Poll: Build the Hot Monogamy Lifestyle
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Let’s Share Insights about the Hot Monogamy Lifestyle. The MarriageHeat Community is passionate about hot monogamy. Based on your answers, what insights can you share with other hot monogamy enthusiasts?
- Lack of Communication:
- Topic: Breaking the Silence: Sharing and Understanding Sexual Desires in Marriage
- Share Your Insights: Let’s talk about how we can better communicate our sexual needs and desires with our spouses. Have you found effective ways to initiate these hot monogamous lifestyle conversations? Share your experiences and tips for opening up and creating a safe space for these critical discussions.
- Routine and Predictability:
- Topic: Spicing Things Up Escaping the Sexual Routine
- Share Your Insights: Many of us fall into a routine in our sexual lives. How have you and your partner kept things exciting and fresh? Share your ideas and experiences on breaking away from predictability and add some spice to your relationship.
- Stress and Fatigue:
- Topic: Combating Stress and Fatigue: Keeping the Flame Alive in Busy Times
- Share Your Insights: Stress and fatigue can take a toll on our sex lives. How do you and your partner maintain the hot monogamy lifestyle during stressful or busy periods? Share your strategies for keeping the connection strong even when life gets overwhelming.
- Physical Changes:
- Topic: Embracing Change: Navigating Physical Transformations in Marriage
- Share Your Insights: Physical changes, whether due to health, age, or other factors, can affect our sexual dynamics. How have you and your partner adapted to and embraced these changes? Share your journey of maintaining a solid sexual bond through physical transformations.
- Emotional Disconnect:
- Topic: Rekindling Emotional Intimacy: Overcoming Disconnect in Marriage
- Share Your Insights: An emotional disconnect can impact our sexual relationships profoundly. How have you worked through periods of emotional distance with your spouse? Share your insights and advice on rebuilding a passionate hot monogamy lifestyle and reconnecting on a deeper level.
- Limited Experimentation:
- Topic: Exploring New Horizons: Trying New Things in the Bedroom
- Share Your Insights: It can be easy to shy away from experimenting sexually with our partners. What are some ways you’ve introduced new experiences or fantasies into your sex life? Please share your stories of exploration and how it impacted your relationship.
- Time Constraints:
- Topic: Finding the Time: Balancing Busy Lives and Intimate Moments
- Share Your Insights: Finding time for intimacy can be challenging in our busy lives. How do you and your partner ensure you make time for each other sexually? Share your tips for prioritizing intimacy amidst a hectic schedule.
- Differences in Libido:
- Topic: Harmonizing Desires: Managing Differences in Libido
- Share Your Insights: Differences in sexual drive can create challenges in a marriage. How have you and your partner navigated differing libidos? Share your experiences and advice for finding a balance that satisfies both partners in a hot monogamy lifestyle together.
- Impact on Children/Family Life:
- Topic: Intimacy Post-Kids: Keeping the Spark Alive in a Full House
- Share Your Insights: Children and family life can drastically change our sexual relationships. How have you maintained the hot monogamy lifestyle and passion amid family responsibilities? Share your strategies for keeping your sex life active while managing a family.
- Past Traumas or Issues:
- Topic: Healing Together: Addressing Past Traumas in Marital Sex
- Share Your Insights: Dealing with past traumas or issues can be a delicate process in a marriage. How have you and your partner worked through these challenges to build a healthy sexual relationship? Share your experiences of healing and supporting each other through difficult past experiences.
Have You Considered Writing Stories? Check out this page to find out how to write an erotic, hot monogamy lifestyle story.
I've been wondering about a reason for marriage cooling, or how the heat never gets as high as it could. Context of mind. A real contextual difference in the spouses. Regardless of pre-marital sex, & regardless of sex being dirty, people seem to have a preconceived conclusion, even a deeply rooted traditional belief, that married people don't act that way. That somehow society, Betty Crocker, & Good Housekeeping would take your propriety card away if you did.
This could be a variety of Past Traumas. But, I see it as something overlooked, or rarely considered, as an issue of the past. Though the past is considered, what I am talking about is not trauma.
We all had a free will context, an understanding we came to, before marriage, of what marriage is. This can be very prudish or wanton, sexually speaking. Yet, before marriage thinking, & behavior, can be very different from marriage life. Some, spouses think sex should be more permissive, now that they are married. Some, believe sex is to be more prudish, than before marriage, to be proper. This is direct opposition. And, because it is so deeply seated in the heart, it is very hard to overcome. Especially, when the spouse's past is one of high regard & nostalgia.
I believe this is a symptom of sin, & Biblical misunderstanding. We can either panic & rage quit, as a result of all the sin we see the world doing. Or, we can be full of prim & proper pride that we are not conducting ourselves like those heathens. Therefore, we see it as an accomplishment to be praised & admired.
This makes it very difficult to work at being 2 as 1.
@She Calls Me Mister's comments remind me of a Heineken quote, that "a true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best." But CAN people learn to do that if they don't have that attitude at the start of their marriage? A lot of times people hold to their attitudes and upbringing so tightly that it becomes the thing that causes the marriage to fail, because they use it as a standard to which their spouse doesn't live up, and that can be on whatever side of the fence you fall.
But not being married yet, I suppose I could take a girlfriend's lack of comfort or willingness to discuss sex as a warning sign of problems to come, not only with sex but communication. Because far beyond just sex, it's probably a more universal problem. I think it's important that both sides be WILLING to put in the effort, and also reevaluate what works and what doesn't, as the marriage progresses.
I've played games with kids much younger than me, and while we set up rules at the beginning, sometimes during the course of the game it becomes apparent that one side has too much of an unfair advantage, and as me being the Adult I start changing things up. Sometimes I feel bad that I had to change the rules but it's either that or let the game spiral out of control, because at some point it won't be fun and half the kids are not going to want to play anymore.
Now I'd rather not look at marriage as a competitive match, but more like the way CS Lewis describes the difference between heaven & hell. You have to use that spoon to feed your spouse and build him/her up instead of trying to feed yourself. And something tells me that the ability/willingness to do that has a lot more to do with having a happy and healthy marriage. Sex or lack of it is merely a symptom.
I loved the Robert Heineken quote “A true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best." For a married woman that is spot on. I read a novel once where the bride wore a modest nightgown on her wedding night. How idiotic! She should have been wearing an over the top sexy see through or open cup open crotch teddy or something really sexy & revealing!
Over the course of 30 years our marriage has evolved as we have both grown more mentally healthy. We both are survivors of childhood sexual abuse. I can say now that we have overcome MOST of the effects that had on our marriage sexual relationship. But we both had years of therapy before we met so we were fairly healed from the start of our marriage. We had individual therapy during our marriage too.
Our answer to desire discrepancy was worked out by seeing a married team of sex therapists. We set a sex schedule. We are fairly flexible but that schedule has really helped! We still occasionally have spontaneous sex too. But the schedule made a huge difference for good regular sex! We compromised and met at middle ground n it’s been really nice!
Many churches don’t adequately teach their youth or adult members about the positive aspects of sex. They spend time warning members about premarital sex and extramarital sex but they avoid teaching their members how marriage sex is an important and wonderful part of God’s plan.
Can you imagine an adult Sunday school class discussing Proverbs 5:19 or the Song of Solomon? But I think we SHOULD be talking about that kind of thing.
I think most churches don’t. In fact, I think the few that do are in the vast minority.
It's been a while since I was in youth group so I don't know what the kids are being taught about sex/etc. these days. In my day though we were being given hurtful and unbiblical advice out of books like Every Young Man's Battle and I Kissed Dating Goodbye, to name a couple that my mom made me read. But I made it here so I'm sure others will as well, if they are looking to abandon a puritanical attitude toward sex while still keeping it all focused on God.
Oh man, I am so much in agreement with you! The more I understand the harm done by the church and the lack of Biblical teachings on sex, the sadder I grow. And the more determined I am to counteract the harm. As Faith-Manages commented, I too was raised on teachings found in books like I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Now I absolutely appreciate most of the influence and Biblical education I got from resources like IBLP, the Duggar family, and Vision Forum, and on the whole they are trying to bring back Godly morality and lifestyle to families and the church, but the purity culture aspect is damaging. I'm sorry to say that, but I know both for myself and people I know or have read about that this kind of view on sex and marriage has hurt many individuals and marriages. How I wish that marital intimacy was taught as something exciting to look forward to, something so hot and wonderful and special that it's a no-brainer to wait for it and an honor to finally experience it! Instead, it's embarrassing and secretive and no one talks about it. We need to change that.
For us, managing different libidos has been an issue. Years ago, we agreed to use masturbation to help massage this circumstance. I am sharing a comment from Amanda, my spouse, from years ago. I think it fits into this topic and this seems the simplest way to share the idea.
From Amanda
We (caveman and I) believe that solo masturbation can be a loving extension of our marriage bed and we have an open-masturbation policy. One of the most challenging aspects of our marriage has been how to overcome different libidos. Caveman’s level is just higher than mine usually, but we have periods where it is the opposite (especially during pregnancy).
Over the years we have made mutual masturbation a part of our sexual experiences together. After much prayer, exploring different solutions, we have mutually agreed on an “open door” policy on masturbation. In this, we are each free to masturbate as needed. We know each other well enough to see the signs that the other isn’t going to be available for a love-making session together. Of course, that would always be our first choice, but the realities of life and the different libidos don’t always make that possible. In these situations, we masturbate.
We have also agreed to share this fact with the other. We do this in a way that does not make the unavailable partner feel guilty for not being available. We also think it is important that this is not done in secret either so we feel that it should be known to both. We communicate this without words. We have a decorative vase in our bedroom with wax flowers in it, two varieties. When I masturbate, I will remove a flower and place it next to the vase. When Caveman does so, he will do the same with a different flower variety.
This simple communication ensures we are being open about our activities. For us, this reduces the guilt about masturbating and the guilt of the low libido spouse for not being available at that time. By not having words about it at the time, the potential for miscommunication is reduced (sometimes the high-drive spouse can put too much pressure on the other–especially when the desire is strong). Since I am usually the one with low drive, I also have a special pillow I will place on the bed in a certain way to let Caveman know I am planning something for later. In this way, he will see it and refrain. This increases our level of anticipation. In our experience, solo masturbation happens maybe 4 times a month, mutual activity maybe 10 times.
Of course, each marriage is different but this is just our experience. I share that only as a point of reference. The point is, for us, we have found that balancing our different libidos is a movement that is a part of our marriage dance. A word of caution, this solution is not for everyone. First take it up with God in prayer (Our prayer together continues to be that God will bring us to a point of equal sexual drives). Talk about it together and come to mutual agreement. Also, if someone has struggled with pornography then I think this solution might be harmful. It must be a mutually agreed on solution in line with 1 Corinthians 7. Also, you must be pure in your mind as you masturbate, focused on your spouse. 1 Corinthians 6 comes into play here as well as other Scriptural guidance. If that is not possible then I think solo masturbation would be harmful.
"Share your healing experiences and support each other through difficult past experiences." I had to come to terms with my own sexually sinful past. My sexual past included multi-partner experiences and same-sex pleasuring. I liked women but "loved" men. I loved the "heady" pleasure, but I was becoming a "wicked" woman and started hating myself. I self-induced trauma in my life and found myself enjoying sexually abusive people, who, while what was happening to me was so pleasurable at the time, would make me anxious and depressed. I started to drink and even do some drugs to keep me "wanting" more. I do not want to make it sound like I did not "love, love, love" the sexual pleasure. It was, when it was, everything I wanted, needed, lusted for, masturbated about. I started to judge people by their "sexual intelligence," not by their character. I was lost and became suicidal.
BUT Jesus. At this low point, I learned about Christ's love and became a spiritually alive Christian.
At first, I had it both ways. But I started to find my sexual behavior empty. I started distancing myself from my swinging friends. I remember on my last multiple-partner sexual encounter (MMMF) that I was actually distracted and even pretended to orgasm. I distanced myself from that crowd.
I went to church and grew in my relationship with Christ. I met my husband, we became married, and we had "nice" sexual connections. It took years and marriageheat.com to come to grips with my past and sign on to hot monogamy and hotter monogamy.
My husband likes to hear my "stories", and I now want to tell them as we do some role-playing. (What you can do with toys is incredible.)
In Christ, we are free, but we are not bound by "false freedom" that creates a sexual lifestyle that takes sex and makes it an idol. That idol will create lonely women, pleasured to spiritual isolation and depression. The great thing about marriageheat.com is that we can enjoy each other's stories and play those stories out in our own marriage. I like the term, Hot Monogamy Lifestyle, the sexual lifestyle that also pleasures the soul.
Sexually Redeemed, I like how you embrace your freedom in Christ to see your life as your journey that contributed to your hot monogamy lifestyle. I get turned on by the thought of role-playing being taken by another man with my husband present, so we role-play with a vibe in my button and my husband in my pussy. We do not have any specific man; we like this kinky play. We have no lust to actually include another person in our play.
"Physical changes, whether due to health, age, or other factors, can affect our sexual dynamics. How have you and your partner adapted to and embraced these changes?" My husband has experienced some health issues and erection issues. At first, we felt defeated. We introduced more cuddling and vibes into our lives. We are learning to adjust our hot monogamy lifestyle to fit our situation.
Sexually Redeemed – Thank you, that is so awesome to hear that. I believe that a person's past should be embraced. "My husband likes to hear my "stories", and I now want to tell them as we do some role-playing." I have often felt that spousal camaraderie is missing in many marriages. Growing up, in our youth it is much easier to find like minded people who will explore new things, sexually, & be with you through it all. All ideas, manifestations, etc. Best friends, neighbor friends, girlfriends, boyfriends sexually, or not, seem in the same boat & have a sense of abandon to unity. Puberty, sexual behavior, & virginity all are widely accepted topics of discussion. And many people make real connections of freedom at that time. This can be righteous or sinful, partying or 1 on 1, sexual or platonic. We get away with things, we don't judge, we stay friends. Yes, of course not all see, or have this, & relationships can go no where, or worse. But, I believe the marriage is what this is supposed to be. Marriage, where sex is now legal before God! "In Christ, we are free, but we are not bound by "false freedom" that creates a sexual lifestyle that takes sex and makes it an idol."
Because we listen to the world & let it teach us what to think, we wound our marriages, because we are wounded people. We step into sex already experienced, guarded, & defensive. I love that you & your husband have found freedom. I believe there are many stories untold, like yours, given the over sexed world we were raised in. Different varieties, but much the same regrets. I believe that spouses should redeem back their past as much as possible. Expose it to the light. Give it to God & share all the details with your spouse, as God guides. We like to hide & shoo away what irritates us. But, shooing a fly away only allows it to come back & irritate you again. Get the fly swatter out & kill the sucker! Hunt it down & take it captive! Expose it to the light. Spouses have to be able to hear confessions. We have to be Christlike & hear it all, tell it all. We have to forgive. Don't hide it, nor let elephants take up the room. But, take your past & paint the walls of your marriage with it. Live in victory over it. Redeem it & take back the loss & embrace the past, victorious over it. Even, allow it to arouse you. Even have sex because of the stories you tell. Don't be afraid of the ugly anymore. Christ did not hide the cross from us. But, be honest. Love as Jesus did you! Let the Spirit guide. I am not saying celebrate sin. I am saying celebrate redemption, self control, & authority over what you once were ashamed of. There is no shame in salvation! Paul wrote in scripture that he knew some of the church used to be homosexual. It takes a church with a back bone to let that out, today. It should be a no brainer for the marriage. Unfortunately, many spouses have not found redemption, as you have. I am over simplifying a tough journey for many. My respect goes out to the abused & hurting. Yet, most all counsel says to face your fears. I am saying let the light in at your own pace. We all want this. We all want our chains & burdens gone. Prayers for those that do not have a willing spouse to do this with. I cry with you. Heal as God wants, don't believe the lies that say to hide & cower. God wants to lift the burden. Salvation says let God have it. No, you do not deserve to wallow in any past mistakes. That is not resurrection. Jesus rose from the dead so we could have new life free from our past.
Thank you, again, Sexually Redeemed. I celebrate you & your husband. I raise a non-alcoholic glass to you! Cheers & thank you. A breath of fresh air indeed!