Advice Needed
Hello, MarriageHeat friends. I would like your advice, admonition, correction, insights.
We’re both in our 50’s, married 22 years. And both from a very strict, conservative Christian church, never had sex before marriage. Always believed masturbation is sin, using sex toys is out of the question. Sex itself is a taboo subject almost. The only reference is relating to sinful sex outside marriage etc. Seldom any positive things.
So the reality for probably most normal men, I started masturbating at 15. I always felt or believed it to be a sin, trying to refrain/abstain for 40 years. Now I am 56 and sort of realized how much unnecessary shame and guilt I piled on top of myself. I felt despair and like a loser resisting for a week or two but then succumbing to the urge.
I confess I used porn for a while before we married. And also after we married when the 3 kids came 2 years apart. Sex was scarce in those years when my wife had to nurse and had them all by caesarean.
Not to excuse myself but the porn was not daily or compulsive like what some people struggle with today. It was occasional, every month or so, and then a binge of a day or 2. And then the cycle of guilt and shame. And all that while I was in a church which expects complete confession of all known sin. So I went to a counselor to confess my masturbation, and the porn use, every time it happened.
Since around 2011 up to now I seriously tried to recover from the porn use. I do feel that I have overcome it. Confessing every time to my counselor and having accountability helps. I use accountability software, and have learned about addiction, porn addiction and how it affects the brain.
My counselor told me never to tell my wife, I just needed to confess to him. I felt I needed to come clean with her. When I mentioned it, she did not want to hear it. She feels I should sort it out myself with my counselor.
It all makes our sex life complicated, for me. She is happy to have sex once a week and sometimes another day in the week when she is eager. Over the years, I’ve been very oversensitive for rejection. I have become resentful and bitter in a way that she is not as interested in sex as I am. But she does not like me to masturbate when she is not wanting sex at that moment.
So I tried over the years to resist masturbation. I sought to wait until the weekend or when she is willing to have sex. In the last few years I stopped trying to initiate in the week when I am horny. And I was tired of the rejection. I try to make her cum first, but she says its not that important to her.
Duty sex is NOT something I want her to have anymore. It felt like for years she complied with my wishes during the sessions in the week. I want her to enjoy it and be in the moment with me. And she is, but that only once a week. She is not much up to anything else but the missionary position. Pleasuring herself, the use of toys, and other positions, etc. seem out.
And she is happy with that. But I am not happy and I am not good at not showing it. So I get grumpy or whiny, and then she feels bad.
And we’re both so shy and uptight about sexual stuff that we cannot really have a great open relaxed conversation.
So, now I am one of those people who actually should not be here on this site. The About-section explains because my wife does not know I am here. And the stories probably make me feel resentful about my reality.
So, now I am one of those people who actually should not be here on this site. The About-section explains because my wife does not know I am here. And the stories probably make me feel resentful about my reality.
But here is a forum where I assume I can ask these things without judgment. I have bodily needs. I sometimes feel the need to masturbate if we have not had sex for a few days or so. But what should I do, if I changed my view on masturbation? For years I believed it to be always a sin. I do believe it can be a sin when done with porn and compulsively as an escape from reality. Also escape from difficult situations that should be dealt with in better, other ways. I do believe it is not a sin when addressing a physical urge and to release pent up sexual tension/frustration. Or as part of lovemaking with my wife.
I am supposed to confess my sins to my counselor. But I don’t want to believe that masturbation is always a sin. If done without porn and while thinking of my wife or focussing on the sensations? Why not OK. My wife might believe it is a sin, too. And she might not want me to do it. So what now? And I find it just realistically, practically impossible not to do it sometimes.
Should I continue trying to abstain forever until I die? Should I try to talk to my wife again? It would be to explain or try convince her that I believe it to be OK.
At some stage she made me touch myself as part of our lovemaking. It kind of turned her on, but not recently.
I am wracked with confusion and cognitive dissonance on this topic. Sometimes I am obsessed with reading the different views on masturbation in marriage and as a Christian. Most are negative and condemning and judgmental. How do I continue to live? I love my wife, I want to be with her. And I want her to enjoy the richness of a full sexual experience as God meant it to be. But this masturbation thing is like a nagging monster.
Thanks for listening and sorry for the rambling. How do I know if I am not maybe addicted to masturbation? I am not even doing it daily. Frankly, at 56, I just physically cannot do it daily. I am scared it may prevent me from being ready for sex with my wife. When the time comes on a Saturday or Sunday evening or morning, I want to be ready.
My best streak of abstaining was about 7 to 9 months. I could never yet make it a year without masturbation. I always wished I could get to 365 days. It was kind of a challenge, a dream, a goal, but alas, only failure so far.
My situation is not too distant from yours. It seems your position on masturbation is reasonable, despite your stated conflicts. The "it's sinful, don't do it" view utilizes very vague logic to support its case. If it keeps you regulated and you're not using it as a permanent replacement for intimacy with your wife, I'm inclined to think you're using it correctly. A logical comparison; do you or your wife make it a point to tell each other every time you take headache medication? Of course not. It's a physical need and you take care of it and go on with your day. Therefore, I would suggest that you treat masturbating in the same manner. If it's necessary as sexual activity is not imminent, take care of yourself and go on with your day. One small piece of advice. Do not be focused on getting it done quickly. Taking your time will benefit you when you and your wife are intimate.
I also understand and agree with the posts given. Have lived this way for 47 years.
Believing Scripture is true, I have made Proverbs 3:5-6 my life verse,”Trust in the Lord…and He will make your paths straight .”
Monk, your story sounds quite similar to mine, minus the guilt and shame. My wife was raised more conservatively on sex than I, and this, along with her lower libido, has decreased our times of intimacy considerably. I hope it doesn’t sound flippant to say “be thankful it’s once a week”, but that is frequent sex in my book.
As far as masturbation goes, I do not believe it is a sin, but doing so without your wife could have diminished returns emotionally speaking? and it would be better if she participated in your masturbation moments when you have urges that she doesn’t align with. Is couples counseling out of the question?
Your situation was somewhat like my 1st marriage. I am now married a 2nd time for 26 years after 19 years the 1st time. Your frequently is about where we are at now and I also get frisky after 2-3 days. My wife loves a good back rub and foot rub and I'll settle for a hand job. So some nights I offer a rub and tug option and that helps. Sometimes I just do the back rub and skip the tug if she's tired. I also believe joint counseling for a few visits might be helpful for the 2 of you. Have a Blessed Day.
Monk,
The Bible is clear, sex is for making babies and pleasure with each other (see Song of Solomon). I believe that all is permitted as part of our intimate union with each other as husband and wife. Masterbation itself is not a sin, but the act combined with pornography is. I travel a good bit with my work, and use masterbation as a form of sexual release when I can not get what I need from my wife.
My wife used to be like yours. She grew up in a very conservative household where sex was viewed as "dirty", and something you did to have children. She was not taught that sex was intended for pleasure. I thought it was me. That I was doing something wrong. Fast forward a few years, and a good friend recommended we read the book "Sheet Music" by Dr. Kevin Leman. It is a very honest and practical look at Sexual Intimacy in Marriage. I got the courage and asked by wife to read the book with me. It totally changed her view of sex, and our enjoyment in the bedroom. It also opened our communication of the needs to each other. So my recommendation is start there. Let her know you long for a closer more intimate relationship. In additon, I would also recommend counseling. Every couple needs some outside help to push them back towards each other.
Sorry you are struggling. I will address a couple of things you brought up. If sexual fequency is an issue make a sex schedule. You both compromise and keep to the schedule as much as possible- but be flexible with health issues etc.
I wanted sex far more often than my wife. So we discussed this (we saw a marriage/sex therapist) and we “came” up with a good compromise. It was sex every-other-day but my wife usually only went for an orgasm 1/2 of the days. We called those days “quickie days.” Then due to age n health issues we changed to every 3 days then every 3-4 days.
However, I feel like I need an orgasm nearly every day so we have a system called “FMP” for fix my problem. My wife will nibble on my left nipple while I masturbate to orgasm. Last year she got me a vibrating stroker and I frequently use that. It makes cumming less work and that is easier on my bad heart. Sometimes it is only done manually and she’ll take turns stroking me. About half the time I get a little bit of boob-time – orally loving on HER nipples and that really helps get my motor revved up.
I have a stack of microfiber cloths for clean-up. That’s particularly neccesary because I use coconut oil with the Hello Cake Vibrating Make Stroker. During full sex days my wife uses at least three different vibrators. Due to some health issues early on in our marriage we tried a vibrator and it was a game-changer for us. My early onset RA had made it very difficult for me to stroke my wife’s clitoris long enough for her to climax. We think vibrators are a blessing and certainly not evil.
As Christians we really need to see sex in marriage as a positive thing and that sexual pleasure is God-given. We should strive to meet our spouse’s sexual needs. That is what the Lord expects us to do.
I would recommend that you find a sex-positive Christian counselor/therapist. Individual and couple therapy may help you two resolve this issue. It is common for desire discrepancies to arise in a marriage but there are ways to deal with this issue. Of course you ARE seeing a therapist. Is he a good fit for you? It sounds like he probably is. But your wife may benefit from therapy from a sex-positive therapist. She’d probably prefer to see a female therapist. Then together see a marriage therapist to work out a compromise.
That would be my recommendation.
I know that many people in MH feel that solo masturbation is not wrong. If in your heart you feel solo masturbation is wrong then I would think masturbation as part of your sex sessions with your wife or her helping masturbate you on off days would be 100% acceptable. We do masturbation as part of our sex session every time. It’s part of staying aroused. So your wife helping you masturbate to orgasm on days you need the release but are not planning on having full sexual intercourse could really help “fix your problem.”
I know that everyone is different but I’ve shared what has worked for us. Not only were my wife n I both raised in very strict conservative Christian church, we were both sexually abused as children. But by the time we met we’d both had extensive therapy and that made a successful sex-filled marriage possible.
Finally, what dickie37 said may help you keep things in perspective. He said that sex once a week would be great to him.
The therapist team (husband n wife) we saw were both very helpful. My therapist was the husband. When I first met and complained about the frequency of sex in my marriage he said,”My wife and I are sex therapists. We love sex! But you are complaining when in actuality you are haven more frequent sex than we are. Learning to feel grateful for what I had really helped me. Or as Shania Twain put it:
“It’s not having what you want.
It’s wanting what you’ve got!”
That being said, there is always room for improvement and progress in your marital relationship. Resolving our desire discrepancy issues led to a lot less quarrels!
One more thing my therapist told us is that sexual moods can vary from “I’m hot and horny I want it NOW!” to “This is nice mellow sex and that’s my mood right now so it’s ok.”
I pray that you and your wife can find ways to work this all out. I’m not a sex therapist but this is what worked for my Melody n I.
I’ve never commented posted before. I’m always the lurker. However, is it appropriate to send advice? I relate to this post so so much. For twenty plus years I have struggled with purity culture and have only in the past few years found some freedom.
I here you. My wife was raised in a very strict household. Her mom showed no affection. Sex was never discussed in a positive light. We were both virgins when we married at 25. Married nearly 32 years now. She tried really hard the first half of our marriage to overcome some of the challenges from her upbringing. Once the kids came, sex became less frequent. She caught me masturbating in my office when we were married about 15 years and it freaked her out. Even though I told her when we were first married I did it and so does every man she knows. She is not open to toys. Very vanilla sex with missionary only. When we were younger she let me eat her pussy on occasion and I always gave her manual or oral orgasms after sex. Never had a BJ, ever. That is mostly due to my size of 6.5 flaccid and 7.5 hard and over 6" in girth. I am as thick as her shaving can and it can cause pain unless I lube up a ton and slowly go in. She has never admitted to masturbating although she woke me up (I didn't let her know I was awake) when we were younger and the bed was shaking. It turned me on so much that I had to jack off later. Her mom did her and her sisters such a disservice by raising them in such a negative sexual environment. We have sought counseling 3 times in our marriage but she will not agree to go to anymore. Like the other husband said above, your once a week frequency is very good. I had that for the majority of our marriage but next to nothing now. Masturbation helped me stay a virgin until I married. It has also helped me remain faithful to my wife and to God during these times of famine. Like you, I had a brief stint of porn use but God gave me the strength to stop it before it got to be a regular thing. Like sex itself, masturbation can be abused just like food, work and other things if not kept in moderation. Just remember to focus on your wife when you are jacking/edging. Read stories on marriage heat and imagine you both in them. The enemy wants us to feel guilty about things that are designed to be accepted with thanksgiving and praise in the marriage bed. Be thankful to be a man and this wonderful sex drive. Just channel it honorably.
Oh boy, this moves and grieves me, yet I'm so glad you found this site. It is a gathering of goodhearted, pro-married-heat people, couples and singles (of which I am the latter) that build each other up in Biblical views of sex. So, I'll give my two bits' worth. Definitely get counseling. If you both can, even better. I would suggest as a help to your view of masturbation that you read my personal story posts, because I too struggled with guilt and shame for years and finally dove into searching for the Scriptural answer. Look at "Single Girl's Journey to Truth" for starters. I know my situation is different because I have no spouse to weigh in with, but I think the principle applies to everyone regardless of marital status. God has given us the gift of masturbation to relieve our sexual buildup and maintain good health (it radically helps some of my issues). My view of porn is a little unique in that I don't think all erotica is evil. Videos of lovemaking between monogamous couples are very inspiring, educational, and arousing to me. The issue is where our heart is. If we lust for the subjects, that's sin. But if we are simply appreciating two people in love and preparing ourselves in body and mind for our spouse, present or future, then I cannot see any sin. For you, as a husband, this goes deeper because you are one flesh with another human being, and she must be taken into account in every area. So that's where counseling and maybe sex therapy is necessary. If you could get her to join this site and read the stories, especially the journey from guilt to Biblical freedom stories, like mine, it might help her change her view of sex. Mine was like hers: it was dirty, taboo, you don't talk about it. Now, through the work of God in my life, I am a secret vixen that is saving up all her sexiness for her future husband and enjoying the prep of masturbation and research in the meantime. God can change anyone. I will pray for you both. This is a hard struggle, and I somewhat understand it. I'm watching my parents also struggle. They need counseling too and it's taking so long to happen. But the Lord is still in charge and He has a great plan in mind!
Hi LLL, do you have a favorite video of lovemaking between a monogamous couple you'd recommend and be able to describe how to find online? Interested to see what you are talking about. As a single man, your story "Cream" had me wishing there was video to go with it too! Well done.
LivingHope, there are a number of married couples on Pornhub that I enjoy. A few of them may sometimes introduce a third party to their marriage bed, but I don't watch those. Look for the users BENinCHLOE, Kate Marley, Wootsii, and PenelopeAndtheDude. Other suggestions will show up below these. Again, not all of them are necessarily monogamous and some might not even be married, but I stick to the ones that appear to be. As to your comment about my Cream story, I would be open to making sex videos with my future husband for our personal use!
Thanks! I'll have to check those recommendations focused on married, monogamous sex out. First I'll go re-read your Cream story though and work up a different cream of my own. 🙂
Reading this makes me want to scream with frustration with you. I am stuck in a sexless, loveless marriage with a wive who refuses to forgive me for past failures and who believes masturbation is a sin. I am truly free of pornography, but I have needs. I meet all of her physical needs by providing all of her material needs. She gets her emotional needs with our young, adopted children. My needs don't matter to her. My only release is masturbation. She has me in a no-win situation. If I masturbate, I'm sinning (according to her). But, apparently it's okay for her to sin by withholding sex from me. What she is doing is wicked. She does not understand that ejaculation inside of a woman whom one loves is not only a physical release, but emotional. Very much emotional.
I apologize for going on my own rant. All I can say brother, is that I feel you. I feel your frustration. No, I believe God gave us men masturbation as a healthy outlet for our unmet sexual needs. If my wife would allow me to reconcile with here and have intercourse, I would have no problem discontinuing my masturbation. But, she leaves me no choice. If I try to go too long without it, I become irritable and angry and it affects me at work.
I commend you from refraining from porn. I've overcome my own addiction to it, but it has come at a cost. The cost of unmet desires and needs. May God convict my rebellious wife.
All I can say is, you have no reason to feel guilty. It's not a sin unless you are doing it while denying sex to your wife, which you are obviously not doing.
Stroke away. And visualize sex with your wife while doing it, as you mentioned. That's what I do. I even cry out her name. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some personal needs to take care of…
I grieve for you gentlemen that have to live with this. May the Lord do miracles for you all. I will pray that He steps in and rebukes the devil who is trying to wreck your lives.
I’m LDS (Mormon) -and our faith stays out of the bedroom. When you’re married, you can do whatever you want with the two of you. Masturbation is discouraged, but only because of the lure of porn or indecent thoughts. But they don’t ask you if masturbate. If they do, you need to report it to a higher church leader.
I masturbate as often as I can, and before my wife died, we had great adventures in our live making.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I think porn is one of the most addictive things out there and not at all beneficial for you, but I also don't agree with how a lot of the Church has presented this topic either. I found far more help in quitting porn reading articles from The Art of Manliness and other secular sources like NoFap and Fight the New Drug, as well as the perspective of sexual addiction presented by J.G. Ballard in his novel CRASH.
If your wife thinks that you looking at porn is the same as committing adultery against her then good luck getting her to think otherwise, and I think that puts you in a particularly difficult position, considering you told her against your religious counselor's advice! First of all I think marriage counseling is a must for both of you, and there's a great book called RESTORING THE PLEASURE by Clifford & Joyce Penner which might be a good resource for you as well, but there are many books I'd second off MH's recommended reading list. Your wife might benefit from reading something like DIVINE SEX by Danisa Suarez, if you can get her to…but the thing is, you both have to see that there's a problem and be willing to move forward on improving your marriage for anything to ever get better.
Also, the longest I've ever gone without masturbating is 45 days, so 7 months is incredible. It seems that sex 1-2 times a week is pretty normal as far as couples go, I'm sorry if you don't feel like it's enough but looking up some statistics might actually put things in perspective for you. I don't think you have it nearly as bad as a lot of men.
Porn is separate from masturbation, so you must get to the place where you aren't combining the two. As far as whether it's a sin, I'd say no it's not, but something like Romans 14 might need to be taken into consideration where your wife is involved. I pray that you can take this to God and that He will remove your shame! I've been working through a lot of that in my own life over the last year or two.
Me lady gave me a hand job in the shower the other day because it's that time of the month for her. I am planning all kinds of dirty things to do to her in return when it is over.
Masturbation is not fulfilling to me. I would rather her touch me down there. If she wants to have me inside her, I prefer she not rub me down there at all so I can last longer in her.
I don't think it's a sin unless it prevents you from satisfying her needs. This doesn't seem to be a problem because she doesn't need it as much.
Maybe she doesn't feel attractive or sexy. I know I don't want to do it when I'm sick or feel sweaty and smelly.
My heart breaks for all these stories of broken relationships. God, please breathe life into your people, and let these marriages be restored to thriving love as you designed them to be!
To address the original post, I do have some thoughts on the situation.
The whole confessing-to-a-counselor arrangement is weird and smells of something unhealthy, legalistic and controlling. It sounds like this counselor is probably associated with your church, yes? Is this confession a church requirement? No church has the biblical authority to require anything like that, and even making it an "expectation" in any official way is questionable. It's not completely bad, though, if you're getting value from the accountability. The counselor's recommendation to never tell your wife about your porn use also seems very unhealthy to me. I can understand temporarily delaying a confession to her so that it can be done in the right way, but hiding it forever sounds exactly contrary to the idea of confessing that this counselor seems to promote, and sounds super hypocritical. Spouses should be the first ones we go to! We certainly shouldn't hide things from them! I personally think you were right to ignore that recommendation, follow your conscience, and confess to her anyway. I'd like to know that counselor's reasoning, because on the surface it sounds like a seriously toxic twisting of biblical guidance.
You're correct to have changed your belief about masturbation, and I think you have it correct now. While I believe there are theoretically plausible arguments that can be made against it from scripture, theoretically plausible arguments are not nearly enough to universally declare something to be sinful. There is nothing in the Bible that clearly condemns it as a sin, so it is wrong to add to his Word and make it say something it does not. (Deuteronomy 12:32, Proverbs 30:6, Matthew 15:9)
Yes, I would talk to your wife again to explain your changed view on masturbation. If she thinks it's a sin, challenge her (kindly) to explain why she believes that, based on scripture. Maybe, if she's humble and open enough, she'll see that the biblical support for an anti-masturbation position is very thin.
Of course, the ideal arrangement would be for you two to have sex often enough that you're both satisfied. Short of any mutual sexual interaction (with her helping bring you release), the next healthiest option would be for you to be able to masturbate with her knowledge and blessing. But for that, she has to be able to accept the legitimacy of masturbation first.
But convincing her of that may be tricky because it gets into the issue you brought up about the awkwardness of talking about sexual things. You may need to try talking to her again once the two of you have made some progress in that area. And I do strongly suggest you make intentional effort to improve your communication in that area. This is probably the most important thing you can do to help your situation. (Of course, it will rely on a foundation of maintaining and growing your overall relationships with God and with your wife. No tips, tricks, techniques or advice will work if you don't have that starting point.)
I understand sexual things can be difficult to talk about, especially once you're mature, middle-aged adults who are established in their ways and mindsets. But you can still learn, change and grow! And this is something that's important to grow in. Think of it this way: you're having sex, but can't talk about it? That's silly! Then again, humans are silly creatures. That's not meant as judgment, it's meant to bring a new perspective. If you're having sex, there's no reason at all that you shouldn't be able to talk about it. No reason at all! Not logical, social, moral or practical. The act itself is way more intense, intimate and vulnerable than just talking about it. It's merely an awkward mental block. Things that are new to us (like talking about sex) can be awkward and embarrassing. The only way to make it less awkward is to face the awkwardness and do it anyway. By doing this, you can gradually make the awkwardness go away. This is a well-documented way to overcome all kinds of fears. It will take effort over time, but that's how all worthwhile growth is accomplished! Improving your ability to communicate will be a major foundation of growth in your relationship with your wife, including any sexual improvements, because you'll have to talk about relational and sexual matters with more depth and seriousness to get things to change. It'll be very difficult to make any change if you can't properly communicate and understand each other's desires, hesitations, needs, and emotions in this area. Changes are likely to be tough and slow, in communication, in the sexual relationship, and beyond. But change is still possible, and still necessary.
Lies must be fought any place and any time we find them in our lives. And the lie that sex should be anything less than awesome is pervasive in the Christian community. It needs to be fought tenaciously! And we need to remember we are fighting a lie of Satan, not our church leaders and spouses! We must treat them with love in our fight against evil.
It seems like questions and issues like this have come up a lot lately on MH. I think we could use a focus on some resources that could help couples grow to embrace a biblical view of sex, communicate about it openly, and enjoy it freely! It's such a serious and under-served need. MH community, please join me in praying for God to bring a reawakening of sexual understanding and vibrancy among his people, and to equip leaders to minister to those needs well!
I’m afraid I can’t really give you much advice, other than to echo that of others who have suggested a marriage counselor or a sex therapist. Both are good options if she’s willing, but that’s the key.
As far as masturbation goes, it isn’t a sin. It just isn’t. What you use for inspiration is between you and The Lord, but the stories here are a good start.
Thanks for sharing. Like many above, I can very much relate to your situation.
The one thing that isn’t clear to me is whether your wife also feels things are not sustainable and is willing to invest some effort to change things. All the above suggestions of books and conversations are great if she is up for that. But I’m guessing this is more a situation where she’s not comfortable and/or not motivated to go there – and it’s more “why can’t you just accept what we have?” What you’ve reported here is her trying to change/control you rather than making efforts herself (tho perhaps there’s more to the story).
With that assumption in mind that she’s not likely to change…two strong opinions:
1. It’s a terrible trap to not be getting much sex and also not being able to take things “into your own hands.” Nearly every teaching I’ve seen against masturbation portrays it as choosing MB over sex – ie neglecting your spouse – which I suppose happens for some, but I think is mostly, well, crap. For most men at least jacking off is like you’ve described – desperate for some relief after pouring all your effort into getting your wife to say yes and getting repeatedly shot down, and actively managing it so it doesn’t get in the way of any chance you get for actual sex. The prioritization is crystal-clear. But so much of the condemnation of masturbation acts like you’re doing the opposite.
I am about your age and can very much relate to your history. But over time and in my own situation I’ve decided masturbation is an essential and basically healthy tool that allows us to manage our individual sexuality, especially if our spouse really struggles to keep up. There are reasonable limits of course but I think a blanket prohibition is more harmful than good.
2. “Porn” is like junk food; not good for you, easy to overindulge, and best avoided entirely, but not the end of the world in small quantities. And everyone seems to have their own definition. With great respect to our hard-working MH hosts, most people would consider this site pornographic even though it’s mostly words. I also think “porn addiction” is overused – while it can turn into compulsive and destructive behavior, it’s normal to at least be interested in sexy things. You have to figure out sustainable boundaries.
Bottom line – we all need to figure out a sustainable way of managing our sexuality beyond the boom-bust cycle of abstinence, frustration, etc. that you describe.
That was honest and compelling. A lot of Christian men are in the same predicament so you aren't alone.
I'm 53, married 30 years. Our sex life is good if you measure "good" by the number of orgasms she has and how relaxed and satisfied she is afterwards. And I'm happy she enjoys it. I'm not well endowed but I'm creative, good with my hands (she says I could be a masseuse) and not afraid to mix it up. And I get some pleasure from her enjoying it.
It's poor if you measure it by frequency of sex and her taking initiative to please me in new ways. Because she is a complete taker, not a giver. Never offered oral sex despite enjoying when I do it to her, still acting like a teenager with my cock ("how should I rub it?" she asks), skittish about female sex toys (save a few instances a few years ago, that's another story), and never once really talked with me about what I truly want.
But to her credit, she has gotten more daring over the years as I continue to slowly nudge. We finally visited our first sex store last month, it was awesome. But I'm constantly the one having to lead. She doesn't do anything like that and even when I do propose something, I'm always nervous. I have a longer story on that if you are interested but I don't want to monopolize the conversation as this is about you.
I say all that because I believe there is hope for you and your sexual relationship.
First of all, I too struggled with porn. Our sex life has been sex once every 2-4 weeks for decades so Porn was inevitable and prob twice a week at the most, partly as coping and partly because it felt delicious. Now it's once or twice a month tops. I frequently masturbate to thoughts of my wife but I've long stopped feeling guilty if I have a masturbation session watching erotica.
I personally don't believe you will change in terms of those desires. At least not in the short term. It's who we are. It's not bad. It's biology. Your wife isn't stepping up and you are looking for a connection.
So I would give yourself the grace to enjoy partial pleasure even if it's porn. I think confessing to a counselor is only going to prolong your agony. Better guilt free porn than depression or actual infidelity because your frustration could lead to that. But be responsible because porn is like candy, too much can make you sick.
Communication is key, sounds cliche but there is little hope for change unless you continue to try to lead. You might take her on a short vacation, couple days to somewhere she likes and use that as a vehicle for a very deep conversation.
I had one with my very Bible centered wife recently about porn. But this time it was guilt-free, no apologies and involved my use of erotica to cope but that I would much rather connect with her. In new ways and ways she may not be used to. It went much better than I thought it would and yes, I was terrified of rejection.
15 years ago that conversation would have blown up in my face, so timing matters. But I took the plunge.
I hope this helps some and let me know if you ever want to discuss.
I think you might be asking yourself a wrong question. It does not matter at all in your case, no answer will heal your internal wound and fulfill your yearning for love. I think sharing your emotions and thoughts with your wife and God might help. What helped us was imago dialog: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imago_therapy
It is a relatively simple technique but still hard to start with without external help from a therapist at the beginning. You can discuss the most hot topics later in privacy with your wife, if you find it hard in front of the therapist. But even risking in front of a foreign person can be healing 🙂