Spicy Food
This is a possibly silly story. But I’d be interested in reactions and any other possible analogies…
Peter and Paula were engaged to be married. They were looking forward to their wedding day because once they were married, they could have spicy food! As devout people, they knew and followed the important teaching that spicy food was saved for marriage. So despite their longings, they were careful to stay away from spicy food.
Of course, they talked about spicy food. And how much they were looking forward to spicy food. And it was an important part of their premarital counseling to talk about their expectations regarding spicy food.
One day, Paula cautiously asked Peter, ‘I’ve heard about some food that is so spicy that your eyes water and you feel like you’re burning up. Is… I mean, do you think you’d want to try that kind of spicy food?”
Peter said, “I guess not. I don’t know if I’d enjoy that. I just want spicy food. It doesn’t need to be crazy spicy food.”
“Me, neither,” Paula said with relief.
Another time, Peter asked Paula, “How often do you think we should have spicy food? I think I’d like to have it three times a week at least.”
Paula responded, “Wow, I don’t know. I guess I was thinking maybe once a week.”
“Well, I guess we can compromise at twice a week.”
“That sounds great. I am so looking forward to being married and having spicy food.”
“Me, too.”
The day came. They were married! They set off on their honeymoon, excited to have spicy food. They headed down the road and turned into the first restaurant they saw that had spicy food.
Peter read the sign. “Taco Bell.”
Paula rubbed her hands in glee. “We’re going to have spicy food!”
Peter asked, “Is this definitely spicy food?”
Paula looked at him. “Well, I heard that it isn’t extremely spicy. But it’s definitely spicy food. And you said you weren’t into anything extreme.” Peter conceded that, and they went in.
It was… okay. Definitely spicy—sometimes. But not quite what Peter expected.
But Paula loved it. ‘This is so amazing! Spicy food is great!”
The next day, Paula suggested they go to Taco Bell again. Peter demurred. He had seen other spicy food restaurants and thought they should give them a try. Paula didn’t see the need to try anything different other than Taco Bell, but she agreed.
They went to a different spicy food restaurant and ordered. The food came out, and Paula took a bite. She gasped. “Too hot! Too hot!” She grabbed for a glass of water.
Peter kept eating. It was spicy all right, but he kind of liked it!
Paula couldn’t eat any more; it was way too spicy for her. Peter could feel her impatience as he finished. They left, and Paula said, “Well, we’re not going back there again.”
Peter asked “Why not? Maybe you just need to get used to it.”
Paula looked at him. “Peter, what’s the problem? We agreed we weren’t into extremely spicy food that made your eyes water and caused a burning sensation.” She continued. “Let’s go back to Taco Bell. Now that’s good spicy food.”
Peter shrugged. Maybe Paula just needed some convincing. He didn’t mind Taco Bell, but now he knew for sure there were other options. He wanted to keep trying and exploring.
They settled into married life, and went to Taco Bell twice a week. But Peter kept asking if they could try other places. A couple of times, Paula agreed. Peter tried to find places that were not too spicy, but the same thing always happened: her eyes watered, and it was too much. She didn’t want to stay, so they had to leave.
At least Paula liked Taco Bell. So Peter suggested that since she liked it so much, they should go more often. Heck, maybe have Taco Bell every day?
But Paula didn’t agree. “Then it wouldn’t be special anymore,” she said. “I’d rather wait and have something nice to look forward to. Besides,” she continued. “Don’t you remember our discussion before we got married? You wanted spicy food three times a week. I just wanted it once. We compromised on two, so why are you changing things now?”
Another day, Peter had an idea. He suggested to Paula that they try and make spicy food at home. Maybe they could even make it in different ways so that they both enjoyed it. Paula made a face. “That’s weird,” she said. “You eat spicy food in restaurants. It’s not normal to have it at home.” Peter wasn’t sure about that, but Paula was adamant that it wasn’t “normal.”
Peter started to visit spicy food websites, telling himself it was just “research” to find a spicy food that Paula would like. Sometimes he thought about sneaking out to a spicy food restaurant by himself, but that didn’t seem right. Instead, he kept “researching.” A couple of times, he tried to show Paula some guides to enjoying spicy food that he had found. But she said, “Oh, I don’t need those. I already enjoy Taco Bell.”
They began to fight more and more about spicy food.
Peter kept arguing to change things up. Paula fought back that she had done her best to try new things, but they weren’t for her. She reminded him that they agreed they weren’t into extremely spicy food, but she had made an effort to please Peter anyway. Paula also pointed out that they had agreed how often they would have spicy food. Taco Bell twice a week was perfect. It was spicy food, they both liked it, and that’s what they both agreed on. Paula said she didn’t understand why there was a problem.
Peter admitted they had agreed on those things. But that was before either of them had tried spicy food. They didn’t really know or understand what they were talking about. Now they had learned about spicy food, and Peter wanted to keep learning more. There was so much more about spicy food besides Taco Bell. He couldn’t understand why Paula didn’t feel the same way, or why she didn’t at least want Taco Bell more often. And Paula said she couldn’t understand why Peter wasn’t happy. He seemed insatiable and impossible to please.
And then they went to Taco Bell.
I apologize to anyone who really likes Taco Bell.
Sounds familiar, but I’m the one who wants variety in our marriage. The interesting thing is that’s actually true for us in all kinds of areas, including restaurants, not just in sex.
Cute way of describing the differences in sexes.
This resonates with me a lot. Except that in the beginning of the marriage she liked spicy food, and even spicier food. And she wanted to eat out much more often. As the marriage progressed, she wanted to stop going out for Thai food or whatever, and we pretty much settled for taco bell, then as more time progressed we ended up going to taco bell less and less.
I don't find this silly at all! It's a very creative analogy and underscores an important truth: we don't know what we don't know. When we get engaged, we aren't just deciding who we want to be with, we are choosing a life partner, and life—vibrant and productive—involves growth. Premarital counseling and/or conversation about sexual interests and intentions are all well and good, but we need to approach our marriages with both a growth mindset and a willingness to renegotiate agreements periodically.
I read an article once where the author (who was counseling young men incredulous that he could be happy having sex with the same woman for the rest of his life) insisted that he isn't married to the same woman he wed all those years ago. She had changed in many ways, as had he. But since they entered the relationship with a commitment to making it thrive, they expected growth and considered coming to terms with those changes part of the process.
I am reminded that Paul instructed men to love their wives and women to respect their husbands. It seems to me that men naturally give and desire respect; for instance, you show love by respecting your wife's preferences and not pushing for "spicier food." Women, on the other hand, tend to easily give and desire nurturing; we'll meet your basic needs and are free with affection, yet tend to be risk averse. We are designed to protect the status quo. We'll serve you meat and veggies with the occasional foray into Mexican or Indian cuisine, but if you aren't happy with our "home cooking," we might fear your desire to eat out all the time and feel insecure in our abilities.
But the Bible instructs us to do for each other what doesn't always come naturally.
We women can fail to recognize that adventure and novelty /are/ basic, biological needs of many if not most men. They are the risk-takers, explorers, and boundary-pushers—and we can benefit from those design traits! They fill our gaps and keep us from stagnating. So we need to respect their requests for us to leave our comfort zones and occasionally follow them into creative new experiences. We can show them our trust that they've used wisdom in considering what to suggest and have our best interests at heart. And we can appreciate that it's /we/ they want to accompany them and no other.
Men can forget that safety and maintaining the status quo are prime directives for many if not most women, and you can benefit from those design traits! We fill your gaps and can help you recognize concerns that need to be mitigated. So help us feel protected and praised, and show us affection and patience. We understand feelings, so talk to us about those instead of just your logical processes. Sentimental gestures and heartfelt gratefulness for every little step in your direction can reinforce growth. And if a desired sexual adventure can be wrapped in lots of emotional words and touches, it's most likely to feel like a safe step.
I know these verses aren't usually read this way, but:
Ephesians 5:20-21 …always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Thanks CrazyHappyLoved for your thoughtful and affirming comments. That "growth" mentality and willingness to adapt is essential. But I don't think many couples are well-equipped to understand that until after the wedding.
Atlantic Man, what an excellent analogy. My wife & I can relate but I want to add that once in a while my wife is really in the mood for very spicy food. I just need to not expect the really spicy food every time. I suspect many marriages are like that. Our marriage/sex counselor said that women may want the spicy food one day and the next time they are happy with Taco Bell again.
Interesting that, as OUR long marriage has progressed, she is more interested in trying various new spicy dishes.
Now, not speaking in the analogy and speaking in the analogy… I like really spicy food more than my wife does.