When You Have Stigmas
MH friends,
Most of you know my story of sexual awakening and transformation. I went from ignorant and scared about sex to educated and excited, maybe even kinda wild. Being single, I don’t know what marital intimacy will feel like. Yet I intend to give it 100% if I marry. However, I still have some stigmas. I suppose they are the consequence of my upbringing and my family’s (my parents’) views of sex.
For one, there is little to no outward display of sexual intimacy between my parents. Oh, they kiss and flirt a bit and are very comfortable together outwardly, but that’s it. Except that my siblings and I exist, I would never have known Mom and Dad have had sex. I never caught them doing it, I never heard them. I never saw evidence of it or heard jokes or anything.
That is sad to me, especially now that I have such a rich view of what marriage should look like. But I certainly can’t talk about it with them. I’m no expert! Plus, I do know they have some issues. I don’t want to reveal too much, but Dad was previously married and Mom has some past trauma, the nature of which I am uninformed. They need professional counseling, but so far it hasn’t happened.
I think my struggle is disassociating the negative “vibe” they give off about sex from my new (and good) viewpoint. I want to be able to have joyful thoughts about my parents and their intimate life, but I can’t. My Dad loves physical affection, I believe, and is more, shall I say, open-minded about discussing it. Mom desires emotional connection, and neither is filling the needs of the other. Mom has hinted that she is repulsed when Dad makes sexy advances because she feels neglected in other areas.
Yet he has been hurt and had to deal with some turbulent issues before, not to mention Mom’s emotional trauma. So he withdraws into his own world. Both, I believe, are at fault. In the past, it has discolored my view (and possibly my siblings’ view) of marriage and intimacy. By God’s grace, I am mostly past it. I want to leave my parents’ personal life out of my future, because I dread the same thing happening to me.
Prayers would be very appreciated if you ever think of my parents. They are wonderful people, just stuck. I love them so much and don’t want to think of them as a couple with a grimace. Also, pray that I will stand strong in my knowledge of how good God has made sex. Also, that I will have strong standards for any men who court me. Finally, that I can detect any red flags that could result in an unhappy marriage. Love you all!
Hi LLL,
I will pray on all points requested. I’m no expert either, but sex is often tabled in marriages as something unnecessary or even a burden. Satan has relentlessly attacked marriages, and sadly, sex has been a casualty of his war.
Thank you for praying! I continue praying for you and your wife, that there will be great healing and renewed fire. I long to see that in my parents as well. It really is infuriating to observe how much we Christians have surrendered in the war on sex and marriage. I, for one, will do my utmost to break that mold.
I believe you will LLL. I also hope you can find a place where it is not only safe to share what you’ve learned, but also a place where you can teach other women the importance and value of Godly sex within a marriage.
LLL many of us have experiences from our upbringing that are negative and even traumatic. I think you being aware of your situation growing up is very mentally healthy.
You should know that 70% of people raised in extremely negative environments (like alcoholic parents) make a deliberate decision to not do the same.
So apparently your upbringing was not totally traumatic but you can still make the decision to do better in your future marriage than your parents did. And you have done just that! So good for you.
My wife n I got marriage counseling together in our 50s n 60s and it really improved our relationship and marriage n especially our sexual relationship! Your parents would of benefit from marital and certainly individual counseling or therapy but both have to be willing.
Keep praying for your parents. They clearly still have some spark ⚡️ in their marriage. So all is not lost.
Thanks for that encouragement. I will keep praying. I praise God for using their situation to help me make good choices now for my future, whether or not it involves marriage. God does work things out for good to them that love Him.
When I was 6 y/o, I saw my mom riding my dad… I saw the entire act without them noticing me. That scene never left my mind…
In a way, I wish parents could be more open with their kids about their sex lives. It would take SO much of that awkwardness away. I hope that scene was not too shocking for you, but rather a good thing!
When my daughter was four, my first wife and I were doing it missionary style on the living room carpet. Our daughter woke up, walked right past us without a word or a nod, went to the bathroom, and then walked right past us on the way back after she was done. Not a word was said.
That was largely because, a few months prior, we had given her an age-appropriate version of "The Talk" after she asked where babies come from. We had read an excellent book on how to teach young children about sex, and why it's important to do it in small increments — starting while they are still toddlers. That was great advice!
If more people followed that advice, then porn and prostitution would likely go out of business, because the next generation would have much healthier attitudes about sex.
When our first child was 1 and a half, we were staying in a small hotel, woke them up with some naked spooning on accident. Right then I was shooting all over Vanessa’s huge ass and she was moaning. Then we heard a little voice talking to us. Very awkward.
LLL,
There are two facet to your story, your family history and your response to it,
The first is common, my parents had a horrible sexual history, and sadly that is not uncommon.. The second element is your response to it, and that is very uncommon. You are to be commended for your positive response and efforts to correct their negative influence. Depending on the spouse you choose, there is no reason to think you won’t have a wonderful, sexually healthy marriage. God bless.
Thank you! My desire is to respond in a Godly way to not-so-good things that happen to me.
This is a tough one because we don’t know the extent, or cause of your mom’s trauma. I feel for her because I was sexually assaulted twice by an older boy in elementary school. It has affected my personal view of myself and my penis.
My prayers are certainly with your parents, but also with you and your siblings. But you all need to move on and continue to educate yourselves on healthy and spiritual sexual relationships.
Though I was told that masturbation was a sin, I still did/do it. In fact I started at 10 years old.
My late wife and I were very good at communicating our wants, desires, and taboos. I encourage you to be the same way with your future spouse, and understand that once God knows you’re married…no restrictions apply between you and your spouse.
HAVE FUN!!!!
You are so right about moving on. I hope to talk with my siblings (at least the ones who aren't married) about these issues. I don't know where each of them is in their sexual journey. A married sister seems to share a lot of my views, so we might talk more about it in future. I think she's learned a lot just since getting married, plus the very good premarital counseling she and her husband received from their pastor. That's encouraging.
I'm so sorry about the trauma and abuse you experienced. That kind of crime sickens me. Praise the Lord that you were able to heal and cultivate a beautiful relationship with your wife! My condolences on her passing. Though, if she was saved, you know you will see her again!
I think it's a good idea for newlyweds to go to a marriage counselor and probably for couples to continue seeing a marriage counselor on at least a yearly basis, specifically to avoid having that stigma against marriage counseling (that it's for couples who are in trouble, etc).
Now one of the things that I constantly try to remind myself is that focusing on being more like Jesus is a far better goal than trying not to be my parents. Your parents' story seems all-too common, sadly, where both parties are missing something and end up withholding the thing the other spouse needs most…because what what the man finds important in a marriage is discounted by his wife, and vice versa? Can't say as I'm hardly an expert, just have been watching a lot of youtube videos in the last couple of years.
The thing is that I think 90% of men would gladly do it differently if they only knew what to do! But a woman saying "I don't feel like we're emotionally connected" rarely helps unless she explains what she means by that. What's YOUR definition of emotional connection?
Good question. From observing men in general (both Christian and unsaved), the biggest issue I see is oblivion. They are not present in their families' lives. By that I mean mentally and spiritually present. A wife NEEDS her man to be heading things up, taking charge in spiritual issues, planning, listening, and just leading in general. I observe husbands on their phones, playing video games, and being pretty lost when it comes to knowing what to do and where they're going. The screen time issue is major with me. Everyone is so addicted to their phones! I made it a rule when I got my first smartphone (which wasn't until I was in my twenties) that I would not use it around other people unless absolutely necessary. Others in my family (I have to point out that it's the males) don't practice that. And they can't put it away. That's one of many factors in the disconnect between couples that I see. I know so many wives and moms who basically do all the planning and logistics because they're the only ones who know everything going on (where everyone needs to be, what is on the schedule, what needs have to be met, etc.). The men might work hard and be good Christians, but they aren't really involved or taking charge of issues. Thus these ladies are exhausted and burned out from having mental and physical overload. So emotional connection and intimacy, to me, starts with being present, taking charge, listening to the wife without getting defensive, and then gently leading. I want a man who will initiate prayer and Bible study, whose mind is always on Jesus and thus how he can serve Him by serving his wife and then others, and who will neglect the bloody phone (excuse the language; it just gets me riled up).
Hey, I can relate a lot. I feel like between my parents lack of affection, and purity culture upbringing, my entire view of sex has been deeply colored. I struggle a lot, I go through periods where I'll try to learn to enjoy my sexuality and figure out what I beleive. Where I'm active on here, SOTB, Reddit, ect. I try to learn to enjoy my sexual desires and not be so uptight about masturbation.
That said I also then go through periods of deep shame, where I feel like the most disgusting person on the earth for just having a sex drive. Then I purge any accounts I was using to try to work through the sexual issues. Even on here, I've gone by several version of wakawaka and more recently QuestioningThings1. I just get hit with this wave of shame and feel like I just have to leave, what am I doing, I'm disgusting.
It doesn't last, and I do legitimatly want to work through my issues, but the stigma is the hardest part. Sites like this are great, but it's not like I have an actual friend to talk with about this stuff. I'm just….kinda stuck…and therapy only helps so much. I'm not sure what to do anymore.
I'm am praying for your parents too! I think my parents are similar to yours, but I still heard them having sex a few times,caught my dad masturbating once, caught both of them naked once a few hours after sex.