For My Singles
It’s your boy, Husband In Training/“HIT” here, and I wholeheartedly believe I’ve been led to write this. Of course, I’ve written several stories in the past and picked back up my pen to begin composing stories again because, honestly, a single man needs a physical AND mental release. After all, sometimes I want to hold on to that “buzz” I get from horniness and channel that energy into the gym or something else. “Shooting” isn’t always practical—for me, at least.
I’ll get right to it. I recently turned 44. I’m a good-looking black man who—in my eyes, it’s a great thing—fits the stereotype. You know the one I’m talking about. Of course, that’s not all I am, and that’s not what any man should be boiled down to. We—all men—are more than just walking penises and testicles, even though we tend to think with them. Ladies, don’t laugh and act like you can think clearly during those moments when you can replenish a bathtub with your moisture. Yeah, I got some weight on me, but that’s being attacked in the kitchen and gym. I’m a writer, and, atop that, I’m a minister. We all are in some way, right? In addition, I’m single. And, food for thought, I wrote that last sentence and it never occurred to me to say, “I’m still single.” That’s weird because, usually, that’s how I hear that sentence internally. Hmmm…I need to think and take note of that.
I wanted to speak to my fellow singles because if I’m here, I know you’re here. You’re reading these beautiful stories about marital sex, marital masturbation, single masturbation, and such…all of it within the spacious confines of holiness and righteousness. Yet, there’s a hole in your heart—something you can’t get others to understand, especially married people who seem to come across as flippant and callous while unknowingly downplaying the pain, anxiety, and confusion you feel when you consider the fact that GOD called you to marriage though you see no prospects or evidence of your spouse anywhere near you.
Dating apps? Speed dating? Blind dates? Your friends knowing someone “who is PERFECT for you”? Bars? Singles ministries? Office relationships? Complete avoidance of dating? Not dating but simply being promiscuous? All those questions are places in your life or things you’ve found yourself doing in the hopes of stumbling across “the one” or filling this massive chasm in your soul. All of this, of course, while hearing those sermons from married people about waiting on GOD to show you your spouse and not being so shallow that you look only at their beauty or physique when you’re not that kind of person anyway, though you, like anyone, want to wake up and look at your spouse and see they’re a ten even though they’ve not yet brushed their teeth or combed their hair. Those same people say, “Your relationship with GOD is the most important relationship you’ll ever have!” And you’re like, “I know that Pastor So-and-So! Who do you think is giving me the power to sit still and not walk out of this worship experience or prayer meeting without throwing a Bible at you?”
You think that married people don’t know what it’s like to be you or be in your position. As they talk, you internally scream, “If one more married person tells me to put myself out there, I’m going to rip them in half! What the hell do you think I’m doing?”
As you think the previous statement, you openly declare something akin to the following:
“The world is different now! It’s harder to be single!”
“The dating pool isn’t tainted—it’s ******* POLLUTED!
As a single man, I think you’re right. But I want you to start cutting married people and even the world some slack because of the GOD you serve. He is sovereign, guiding you with full knowledge of your path. The world and people can do whatever they want, but GOD is not haphazard and taken aback by the things that surprise you. Just like He guides you in other things, He guides you along the path towards marriage.
But, back to my point. No, this discourse isn’t about married couples. It’s about you, me, and this blessed “burden” of singlehood. I know I used an oxymoron, but that’s only because I want you to understand that I feel you. I really do. One moment, you see the hell various marriages suffer and think, “Oh, hell naw!” The next moment, you see your friends and their spouses living what seems to be the most rapturous love story ever concocted, and you wonder with tears in your heart, “What’s wrong with me?” That’s why my statement was oxymoronic. You see two different realities through the lens of your singular—ONE—understanding. You’re leaning to your own understanding because that’s the only perspective YOU have. Notice I didn’t say it’s the only perspective you can access.
I want to affirm and remind you that GOD does NOT play dice. Thus far, He died on a Cross for you. He has supplied you daily with everything you need—not everything you want, but everything you need. He has blessed you in ways you’ve never imagined. He has healed you, or He’s currently healing you. He saved you from you. He saved you from hell. He put that addiction to death. He brought you back from that prognosis and shocked the doctors as He did it. He gave you that job others said you’re not qualified for. He opened that business for you. He gave you your next breath. He snatched you out of the enemy’s hands. And, amid all that, He’s placed in you an unanswered desire to be a husband and father or a wife and mother. Some of you don’t want children. You simply want to be married and glorify GOD with your person.
So, I want to ask you a question.
If GOD did all that for you while giving you an unmet desire to intensely and intentionally love someone and be devoted to them—having given you the best of Himself through Christ—as Paul said, “What else would He withhold from us?” If He gave us the very best of Himself, do you honestly believe that He won’t give you the answer to the desire He—Himself—placed in your heart? He, quite literally, places in us the desire of our hearts because those desires push us to seek Him for the answer that lines up with His will for our life!
Now, let’s click that drop-down menu and ensure that it’s Him that gave you that desire and not you having the desire and wanting GOD to co-sign on something He never intended, because many of us are looking for other humans to be answers to a problem outside of their paygrade. But if you’re on this site and reading this post, you’re not one of those people. You’ve been called to the ministry of marriage. You decided to answer. You, like Isaiah, said, “Here I am. Send me!” You know you’re called to marriage because, despite seeing all the crap in failing marriages, the divorce rates in the world and the church, and how there seems to be one leader after the next being exposed for various sins that affect or end their marriages, you’re still asking GOD for your spouse! Doing so means you’re either insane, stupid, or—get this—being prepared for or called to this thing you can’t seem to shake, though you’ve done everything imaginable to be rid of it. Like a small pebble in your shoe, your desire for marriage JUST. WON’T. GO. AWAY.
GOD is aware of your heart, my brother. Sister, He knows your heart better than you do. My dude, He gave you that cock and that size knowing, no matter what you have, you’re ready to put a hole in a wall with that thing. Sis, He knows you want to “saturate” your husband with your love. And that’s just in the bedroom. He knows you have more to give than that because He created and WIRED you with those desires. Be mindful: GOD DOES NOT PREPARE YOU FOR SOMETHING HE’S NOT GOING TO DO!
Judge Him faithful. Like Sarah, who received divine strength just to conceive Isaac, remember our Lord keeps His word. Maybe you’ve not received a verbal prophetic word about your marriage, but you’ve received the promise of it because He placed in you the desire for it. It might not happen when you’re young and spry, but GOD knows how to redeem the time you think you’ve lost. GOD can and does and has infused His children with divine strength to carry the fruition of His promise. Just ask Sarah who laughed at Jesus to His face—go back and count the men that visited Abraham and Sarah, and realize that the Person that remained was speaking: the “voice” or “word” of GOD is Jesus. And Sarah thought He couldn’t hear her laugh when she chuckled to herself. Shock of shocks and gasps of gasps, He questioned her from outside the tent, “Did I hear Sarah laugh?” I’m laughing right now because she lied and said, “No!” Girl, stop the cap! LOL!!!
It’s funny, but do you realize that “Isaac” means laughter? She laughed at GOD, and GOD turned around and gave her something to laugh about. Can I get a witness here and help you understand that GOD gets the last laugh and has the audacity to share it with you? I mean, talk about a sense of humor!
When you’re pissed, you scoffingly laugh at GOD, thinking and saying to yourself that you’ll never get married. And the only reason you’re telling yourself that is because, honestly, you’re trying to kill your desire for marriage so you can spare yourself the torture and heartsickness of having your hope deferred to later. But read the final clause of that verse, Proverbs 13:12: “But a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” You can’t hide your heart from Him, so don’t try.
His timing is perfect.
Sit still, baby. He’s coming. Rest in Him, soldier. She’s on the way. In the meantime, no matter your age, lock in with GOD. Let Him heal you. Avoid porn like the Plague. Get in the gym and stay there. Eat right. There are people in their 70s looking and moving and acting like they’re in their 40s, having the best marital sex you can ever imagine. Get your credit right. Get your student loans forgiven if you can. And, trust me, you can. Pursue your Godly purpose as if your life depended on it because it does. Ask GOD to begin revealing to you the purpose of your marriage because “falling in love” and “being in love” aren’t strong enough to sustain the oaths you take to love that person in sickness and health, for better or worse.
Do your cock exercises, brother. Trust me. They work. And don’t give anyone access to your “tree of life” without first having cut the covenant with them before GOD. Ma’am, have more to offer than just your garden. Beautify your mind and spirit with holy experiences, wisdom, and knowledge. You have exercises you can do, too. Yes, they work. And don’t let anyone in your secret place without first having cut the covenant with them before GOD.
Though I don’t know why He prompted me to post this, I can tell you that I needed this. I needed to write this, and not because I’m feeling that hole in my heart today, because I’m not. He’s healing that, thankfully. Yet, I know I’ll need it again, in a different way, on a day when I doubt Him and His promise—just like married people going through tough times with their spouse and needing a reminder that GOD has a promise for them just like He has one for singles. So, the only reason I have to upload this is because of His directive. Ministering to you is the main reason, but He could’ve chosen anyone to write this.
I am still trying to figure out why He chose me to do it.
Is there someone for everyone? No. But, again, if you’re here and reading this, I don’t see our GOD as being so cruel to place a desire in you He has no intention of fulfilling. That is NOT His character. There’s a desire for GOD, and there’s a desire for a mate. And despite the fodder you’ve been fed, GOD’s permanent answer to the desire [He gave you] for a mate is NOT giving you more of Himself. That’s only further leading you with a carrot you’ll never catch. He grounds you in your relationship with Him to prepare you for the whirlwind of being with a human. And, if you’re called to singlehood (ask GOD; He’ll tell you whether you are), STILL get in the gym and do all the stuff listed earlier. Why? Because, while living the life GOD called you to, you can be the best-looking and best-resourced single man or woman of GOD the world has ever seen.
So, be encouraged, brothers and sisters. We’re going to be just fine. He sees us…and they are coming.
I need to pray. I sense an uncanny freedom I’ve never felt before.
I love you guys. I’ll see you again soon with another story.
HIT
Dear brother, where to begin?
First of all, I feel you. I was a single virgin until the age of 33 when I finally got married. Believe me, my sexual frustration was off the chain. Sadly, even though I became a Christian at age 29, I still struggled with my addiction to pornography. Satan is clever. I was introduced to porn at a VERY young age, even before I discovered masturbation. I was too young to understand the effects of it, and of course had no self control at that very young age.
Fast forward to the present day. I've now been married for 20 years and struggled on and off during that time with porn. Unfortunately, I married a very strong-willed and contentious woman. I still love her, but when we would have our disagreements, I would turn to porn to hide the pain. About 8 years ago, we finally had a spat that was never resolved, much to my shame. It was easier to masturbate to porn than resolve it. I am not a confrontational person. I hate it.
This spring, I finally had a real come-to-Jesus moment where I decided that for the sake of my salvation, I simply MUST give up the pornography. I can't explain all the external events that helped lead me to this decision for the sake of time, and I can't even explain that once I fully gave my sin to Jesus, He helped me overcome it. I've been free since Memorial Day. Do I have temptations? Yes, but not nearly as strong, and by the grace of God, they are only fleeting.
Now, for the real painful part. Gradually, during this past 8 years, my wife has drifted further and further away, even though I have done everything in my power to love her and do her good. I confronted her with my freedom from the porn (she knew about it) and pleaded for her forgiveness. She coldly left me know that she has forgiven me, but can never trust me again. Since that moment, she has now cut me off completely. We live in the same house, but in different houses, if that makes sense. (Mother-in-law suite).
Believe me when I tell you that living celibate after experiencing the pleasure of sexual intercourse is FAR more difficult than being a single male virgin. I promise you that. Nothing can compare to the emotional release of ejaculating inside the vagina of the one whom you love. Nothing. My only outlet is masturbation. Do I feel guilty? No. But I DO feel angry. Cheated. I know what I am missing and desperately desire it again. I do not believe in divorce, so I feel trapped.
I appreciate your thoughts about God's timing, but I struggle to hold onto the faith that He WILL restore my marriage. I simply can't bear the thought of living the rest of my live with loneliness, celibacy, and singleness.
I apologize for the rant. But, I want you to know that I've seen both sides of your post. I would NEVER lecture you or criticize you for your sexual frustration as a single male, and respond with a flippant answer. No, I very much feel you. More than you can imagine. I'll pray for you.
I will pray for you and pray for your wife to open her heart up again. I wonder what else is holding her back, surely as a woman she would desire it too no? I pray that Holy Spirit speaks to you both individually with the wisdom to ignite a passionate loving marriage again!! When there is a will there is ALWAYS a way! I hope she also has the will for a loving marriage! I hope if there is something, God will help you see it, know it, and be able to act on it. If the man is the head of the family as God is of the church, please do continue loving her with understanding but also knowing we’re fundamentally human and children of God who yearn to be loved. I’m sure she wouldn’t want to be alone too right? Whatever blockage is there I hope it dissolves. God bless.
Thanks for this. I think that I get caught up in focusing on the destination and "arriving," when it should be about the journey, and that is the walk with God. One of the things I've really been battling in the last few years is just the idea that "My life would be perfect if just (THIS) would happen…" and I've really been trying to find happiness with God alone first and foremost. Hard sometimes; Psalm 37:4 gives me a lot of comfort and I'm still trying to do it without ulterior motives, but relationship with Jesus is its own reward. And one of the songs that has continuously gone through my head over the last year and more is Veruca Salt singing "I Want It Now" in Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.
But in reading through the Torah recently and continuing on to Joshua and Judges it strikes me that even with the promises of God of the Promised Land it wasn't something that was just a destination. Once the Israelites got there it did need to be conquered, swept clean of all evil, put in order, and it wasn't done in just a few years. Even Manna in the wilderness wasn't actually bread: it was grain on the stalk that still had to be prepared INTO bread to be eaten. For years I thought I couldn't see God's hand at work in my own life but actually it's because He hasn't moved at the speed I'd like Him to. Hopefully I'm working closer in partnership with God these days, and I think that the trajectory I'm on is encouraging. I am honestly striving to be the best version of myself.
I've certainly had plenty of bad advice given to me over the years, and received lots of platitudes from married couples both in and out of church, so everything you've said hits pretty close to home. In recent months I tried out a new church that was doing a series on sex based on 1 Corinthians and it was honestly the most discouraging series of sermons I'd heard on the subject because it gave me almost nothing, certainly didn't fill me with hope. It's a pretty harsh reminder just how out of touch other generations are with the reality of today's culture. But I'm not a fan of today's culture, I think it has serious problems.
There's a youtube video from DiscipleDojo called "Biblical Lament and Single Christians" which is the closest and most understanding approach toward singlehood that I've encountered recently and it's no wonder, because like you he is a pastor in his mid-40s, living the unwanted single celibate life. I think churches could do better toward single members. It also reminds me that I have a book to read called SOLO PLANET by Anna Broadway which seems to be pretty closely related to this topic.
HIT, thank you for this pep talk because I needed it, please keep encouraging us!
Thank you HIT! As a father of grown children I really appreciate your post. I have a daughter (#3 of 4 children) who is single. Sometimes I just don’t know how best to encourage her. I think I will share this post with her, and see what discussion it will open up. She’s a great person and rocks life! She loves God with all her heart! She is smart. She just finished a criminal justice degree, she teaches combat arms in the Alaska Air Guard, she is an Alaska State Trooper, she Scuba dives, rock climbs, rides motorcycles, and so much more. And she really would like a Man! A companion. A lover! She holds things close to the vest, and has never dated or had a boyfriend. What she has told me, “I don’t want to waste time on a guy that I would never marry “
Your words encourage Me! This gives me encouragement to share with her!
Thank you HIT!!!
LL, my approach is actually the same as your daughter’s. There’s no reason to date if you don’t see it leading somewhere with that person. Definitely know how that feels to have the opportunity to date, but decide not to pursue cause you know ultimately it wouldn’t last. She sounds like a fine young lady who knows what she’s looking for. Does she have an account on MH?
Sounds to me like there's probably very few men she would marry. That's her call, not the fault of the men.
Well said man! Appreciate the post!
This is a very good post HiT, and I thank you for it.
This was such a blessing. Thank you! Hearing all the wisdom from other singles uplifts and teaches me things. Sometimes I feel that I'm in a somewhat rare category, because most of the time I am quite content in singleness. I think the thing that stands as the biggest obstacle to marriage for me is my health problems. This past month has been difficult. Depression changes everything and makes even routine and everyday relationships very hard. I don't want to be bound to that, and I know by God's grace that these feelings don't last. I've had a number of good years up to now with my mental health. But it remains a fact that there are seasons where I am weak, moody, tired, and very low. It's a mental and spiritual battle of taking every thought captive, and it's a daily physical battle to live healthily, seek answers, find a doctor who can help, get blood work done, and fight the urge to quit. The idea of saddling a man with all that makes me sad. I want to bless him, not burden him. Then again, the right man may be what I need to help care for me and walk with me on this journey to better health. That is my prayer. I have placed it in the Lord's hands. And definitely over the last few weeks I have gotten closer to Jesus as He uses the dark times to show me His light and constancy. That's what I need first and foremost: Him.
Know that I pray for everyone here on MH, the singles, the couples in good marriages and bad, the divorced, the widowed. You all have blest me so much.
I was madly in love with someone with Lupus. I had all the patience in the world for her but her pain and confusion drove her away from me, feeling she had nothing to give me, and everything in life became just a stress for her. It's not that some men can't handle it. It's that some women won't accept love when it's handed to them on a silver platter and wrapped up with a bow.
Ifeelmyself101, that is so sweet! I will keep that in mind. I know men have that great capacity to sacrificially love and protect and guard a woman, and it's so beautiful. I just don't want to take advantage of that. I pray that the Lord will work mightily through my health problems. I'm so sorry that things went the way they did in your case.
My first thought after reading this was “Was that me?” I don’t know why a few days ago I said to God “Isn’t there single men also reading this page? Where are they? What are they thinking?” I was almost prompted to share a snippet from my journal. Thank you for following whatever prompted you to write.
Just wondering if anyone knows if there a community, forum, chat group, discord etc for Christian singles & couples to continue chatting? The one I know of is mostly people in their 20s.
(edited and reposted due to site censorship)
This post seems to me to contain a lot of what is called "toxic positivity."
I won't attempt to respond to every part of this except to say that I believe there is nothing to suggest God would intervene to give anyone a partner.
Here's why. Free will. People have choices. I can point to any number of decent men who are overlooked by professing evangelical women, because their standards aren't even simple, Biblical standards. They're standards about money, power, status, judgements about hobbies, or simply "waiting on God to REVEAL to them."
Well guess what? We have choices. God is glorified when we choose wisely. And in the era of feminism, greed, and ego, it's harder for simple, normal men and women to find partners. God isn't fixing that, because it's caused by the rebellion and shallowness of human beings who claim to believe in Him, but think they're entitled to the next best thing to Jesus in a mate.
And many men are equally bad, with unrealistic standards about body and appearance. But the women are the ones that consider to have Biblical justification because of course, as "daughters of the King" they have a princess complex.
Not like the days of my mom and dad, when you found a decent person, who you found reasonably attractive, and made it work. So now you get radical feminists and incels battling it out on the internet, and we all think we have God on our side.
Sad state of affairs.
I think you've brought up salient points and agree with most of what you've said. The more reaction videos I see on youtube or read comments on facebook dating groups, it makes me wonder if the West isn't going toward a male/female apartheid, not unlike David Brin's GLORY SEASON. If things are to go back in a good direction it's probably important to not agree too readily with the majority opinions of the world around us.
Part of the problem is just the dating culture especially since the sexual revolution (I think Louise Perry would have a lot to say about that). Up until COVID singles were expected to meet as complete strangers at places like bars & nightclubs, but we're all so scared of each other now, we're seeing the limitations and breakdown of that system. Even just 50 years ago it was much more common for singles to meet at school, community gatherings, and churches. And there was probably a lot more vetting going on that way because you would know someone for probably years, and your families would know each other too, or not be too many connections removed.
It makes me think that arranged marriages probably aren't such a terrible idea, it's working better in other cultures. As far as that goes, what I've been earnestly praying is that my heavenly Father will arrange MY marriage. But also, it's incredibly hard (if not impossible) to steer a parked car, so I'm willing to learn how to do my part.
So as far as "…it's harder for simple, normal men and women to find partners. God isn't fixing that," I think we can pray for it. Nor do I think it's as simple as blaming it entirely on one side and expecting the other to fix it before they do their part. What I really pray for men & women is greater understanding & reconciliation between the two sexes, and that both are willing to work together instead of against each other. When I marry I want my wife & me to see each other as allies not adversaries, and in the areas where we want to improve, that we can lovingly encourage & lift each other up. And leave the work to God.