PE Advice Please

I've been married for almost three years and sex has been okay, but few and far between. One problem I have is not lasting very long; I feel like Jim from American Pie. My wife is on birth control, so we ride bareback, no condoms. We tried the climax control condoms, but they made me so numb I couldn't get stimulated enough to stay hard.

I was not a virgin when we married. I only mention that because I have not always had this issue. When I was younger, I could last a decent length of time. But with my wife, I enter her and it's almost like instant climax. I can give her maybe a minute or two of action.

When we first got married, we had sex multiple times a week, sometimes daily. It seemed to help make me last longer after a few days, but still not as long as I used to when I was younger. I remember lasting at least 30 minutes and sometimes more than an hour. My wife is lucky if I can last 15 minutes. We have toys for her, and I often use them either before I enter or after I cum. She can at least get satisfied that way.

I've tried edging. I would jack off almost to climax and stop to calm down, then repeat a few times until you can't help but climax. But that didn't work. Neither did male Kegel exercises that involve controlling and holding the urine stream for a short time.

Any ideas or suggestions would be appreciated to help make me last longer and not climax so quickly. I would like to enjoy longer sex sessions with my wife and I'm sure she would prefer it as well.

5.00 avg. rating (97% score) - 6 votes
20 replies
  1. hornyGG says:

    Red,
    Have you tried jacking off thirty minutes or so before engaging in sex with your wife? Doing so will take the edge off and help with endurance. Also you can always pleasure your wife orally or manually and make her cum before entering her. That way she can be satisfied even if you do fire your fun gun off a little early. These are a couple of ideas that I came up with after reading up on the subject of P.E.
    Anyway, hope this helps darlin. God bless and Stay horny always!

    😘 GG

  2. Dale3 says:

    Dude .......I don't mean to be a wiseguy, but you're so hot for your wife, you cum immediately ?? How lucky to be married to such a hottie, yes? Back before my wife took ill, there were times that happened to me.... didn't even get it out of my shorts. I came getting her off !! She LOVED that. She knew it meant I was hot for her!!

    Have you tried pre-gaming?? Don't know what your recovery time is, but say it's an hour...You get off an hour ahead of time, then the two of you get back together.

    And you could go for an hour before?? You lucky ba*&^%!* I have never been able to last 15`minutes, either!!! Best of luck, my friend !!

    • Red says:

      In reply to lasting up to an hour, remembering back that far, I think what I was counting was the whole session starting with foreplay until we stop satisfied.

  3. CrazyHappyLoved says:

    Good advice! Another possibility would be for your wife to give you a blowjob for a quick orgasm, followed by your ministrations to her until you are ready for action again. It should work as well as masturbating but has the added benefit of the sexually exciting activity perhaps shortening your refractory period.

    The love you display in continuing to seek her pleasure after your own orgasm is heartwarming to read about. I love it when Rez is still hot for my pleasure even after he cums.

    And can I just say that 15 minutes is nothing to sneeze at? Sometimes that is just the right amount of time, especially for a first round. I encourage you to keep playing and not let fears of inadequacy depress your ability to get aroused again. If it's over in a jiffy, you could tell her, "Don't worry, baby. I'm just getting warmed up. I'll be ready for seconds by the time I make you cum too. If not, I bet your lips on my cock will fix it."

  4. Slinger says:

    Personally, I think this is a beautiful entry. Your desire to please your wife and enjoy her longer is heartwarming. Also, if you last longer with her giving you handjobs or blowjobs, you can enjoy those to prolong your experience with her. 69 is a good position for mutual satisfaction in that scenario. And btw, as a woman it is amazing to know that you are so hot and satisfying to your husband that he can’t control himself. So just relax and enjoy making love with your wife. Make sure you both finish and hold her afterward. And if it’s an option, always go for round two!! 😊

  5. New Wife says:

    So in some positions and when we want to have extended time together, like date night, we'll use a few squirts of K-Y Duration. The nice thing about this is that my husband can last as long as we both want and since he's not at all stressed about finishing too soon, he can really enjoy our time together. In addition to that, I like that he doesn't need to take any breaks or pauses which sometimes can happen at the worst time!

  6. PatientPassion says:

    You mentioned you tried kegel exercises. When you did those, was it always while urinating? Doing them that way probably makes for short exercise sessions that lack the intensity or duration needed to train and strengthen your PC muscle enough to have any noticeable effect.

    Another exercise that's less well known is the reverse kegel, and I would suggest trying some of those too. They help the PC muscle to relax, which should keep the urge to ejaculate in check.

    I'm still single, but I sympathize with your situation. In my own self-exploration I feel like I usually get to the point of climax too fast. I've noticed that when my PC muscle contracts, it pushes me noticeably closer to ejaculating. In fact, in some circumstances when I go too fast and my PC muscle contracts a lot, it can actually make me ejaculate a tiny bit before reaching orgasm (whereas usually I would reach orgasm, then begin ejaculating a few seconds later). Additionally, when I intentionally flex my PC muscle, I can bring myself to the point of climax very quickly. However, when I'm able to keep that muscle relaxed, I last noticably longer. Maybe still not as long as I would prefer, but it's a real improvement. I say this to illustrate that, through personal experience, I know that keeping the PC muscle relaxed plays a role in lasting longer. I haven't been consistent or focused enough in using kegels and reverse kegels to make a real and lasting difference, but my experiences tell me it's very possible!

    A couple of articles by Nat Eliason, though written from a non-Christian point of view, were very helpful to me in learning how a lot of this stuff works. I'd suggest looking up "Nat Eliason reverse kegels" and/or "Nat Eliason lasting longer" and see what you think. He's not the final authority on the subject, obviously, but I think his articles are a good introduction to this topic.

    I hope this helps, and thank you for the reminder to get back to work on these exercises myself! 🙂

  7. ArtRutherford says:

    Thanks for sharing. Wait till you've been married 40 years. It's a different story. (But I digress)

    I had the same problem when younger. Try the "round two" option. (Or, round three or four, if needed) That way SHE is satisfied, you've gotten it over with and now the only thing to do is cuddle and love on each other.

  8. Southernheat says:

    It’s so sweet how you want to please your wife and how hot you are for her. Bring her to orgasm orally then if you finish quicker than you want to just go down and finger her gspot as long as she wants! Some of my most intense orgasms are after he has cum inside me and then begins fingering his warm cum inside me it sends me over the edge in a big way as he stokes my gspot.

  9. HeSaid-SheSaid says:

    I am going to approach this from a slightly different viewpoint. First I want to ask, 'What is your goal in lasting longer inside your wife'? Are you hoping to bring her to orgasm from Penis in Vagina (PIV) sex? Is this what she is asking for? Are you trying to give her multiple O's? If you have a belief that a satisfying orgasm needs to happen from PIV sex, then please read on.

    Many people have already suggested you bring her to orgasm in different ways. ie: fingers, oral, etc. That would be my suggestion too. Bring her to orgasm, maybe several O's, from different kinds of stimulation. And then, when she is saying she is satisfied, you enter her and kaboom! And if she is still hot enough, maybe that will trigger another for her.

    Female orgasm from PIV sex is actually the exception and not the rule. Many, many women cannot orgasm from PIV sex alone. Yet, orgasm from PIV sex has/was set up on a cultural pedestal as being the way to go. Twenty-five plus years ago when I was a teen, the first real book I read about sex was written by some famous Christian author. He taught that the ultimate married sexual experience and goal for every couple should be mutual climax from PIV sex. This was the viewpoint taught to my wife and many of my peers at the time, which I think is terrible. There was mention of foreplay, a little talk about oral, but most of the emphasis was on orgasm from PIV sex for both partners.

    This kind of teaching nearly destroyed our sex life. We had all these expectations that never came true. Not once in 25 years of marriage has my wife had on orgasm simply from me thrusting my dick in and out of her. Yet, we were convinced that was what needed to happen, and we got very frustrated with our sex life.

    What we should have been taught instead was that sex is hugging, kissing, fondling, dry humping, caressing, oral, heavy petting, etc, and that orgasm from these methods is perfectly acceptable. Had we known that, the pressure would have been taken off of us and we could simply relax and enjoy our sex life and make leaps and bounds forward rather than feeling like we were spinning our wheels and going nowhere.

    • Red says:

      I think my goal in lasting longer is just for us to enjoy each other longer. In reading all the comments, my thoughts on what our sex life is, compared to how I was in the past, what is lacking is foreplay. I enjoyed the caressing and teasing of the women in my past, but my wife doesn't like it much. She prefers to just do it quick and move on. Maybe we could try for round 2 in the future. I think that if we had it more often it might help too. Once every couple months in my opinion is too few.

  10. Bigfoot says:

    Try over lubricating. Over the past 38 years I have found use of a lot of supplemental lubrication has reduced the friction and made me last much longer. We have used many different lubes and have found that none works as well as coconut oil. It also has the side benefit of little to no taste making it great for oral foreplay as well.

  11. Seshiondc says:

    Butt plug and cock ring have helped me with stamina. Also it could be an anxiety/emotional issue. Has your stress increased recently related to work or relational conflict? I would also research diet. Food has a great impact on our overall wellness.

  12. seXcaliber says:

    Several things. Thank you for the transparent and honest post. There is nothing wrong with wanting to last longer. Especially when you did in the past. I had some real problems throughout our 25 years. When I was young I could last 30 or even 45 minutes of actual thrusting penis in vagina. In my 50s I could not do that without help (SSRI's like Celexa and Zoloft actually have a side effect of making it hard to climax. Of course, Viagra can help also.) I found out a few years ago I was low testosterone and since I got that fixed, things have been a lot better for me. Thank God, my wife is much better at relaxing and enjoying it and now it only takes us about 20 minutes, including foreplay. But sometimes I do wish the actual lovemaking lasted a little longer just to enjoy the pleasure of it.

    But honestly, after reading your post and your replies, I think something else is going on. Your wife not wanting to have sex even once in a month is a HUGE problem in my opinion. Everyone is different, but let's face it. That's fewer than 12 times a YEAR!

    Without knowing more about you or your situation I can make some educated guesses.
    1. Her hormones are out of whack. (usually treatable, but may take some time to figure out cause and effect)
    2. She is not nearly attractive as she once was. Either she let herself go and gained a bunch of weight, or possibly had some sort of surgery or accident that left her scarred in some way. Bottom line, she doesn't feel attractive. (very hard for a woman to get excited about sex when she can't imagine anyone being excited about being with her)
    3. You are not nearly attractive as you one were. (same possibilities as above. We like to think women are above physical attraction but it's just not true. They may have different priorities than men, but ultimately all other things being equal they would choose to have their spouse physically fit rather than not.)
    4. You or she has changed spiritually dramatically and she no longer feels connected to you. One of you perhaps made a commitment to the church or to Christ and the other wasn't that excited about it. Or perhaps one of you had an affair in the past or was abusive and you are trying to get past it, but there is unforgiveness on either side. Love and passion cannot thrive without an atmosphere of forgiveness.
    5. God forbid, she is presently having an affair and she either feels horrible about it or is so completely committed to it that she has written off any possibility of coming back to you emotionally. (I do pray that this is not the case. I'm only guessing at reasons for her total lack of desire for sex, and particularly not wanting the foreplay. That is usually what women crave most of all, the affection and loving.)

    The possible solutions are pretty straightforward, but they may take time. If one or both of you is chemically imbalanced, you need to be tested and get your hormones and chemistry back into healthy levels. If one or both of you has physically gotten to the point where you don't feel attractive and/or are not physically attracted to the other, then you will need to commit to lifestyle changes (diet and working out) that will bring your body back to health. Please don't take that as a suggestion that you have to be supermodels. Most men and women don't expect that of their spouse. But if you have become obese since you married when you were a healthy weight before, you are not showing your spouse that you respect them or respect yourself. Finally, if either of you have walked away from God and perhaps your spiritual life has become cold then this could be a contributing factor. Being right with God and with your spouse are huge turn-ons in Christian marriage.

    I wish you all the best. I hope you will find relief to your situation and God will bring you through it with a stronger marriage and a stronger faith.

    God bless, and feel free to keep the comments rolling. You are not the first person who have told me a similar story. So I know there are others reading who could benefit. There is definitely hope.

    • CrazyHappyLoved says:

      Then there is also just the business of life, and tiredness after fulfilling all other commitments, especially if you have kids who still need a lot of supervision. It's can be hard to remember to give a high priority to meeting the physical needs of our spouse- even of ourselves! If you can agree that its important to your marriage to keep the fires burning, maybe you can set aside one night a week to just concentrate on each other?

    • seXcaliber says:

      CHL I agree. Kids and jobs and stresses and life can definitely put a damper on libido. But only wanting it once every couple of months is beyond any of that in my opinion.

      I’m not a dr or counselor by trade so my opinion is only mine but it really sounds like something is going really wrong for this couple and I pray they are able to figure it out.

      Thanks for your good thoughts.

    • HeSaid-SheSaid says:

      I too became a little concerned when Red mentioned the frequency of sex and lack of desire for foreplay on his wife's part. Now for some people, it is completely normal to only have sex once a month or so, but I'm sure glad it's not me. But to not enjoy foreplay sends up some warning flags as foreplay is a crucial part of sex for women.

      But I can understand what Red is saying now about maybe being able to last longer if they had sex more often. Waiting so long would certainly get me super excited when the time finally came, and blowing my load rather quick too I would imagine. A friend of mine had a similar problem recently. You see, he owned two houses 5 hours apart. Their kids went to school in a much larger center that gave them more opportunities, so they bought the second house and his wife moved there to take care of the kids while he stayed back where his work was. Their relationship was also strained, and sex became non-existent for awhile and divorce even threatened by her. But after the kids were graduated, they sold the house and she moved back home, and sex thankfully resumed. He told me he might need to get some viagra because he now suffered pre-mature ejaculation after being sexually absent from his wife for so long. I'll have to ask him how he's doing now that several months have passed.

    • Red says:

      Here is more background to help. My wife has been taking anti depressants since she was 16 or 17, so over a decade. He dad abused her mentally as a child. She is obese and currently working with a dietitian to help lose weight. She was like this when I meet her. It does make many positions difficult so our go to is doggie as it is the easiest for entry for us. She probably doesn't feel very attractive herself.
      Her job is working at a preschool watching 1-2 year olds. She does get worn out by a lot of her job as she is also supposed to plan lessons and make observations.
      Stress levels for me are pretty low, but she is pretty stressed all the time.
      Our spirituality is I go to church every week, she doesn't. She did go to church as a kid, so believes in God.
      I work two jobs to help make ends meet and to try to get ahead on our debt. My main job is is gold smith, just learning for almost a year at it. It is a weekday 8:30-4:30 job. My second part time job is stocking chips for Frito-lay. I get up early mon, wed, fri for 2 hrs before my regular job, and fri, sat, sun I stock the main aisle I the afternoon for 3 hrs. My physical health is pretty good, my weight has been maintained. I haven't had hormones checked, but I really don't like to seen Drs unless I'm really sick, or injured.
      Affairs are not happening.

    • seXcaliber says:

      Red, that is a lot happening. You are correct. I pray for you. I’m glad no affairs are going on. Obesity can really be a downer in many ways. Physically it makes sex harder because it pushes you further apart. Mentally you don’t feel attractive so it’s difficult to “get into it”. And it also is likely contributing to a lot of chemical, emotional, and structural problems (pain in joints, etc.)

      From all that is said, your PE seems a perfectly rational response to everything going on in your life and your wife’s.

      I would encourage you to take this time to work on your relationship with the Lord. Really make an effort to love Him and be obedient and also to really work on being emotionally close to your wife.

      I’m afraid I don’t hold out much hope of her attitude changing unless she starts making progress and feeling better about herself. Her job sounds very demanding and I have all respect for folks who work with kids all day.

      Thanks for trusting us to give you advice. God bless your efforts to make your marriage strong.

  13. HeSaid-SheSaid says:

    Hi Red, thanks for sharing more info. Two things I want to say. First, I am currently reading "She comes first" by Ian Kerner. Ian states right away his issues with PE and how that led him to learn more about physical pleasure and pleasuring women and how it helped his condition. Lots of good info there. If you haven't read it, give it a try.
    Second, try listening with your wife to the podcast "Sexy Marriage Radio" by Dr. Corey Allan. Lots of good info on there for the both of you.
    I will leave it at that. My prayers go out for you too.

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