Senior Question – Should We Get Married?
This is about marriage in a roundabout way, as it is a question about not getting married.
We are two Christian people, male and female, 80-year-olds. We were both looking for a companion that we were comfortable with, to do things with—go to dinner, a concert, and other date things. Each of us especially wanted a travel companion. When we met through a local dating service, we bonded and soon came to love each other.
We both had said marriage was out of the question (for various reasons—financial, family, insurance, etc.). But soon, we had an active sex life. We explored many different aspects of our sensuality and found much enjoyment in this. (And yes, we still can do it at 80!)
Our question to the MH family is this: Do you think that in this situation it is a sin to have this kind of relationship outside of marriage?
We are in a committed relationship, which includes total faithfulness to each other. We do love each other, and it’s not just an affair-type relationship. We both had spouses who are now deceased, and we are not hurting others. Family members and friends are glad to see us happy. However, as Christians, we do question the religious aspect and are interested in opinions on this subject.
I think God is most honored when we reserve sexual relations for marriage. Hebrews 13:4: "Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled…”
While a committed relationship is certainly better than a one night stand etc. I think the scriptures are clear that you should be married to share sexual intimacies. This creates a more permanent commitment. In a sense marriage is a contract with both your spouse n God.
The premise of my response is: Two people (man and woman) living together (having sex) need to be married. You say you’re not married. What if it’s incorrect to make that claim?
Church denominations debate about what is allowed or not allowed in worship. It’s referred to regulatory vs normative principle. All agree there is to be worship and agree upon the object of worship. They don’t agree on how worship is done.
Can we agree that a couple needs to be married, but not agree as to how that state comes to be?
Is a church ceremony required? Some say yes. In some countries, a church ceremony does not constitute a wedding; it’s the civil ceremony that counts. Some couples may have a civil ceremony and not get to the church ceremony for days or weeks. They remain celibate in the mean time. I’m grateful I didn’t have to deal with that issue.
Regardless of the type of ceremony, there needs to be state recognition of it, if there’s the issues of children, parental responsibility, inheritance and tax benefits (among other things) attached. In this case, those issues seem not relevant. Can this couple simply invite their friends to a restaurant and inform their friends that they intend to live together in an exclusive relationship? It’s tantamount to publicly (and before God) exchanging vows. There’s no government document recognizing the event. Having their pastor or an elder present to MC the event would be icing on the cake. (I can dream, can’t I?)
One consideration is how does your living arrangement help or hinder one’s testimony in the church (the case of the weaker brother)?
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
For this couple, in what way is marriage not being held in honor? They are not married in the legal or civil sense, but does that mean they are not married in their hearts? Does that force the conclusion that they despise marriage? That they are fornicating? If a third person isn’t in the bed, is the bed defiled? Third, technically this is not an instance of adultery; neither party is married to someone else. Finally, how is their action sexually immoral?
“This kind of relationship outside of marriage.” What makes it outside of a marriage? Except for an exchange of vows in a public ceremony (church or civil wedding), their relationship could be closer to the ideal of a marriage than the couple who lives under one roof “for the sake of the children.”
It's funny, we just had this argument: https://marriageheat.com/2026/01/25/advice-for-dating-intimacy/#comments
I don't think it's necessarily sin what you're doing, but I would encourage you to get married. Still, if you're committed to each other and can remain exclusive, the ceremony seems to me to be far less necessary. People can have lasting marriages without all that.
Do you call yourselves married? That's the important part. That and not commiting fraud where the financial stuff comes into play
What example are you setting your 18 year old great granddaughter?
The children and grandchildren in between?
I could quote what the bible says on fornication – there are many.
I would guess it is also highly likely that most of your children and grandchildren also fornicated.
That does not make it right, but your sin would be condoning theirs. That is not good for your and their salvation.
You are the elders of your respective families, you are teachers and examples of your families. It is great that you both desire sex so much, fabulous to have such horny 80 year olds in our MH family, I pray your libidos go up rather than down. but you need to act righteously with your sexuality,…
– 1 Cor 6:20, glorify God in your body
– Romans 12:1, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God
… be people of masturbation, that is what you should be doing as Christians, encourage each other in masturbating yourselves (yourselves, not of each other). That is the example and teaching you should be giving your families.
Then sort out the barriers to you getting married.
Do discuss it with your friends and families. I would send them the link from here – especially as they should all already be reading and enjoying MH.
God bless
Sarah K
Hot GG & G you raise an interesting question. And for me it raises an underlying question, "At what point is a couple married in God's eyes?" Carmelsk, thanks for already surveying some of the range of options to consider in that regard. To the best of my knowledge, the Bible doesn't give a clear answer to that question. So to summarize and add to Carmelsk's thoughts, let's consider a few possibilities:
1. We know "God looks at the heart" so is a couple married in God's eyes when they first make a true commitment to each other in their hearts? In my case, I tend to think that is when God viewed my wife and I as married, although we dutifully restricted ourselves from intercourse until after our wedding ceremony, which happened much later than our heart commitment to each other.
2. Is it when a man and woman start living together and present themselves as a couple? Most state laws recognize a "common law marriage" based on the couple living as though they are married. If they are married in the eyes of the law, then are they married in God's eyes?
3. Is it when they have a culturally typical wedding ceremony? Carmelsk already pondered some of the variety that can exist in those ceremonies. Does God really care about us having an elaborate and often expensive wedding ceremony?
4. Is it when they make wedding vows to each other "in the presence of God"? Many couples may not have had that kind of spiritual tone to their wedding ceremony.
4. Is it when they sign the license and are legally married? In some cases that happens at a different time than when the wedding ceremony is done. And in Colorado, for instance, a couple can get the license, sign it there in the county clerk's office, hand it back, and they are legally married. To attain that legal status doesn't require any vows to each other or to God.
5. Is it when they first have intercourse? There is at least some basis in scripture for this view. In 1 Cor. 6:16 Paul says, "Do you now know that her who unites with [i.e., has sex with] a prostitute is one with her in body? [Then he adds the classic wedding/marriage verse] For it is said, 'The two will become one flesh.'"
The image that we as Christians (at least corporately as the church) are "married" to Christ is a strong theme in the Bible. But to me the Bible leaves it pretty ambiguous about exactly when a human couple is married in God's eyes.
Though I really respect you for bringing this up, I’m afraid that I view this in a very biblical sense. And that is that you shouldn’t have any form of physical sexual relations without being married.
I get how difficult this is, but the scripture and commandments are not something that can be cherry picked. Oh this okay because it’s not penetrating sex, or this is okay because it’s unclear in the scriptures. The facts are, as I see it, that the scriptures are clear that no sexual activity is approved by God outside of wed lock.
I’m 68, and my wife died 13+ years ago, so I try to understand your dilemma. . .
Hot GG & G,
To answer your question, let us first leave our understanding of sin aside, as the modern Christian understanding of sin is not what Jesus taught to us.
Your question is better phrased as: is it a mistake to have such a relationship outside of marriage? And answer to this, it depends. Marriage is not about sex and sex is not about marriage. Marriage is smallest building block of society as it is the smallest unit capable of starting family and multiple families build society. For this reason, I think Christians ought to marry.
But for reasons you mentioned, I do not necessarily think it is a mistake. In fact, we must also define what a marriage is. Most basic understanding is that it is a vow that is made between partners, and this vow is made before God. Have you made a vow of commitment to each other? There is no need for priest to enact this vow or church. If you have made such vow, then you are married and must stick to the vow or promise. Anything that you do which might endanger this vow is thus adultery.
In summary, I do not think there is any need for church ceremony or pastor unless you wanted the function for yourselves to enjoy. However, for legal purposes, such as wills and such, there may be need for marriage papers but this is now a civic thing, not a Christian one.
I believe a Christian couple can be married in the eyes of God through a covenantal commitment vows, public recognition, and consummation without government-issued licenses. You need to have a public ceremony with family and witnesses and be married in the eyes of God.
In your situation, I could totally see you "getting married" before God and friends per carmelsk's comment. There is something called Friends' Ceremony, utilized by the Quakers (not sure if they still do it), where a couple makes vows before God in the presence of family and friends, not with a pastor or judge. It comes from the presupposition that God unites two hearts in marriage, not the state. And as you have already laid out, your situation does not require civil involvement. Maybe look into this? God is looking at your hearts, and if your intent is pure (wanting to be faithful to this one person), and you have been intimate, going by Old Testament standards you are married, in His sight. Which reminds me that I wrote a story about this topic! I will link it for you. https://marriageheat.com/2021/08/25/in-the-sight-of-god/
"Which reminds me that I wrote a story about this topic! I will link it for you. https://marriageheat.com/2021/08/25/in-the-sight-of-god/ "
That was a great story. Surprised I had not seen it before. Do you ever plan to publish (even privately) a collection of your stories
Don’t get married unless you both want to. Keep your sex life private. It’s no one else’s business. Just my opinion, but if you love God and love your neighbor as yourself, senior “normal” sex (nothing weird) in a committed male female relationship that cannot possibly result in unwanted babies is perfectly fine and frankly healthy and inspiring. And if I’m going to hell for saying this, or get banned by the editors, I’ll see a lot of you there.
To answer your question: "Do you think that in this situation it is a sin to have this kind of relationship outside of marriage?"
Simply put, yes, I do. I AM glad for you, that you've found companionship, but if you're going to share sexual companionship, the only thing I can advise in good conscience is to get married. We've had a lot of discussion here on the site recently, including some comments on this thread, questioning and debating whether sex outside of marriage is wrong. But personally, I remain convinced that the only relationship in which physical sexual expression is acceptable is in marriage. Here's a summary of my reasons for believing that.
Here are the main points in summary:
– Genesis 2:24-25 says that man and wife come together to be one flesh. Not just any man and woman, but a man and his WIFE—his partner for life, committed by covenant.
– Deuteronomy 22:13-21 prescribes severe punishments when pre-marriage promiscuity is discovered, or when false accusations of such are made. 22:21 also says, about a woman who was not a virgin at marriage, that "she has done an outrageous thing in Israel by whoring in her father's house." That statement sounds like it condemns unmarried sex pretty harshly.
– In 1 Corinthians 7:2, Paul says that the way to avoid sexual temptation is to have a spouse who can fulfill your sexual desires in a morally acceptable way. There's no suggestion that those desires can be met in an acceptable way in any relationship outside of marriage.
– In the same chapter, in verse 36, it's clear that the solution for strong sexual desire is marriage. People with such desire should marry, not just go ahead with having sex.
– The Bible gives zero positive or accepting references to sex outside of marriage.
– Marriage is representative of the relationship between Christ and the Church (Ephesians 5:32, in the broader context of 5:22-33), which means we should share our closest and most intimate relations with only ONE person—the one with whom we have a covenant.
This recent comment of mine on another post goes into a little more detail on some of those points: https://marriageheat.com/2025/12/16/addicted-to-porn-through-loneliness-help/#comment-73416
That's why I believe sex is morally unacceptable in every context except marriage.
But rather than judge you for following a lifestyle I believe is wrong, I want to help encourage you toward something better. Marriage is the biblical standard for a reason, and even though some of the usual elements of marriage don't apply, it's still a valuable and NECESSARY institution of God that must be honored, for the good of all society. As someone else mentioned, another reason would be to provide your family and friends with a good example of relationship commitment. And there are many more reasons I could come up with to still pursue marriage despite your unusal situation.
To help us understand your situation better, do you have more specific reasons for not getting married? You list family, financial and insurance reasons, but I have to question whether they are as serious as you make them out to be, or whether they're excuses to avoid an inconvenience.
I cannot think of a legitimate family reason to not get married. If you two are both widowed, there is no reason why getting remarried should be objectionable. If a family member is objecting, they should be lovingly told to take a hike, and you should move forward with your own independent choices.
I also think any financial or insurance reasons for not getting remarried would be shaky at best. I'm no expert though, and I could be wrong. There are certainly many absurd and broken pieces in such systems that set up exceedingly backwards incentives (like penalizing people for getting married), so I see the possibility. I would talk carefully and in depth with some professionals in finance and insurance to see if there are ways around such problems. Get a second and third opinion if you can, because no one person is going to know everything.
If all else fails, and getting married would unavoidably cause serious financial hardship, then I would suggest possibly still getting married, just without the legal aspect—a concept some other commenters have mentioned. Do whatever kind of ceremony you'd want, big or small, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, say your vows and mean them. If officializing your marriage would truly cause unavoidable problems for some reason, then still make your covenant commitment, just leave the government out of it. That would still be a marriage in my opinion, morally and spiritually, even if not in the eyes of the state.
We (those who commented) seem to agree the Bible teaches that a Christian couple in a sexual relationship needs to be married to be not guilty of fornication. This includes an inward life-long commitment on the part of the man and woman to each other that excludes all others. Is that sufficient? Or is it necessary for some outward manifestation, testifying to the commitment – something the community can see? Discussion here has offered several examples of what that testimony might look like. Yes, God looks at the heart and for the couple initiating this discussion, what He sees may be good. Unfortunately, fallen man quickly sees the outward appearance and often fails or is unable to look deeper.
I think the covenant commitment is most important. God was the only witness to Adam and Eve's marriage, and I'm not aware of any biblical requirement to have human witnesses. However, I do think it is best for there to be human witnesses. It's part of upholding the biblical ideas that we should be above reproach, that we should hold marriage in honor, and that we shouldn't be hypocrites and knowingly create opportunities for people to disparage out faith because of our hypocrisy (saying we believe sex should be in marriage, and then not living that out).
The wisdom of having witnesses doesn't mean there has to be an elaborate ceremony though. Even if there's no ceremony at all, as long as the couple has exchanged vows to love each other and be exclusive partners for the rest of their lives, and their community and acquaintances are aware of those vows, I personally think that's sufficient. Marriage is worth celebrating, but holding a special ceremony and throwing a party isn't a requirement.
To begin with, congratulations to the both of you for being 80, sexually active And most of all for finding love again.
My first natural reaction when reading the story was, what the hell you're 80 you love each other you enjoy one another You've both been married and raise your children what's the big deal about getting married? If you don't want to, than don't !
And for many people in this world that would end right there.
The catch is you're Christians, You've placed your faith in the one who purchased your forgiveness with his blood.
As I looked over the reasons that you listed for not getting married. It dawned on me that this really isn't all that different from somebody who could be 60 years younger than you.
Things like it wouldn't be economically feasible or the paperwork and cost of insurance would be too much just to change it, And then there's family. Family is always a factor no matter what age you are and at this stage of life your family should be absolutely ecstatic for the both of you.
I don't think I need to go through any scripture verses seeing as everybody else is already done that besides that fact you probably both know all of those already before anybody said it.
There's three questions really at stake here. What is marriage? What does it mean to have faith in God through Jesus Christ.?
And what is sin?
Marriage is a contractual agreement between two people.
That you will remain monogamously faithful to one another and that you will love and give yourself to one another for the rest of your lives together.
Over and over again Jesus will refer to marriage as the relationship between himself and us. He calls us his bride, And in doing what he did he proved his love for us. In return it's up to us to remain faithful to him and prove our love to him by following what he says.
When we choose to go our own way and that way doesn't [coincide] with what we know to be true scripturally. It's like being unfaithful to your spouse. In other words it's a breach of the contract the two of you have joined into together. Just the same as [if] you or your partner were to stray once in awhile.
An interesting thing about Christianity is we are never ever forced to Love or follow God. We are expected to do it all voluntarily and it's the same as a man and a woman. We expect one another to enter each new day voluntarily .
The contract that we are to voluntarily follow is the word of God the promise that if we voluntarily enter in to our relationship with God we will also abide by the written word.
And sin, is disobedience to that word.
An interesting thing about sin is we know when it's sin. We just don't want to hear that it would be a sin.
And the real question is here being the bride of Christ, both of you.
Are you going to abide by the contract voluntarily?
We can make all excuses in the world for not doing the right thing and we're never going to be forced to do it. It's always for us to choose to do what we think and know is the right thing.
And far be it from me to say you're wrong whichever you choose. For God knows I've done my own disobedient things over the years multiple times.
M.
Would you tell your own children, or grandchildren, to go ahead & have a relationship like you are?
What would your deceased spouses say?
Get a prenuptial agreement to protect all the financials, & what not, & get married. If there is intercourse, as you say, you are sinning without being married.
Imo, if you don't want marriage, I personally could not pass judgement upon just about anything up to intercourse. I would not say that to everyone, though, & yes I do know I am out on a possibly very weak limb. But, if you can stay in control & it never finish with piv I could not effectively say you were sinning. However, this would have to be a strict line that you both could easily not cross. I am only going by the context of sex sin always bringing up the joining, or going into, factor, in the Bible. But, this would have to be case by case, again not for everyone. And, I am not speaking for God, here. Go with what He tells you.
As followers of Christ, you have the Holy Spirit dwelling inside of you. The reason you are asking this question is you know in your heart of hearts that something isn't right with having a sexual relationship outside of marriage. The Holy Spirit is leading you out of sin and into a better way to live. 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5: "It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable." The term "fornication" or "sexual immorality" (porneia in Greek) used in the New Testament covers all sexual activity outside of marriage. Believers are to treat each other holy and honorably. Get right with the Lord. He is faithful and just to forgive you of your sin. Get married and enjoy the full benefits that God created married men and women to experience.
Have you discussed all the concerns you have with a lawyer?I think most of your concerns could be dealt with.The fact that you posted this says you know it's wrong but if you get enough people to say otherwise it would be ok.If think it's ok go ahead and ignore what others think.