Happy Wife, Happy Life?
[To the reader: I understand this question is not all inclusive. I understand that it is not relevant in every case. It is not a reflection of the general attitude of all men or women. It is not an attempt to categorize anyone or any gender, nor is it intended to be offensive in any way. It’s just a question.]
A common saying these days is, “Happy wife, happy life.”
It certainly wins the approval of the secular community, but is this Biblical? While not always the case, it is quite common for the potential wife to be the one pursued in the early stages of the relationship, and this often sets the tone in a marriage that follows. The husband feels he must always keep her happy, and the wife feels it’s his job to do so.
It eventually turns into a completely one-sided relationship where the wife feels no obligation to reciprocate or apply any effort to the marriage whatsoever. She simply sits and waits to be satisfied in some way. Even in marriages where the man is a giver, it simply cannot be maintained. Even a giver has needs, and if they are continually unmet, he will give out.
I understand there are cases where the reverse is true, but the result is the same. So, perhaps a better question is: What is the proper ratio between the pursuer and the pursued in a relationship between husband and wife? Shouldn’t each be the pursuer?
So, then the question becomes this: How do you set that tone in a relationship? Then: How do you maintain that tone? Finally: How do you get two people to spend a lifetime pursuing each other?
So … thoughts?
What a great question, KingdomMan. And I sense that in your case it may not be completely hypothetical. My thoughts are these: yes, the man should definitely be the pursuer in the courtship process. Desperate or flirty women who chase men are not attractive. Even Biblically, that isn't womanly behavior. But once a couple is married, I firmly believe that both should pursue and give and sacrifice. If both are doing that, then both will be satisfied. I can't imagine getting married and not wanting to study and chase and love my man. That's something I'm looking forward to! And I want him to do the same for me. Men and women both have needs that have to be met; marriages don't work if one party isn't participating. I speak as an observer of some not-so-great marriages. I wish there was more teaching on this topic. If the opportunity arises, I will share MarriageHeat with the people whom I think could benefit from it. My take is that many Christians, especially women, have the wrong view of sex. Too many wives either aren't interested in intimacy or actively withhold it from their husbands, and that makes me mad. Some solid Biblical teaching, not marred by human interpretation, could really help them.
Hi LLL,
You’re right on more than one point. Not the least of which is this one, “I wish there was more teaching on this topic.”
There would be far less trouble if we had and we were better teachers.
Reading this, I have 2 perspectives.
The 1st, & most important, because it's Biblical: Ephesians 5:22-27 (New International Version)
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
My belief is the husband and wife should equally make efforts to love one another.
I actually learned this from an observation of a married couple that I had the blessing to meet.
Though she was not an "aunt" in the biologic sense, Bennie was raised by my maternal grandparents. Back in Depression times, some large families couldn't support their children, so it was fairly common for other families to take in friend's or relatives children. This was Bennie's experience. She met & married Leo, and they'd been married a long time, were in their late 60's-early 70's when I had the good fortune to meet them. I'd just graduated from the USN bootcamp when I met them for the first time; they attended my graduation ceremony, and took me to their home afterwards.
I don't recall how/why they came to my graduation. Perhaps my Mother called & asked them to attend. Regardless, I was impressed with the kindness that Leo showed Bennie and how much Love Bennie showed Leo. They had been childless, but had owned their own business and hired many youngsters to work there. They became close to many of their workers and their families. This was evident despite the employees growing up, having families of their own, yet they kept in contact with Bennie & Leo. I believe it was their Christian love that filled their lives. For several years, I spent time visiting them and was always impressed how they responded toward their mate, despite having been married for 50 yrs or so.
It was as if they were always trying to "outdo" each other in being kind, thoughtful, & nice to each other.
I'd not seen or experienced this kind of attitude expressed in a marriage relationship before. It was/is a beautiful thing, being nice towards each other. I have tried to use this attitude toward my wife: to help her in all things, to share in the work of running a household, raising children, and spending time together. My wife is the most important person in my life, right behind the Love I have for the Holy Trinity, and I treat her as such. She's my best friend & I share all I have with her.
I believe Bennie & Leo are sharing their love in heaven, as they were both believers. I wish I had thought to thank them for the example they provided me to follow in my relationship with my wife.
Hi oldtimer,
Most husbands jump through the roof over Ephesians 5:22-24, but fail entirely in verses 25-27.
It sounds like Bennie and Leo were great people and awesome mentors. I’m glad you were able to know them and still carry their wisdom and influence with you today. We need more couples like them.
My response to that comment has been to say, "Happy spouse, Happy house." Much more biblical.
The phrase I use, because I share your concern, is “Happy spouse, happy house.”
We are call to be in mutual submission to one another and what that looks like is different based on gender. I won’t go into too much detail, but suffice to say Men are called to lead and love her the way Jesus loves the church, which is top priority is her mental and spiritual well-being (through the washing of the word…yes this means couples Bible study as well as other things) and giving ourselves for her even up to death. For Women they are also to be Christlike in their “submission”. The scriptures also say that we are to be concerned for one another’s sexual satisfaction. There is NOTHING Christlike in a woman, or man, who sits back and demands to be pleased or withholds approval until their spouse “measures up” by whatever metric they might use.
What I find very interesting is people's reaction to “Happy Spouse, Happy House”. When I have used it, the women reject it and the men look nervously around. And this is true for BOTH Christian and non-Christian couples.
What they don’t realize they are saying is something in the spirit of, “If I don’t have this saying to hold over him, he won’t do the things I want him to do to make ME happy. I would lose power.” Which is fine, if you are of the world. They don’t have the words of Life. But for Christian couples? We aren’t supposed to be “first.” There is no scripture that makes us the most important in a relationship. The greatest is the least, the “first” is the last. Men, treat her like a Queen. Women, treat him like a King. We don’t get excuses.
In my opinion happiness is not reliant upon pursuit, so I am not going to talk about pursuit here. As far as the saying "Happy wife Happy life" goes….it is a load of bunk. It is not your responsibility to make another person happy, let alone a spouse; doing so sets up unrealistic expectations. How can I make another person happy if I can't even make myself happy half the time???? No, happiness is an individual responsibility. I mean, there are many single people out there who are happy and content with life. But guaranteed they did something to find their own happiness. I think the best scenario for a happy marriage is when two individuals who are complete and whole and happy in and of themselves come together and expound on the happiness they already have. There is so much more to be said of this, but the prospect is simple. Trying to make someone else happy ALWAYS fails. There are too many broken marriages out there where one or both spouses fully expected the other to make them happy, and they ended up falling short of that goal. If you are not a happy person by yourself, then you need to look deep within, look at your core wounds from when you were younger, identify them and heal from them. See a therapist. Take a marriage intensive course or weekend. It is well worth the effort and investment. Trust me, I know this all to well.
The saying 'Happy wife, happy life' is used here in the UK, but very 'tongue in cheek' no one ever really takes it seriously! so wondering if there are some cultural translation issues here! Saying that, I completely agree with most of the commenters above! No one is remotely responsible for another's happiness, be it your wife's or otherwise! Sure, we can add/contribute to happiness for another person, however within marriage that should be based on mutual love, respect, and equity. I'm also slightly concerned about the interpretation of the scriptures quoted above and think that gender roles can vary massively between married couples for a wealth of reasons. And there is nothing wrong with that, so long as it works for the couple involved. Where we see misogyny, in the church or in popular culture, we should call it out; our faith is not supposed to be complex, and incorrect or outdated interpretations of gender roles must be called out, particularly where scriptures are used to justify them! I also think there is a tendency to use scripture to justify unhappiness within marriage. i.e., "I'm a Christian, so I cannot leave, challenge, etc." That is another topic for another day, but whatever our religious persuasion, we are adults, who cannot use religion to justify inaction or our own suffering, particularly when we've had a hand in choosing it! We either have to act to challenge/change the unhappiness or accept that we have chosen to remain within it and find other ways to feel happy/complete. (Easier said than applied, I know!) I'm saying this as one who's marriage has its challenges, but my sense of happiness or self has grown, evolved, and found its life forces outside of that institution, and I treasure that. Brilliant discussion question, BTW!
Exactly what have you read here that shows hatred of or contempt for women (the literal definition of misogyny)?
I don't think starlight was alluding to misogyny within the MH community. -Missy
Hi starlight,
It’s funny how the same phrase can mean different things in different cultures. I continue to pray for your marriage and I love this, “ I'm saying this as one who's marriage has its challenges, but my sense of happiness or self has grown, evolved, and found its life forces outside of that institution, and I treasure that.”
I don't see this as a Christian vs secular thing, but just an anachronism. I think it harkens back to a time when wives often were taken for granted and expected to prioritize their husband's happiness, while the reverse wasn't always true. So it's a reminder to husbands to not take their wives for granted.
These days 'happy spouse, happy house" is indeed better, and just reminds both husbands and wives that in a healthy marriage both need to make an effort for each other.
During our pre-wedding counseling, the minister said happiness and responsibilities should be divided 70/30. If both people in the marriage feel like they are giving 70%, it will probably work out fine.