife. I believe what your kids REALLY need is the example of a Godly husband and father! Your kids will understand God's love by one day saying "Even though my father was in a loveless marriage, he poured out forgiveness, compassion, kindness, love, and generosity towards my mother each day. He was faithful against all odds, and now I know what Biblical marriage really is?" If this is not the example you are living out before your kids, then please don't use God's glory as a tool to feed your bitterness. I'm sorry for shooting straight. If you had just said "I'm not thankful, unhappy, and bitter, and I want to make a selfish decision and leave my wife…" I would probably be more empathetic. But trying to frame this as a Biblically-centered decision just pushed me over the edge.

  15. FTD says:

    Dear Repented,

    I'm the F part of FTD. I read your post and can feel your pain, but divorce is not the way. There is already a great deal of solid advice here for you. Get your focus off self and go more deeply with Jesus, who is your LORD.

    My wife got me turned on to something called the "30-Day Kindness Challenge". The author is Shaunti Feldhahn. Get the book and take the challenge. Do it beyond the 30 days and do it freely and willingly, not expecting anything in return. That's a great way to show Jesus your love for Him and for your wife.

    We're praying for you. Do it God's way and you're doing it the right way.

    Peace, honor, and strength.

  16. 532jky@hmamail.com says:

    Is your wife a born again Christian? If not, provision is made to divorce the unequally yoked marriage. However if the non-believing spouse is content to dwell with you, you are not to leave as someday she and your children may become believers. The salvation of your children is the most important item. If they find out at some later date that you have been unfauithfull again to their mother it will have a devastating affect on them.
    Now for her problems that I believe have contributed to your inability to control yourself. She is not responsible for your actions, but, Scripture says do not deprive one another less you open the door for satan. She has been depriving you of what God has said is proper for a marriage. All women and men must learn that to give themselves to their spouse without love is abuse of their spouse. The gift of sex should be done as though you were giving yourself to Jesus as a wife or a female image of Jesus or just for this writing 'Mary'. I know Mary is not the proper theological image, just couldn't think of another Biblical female image that could be used as a metaphor. You need to ask her if she was abused or raped when she was a child. Ask her where she learned about sex. Perhaps some preacher taught her wrongly. I once heard a cable preacher tell his congregation on TV that oral sex was a sin, I have also heard of women and men going to retreats where preachers have taught that masturbation is a sin. It is no wonder that so many of us have a wrong idea about married sex.
    If your wife refuses to go to counceling I suspect that she may be afraid to face whatever has happened to her that has made sex dirtyor fearfull.
    The churches have taught wrongly that all explicit sex video and nudity is porn. If you look at some of the latest research, porn does not have the same affect and or effect on the brain that addiction does. It also has been shown that one who tires of or quits watching it returns to normal sexual desires eventually. Some people can watch it without it becoming a driving habit that overwhelms them. You probably are not one of those though and so must refrain entirely. Now let me say that I would re-label any sexual act that was depicted that did not follow the model of one man and one woman only as bad porn.
    There is a story on the forum called 'Honey Suckle Dew' that talks about a wife finding her husband watching porn and what she found out was the reason. Most women have been taught to be appalled at finding their husbands watching porn, I have known many married couples who have watched heterosexual porn together without it affecting their marriage negatively. Explicit video and pictures can serve as a learning tool or how to idea manual for a married couple, but they must approach it the right way. There are videos that can teach a couple new tricks as long as they watch them together. The devil's job is to shame us by having us watch this stuff alone. The man or woman feels guilty and so must clearly be disrespecting their spouse. The wife if she catches the husband is further trained to feel hurt. He is looking at naked women, 'aren't I enough' ! No-one has taught them that the women in the video's are not real to most men and have nothing to do with our desire for sex with our wives. So, the devil shames them and they then shame their husbands. I don't know about most women that watch real loving explicit video, but I bet most husbands would not feel shamed. Most men would sit and watch it with their wives and not feel inadequate even if the guy was bigger than them. We are not endoctrinated with the same insecure body image as women.
    The problem with a frigid wife is that she leaves her husband to self stimulation and masturbation to relieve his biology. Believe me, a man without some kind of relief could and will have wet dreams and or ejaculation at very inappropriate times. A wet dream can happen anywhere at any time at any age. He can wake up wet next to his wife, it could happen at a massage parlor, in a student union, at a men's retreat, a non porn love movie, anywhere! Then he is embarassed with a wet sticky spot on the front of his pants possibly in public.
    The problem with this whole marriage mess is that neither spouse will take any responsibility for their own actions. The husband is unfaithfull, she takes no blame. He was just supposed to go through life masturbating alone till death do they part.
    Did she tell you before you were married that sex twice a year was too much for her?
    There is one other thing that comes to mind. Is she in love with someone else? Did she marry you for security and a family but not for love? Ask her.
    Did she mislead you about what sex would be like after marriage? My wife lied to me! Before we were married she said oral sex was definitely possible. After marriage once every 5 years if I am lucky and even then she feels like she is expected or forced. The other 'normal' sex is just as infrequent. No husband wants to feel that he has to force.. I almost have the same issue that you do for 20+ years. They work it and word in such a way that they make you too blame. The difference is that I have not been unfaithfull, maybe because I am older I can do without easier. Prayer has not worked and she is a Bible student, she just ignores 1Corinthians 7:1-5 in my opinion. She has '0' sexual imagination. She does respond though to hour long massage 'maybe'. Caught her faking it which destroyed me. Now we have a house full of people with little or no privacy.

  17. Loved by my Wife says:

    This is harsh, but, you are the one who committed adultery.
    You have no grounds for divorce. If you are a christian, do not divorce. Moreover, It is not better to divorce – especially for your kids. For the sake of your kids, PRAISE GOD your wife has not divorced you. If you love your kids, stay in the marriage.

    Your wife is being completely unreasonable, but you cannot make someone else stop sinning – imagine if God did that.
    What can you do? Don't let your wife pretend that you are happily married & make sure your kids know how you guys got here & help them learn to do better.
    My parents stopped loving each other before i was born. Life was MUCH better when they were unhappily married and it would have been nice if they would have told me why I never wanted my relationship to look like theirs.

  18. Trucker 53 says:

    I'm sorry to hear about your plight my friend. It sounds like your wife has a strictly procreative view of sex. Now that she has the kids, you're no longer needed. Example, no sex for three years. She also doesn't see herself as the one with the problem, but views you as flawed. Example, refusal to seek out counseling to help your marriage. This sounds very religious to me. My brother in law has the same issue. After two kids, no more sex. Like mother like daughter.

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