Sexual midlife crisis??

I’m looking for some advice. My husband and I have been married for almost 18 years. We both were virgins when we married. Unfortunately, I was on the pill for the first two years, which really impacted my sex drive. I realized this wasn’t normal and got off birth control after talking with a friend about our experience.

Since that time, my husband doesn’t really go out of his way to flirt with me or “spice things up” in the bedroom. When I ask him about this, he’s like, “Well, I was used to being shot down.” I’ve responded THAT WAS 16 YEARS AGO!!! I am usually the one suggesting “new things” or buying toys.

As I’m approaching 40, I feel like I’m not sexy enough, or he’s not attracted to me even though, when we are making love, he does tell me how much he is attracted to me. I’ve flat out asked him to buy me lingerie he’d like to see me in, or what he’d like to do in the bedroom fantasy-wise, and he always says, “I just like you naked” or “I just like having sex with you; I don’t really have any scenario in mind.”

Maybe I am just more creative than he is in the bedroom, but it comes across as him being uninterested. Any suggestions?? I’ve even sent him links from here to give him some inspiration, but nothing seems to help.

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6 replies
  1. TPC-2 says:

    Appreciate your post. My wife and I have been married 26+ years and have good sex on a regular and consistent basis. That being said, we have had seasons where sex is not easy. It has taken commitment, patience and work to navigate those seasons. What happened sexually early in your marriage still has an emotional impact on your husband even though you all were going through the normal process of trying to figure things out. It sounds like you have done a good job of trying to be proactive and yet there is still a “no-fault” disconnect. Have you all talked about seeing a Christian marriage counselor who is sex-positive or has sex therapy training? It might be helpful to have a neutral third party help you all navigate the emotional buttons that keep getting pushed in this area of your relationship. We are finding it helpful. Blessings

  2. catholicguy says:

    Hello There,

    I definitely agree this is a valid concern. Hear me out. Don’t give up. Sexual encounters has many seasons and flavors. It’s not always the Hollywood scenario, but having some fun and routine changes are important for y’all’s relationship. Don’t give up on him and don’t give up on yourself.

    Whenever I withdrawal from my wife it’s never good. But I always listen to her and it’s kinda sexy sometimes when she takes charge of us sexually.

    I tend to be the one sweet talking for lovin but it’s really hot when she’s the hunter. Don’t give up.

  3. Peterpan says:

    Hello Foxglove Girl, the only thing I can think of is going to a sexologist. And first, go there alone, and try to bring your husband after a few appointments and work on this together.
    Personally you have to work on your self-image, as you have the feeling of not being sexy enough or that he is not attracted to you anymore.
    Like I said after a few appointments go together to the sexologist. There is nothing wrong with going there.

    One thing is for sure, that you have the creativity in bed. And maybe the sexologist can help both of you to make it a shared interest. Meaning that your husband tries to do his best to seduce you or start with kissing you. On the other hand, he enjoys having sex with you. So there is nothing with both of you sexually, it is more in a deeper layer that there is some disturbance. Again I think a sexologist can help with these kinda issues.

    My reply is based on what I read in your story. My prayers are for you.

  4. MarriedtoaHotBabe says:

    My wife and I have been married for 20 years and we're both 47. Our sex life has always been great but it's seen its ups and downs. Two things happened about 7 years ago that led to a real sexual boom for us that is still going super strong and seems to be getting even stronger:

    1) I got a vasectomy, allowing wonderful freedom for us. She couldn't take the pill so we had to use condoms. Ugh. The freedom we now have is wonderful and has been a game-changer.
    2) She turned 40, which seemed to really rev up her sex drive. She is now horny almost as much as I am!

    She has become a very sexually aggressive woman who initiates often. For your husband, if you think he'd respond, I would suggest you go on a sex-initiation campaign and just blow him away (literally and figuratively) and see if that gets him in a better place where he will then start initiating more because he wants another "taste" of you. Get yourself some sexy lingerie, too. My wife just got a super sexy Wonder Woman outfit that is the subject of my next post and it blew my mind away (she knows I think Gal Gadot is sexy). Maybe shave or trim your pussy (unless it's already shaved/trimmed)? Guys love that. Initiate some blowjobs? Striptease for him? Masturbate in front of him? Sext him? Ask if he'll do a homemade sex tape with you? These are all things my wife has done and that have been massive turn ons and have made me initiate as much as she has.

  5. O-surfer says:

    It definitely sounds like there is a need for counseling in this relationship—and it’s not a bad thing! Hopefully, you are already praying for your husband. Pray over every aspect of your relationship. But sometimes we need older brothers and sisters in Christ to help us be more emotionally and spiritually transparent with our spouses. Sometimes we can’t understand our spouse’s thinking without hearing another person state it differently. Sometimes we can tell that something from twenty years ago isn’t true now. Sometimes voices in our heads from childhood are keeping us from truly believing our spouse. Find resources that will start conversations. Make time and a safe place to talk and listen to each other. A marriage encounter weekend like Family Life’s Weekend to Remember or podcasts and webinars like those from Sex Chat for Christian Wives May be helpful. And perhaps you should borrow a trick from some recent stories posted here and you should take the control in this area of your life with your husband. I know that our desire is to be pursued by our husbands, but that may just be the result of you taking the leadership role in this area. May God bless your desire for your husband and your faithfulness to him.

  6. Stag-on-a-hill says:

    I love that you are proactive with this. That is so wonderful and so sexy in itself! He said he likes you naked. That seems to be the one thing he mentioned. Can you be naked with him more? Just doing your chores or whatever? Just a thought!

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