D/s and Normal Life
My wife and I recently had our second child. Through the past year, we started developing our D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship. Now being a four-person household, things have become much more busy. I don’t mean to come off as complaining, I do understand this is just a learning curve, but I was hoping some of you may have some advice for us, especially those who also have this dynamic within your marriage.
Note from MH: Since the author didn’t give many details, here are some additional questions to jump-start the discussion:
- How can a busy couple find time for Dominant/submissive play?
- How would you advise a couple to handle boundaries between D/s play and real life, especially with young children around?
- What are some ways can a couple playfully remind each other of the D/s dynamic they sometimes share, even when life and children temporarily prevent overtly sexual contact?
We don’t do D/s but we did do life including raising children together while maintaining an active sexual relationship.
I think what might help you is to have private time at least once a month where the kids are with grandparents or your sibling etc. Also a good lock on the bedroom door is important when the kids are home. You might consider soundproofing your bedroom.
Hotel sex or camping sex etc. on a weekend getaway with just you n your wife is very very important. Of course just getting a trusted someone to take care of your kids for the day/night and staying at home for a passionate time also works.
Even now, with us living with our daughter n her family – when they all go somewhere & we have the entire house to ourselves- we have a great sexy romp! We also find that hotel sex / vacation sex / role play sex / car sex… etc. are all awesome!
When the kids have gone to sleep go into your bedroom and have fun! Just try to tone down the noise. Our grandkids all have a white noise fan in their bedrooms that help them not hear their parent’s sexy fun in the parent bedroom/ master bathroom.
Our daughter that we live with (in our own basement apartment) told us, after she married, that as a kid n teen she used to wrap a pillow around her head and play music on her cd player or radio when she heard my Melody n I having sex. Our daughter’s bedroom wall adjoined our bedroom.
Couple in our late 60s who have had three children.
As far as your sex life and your children. As a parent it's usually children who interrupt the sex. And the fact is children always come first. It's just the way it is. But. That does not mean neglect sex.
You will find that as your children grow they also become more aware particularly in their teen years. And if you have certain sexual paraphernalia laying around, THEY WILL FIND IT.
As parents and particularly as parents who are trying to instill faith we need to recognize our role in our children's lives. In other words protect them from what they shouldn't see or know at young impressionable ages.
Your faith the always comes first. Family next.
But neither Faith nor family means that you have to neglect relationship with your spouse. Just keep your priorities and work with it.
Now as far as the Dom / sub relationship. First question
Is this something that you both are? Or is it something you're playing with? With the coming out of different sexualities. One that came out with the movie fifty shades of Gray was the dom/sub relationship. It captivated a lot of womens imaginations mostly because he was rich and vulnerable. And there was a love story involved.
Early in my career I met a client. I won't go into depth about that here, but she and her husband were in the lifestyle. She was also bisexual. They were well to do and very gracious people that you would never expect this of. But after working with her for a while. Although they wouldn't be what I would call people who are Christians. I can say they are very loving and giving people, and as I am sure all of us can say. We have friends who are not in the church but who we can call friends.
With her one thing led to another, and let's just say we became very honest with one another, and she would be one of the women that I came very,very close to having a sexual relationship with. We are still friends to this day. She is very well kept and gracious. And when it comes to women I respect her,
And from our conversations I can tell you that she would be considered the consummate Domme. Although with her husband she is not that is not the case.
One of the things she taught me. Is that there are a lot of people who think they are Doms or Dommes in the case of a female being in that role.
But most are just bullies or brutes.
The true D/s relationship is one of need and of provision. Each of the parties having a need for their respective role and in turn providing the other with what it is that they need and it is done so on the basis of trust and love. This is not something that people can just become. This is a part of their makeup, Their personality.
In other words there are people who are and then there are people who play with the idea of it. There's a term now concerning women that they can be a freak in the sheets and a lady in the streets. I'm not sure if there's one for men as well.
But what I'm saying is for the most part there is some propriety concerning our sex life. And this among other sexual practices can be kept compartmentalized that way. At our age I can assure you there will come a point where your children will grow and leave the nest. And you will regain some privacy and the ability to resume your sexual activity as you BOTH wish. But realize that as time passes so do phases in our life as well as our own personal growth and change.
As for my husband M. and I. I can't say that we really fit as the people who actually are Dom/sub, but we love each other. He is strong and has full control of himself. His temper is strength and his masculinity. I find no problem and in fact pleasure in giving him the lead. Our sex life is multifaceted and part of this at points being that at times we have fully embraced that relationship. But it isn't necessarily the whole of what or who we are.
Let love rule your relationship and your lives.
🔥❤️L.&M. ❤️🔥
In the South, it is thought a “True Southern Belle” is a Hostess in the Living Room, a Chef in the Kitchen and a Whore in the bedroom.
Hi Chains,
You didn't mention whether this phase of life is frustrating both of you, or just you.
Power play is only safe because of trust built before and afterwards. Because the combination of sleep deprivation, stress, and other factors like post-partum depression/anxiety can raise the emotional temperature for both of you, I would graciously urge caution. The energy to support you (if she is the domme) or to rest in submission (if you are) has to come from somewhere, and right now there are more calls for that energy than there were before.
The extent your wife will feel safe to continue exploring the D/s space with you will depend on how much she feels cared for & supported!
Communication is going to be key.
I admit I used to think dom/sub was just someone dominating the other one in terms of having kind of rough sex, being roughed up a bit. Vanessa sometimes gets a little wild in bed and scratches up my back or bites me. But I am getting the impression this is an actual “lifestyle” with rules and expectations, so I have nothing really to offer there, unfortunately.
• How can a busy couple find time for Dominant/submissive play?
– I think this is where you have to get creative. A drive, a trip to the grocery store, the mall, or basically any outing could turn into a D/s opportunity. Simple things like disallowing her to wear panties, having her wear an insertable egg, or giving small impromptu commands could elevate these situations into something more.
• How would you advise a couple to handle boundaries between D/s play and real life, especially with young children around?
– Obviously, you don’t want them to know anything, so you could use nap time, feeding time, or playtime for moments where Daddy and mommy play for a bit.
• What are some ways can a couple playfully remind each other of the D/s dynamic they sometimes share, even when life and children temporarily prevent overtly sexual contact?
– Well, I think you have a code word that you slip into the conversation. For instance, her pet name. You say that and she knows to expect something. It will also help her to slip into the mind-space where she switches from wife to sub.
Through it all, it’s important that you retain control, composure, and awareness. She has to trust you in all situations and the more you handle them well, the more she will trust you.
Her submission is a gift, and you must handle it with great care.
It’s also important that you handle all of parts your relationship with that same care. As a Dom, you don’t have the luxury of letting anything slip.
I always thought the same thing Nortern. It's been equated with BDSM.
But as I said in my previous comment. It's more of a inward or built-in need. Well it's fun to roleplay and believe me we do. The fact is if both people in a relationship do not have that respective role in their nature meaning that one feels the need to serve and the other one needs to feel the need to guide. It can be rough going to a relationship. As the woman I talked about earlier in my last comment taught me, and to an extent showed me. There has to be a willingness between the two. It's a matter of respect and love for one another. That she said to me too many men just want to be able to slap a woman around. And too many women just want to be in control and work out their aggressions
There is a psychological love that happens between two people like this because in being what they are within themselves to each other they are providing what that other person needs.
I don't want you to think that I condone any of what I'm about to share. But this is the life that she lived. I'll just call her R.
As I said before, they were a married couple in their 50s
When I met her, I was in my thirties. And for the most part pretty vanilla sexually. And again, I won't go into details. But we did get to know each other very very well.
She and her husband were in the lifestyle. Again I do not condone that. And she herself was bisexual. It was in her nature to be in control. Her nature was exuding that. She wasn't rude, in fact she was very courteous and caring. But she had a way of controlling the situation. And had a way of making a person want her to control it. There was just a feeling of trust that she had about her.
She had shared some stories about some of the women that she's been with and how they felt the need to give themselves and be controlled by her. And in giving to them what they needed it completed them.
And yes, this is sexual.
The thing is there can be some bondage and other personal needs that a person might have as in being told what to do and controlled.
But in a true relationship she taught me the control is given to the person in charge. It's not taken by force.
I need to repeat I had never been sexual with a woman but I have had a number of times where I've had opportunities to be. And she was one of the opportunities.
She had begun a process of seduction with me that I didn't realize on the first time I met her, and by the second time we met she came very close to doing it. I held back, and she didn't press it.
Our business dealings continued and there was always a sexual tension between us but nothing ever happened.
At the time of this going on my husband, M. And I hadn't had our breakthrough where we created an open sexual conversation between us. I never told him about what was going on with her. Although after our breakthrough I did let him know. He had met her a few times. And the thought intrigued him to say the least.
Northern, you certainly aren't alone in your thoughts about women together. It's why, this sort of thing sells online. If you know what I mean.
It's just a matter of being able to be honest with your spouse about all the things that you are thinking and feeling.
It was after our breakthrough that I was able to confess that I had an attraction to other women. I couldn't even confess that to myself. I always suppressed it and felt guilty about it.
As I've said before I don't consider myself a lesbian because I love my husband very much and I'm very much attracted to him and find men attractive. So at the best I guess I would consider myself bisexual although I've never had sex with a woman other than in my mind.
Being able to be open and honest with M
, has enabled us to be able to talk opening with each other about who we find attractive. And it can be an interesting discussion between us.
All right I've gone on another scenic trip of my life. Lol.
I'll stop here.
Lady L.💋
🔥❤️L.& M.❤️🔥
Thanks for your well-written and insightful comment Tutchh, it really was eye opening.
I admit I got really turned on about some of the comments yesterday about my wife, but your input helps me make sense of it better. I’m the sort of guy who would never share Vanessa with another man, but fantasies of her with another woman admittedly turn me on (not that I’d do anything in real life about it). Guess the comments yesterday struck a nerve or something but yeah that is a fantasy of mine, one I sometimes feel quite guilty about. So your comment really helped put me at ease that it isn’t unusual for a husband to occasionally have those thoughts.
I spent a lot of time growing up around an aunt who was older than me but we had a cousin sort of dynamic. She was lesbian and openly an exhibitionist and Vanessa thinks some of my fantasies and thoughts stem from growing up around her.
Anyway thanks again for being the voice of reason / wisdom; God bless you and your husband.
Something I grew up with a lot also was attention from men because they sometimes thought I was gay, I was kind of a pretty boy and my voice, while clearly male, is the higher, tenor sort of type. I never found the idea of being with a man attractive, so I never reciprocated. But I do remember some men who really sort of were good at making me want to be friends with them, and sort of “guiding” me as it were, without being innapropriate or forceful, where it really seemed like it could slowly but surely be heading in a sexual direction and I wasn’t even aware of it at first. I guess it’s sort of an art of seducing someone. But it’s interesting the way you described it and how you said your friend said some people “need” it. Many things in life are in my opinion based around stress relief of some sort or another. Maybe for some, being “led” and even “dominated” in the more technical sense satisfies some deep stressors in the sense of it “completes” them being able to be the passive party but have their sexual needs met. I don’t know and I imagine a lot of it is over my head; my degree is not in Psychology although I am fascinated by how the mind works and have known people who are in that field in a clinical setting. One such individual did a lot of work with veterans and said certain hang ups, behavioral patterns, and real or perceived “needs” often stem from the unique (and often extreme) stresses they are faced with. It would be fascinating to know what sort of a psychological profile, if any, tends to correlate with identifying as a Dom or as a Sub. Just my two cents for what it’s worth…
Lady L, Don't be ashamed of what happened in your past! The past is the past. Though I don't talk about it much I myself am attracted to other women, though I haven't been sexual with any. Though like you I have had my chances. But the act itself is one of my fantasies and will stay that way!
My late husband Ben knew about it and often we shared the fantasy. I'm sure M understands as well. I just wanted to put that out there.
I really enjoy your comments and the stories written by you and your husband. God bless you and stay horny!
GG think we all at one point have thought about another women in that way. Who knows what might happen with the right person in the right situation. Nothing bad about those thoughts.
It completes them is a good way to put it.
She always said that everybody has a reason for why they do the things they do and why they desire the things they desire. Quite often it comes from a disconnect from your own parents.
I was thinking about it after reading what you wrote.
And she actually did use the word as well. How it completes them.
I think these days we use the word grooming when it comes to people trying to ease others into a certain lifestyle.
All too often it's when someone who's underage and really doesn't know any better. And that's just plain wrong.
With R. The women she was with were other women in the lifestyle already who were adults.
I could completely understand being in that setting how easily would be to feel the need to belong to her.
She actually owned two lingerie stores in town that also sold sex toys.
And quite often it was women coming in trying to set the spark in their marriages. She and her staff were experts at guiding women through these areas when they were clueless as to how to go. Giving very personal service.
And I can say this about R. She has repeated to me many times over all these years of friendship that her goal was to make people's relationships strong. It was never to draw them away from their spouses but for them to have a strong love life and relationship..
I just adore you GG.
Yhank you for your kind words.
Believe me I love your comments as well and think of you as a friend. ❤️💋💋💋💋
As a single man, I can't advise from a place of experience, but I'll echo a few things I've learned from the wisdom of more experienced couples. I've also spent a lot of time thinking about this, because I want to have a fun, flirtatious relationship with my future wife, with a little kinky D/s sprinkled in there occasionally!
First, I don't see any reason why finding time for D/s play has to be any different from more vanilla sexual play. Virtually all the same social boundaries apply, whether the sexual activity is vanilla or kinky, so the methods of finding time and privacy are essentially identical. To start with, then, you both have to make it a priority. Budget and plan your time so that you have space for this play. Schedule a specific time if you need to. Scheduling a time can also allow for more anticipation of what's to come!
As for boundaries between D/s play and real life, you'll just need good communication. Perhaps by using safe words or other code words, you need to know for sure whether each spouse is speaking and acting in real-life capacity, or in play, or a mix of both. It can sometimes be ambiguous, like flirting often is, and that can be part of the fun. But if either of you is upset or frustrated with something, frankly if there's ANY negative emotion at all, you both need a way to communicate and understand what's going on—whether there are real issues that need to be addressed, or if it's just part of the play. You'll get better at understanding this intuitively simply by knowing each other better in your real relationship, and as you gain more experience in your D/s dynamic.
As for ways to remember the dynamic when you can't play overtly, I'd say it's very much like flirting when others are around. Normal, "vanilla" flirting might involve touching a little longer or more sensually than usual, without violating social propriety, or sharing a certain look with prolonged eye contact. Maybe you could even use some sneaky code words that sound innocuous to everyone else, but have special meaning to the two of you. The only difference between vanilla and kinky flirting is that it'll take on a slightly different flavor. The looks, touches or code words you use might normally say, "You're sexy and I want you," but with your D/s dynamic, they might communicate something more like "I want to pin you down and tease you until you're begging for release," or "If no one else was around, I'd drop to my knees for you right here. I might even do it right now if you told me to."
A huge part of this will be unspoken, and to communicate and understand that unspoken meaning, you'll need to have a very close and healthy relationship. But prioritize EXPLICIT communication, especially early on, and that will allow you to better learn the fun, flirtatious activity of IMPLICIT communication.
There are other creative ways you can remind yourselves of your dynamic as well! For example, you could use wrist cuffs and/or a collar during D/s play, then touch those areas (wrists and neck) as a reminder of those restraints when it would be socially inappropriate to touch more intimate places. If you use a remote-controlled vibrator during your play, you could occasionally use it with others around, but if you don't want to go that far, you could just pull out the remote occasionally as a visual reminder. There are endless possibilities if you get a little creative! The main idea is to choose a word, phrase, sound, touch, smell, etc., that seems innocuous to everyone else, then attach sexual, D/s meaning to it so that only the two of you understand what you really mean by it.
I can’t believe I missed this discussion. Sorry, I’m late to the party. Thanks for starting this conversation. As a fellow parent navigating a D/s marriage with children in the house, I completely understand the challenges and joy of trying to maintain intimacy, structure, and connection in the midst of daily family life.
Master Joe and I live in Paris; over time, we’ve carved out a little ritual that works for us. We’ve embraced the idea of a weekly du cinq à sept, those precious hours between 5 and 7 in the evening. During that window, I (Lauren) arrange play dates or activities for the kids with friends, and he organises a “play date” for us. Sometimes it’s something erotic, and sometimes it’s as simple as a quiet coffee together where the dynamic is present, even if subtle. That consistency helps us reconnect in an intentional but sustainable way.
Of course, the practicalities can be tricky. We have a large, lockable blanket box in the study, which doubles as our playroom. Inside, we keep our implements, blindfolds, cuffs, ropes, and a few favourite toys, all neatly stored and out of sight. We also have some rather discreet restraint hooks that masquerade as coat hooks. It’s functional for now, though I quietly dread the day our kids ask more questions. That said, we are open in age-appropriate ways about marital intimacy and the importance of couples cherishing each other sexually, always framed within the loving boundaries of our faith and values.
Sometimes, keeping the dynamic alive in everyday life is just a subtle hand gesture, a whispered “good girl” in the kitchen, or a shared look across a room. Technology plays a part as well. Texts, images, and short videos help us stay connected throughout the day. Master Joe gives direction, and I respond, even if it’s just with a glance or a photo. These small moments help maintain the energy and bond without disrupting the flow of family life.
You’re right, it is a learning curve, but one well worth climbing together. I’m rooting for you both as you find your rhythm.
With love
Lauren