Ideas Please
Hello all,
I’m after a bit of advice and ideas of how to get my spouse to flirt with me. After many years of marriage and kids, this seems to have been lost somewhere along the way. I’ve tried to talk with them about it but I don’t think they understand how important this is for our sexual health as well as intimacy. I’ve tried sending sexy texts to get a response, I’ve tried sexy underwear, weekends away, and I’ve tried to flirt in an obvious way to get a response, yet I still seem to be failing. I personally need to build up anticipation, and flirting is a harmless yet fun way of doing this. It also can be done from a distance as we both work full time. I love reading all your stories on here and have even tried sharing them with the spouse to see if that does the trick. I’m going crazy not having this fun side in our relationship. How do I get it across to them and encourage them to join in?
We all tend to pray about the things we should change in ourselves and spend all our energy trying to change others to do what we want them do do. It should be just the opposite. We should be praying for our spouse – that God would open their eyes to the desires of our heart – and we should be spending our energy on changing ourselves, through God’s Spirit, to look more like Christ. Communicate to your spouse all of your love languages. Ask them what theirs are. Once you’ve shared yours, pray that God gives them the heart to act on that, but focus your energy on meeting their desires. Watch how God honors that. Learning their desires and acting on that is selfless love. Focusing on how to make them meet your desires is manipulation. We all fall victim to this behavior. But……. “Whoever tries to find his life will lose it. But whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.”
Great advice right there
Thanks Soulman. Your advice was applicable to me.
Needsitbad, Thiis is a very big challenge for many of us I suspect. Definitely for me. My issues are different than yours but they relate to my wife & my sexual relationship. I think Soulman’s advice was excellent. I’d go with that. I’ve actually come to the same conclusion he did and I’ve been striving to be a better husband and some of the things I wanted my wife to do, over the years she has started to do.
Have you tried asking if there is something wrong? We have gone through these times as well. We are currently in one. It seems that my wife is more open maybe than your husband. She just simply is so wrapped up in the kids and life that sex tends to be just another box to be checked off. On the other hand there is me. I need more affection and time. In the past I have used porn to escape life which obviously had negative consequences towards our sex life. Is there the chance he is using porn and not desiring sex with you because he feels guilty or just “doesn’t need it?”
I very much understand your frustration. It can feel difficult when a spouse seems to have a much narrower or simpler set of sexual needs than we do. Even if you are having sex itself regularly, there is definitely a larger context, and things like anticipation and flirting and 'fun' are all part to that. But spouses can definitely be very different, and that can be frustrating, for both sides.
I don't have simple answers and it sounds like you are trying hard already with all the usual suggestions. My biggest advice is to not compare yourself to others, especially the stuff you read in MH stories.
Every couple and every spouse is different. That can be hard to accept, especially when we see so much extra potential in our marital sex lives that other couples _seem_ to be enjoying, but our spouse just doesn't seem to get. I think a lot of even Christian resources mislead us into thinking all couples will find a perfect sexual equilibrium, including when it comes to flirting and 'fun.' But I think a lot of couples – perhaps the majority – are at least a bit different this way. You're certainly not alone,.
We haven't flirted in a long time. Since we've been married 42 years, that is not in the works.
Lauren flirts more than I do. Here are some examples of how she might flirt with me:
1) Excessive nudity around our bedroom. She knows I get turned on when she's nude.
2) Wearing revealing outfits.
3) Telling me she's craving something salty.
4) The way she might kiss me.
5) Sexting (I sext more than she does)
6) Masturbating in front of me
Hi needitsobad. How cool and candid you are to share your situation. It reminds me a little of my younger sister who after years of resenting me and being frustrated by the lack of response from her hubby to her requests for better sex, realized (when I told her?) that her core issue was her lack of confidence. So she invested time, energy and a little money for a hot wardrobe (revealing outfits for outdoors and the bedroom) – and of course, toys!
In her case and hopefully eventually yours, she worked her body and talents to her advantage and their relationship blossomed.
If things are moving slowly, try this: let him “catch” you masturbating in bed when you “thought” he was sleeping. When he realizes what’s happening, ask him to join you and let you know before he shoots his load because you don’t want to miss a drop in your mouth and face. THAT should do the trick!
Your thoughts?