Is it Worth it?

 

Dear MH,

Is it wrong that part of me doesn’t want to be married? Honestly, I feel like there is a high chance of a sexless marriage and divorce.

I am reading books like “the great sex rescue.” Honestly, these books are great, but I am just more  confused about women and marriage sexuality in general.

I honestly feel that marriage and sex are not worth it.

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6 replies
  1. AmBlessed says:

    Tolu – Assuming that you take God's word seriously, you should want what He wants. We should want His best for our lives and the scriptures say that He is committed to finishing what He started in us. If we believe that our best is His best, then we submit to and pray for Him to lead s in all areas of life, including marriage. For most of us, God's best is through marriage patly because marriage confronts our self-centeredness more directly than any other relationship can.

  2. LovingMan says:

    Tolu, I can only give you our perspective. My wife and I have been married for almost 30 years. For us, marriage has been a great source of joy.

    I was in a very difficult marriage before and yes there was a painful divorce… but that pain has been long since eclipsed by the joy and pleasure of my marriage to Melodie. She had not ever been married when we met and is several years older than me, and she says that wondering about marriage CAN be scary but Heavenly Father can help you find a spouse who will be loving and kind.

    Our partnership is life, including in raising our kids, health problems, etc. has been a great learning experience with its ups and downs… but the ups make the downs well worth it. In fact, facing life’s challenges with a spouse makes the challenges easier to manage.

    We share a common love of the Lord, and our mutual faith helps a great deal too. We also share many common interests, and we were friends first. I did not even kiss Melodie until we had been dating for 6 months. We waited until marriage to do anything more than kissing.

    Then there is the sex… which is just amazing for us. Our wedding night and honeymoon were incredible! Now we are seniors. We make love more now as retirees than we did during our busy working and raising children years.

    Health challenges require adjustments but we’ve made it work. For instance, after retirement, we developed a sex schedule with some help from a marriage/sex therapist. We have more frequent sex than many married couples but less than some… but that’s fine. Every couple is different.

    Believe it or not but we think how you see your spouse when you’re older is a kind of spiritual gift. I know my wife is not the same in appearance as when we married (neither am I) but I still see her as absolutely beautiful and incredibly sexy!

    We made staying emotionally connected and sexually connected a priority… plus we both try to be respectful and kind… and we are both so grateful to be married to each other.
    We still stay intellectually connected as well by going to seminars and taking online classes together etc.

    We have continued to have amazing “sexual adventures” together and we would not trade those experiences for anything! We have created such amazing memories of our married sexual exploits! And our regular every other day sex can vary from comforting, comfortable, to exciting & intensely erotic! We have some sexual activities we no longer do and new things we’ve discovered over the years. (We got some ideas from MH too!) And all those lovemaking activities & sessions or even our quickies are bonding and help us to love each other more.

    Our sex schedule was worked out because we had a desire discrepancy where I wanted more frequent sex than she did. Our agreed-upon schedule is:
    Day 1 -We have a full lovemaking session where we both have 1-3 orgasms
    Day 2 -Wife helps me reach orgasm w/o sexual intercourse
    Day 3 – Quickie day where usually only I reach orgasm… but sometimes she does too
    Day 4 – same as day 2
    Day 5 – same as day 1
    – Also, she gives me oral sex about once a month. I give her oral when she’s willing or wanting it, but she’s not into it most days.
    -Sometimes she will surprise me with an incredibly erotic unscheduled sexual encounter and those are great!
    -We make love by Christmas tree lights every December.

    We have both learned to be grateful and satisfied with what we share in our sexual relationship with each other and we are 100% monogamous!

    We were both sexually abused as children but therapy before and after our marriage helped us each to heal and be able to enjoy and celebrate this great gift of marriage and our married sex life. My therapy after my unhealthy first marriage and subsequent divorce helped me to recognize and be happy in a positive relationship. My therapist told me bluntly that Melodie was good for me. (I was dating Melodie at the time.) He was right, and she says I am good for her too.

    We highly recommend this institution of marriage. Marriage or a good marriage does not happen to everyone, but many of us are blessed to have a joyful and sexy marriage… but we do have to work on it. But for us it is way worth it!

    We hope this helps and God bless you in your life!

  3. MarriedtoaHotBabe says:

    There's a lot to unpack here and there are a lot of questions I have. Why do you think divorce and a sexless marriage are in your future? That's one of many I have.

    My wife and I took a path that many on here will frown at. We had a very exciting and full sex life prior to marriage and it was obvious from almost day 1 that we were sexually compatible and also deeply in love. We were also sexually experienced before we met. We have always been sexually compatible as far as frequency, boundaries, intensity, etc. Had we not had the opportunity to explore our sexual compatibility before marriage, we would have obviously lucked out anyway. But I think that, for many couples, there is a situation of sexually not being on the same page and that persists through the marriage, potentially leading to infidelity, porn addiction, and divorce. Sex not only reflects the state of a marriage; sexual intimacy also feeds it.

    I wish you all the best!

    • CrazyHappyLoved says:

      Far be it from me to judge another's path, especially when it so closely resembles my own, but I will offer a couple of alternatives to Tolu. As you become intimately involved with a woman, you can explore your sexual natures while apart through words—spoken or written—probably leading to masturbation and self-knowledge that can be shared after marriage. Also, keep in mind that you will not be making love to the same woman for the rest of your life. She will grow and change, as will you. Be sure that you grow together rather than apart, and that takes intention and choice—dedication—from both of you. Seek each other's good. Don't just hold these as private convictions, either; talk about them!

      Is marriage worth it? That depends on your needs. Some people said to Jesus that if they couldn't divorce, then it would be better to not marry. “Not everyone can accept this word,” He replied, “but only those to whom it has been given. For there are eunuchs who were born that way; others were made that way by men; and still others live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.” Then Paul said that he wished all men could be as he (unmarried) but that he considered it a gift from the Lord. He also said it is better to marry than to burn with passion, due to the immorality in the world.

      The greatest desire of the human heart is to know and be known, to love and be loved. It is that intimacy that grows in a marriage, just as in our relationship with God through Jesus. It doesn't mean we will always agree, but we will strive towards unity even in our differences. We WILL work it out, WILL submit to *one another* in love. If you marry someone who shares that commitment with you, then I give an emphatic YES to its worth.

  4. LiveForHim says:

    Nobody can fully let you know how rewarding a marrige can be which usually includes kids. To be married to your best friend w/ all the intimacy which builds through the years is something that nothing else can be compared to.
    True, you want to get it right before you marry but God's gift of marriage is one of life's greatest gifts with eternal life being the most important gift in my book.
    My son is getting married in a few days and he told me the magical phrase that I knew he is doing it right. He said "Dad, I just can't imagine living my life without her." It does take ongoing effort to keep a marriage fresh but it only gets better year after year if your doing it not perfect but right. The failures in marriage always involve falling short of God's will for your marriage. MARRIAGE IS WHAT YOU BOTH MAKE IT. God bless.

  5. TruthSeeker says:

    Here's my view as a never-married young man.

    It's definitely not wrong to feel like marriage isn't worth it to you. Marriage isn't a commandment, nor is it a sin. It's a personal decision for each individual based on what they feel God is calling them to. So the assessment of "is it worth it" is one that only you can make. Building a solid biblical understanding of the meaning, requirements, duties and joys of marriage will help immensely in that assessment.

    There is the possibility that, like Paul, God is calling you to serve him and further the gospel in a life of singleness rather than marriage. It may be less common among Christians, but it's still something that God calls some people to. Again, it's something only you can decide with careful consideration and prayer.

    Your concerns about marriage are not unfounded. Marriage is a very serious thing (God-ordained and good, but still serious), and many people these days do not take it as seriously as they should. That's why there are such problems. But divorce, sexless marriages and other relationship issues aren't just unchangeable risks—you can influence them.

    And that's my core message: don't be fatalistic about becoming a statistic. Marriage, as with all decisions, is not only a roll of the dice. True, there are no guarantees. God's mysterious providence—or what some might call "chance"—is always a factor. However, you do have significant influence over what happens by making wise choices. By being intentional about identifying and addressing the things (in yourself and others) that lead to relationship issues, you can have a massive positive impact on the outcome.

    Put effort into growing in emotional and spiritual maturity, learning relationship skills, and choosing a spouse who is mature (or at least willing to grow in) those same things. Before and within marriage, be someone who is willing to dig to the heart of an issue, address the root, and implement a solution (perhaps after lovingly negotiating that solution). And to emphasize again, seek out a spouse who has (or is willing to grow in) those character qualities.

    A wise piece of advice I've heard is to date a potential spouse with marriage in mind for at least a year before getting married, so you can see how they handle things in life. It gives you time to see if there is any immaturity or destructive tendencies that could cause problems in a marriage relationship. Like yourself, they will be imperfect and sinful, so you'll have to accept some level of that. But if you recognize serious issues that they are unwilling to address, or even if there's just a personality incompatibility, they may not be a good choice of spouse.

    On the topic of growing and maturing as a person, "The Great Sex Rescue" is a great resource! I haven't read it myself yet, but I'm familiar with the content and message because I listen to the main author's podcast ("Bare Marriage Podcast" from Sheila Wray Gregoire) and she discusses that new book frequently.

    In a way, I'd say your confusion might actually be a good sign! I'd be much more concerned if you thought you had it all figured out. Being unsure about things means you recognize there is more that you need to learn. A mindset of never-ending learning and growth is one of the things that will bring improvements in your understanding and preparedness for marriage, and ANY area of life.

    To continue that learning and hopefully ease your confusion, I highly recommend the following books, all of which I have read and benefitted greatly from:

    – "7 Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman
    – "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman
    – "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
    – "Boundaries in Dating" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

    I would also recommend "Boundaries in Marriage" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I haven't read that one specifically, but the other two "Boundaries" books were good, so I strongly suspect this one is too.

    My prayers go out for you and your considerations about what God has planned for your life! 🙂

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