New to Sexy Talk
My wife and I have been married for almost seven years, and we haven’t ever been into sexy talk, A.K.A. dirty talk. I recently started using it during foreplay and actual sex. A lot of times I want to use sexy talk, but don’t know much of what to say. I would like advice on the below regarding sexy talk.
1. When you were new to it, did you practice it only with your spouse, sometimes alone, anonymously online, or where?
2. How did you learn more phrases to use in sexy talk?
3. Were you able to encourage your spouse to start using sexy talk? If so, what could be done for me to help my wife to start doing it?
4. Is there anything else that I should know about sexy talk?
1. We started sexual slang talk just about two years ago I think. We had plenty of good sex/lovemaking without it but it has been an enhancement for our sex sessions recently. This is only done with our spouse. We don’t call it “dirty” because marital sex is pure n clean.
Sometimes I’ll ponder over what to say the next time we have sex. This often is right before we make love.
2. I did look up old English sex slang and that is something I use sometimes. It tends to make us both laugh. Phrases like: “cream the kitty” or “make a green gown” (sex on the grass) or “make feet for little stockings” are great! I also looked up some sex slang in the Romance languages… since I speak one of them and can read all of them. “La petite mort” is French sex slang. It means “the little death” & it refers to orgasm.
3. I was able to encourage my wife to start using sexy talk. This worked best if she was already really aroused. I say things during foreplay like, “Do ya want me to fuck your pussy?” During sexual intercourse I might say, “I love fucking your caressing cunt & your pulsating pussy!” She’ll say things like, “ I love having Tommy in my pusssy!” & “Fuck me harder!” During afterglow I may say, “You’re the best fucking wife because you are so good at fucking!”
I encourage my Melody by asking her to say things like, “Say you want me to fuck your pussy.” “Pussy” was the first sex slang she started using on her own. Now she often uses sex slang without me asking her to. But sometimes I request it. She almost always does so then. Once in a while if I ask her to use the F-word she’ll say, “I don’t like that word. But other times she uses it freely and is turned on by me using it.
4. Sexual slang terms & phrases we sometimes use in referring to past or present, or upcoming sex. We don’t use sex slang as swear words. We find it annoying and actually disrespectful of sex to use those terms derogatorily. For example, calling someone a “pussy” insults a sexy term that describes a beautiful part of my wife’s or any woman’s body. And the F-word to us describes our enthusiastic lovemaking! So we won’t say to someone, “Fuck you!” But we will say to each other “I wanna fuck you!”
Sometimes Melody just isn’t in the mood for sex slang – at least at first. But once she’s sexually aroused she usually is. But this transformation took time and was gradual for both of us. Of course it was more gradual for her. Don’t push your wife. Sex slang might not ever be acceptable to her. But then maybe it will be. We went through 2 1/2 decades of great sex before Melody ever said “pussy but she does so frequently now & its a big turn on for both of us!
This is where my wife and I are right now. Trying to get used to using different names for body parts or different words in the heat of the moment. We are trying to see what we both like.
I gotta add that I write sexy love poems that include sex slang and the poetry gives my wife & I a laugh and helps turn us both on. I’ve posted some of those poems on MH.
Those love poems are often limericks & almost always include the non-sexual reasons I love her. For example, I just wrote this spicy language love poem:
I love my Melody’s brilliant mind
Plus she’s tenderhearted and kind
I also love her pussy
When it’s wet & all gushy
On her pussy I have freely dined
Of couse I love all of my Melody
Her Nordic eyes are the first thing I see
Then there’s her full tits
Give me erotic fits
I adore her porcelain skin body
We met later in life – that’s a pity
But we love stimming each others titties
She likes my man nips
I love her full tits
And she loves when I’m caressing her clitty
There’s nothing quite like
when we’re fucking
Her titties I’m alternately sucking
It’s like I’m on a hunt
When I’m pounding her cunt
Leading to our orgasmic bucking
“Fuck me harder!” my Melody will say
In the midst of our intercourse play
“I have the greatest luck
That it’s you I get to fuck!
Yes, with you I forever will stay!”
I say, “The same way is how I feel
Loving you is genuine and so real
Fucking you is so great
Because you’re my true mate
And our friendship is what seals the deal!”
My wife has a salty mouth, anyway, whereas I do not. Because of different upbringings. I had no issue using explicit sexual language – "dirty talk" – during sex, because that's an obviously appropriate place for it. Sometimes she wants to "make love", and those times she wants what I guess we could call "gentler" language. But when it's hot and wild, she loves me saying that I'm fucking her. It gets her more wild. She doesn't like the slang terms for vagina, though.
I’ve always been into talking dirty during sex, for me it’s a manifestation of what I want, and my wife has always understood that it’s “heat of the moment” stuff. It took longer for her to talk dirty (she is shy by nature), and she doesn’t talk dirty as much as I do, but now, her language and requests can be pretty filthy. She is also a world-class moaner.
I guess for us, dirty talk evolved. I know there are phrases and words she doesn’t like, so I avoid those. She doesn’t want to be refered to as a slut or whore and she hates the word “cunt.”
Early on, I encouraged her simply by asking. I might say, “I want to hear you say my name, or tell me to fuck you harder.” In the beginning, this helped her overcome what I thought might have been otherwise awkward for her. After a while, she would say those things on her own, and after that, she began to improvise. We’ve been together forty years and these days it’s not uncommon to hear her say things like, “Tongue-fuck my ass baby or fuck that pussy harder.”
Give your spouse some time, like many aspects of married sex, first comes an awareness of what a partner wants and then an evolving exploration—the best results come through example, not by pressure.
Sexy talk (or as some say it, "dirty talk"
Is only effective in the ears of the one hearing it. In other words,( and this is only possible with open, honest conversation about sexual things between lovers.) can we learn about what triggers our partners sexual psyche.
It is not dependent upon how many expletives you put into your intimate talk. It's the words you choose!
There is no one size fits all. As in any relationship it depends on the sensitivities of the person you're involved with. Certain words can trigger negative responses and not be sexual at all to hearer.
If the goal is to heighten the sexual arousal of the person you're with you need to use what it is they want to hear.
There was another conversation here about a "praise kink", and some people, really get off on that. For others they need to hear four letter expletives and at times more demeaning speech. My wife has a group of girlfriends who are very open about everything sexual when they are together. And she's told me about one woman in particular who no one would really have suspected of her, certainly not I, she said she loves to be called a dirty little whore or a slut and hear things like the only thing she's worth is sucking cock.
It turns her on to no end.
In the end know your partner and give them what they want. Don't concentrate on how filthy you can be. Also verbalize what it is you're feeling, like how good he feels inside of you, or if you want it harder or softer or right there don't move. Or tell him what it is you like about what he's doing and how he makes you feel.
I think it's common knowledge that being vocal with moans and groans and sounds of pleasure during sex or reassuring to all of us that we are doing the right thing. It's when there's nothing but silence that you're left wondering.
Along with this comes context. Be sure your words fit the moment. There are romantic , there are passionate and there are raw sex moments.
M. of L&M
Coming from the perspective of a single man preparing for marriage, here's what I've learned from couples with more experience than me.
To answer the last question first: The first thing to address is that your "sexy talk" should be focused on enhancing your shared, mutual pleasure—both yours AND your wife's. That necessarily means tailoring your sexy talk to your wife, and what increases her arousal and pleasure. Figure out what she's comfortable with and what she likes. That may mean asking her what kind of talk turns her on, or if she's not sure, it may simply mean experimenting with a variety of things and observing to see what seems to turn her on the most. Keep asking as you experiment (over time, not just in the middle of a sexual encounter), and she may have new answers for you as you expose her to more new vocabulary.
For question 1: I would NOT recommend "practicing [sexy talk] anonymously online," as that sounds like a very inappropriate kind of interaction with others outside of your marriage. I practice by imagining sexy situations and talking through what I'd say to my future wife. Some of these ideas I also write out, either in story form, or just as a sexy phrase to remember for later use.
For question 2: I've learned most of my sexy talk vocabulary from the stories of other couples here on MH, and in the past, on other erotica sites that I now generally avoid because of their non-marriage-focused content.
I don't have any personal experience to inform question 3, since again, I'm not yet married. But I've learned enough about relationships to know that, in order to help your wife start participating in sexy talk, you first need to realize that you cannot, and SHOULD not, force her into it. Be gentle and encouraging, and don't force the issue if she's resistant. Put love and grace first in everything. Generally, people have to feel safe and unpressured in their relationships in order to be vulnerable and open up, and this applies to trying new sexual things too.
I hope that's helpful, and I pray that God would bless your marriage bed with beauty, pleasure and intimacy.
Excellent synopsis and advice, PatientPassion. You are definitely going to be a good husband someday to your wife. When you first get married, I highly recommend taking the His Needs Her Needs course that may be offered at a local congregation. My wife and I did that when we were married about a year or two (now going on 32 years).
Thank you very much! I only hope and pray I can take my own advice when the time comes, haha!
I'll keep that course in mind! In my waiting years, I've developed a library of books and other resources that I plan to go through with my future wife. I plan to review some of them together long before we get married in order to determine the compatibility of our beliefs, values and attitudes (including ones about sex), and also after we're married to continue out mutual growth. So that course you suggested sounds like another good one to add to the list! Thanks!
The sexy talk was never something we practiced, or planned, other than phone sex when we were apart, it always starts with some improv comment. One good sexy comment deserves another of course, and that often gets us into a banter back & forth, or in a naked pile!
Anything can start it, like a Almond Joy/Mounds commercial on TV, or the cat falling into the bird bath!
Or…….maybe one of us is just horny!
1. When you were new to it, did you practice it only with your spouse, sometimes alone, anonymously online, or where?
I certainly thought about it alone. Practice is good if you know the response is credible. From someone that actually has sex.
2. How did you learn more phrases to use in sexy talk?
Mostly suggestions from my partner but also reading here and other sex story sites
3. Were you able to encourage your spouse to start using sexy talk? If so, what could be done for me to help my wife to start doing it?
He mainly encouraged me. Maybe my positive reactions encouraged him.
4. Is there anything else that I should know about sexy talk?
Only take advice from someone that has sex, not a priest, etc. Anything goes, the more open and tolerant of subject and language you accept the hotter you both will respond.
1. When you were new to it, did you practice it only with your spouse, sometimes alone, anonymously online, or where? // We are not that great at it. But, when it is successful it is very organic. Natural to the way we talk in other ways, at other times, & in other settings. I just use our context, words, & accepted vocab to get us going in the act. It's much like just having an everyday conversation, during sex.
Sexting helps. How she & I talk in texts are used. It is easily a way to know what she is ok with.
2. How did you learn more phrases to use in sexy talk? // porn, MH, erotica, my imagination, & most important my wife. Over the years we have had sex discussions, not many but yes we have. I took mental notes. Did she cuss, what slang did she use. Her reaction. Was she comfortable with this, or that? Etc.
3. Were you able to encourage your spouse to start using sexy talk? If so, what could be done for me to help my wife to start doing it? // No. One time, I told my wife she needed to tell me to fuck her, sometimes. She can't/won't do it. She has in a text used the fbomb as an answer she gave to a multi option question I asked, but that is it. My wife is touchy about planning things out, so I avoid most direct conversations. I tend to be less direct, but can be if I have to. If I have a context of when she was younger, or a tv/movie/book/media brings something up. I wait patiently to have a conversation when it makes sense. That way she has lees thought I am just coming at her for another difficult discussion about sex.
4. Is there anything else that I should know about sexy talk? // Learn to be a student of your spouse. Fake dirty talk doesn't work & it will be cause for pause. The less distraction during sex, the better. One successful time, I remember, was just asking if she was going to cum for me. I waited til I saw the first signs of her orgasm being on its way. As we were hoppin & boppin I asked. And she said a very sexy, yes, as she was caught up in the moment. Then, as she started to orgasm I said, oh yeah. cum for me, that's my girl. And we both had a great time.
If she is not big with it, keep it to small expressions, at first. You, just being the natural you she is used to. Maybe, just moan louder, or you say oh yeah, as you come. Get her used to it. Maybe, after she cums, say, I think someone enjoyed herself, & praise her at how awesome she was. Tell her she was hot. That moan you let out with was hot. But, don't expect anything back for your words. Just let it lay. Just plant seed. Give it passive time to grow on her own. Then, as you both get used to it, ask questions, or comment during. Then, as things go, you maybe able to start telling each other what to do. Like keep that up, fuck me hard, etc.
Just don't let frustration take you out of it. Enjoy what you get. Don't get mad at little or no progress. She will turn off if you do. Have fun with your own progress, even if she is not progressing.
Exciting to hear you and your wife are exploring dirty talking! We enjoy sexting and talking in person about our last time, actually a lot! We talk about what parts/moments I’m still thinking about, how the orgasms felt, what felt good, what turned me on, etc…the list is long. We often have super early morning sex during the week and we often text during the day about it.
And that’s very much what our dirty talking is during sex too: encouraging each other if something is working / turning me on / looks hot / tastes good / I want him to do something to me. And as simple as it is, I love to hear Hubby moan and groan, without him even saying much. That kind of feedback is such a turn on for me when I’m giving him head.
That being said, we don’t necessarily use certain lines / phrases that one can learn from somewhere but more expressing what we are feeling in the moment.
As spicy as I have gotten in my writing, I find I am still very shy about actually voicing a lot of sexual slang. So I'm sure I'll need time if I get married to get comfortable and uninhibited. Sometimes I do whisper very spicy dialogue to myself as I masturbate. I've found that I love hot, passionate language, but nothing degrading or foul. I'll delightedly be a slut for my husband, but I would not want to be called a whore. To me, sexy talk is about lifting one's spouse and oneself to higher passion and intimacy. Some words do that for me, like a man saying this wife, "I want to fuck your sweet cunt until you cream all over me" or her saying, "I love feeling your cock deep inside of me"; others don't, like, "You're just a filthy whore". Spicy language will be customized for each couple, I believe.