I Don’t Know What Happened

Hi! I am a 36-year-old male that has been happily married for 10 years now. My wife is beautiful, witty, and extremely funny. I love her dearly. We have two wonderful children (5 & 6). I love my family with everything I am. God has truly blessed me. Neither my wife nor I were virgins when we married, and we also had sex with each other before our marriage. As much as I wish I could take that back, I knew she would be my forever love. Anyways, moving along here. Sex before our children was great. Still is great. Of course back then, we had many more opportunities then than we do now. Life is in high gear for our little family at the moment.

My wife has never had a “high” libido like mine. But we would have what I call regular sex (1-2x per week). The last 18 months have been different, however. Many times when I would try to initiate sex, she would refuse. Normal reasons….too tired, work stress, etc. In the last six months, however, I have gotten to the point where I no longer pursue her. If we have sex, it has been at her request. Honestly, I am just discouraged. When we do have sex, it’s amazing– hot and intense. But really I think she could have it once a month and be satisfied. We have discussed this issue several times, and it almost always turns into an argument.

I know she is a wife, mother, and employed full time. Like I said, life is busy. I feel, in our family context, she is highly connected. She is a fantastic, loving mother. But when it comes to our marriage, there is no passion. Most days, I feel as if we are roommates just along together in life. It hurts. I feel lonely and deprived of her love. I see how she kisses and cuddles our children and find myself longing for the same. I would greatly appreciate your thoughts and advice. Should I just lay my heart out to her again? As the husband, I would agree that it is largely my responsibility to keep the flame of passion burning. What would you suggest? This is my first post here at Marriage Heat.

I look forward to the future writing about the hot sexual encounters of my wife and me! God bless!

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16 replies
  1. Okiegal says:

    As a woman with 5 children (3 mine, 2 his—all grown now), I also worked in a high-stress full-time job and felt much like your wife. It was like from the minute I woke up until the minute I went to sleep SOMEBODY needed something from me, and unfortunately, my libido plunged to zero. However, what I found helped more than anything else is when my husband helped cook, clean, do dishes and laundry, etc….THAT made me feel move loved and appreciated than anything else he could do during that time in our lives. Secondly, after two children, her hormones could be a little out of balance. It never hurts to have those checked. At this point, she probably feels like this is “just the way it is” and if it is partially hormones (though I suspect its more likely just exhaustion), it could make a difference. Lastly, now that we are empty-nesters in our 50’s, our sex life is SO much better than ever before. Life has seasons, and some of them sure are challenging! Good luck to you.

  2. undeservinggrace says:

    Been there. Done that. Three decades later, our kids are now adults, and we have learned a lot. We are closer than ever, but we have even more to learn.

    My advice? Ask, seek, and knock. Those who ask, receive. Those who seek, find. And to those who knock, the door will be opened. Be patient. And keep loving your family! Blessings.

  3. LovingMan says:

    Sorry for your situation. We had something similar so we saw a marriage/sex therapist. This got us talking. I also have a much stronger sex drive than my beautiful wife. We saw the therapist a few times then worked out a compromise together at home. In a busy world and/or when your marriage has a desire discrepancy, then scheduled sex is a good idea. You two need to talk it out. Our solution won’t be yours but maybe it will help. Here is OUR compromise:

    Day 1. Full sex or love making session as we call it. Wife uses a vibrator during the fun, including during intercourse. We both have orgasms
    Day 2. Wife helps me have an orgasm via some method like stimulating my nipples as I masturbate or erotic massage
    Day 3. Quickie sex where I come but she does not usually choose to go for an orgasm. She sometimes decides to go for the orgasm. We use lots of lube always but especially on Quickie days.
    Day 4. Same as Day 2, wife helps me come.
    Day 5. Same as day 1 or full lovemaking session with both of us coming.
    On these full lovemaking days, she is usually raring to go for it. I love that.

    Sometimes the wife will surprise me with a surprise out-of-schedule lovemaking session. I really love those surprises. It is important to be flexible such as when illness happens, (like yeast infection) but we both agree to not go off schedule without a good valid reason.

    I hope this helps you and your wife.

  4. Rab Keth says:

    So, what I'm going to say is probably going to sound REALLY counter-intuitive on a Christian Erotica hot hot sexy site that is intended to kindle passion. However…I think it's worth it to lay it out there. I've been in a similar situation to yours. Mine was complicated by abuse in my wife's past but there are some cross overs.
    The biggest thing I can say is that I had to stop looking at sex as the point of a marriage, as the ideal. As anyone who has dated a crazy toxic girl can tell you…the frequency of sex is not necessarily an indicator of healthy relationship.
    Lots of people talk about how the "passion dies" in a relationship as soon as your married. We already know that isn't actually true given the amount of posting that goes on here. We get into a comparison trap some times and say "Well…this couple on here seem to have amazing sex all the time…why can't I?" and we get into a terrible place where we wrap our identity, our feeling of self-worth around our sex life…and we, as Christians, are NEVER intended to do that. We are meant to wrap our entire identity and self-worth around Jesus. When that isn't where it is meant to be we can become resentful and bitter because we start thinking about how things USED to be or how things COULD be and why aren't my "needs" being met and what can I do about it/who can I blame. Jesus is all-sufficient. We have a Father in heaven who KNOWS our needs before we do and can and will provide for them…even when it comes to sexual needs. Sometimes we need to get our selves out of the way and learn contentment without it. Sometimes we need to remember that intimacy is more than sexual intercourse. Sometimes affection without any expectation of sex is even better and more profitable for our relationship. We are called to serve our spouses and sometimes that is a season of not "servicing" our spouses or being "serviced".
    And that's OK.
    There is a path and we are being perfected along that path by the Holy Spirit. Figure out where your heart is, where you are getting your identity from, and talk to Him.
    And I say this as a guy who hasn't had sex with his wife for three months and that's ok. We are doing AMAZING in the relationship department without resentment, anger, frustration, bitterness, or feeling neglected.

  5. tdx30 says:

    From what you just described Lucky Larry, it seems obvious that fatigued has drained away any sexual energy that might have been there had your lovely wife not been burdened with a full time job as well as being a full time mom. The stresses and pressures of excelling in both, according to today's cultural standards, require enormous emotional energy. At the end of her 14 hour day, there is little room left for romance mainly because her thoughts have been preoccupied with what she would consider critical tasks that take precedence over sex. I would suggest, #1) don't argue over this again since it only creates more stress, something she certainly does not need. #2) Start taking the lion's share of the household duties on yourself. When she sees you folding the laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming, and above all else getting the dishes done with the help of your 5 and 6 year-old children, then getting them bathed and ready for bed, she will notice. This is love in action that speaks volumes. As a general rule, neither spouse should be doing chores while the other is relaxing. #3) the children ought to be in bed by 8 p.m. at their age. The evening belongs to the two of you. See if your lovely can agree to this routine. #4) Turn T.V. off. You think watching today's news or programs does anything to spark sexual feelings? Not really. And it is a huge time killer. #5) Know that women, in general, are aroused by words of affection and affirmation. You want foreplay that leads to sex? Start with hugs and whispers first. Then don't be disappointed if it doesn't lead to sex. She may have to fill her love bucket first and when that gets filled she will be more inclined to chase you to the bedroom. Depending on how empty that love bucket is, this may take days or weeks of filling. #6) When she is in the mood for sex, make it all about her and her needs. Surprise her even. Don't expect or even pursue intercourse. Give her multiple orgasms during lovemaking using your tongue and encouraging her to use a vibrator. If she thinks that your focus is all on her and not about your need to "get off" she will be astounded at your selflessness. What a turn-on emotionally for her. If she asks why you don't want penetration, tell her you want to save a little passion for next time. Your sex drive decreases substantially after your orgasm, and gradually increases until it starts to peak 3 days later. If you deny yourself one orgasm, your sex drive and hunger for her will stay constant and actually increase. She will notice. #7) Don't believe the myth that sex has to be spontaneous. If you waited for spontaneity you may wait a very long time. After ministering to your wife as I described, most likely she will be in the mood for sex more often. At that point, discuss having a regular appointment for selfless sex say every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 8 or 9 p.m. I hope these suggestions are helpful. What you described above would be what I call "Red flags". Don't let this go on any longer. She's a treasure. Make her feel she is.

  6. Proverbial1 says:

    Little to add to this excellent advice.

    I remember years ago reading a letter written by Susannah Wesley to her son, John Wesley about children and household. She had a well-oiled machine with nineteen (? I think?) children. Those children worked in the house.

    Today it seems easy to become enslaved to the children and to their over-done schedules. Heck, fire, put them young-uns to doin' chores and helping, and do it early. As already mentioned, YOU can help, but SO CAN THEY.

  7. PatientPassion says:

    There's some good advice from others here already, especially about making time to spend together and doing what you can to take some of the stress off of your wife.

    I'm a single guy, so since I can't share from experience, I want to recommend a resource I've found helpful in preparing myself for marriage: it's called the Naked Marriage Podcast. Their branding is largely centered on sex, but the host couple has LOTS of other great advice. For your situation, I would especially recommend episodes 6, 17, 24, 25, 31 and 35, though all the other ones are good too.

    One thing they mention on the podcast (I think in episode 35) is that the less you have sex, the less you want it. This could be part of the problem for both of you. I'm not sure what scientific basis there is for this, but it makes sense. After all, whatever you do regularly, you're more likely to keep doing regularly. Habits reinforce themselves, whether they're habits of action or habits of neglect/avoidance.

    I also want to echo the advice given to make time for each other. Except for God, your spouse is the most important person in your life. You and your wife NEED to make each other a priority! Do whatever you can to make sure you have one-on-one time to relax and connect. It doesn't need to lead to sex, and sometimes it shouldn't! It's good for both of you to just be together for the sake of being together without any pressure to have sex. But you have to be intentional about making that time a priority!

    Some of the other podcast episodes that might help with that are episode 18 about doing date nights on a budget, episode 23 on taking initiative to make changes, episode 28 about encouragement for those in times of struggle in marriage, and episode 33 on the importance of having and displaying a thriving marriage for your kids. That last one is especially important if a lot of time is going into the kids' care and activities. Spending time on your marriage is a way of caring for them too!

    Finally, I would encourage you to take a serious look at other things that could be causing issues. Look into potential hormone imbalances (for BOTH of you, since it sounds like you're both low-drive now), and intentionally look for ways to minimize stress. Cut unnecessary things from your schedule, handle your finances wisely to minimize stress there, and overall, prioritize what's most important: God, then your marriage, then your family!

    I hope this helps! I pray God works in your marriage to restore it to be a thriving relationship!

  8. J. G. says:

    We are long past the hectic years of early child rearing. I think married life continues to possess challenges and joys. During those draining days of keeping track of kids, the stresses of first establishing a career and then moving forward, the unrelenting home work on top of it all, I’m amazed we found sexual moments that we look back on fondly. We did. Those memories provide current fantasies. My only advice is to focus on her. Listen, touch hands, hug, kiss her on the lips and frequently elsewhere, make sure she knows that she is sexy, give her orgasms with none expected in return to help with her stress, stroke her. Do the dishes, pray together and with the kids. Make date night a priority, even if it just a walk to a secluded spot. Masturbate dreaming you’re in her mouth, or elsewhere. Enjoy the sex and express gratitude for her during those intimate moments. Be confident that she loves you and express your love frequently by act, by touch and with your words. I think every marriage goes through rough spots, especially sexually. When I changed my attitude and tried to focus on her, not ignoring my needs, things seemed to work themselves out. It has never been perfect, not even close, but it has been a nice ride.

  9. Man With a Plan says:

    Can I just take a moment to compliment this community? Man, there is some really great advice here. Love the way people come out to help a couple in need. You guys delivered on this one.

    I don't have much more to add, but I'd like to share a resource I read the other day. My wife and I talked about it afterward, and we both thought it was incredibly helpful for understanding the female sex drive. The resource is Step One in the article "How to Turn a Girl On" on the Bad Girl's Bible website. This particular section is on how to remove the barriers to her wanting sex. A lot of this was echoed by those of you who already weighed in, but this maybe just takes things a little bit deeper. It's pretty comprehensive.

  10. Flying Hubby says:

    Great info here, I’m only going to encourage, we were in a bad way and I was frustrated. Church offered marriage counseling and we participated for years. Still have ups and downs but using some of this great advice offered and praying together got us through those hard times and now I know it was all worth it. Still have that beautiful wife and boy have we both changed and our sex life is great. It’s worth it.

  11. ILoveMarriage says:

    Hi!

    Did anything happen 18 months ago — new job, death in the family, etc.? That was 3 1/2 years after the birth of your last baby. Things should be getting easier.

  12. YumYum says:

    Communication causing an argument is certainly frustrating. Lay your heart out in front of her. Good & bad . What you both once had may have slowed down with all you both have to deal with. Cowboy up ! Your family is your number one priority. And vice versa for your wife. It looks like she puts you children first & you in the background. Tell her what you need from her & give her what she needs from you. Compromise & communicate. Make the time for one another. Enjoy some private time that is set aside only for you & your wife. Find the problem & fix it. She is your Lady & you are her Man. She should give herself to you as you should her. Feed her all you have. Good luck !!

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