Spicy Sex Lives
There are a lot of couples who experience ups and downs in their sex lives. I know it happens a lot, but I’m afraid of calling it the norm.
So, from your experience or perspective, how would you answer these questions?
(Singles may also answer if you have some insight or observation.)
For couples whose sex life has dwindled or died at some point then resurged to vibrant and spicy, how did you do it? Was there a spark that ignited the change? If so, what was it? Was the resurgence gradual? If so, what changed?
For those marriage champions of you who have kept your sex life alive and flourishing, what’s your secret?
Thanks in advance for your insight!
We have been married 15 years and fell into a slump at about the 7 year mark. We went to marriage counselling and bought sex toys. It has improved our intimacy reasonably well.
That’s good! I’m glad you guys recognized the problem and did something about it.
Hubbie here, KM, and thanks for a thought-provoking discussion question. Given your honest transparency about your own marriage struggles with “spark” and “flourishing”, this is a real question for you, and for all of us. And there are SO MANY ways to answer it! I think I’ll start with thinking.
(Disclaimer: we’re not “marriage champions”, and we still struggle. But we are trying to keep our marriage and sex life alive and flourishing. The world, the flesh, and the devil want us to fail, so the struggle is real. But the rewards, ahhh, the rewards, are so worth it!)
René Descartes said, “Cogito, ergo sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”. To paraphrase, “I think about passion, therefore I am about passion!” And Stephen Covey said as one of his Seven Habits of Highly Successful People, “Begin with the end in mind!” With that in mind …
One, this can only be accomplished when both husband and wife are in it to win it. Queen and I agree that we want our “Lifestyle”, our “Fairytale”, to be one of passion for each other. Obviously, to glorify God, but as regards this issue, a unique Lifestyle/Fairytale of married, monogamous passion.
Two, this is a choice-based, “mind-game” deal, especially at our age, when the chemicals (hormones) are less “efficacious” than they used to be. We could passively ride them down their glide path to oblivion, or choose to “flap our wings”. We choose to flap, wildly!
Three, we choose to “invade” the moments of our lives with some kind of sexual, passionate meaning. We dress subtly provocatively. We flirt, use sexual innuendo, and “send heat” (text messages, pics, etc). We “choose to choose” passion over the Stuff of life, which can drown out passion.
Four, we do this with a time-focused intensity. Malcolm Gladwell, in his “The Tipping Point”, speaks of a flow of change that eventually and invisibly gets to a tipping point, where what’s going to happen, is going to happen! Good or bad. So, we daily fight against invisibly flowing to a passionless life.
Five, following this, we try to pursue “continuous improvement” in our passion. We connect with the engaging song, “Never Enough” from the musical “The Greatest Showman”. Was our passion “good enough” yesterday? Yes, it was great! How can we make even better? Good enough is not good enough.
There’s more, but this’ll do for now. All the “things” that we do sexually, passionately, are the “what’s”. But these ideas are the “why’s”, and I think need to come first. God created sex, with its “atomic” power, and put it in the lead-lined crucible of marriage for our benefit and protection.
It’s important we know why we’re using it, to what end. I would offer, to His glory and our benefit.
Blessings and passion.
“ One, this can only be accomplished when both husband and wife are in it to win it.”
I think this is the key. You guys rock in my book. I’m thrilled that you’re still pursuing intimacy after all those years of marriage. I’d call that marriage champions. 😉
My brother in Christ…I totally understand that I might to fully understand your situation, so take the meat and leave the bones of what I am about to say. By technical accounts I live in a "sexless" marriage. According to experts if you have sex less than three times in a month you're in a sexless marriage. Yay…"experts". But that doesn't mean I don't have intimacy with my wife. There are a TON of reasons that one may not be having the spiciest sex of their lives on a constant basis…and sometimes sites like this make it difficult because we see the "Highlight Reel" of others and assume that's their constant existence. There is no single ideal. There is no sexual perfection. There is only what you and your wife make of it. There are things written on here that my wife can't do (physical limitations) and won't do (stuff in the past getting in the way). There's no "trick" to triggering a relationship into spiciness. There is only figuring out if there is a block, why there is a block, how you as a couple will address the block, and how you as a couple will move forward to meeting each other's needs. Because we are called to meet one another's needs…but out of respect for the needs of the one meeting those needs as well. Sometimes that means that I'm not going to get sexual activity X because she thinks it's disgusting or it reminds her of trauma. So we have to get to the root of what activity X satisfies in me and find another route. There are so very many things that get in the way of a couple's intimacy, and they have to be addressed. And we have to remember that intimacy means more than PIV. My wife gets the same enjoyment out of me stroking her forehead while watching tv as I do having PIV with her. We both talk about it and respect both and provide for both. Also, I do want to finish this novel (apologies…I'm a writer IRL…;)) with pointing to the mini course offered in ads on this sight about God's Design for sex. We were in a bad spot. I said "Hey…can we watch this together?" We got half way through and it helped us shift a LOT of thinking and bad programming and we are better for it. Need to get to that other half though. 😉 It's all a process and a journey…and don't forget that comparison is carnality. Make your marriage and sex life together what is uniquely yours…not everyone else's highlight reel.
There are several things you said that I agree with wholeheartedly; there is more to intimacy than PIV, figuring out the block, just to name a couple.
I’m sorry for your struggles, but I’m glad you’re working to figure things out.
Happily married X46 yrs..always had a strong passion for my wife.
Work, kids, family obligations, things in life tend to get in the way of sharing time alone / together.
After many years I asked my wife, would you like to improve our sex life ? Thankfully, she said yes. I had begun reading an online article titled something like "rebooting your sex life" and thought it had some very good ideas .Read thru it (several times), took notes , and adapted portions of their program..which included a thinly shielded promotion to sell you a quite expensive sex toy., called the Sibian.The product still exists, the program doesn't. Using beneficial information from the article, and imagination we started holding "training sessions" , trying, & learning ways for my wife to get more enjoyment in our sexual play. Unfortunately the article is no longer available on the site. Though a google search of "rebooting your sex life" will provide a number of sources for suggestions. We discovered a search for increasing our pleasure in a loving, trusting relationship can improve a relationship greatly. Experimentation is an ongoing process.
46 years is amazing! And holding “training sessions” is truly inspiring. Your mutual willingness both to recognize a problem and do something about it speaks volumes towards the type of relationship you have. I’m very happy for y’all.
I think it may not be a popular notion here, and people may disagree with me, but I always believe that intimacy is temporary. We have some, and always wish for more. We become attached beyond ourselves and the demand increases, so the methods or actions must change. Our happiness and sadness is dictated by something that is sacred, but not wholly marriage itself – just as marriage is not wholly life itself.
So, an important thing to have is contentment. I know that God has given me this life, this married life. I can either sulk due to not having what I want more of, or have everything but fear losing it. Instead, live in the moment given to us by the Lord! I enjoy this moment, the current state of being, but I am cognizant that one day my hubby and I may not have the life we want in this regard. Age, more children, medical situations, etc. are all factors.
I know that over time, my marriage will have less sexuality woven into it. But, the basis of marriage is the Love of Christ, which feeds the love of man and wife. So, whilst I will still place effort and importance on sexuality, I am content with the natural ebb and flow which comes due to it.
Summary: be content, be understanding of changes in yourself and your spouse, and remember that marital sex is a blessing – and not an eternal one. So enjoy it while it is there, and learn to transform the energy you put into it, for other pursuits as a married pair – spiritual, emotional, or otherwise – which create, in my view, more important and ever lasting bonds.
Hi SophTea,
While my overall philosophy of marital intimacy my not line up completely with yours, you do make some good points. Your statement, “…basis of marriage is the Love of Christ, which feeds the love of man and wife,” is absolutely correct.
Cheers
The most dramatic thing that spiced up our sex lives, was discovering it didn’t have to be ‘one and done’. We discovered we could both have more than one orgasm, and instead of the ‘she comes first’ thing, we changed to ‘she comes a lot, and so does he!’ 🙂
Talk about sex, but not when your having sex. Before works best for us. Be open to constructive criticism, something new, something forgotten, whatever. Talking leads to show and tell, or research and development! 🙂
Realtors say ‘location location location!’ Good rule for sex. Our bed sees less sex than our backyard, or our couch, loveseat, or on the floor in front of the fire when it’s cold. We camp a lot, and go 4-wheeling a lot. We find a secluded place, and look out! We also get a hotel room now & then, close too. New places add to the excitement and enthusiasm!
Be spontaneous. Both of you. Either can initiate, any time any day. Horny? Reach out and grab something ‘important!’ Look fr those targets of opportunity to steel a feel, or…..whatever! Surprise is fun for both of us! NEVER refuse.
We try new positions, or old ones we haven’t tried in a while, even know don’t work as well, but they are a fun way to get started.
We are both oral, so it’s an almost every time thing for us. Hand jobs are way under rated, both for her and him. Masturbate together! It’s educational, besides being hot. Buy some toys. Keep buying toys. Shop for them together, online, naked! 🙂
So many things, but there’s some general ideas!
Wow! You guys are awesome! Inspirational! Rock stars! (And a lot of other amazing adjectives 😉) I think you guys have the kind of marriage that more of us should try to emulate. Good job Tulsa! #marriagechampions
Thanks KingdomMan!
We have always thought of sex, as just something to do……the feels real good! 🙂
Not an obligation or job or anything, just an activity to enjoy each other and ourselves. We also both go at it, with getting the other off as the real goal.
It think this has kept us out of sexual ruts, and boredom!
My wife experienced a huge turn around a little over a year ago. She had just turned 50 and was 4 years post-menopausal. It was like a switch flipped in her head. She is, for lack of a better term, a sapiosexual, and needs a good story in her head to feel horny. When she began thinking about a certain celebrity couple having wild sex, she became— and I'm not kidding— horny every day after that since. I had just started trying this unconventional therapy for female libido I learned on The Marriage Bed website involving hog pheromone spray. I would put a little on my neck, and a little on her pillow. In 3 months, I saw a remarkable transformation. Highly recommended.
Hi daisy1974,
I totally get the “needs a good story,” thing. And that’s really quite the turnaround 😂😉 I’m happy for you.
The “hog pheromone spray,” is something I’ve never heard of, but it might be worth looking into…😁
Kate and I will have our 7th anniversary in just a few weeks, which pales in comparison to some of the respondents above. What I can tell you is the sex has been WAY BETTER over the last 16 months or so than anytime early in our marriage. Two things come to mind that changed things up for us.
First, I knew I wanted to spice things up and try to bring out a wild side in her. I bought her a lot of sexy bodysuit style lingerie that she found interesting to wear. I should incorporate the introduction of that into a story one of these days. Haven't had as much time to write in recent weeks/months. Anyhow, it's not something that is frequent for us at this point, but an occasional boost we look forward to. Kate generally only puts the lingerie on after we have a good shower before hand. A shower beforehand is almost our "code" that we're feeling like a good night heavy on oral (Kate is sensitive about her odor, which has never been problematic at all) and analingus, a personal favorite for both of us.
Second, I finally opened up to Kate about my intense desire for anal sex with her. Obviously, introducing something new like that is going to naturally spice things up, as you're bringing in a whole new world. The "I want so badly to fuck you in the ass" reveal is quite the reveal, let me tell you. However, once it was all out on the table it was a sigh of relief. Once I had that conversation, I felt like I could pretty much tell her anything. Once you experience caressing your wife in the kitchen and inquiring about the state of her bowel movements for purposes of getting her greenlight for the act that night, you pretty much feel like you can talk about any topic. So, it wasn't as difficult when I asked her how she would feel about peeing all over each other before our showers, which again opened up a whole new world to our lovemaking. Our sex life has been taken to a whole new level from expanding what we do. Piss drenched bodies and rosebud romps have brought us a whole new level of openness with each other, and we couldn't be any more in love with each other.
I’m happy for both of you AlanAdventurous. Being bold enough to buy that sexy lingerie sounds like a win for both of you. As to your second point, communication is definitely key. I’m glad you found some ways to spice up your sex lives.
22 years into our marriage we set up a sex schedule. We were having some conflict over frequency and a schedule worked great for us. It did away with the desire discrepancy issue because the higher sex drive person (me) knew when sex was going to happen. On off days my wife would help me have an orgasm – usually by me loving on her beautiful breasts n then she loving on my man-nips as she or I pumped my rod to an orgasm. We still do this.
Our schedule is flexible out of health necessity but it really has helped spark our sex life. My wife doesn’t have a low sex drive so she’s ready and willing to make love on scheduled days. It WAS a schedule of every other day at first. We changed it to every 3 days a couple of years ago.
The second way we sparked our love life is thanks to Marriage Heat. MH introduced us to role-play sex. We don’t do role play every time but when we do it leads to epic lovemaking! Sometimes we just roleplay at home and other times on vacation or a night or two or three at a themed inn. We even got costumes. We recommend those themed inns! Sex in our hotel room or resort room is always special as well!
Slipping in some foreplay or full sex-time at unusual places has been fun too! Like: in the car my Melody flashing me, sex at a bird refuge, sex in my hospital room’s shower/bathroom, sex up the canyon in our van, & sex by our lit up Christmas tree at night. We have Santa n sexy Mrs. Claus outfits for that last one!
Doing those sexy things caused a resurgence in our sex life each time. It keeps it fresh! But a sex schedule made a huge difference too.
We still feel like our regular at-home sex is wonderful too. And that is partly because of the memories of the past unique lovemaking experiences.
I think those are all very good examples, and as far as I’m concerned, yours is a rockstar example of marital bliss.
What are themed hotels? Sounds interesting!