Help!!
My husband and I will be married for 1 year in early march. When we first got married sex was awesome most of the time. Granted not every time anyone has sex is it mind blowing. We used to explore and take trips to the local lingerie and adult toy stores to get our imaginations pumping. It’s been awesome so far. Surprisingly I have the higher libido and he usually wants a day or so to “recover”. Well, this has not been a problem until recently. He’s working so much (almost 60-70hrs a week) that I guess his interest in sex has decreased. Which is understandable but it’s leaving me feeling neglected. It’s also frustrating that anytime he’s horny I’ll give him what he wants even if I’m not feeling it (because I believe spouses should never except for certain exceptions deny sex to the other). So he gets sex whenever he wants, and blowjobs whenever, but when I’m feeling flirty I have to sit and wait for him to wind down, play his game, watch tv… and then when I try to make a move if he’s not feeling it he tells me maybe tomorrow. I have communicated this to him multiple times but nothing has changed. Yesterday I tried to get his mind wandering at a wedding we were attending. Thinking this would set the tone for when we returned home. He just made fun of me for being horny all the time and then went straight to bed when we got home. This cycle is really taking a toll on me. I understand he works very hard and sex isn’t everything, but I feel like my needs aren’t being met… is this selfish of me? Any advice is welcomed… I really just want to figure out how to get him to see how it affects me… thanks in advance.
Sorry to hear this. Not, its not really right for him to neglect you to watch TV, play games, etc. Your needs are legitimate. Though men do get tired working so many hours. Still he shouldn't make fun of you.
So what can you do? Will he let you give him a blow job when he isn't in the mood but you are? Then once you get him hard, will he let you ride his dick? That might not be mind blowing every time, but maybe better than being neglected?
Or what if you just climb on his leg and start grinding? Even when I'm exhausted and nearly asleep, if my wife starts doing this, it gets me hard and horny.
You're right about the fact that we're not to deprive our spouses of sex, and no you are not selfish at all, dear. I think, to tell you the truth, he was rather cruel to make fun of you, like that. Most men actually want a wife with a high libido, and clearly he's not counting his blessing. Now I know you stated that you have talked to him about this before, but did you actually show him or recite those lines in Corinthians where it talks about marital sex?
It's really not fair that you give him everything he wants, and doesn't do the same for you, your need are legitimate. I'm sorry for what is going on with you right now, and I hope all gets better for you, dear. God bless
Time for a heart to heart. Try that, it will help to be heard by your spouse. Maybe some thing different that works for him. I have a spouse that likes the rut. Every once and while I have to pull the bes out of the rut. It as worked for 40 years. Might work for you to!
Victorious, I feel for you.
Your situation wasn't quite different from my own. But in my case, I was working all the hours–two jobs, school, helping around the house–and was exhausted and yet when she wanted something I took that verse seriously, but when I wanted something I was put off.
From my experience it's taken a lot of prayer to keep my mind right, being thankful when it was her moments instead of seeing it as, "Well here we go again, this is what she wants but when its on my mind next time…" and enjoying it, and a lot of communication with her.
Even today she has her ups and downs. One second it will be give and take from both of us and it will be bright. But when she starts slacking on her end, I politely let her know she's doing it again. She gets comfortably knowing that I'm always ready to go when she is because that's who I am and I have to remind her not to forget about me.
He's working a lot, but see if you can get him to go out with you and really talk. I agree with Harper, make sure you show him that verse in Corinthians so he knows that this is supposed to be a dual effort. Tell him your feelings, let him know he hurt you when he brushes off your advances, remind him that you're always willing when he is, but you need him to be up for it as well or your partnership will be one sided.
It's only year one. You're going to have the bumpy roads, strap in, cling to God first, and let him guide you on those bumpy roads. I pray that God opens up that door to really communicate your desires to your husband and that he listens.
Be blessed Victorious.
You are not selfish. You may want to address the problem to him again and just have a heart to heart conversation. It isn't right for him to make fun of you for 'being horny all the time'. We all have emotions and desires and he needs to know it. My husband works long hours and he may not be in the mood but we both want what's best for the other and please the other. Pray to God and ask him the questions and let him guide you. Pray with your husband and for your husband. Try looking at some bible verses about this conflict. I'll pray for you both and God bless, hope to hear an outcome soon!
In our early years I worked 70 plus hours every week, my wife worked part time in retail. When i returned home she would be adorned with a tight tank top and pair of very short shorts. I knew what she wanted but many times I was too tired to join in. Sometimes I would fall asleep in my chair, to the frustration of my Loving Wife. I was very attracted to her, my body and mind were very tired physically. My wife would put little love notes in my sandwich container and lunch box, she couldn't wait to read what i had written that day. I would write something back, though not as long as her message was. Ladies are very descriptive that way. I would have a heart to heart talk with your hubby[ KISS/ keep it short and simple] { try to make it short and sweet as possible, keep His attention} Let him know you are the love of his life and you want to please him. Try to explain without being judgemental that your cup of Love needs to be OVER FLOWING and HE IS the only one given the task by GOD to do it. In the morning after a nights rest, sometimes my wife would wake up very horny, take charge of the moment and climb on top. Send Him To WORK with a smile on his face!!! A marriage goes through many changes. After having children my wife saw herself very differently. Raising children, going through life and gaining some weight, her desire for sex went way down! I tried to explain how i felt, the response i received was all you think about is sex. I kept on loving my wife and trying different things to stir the flames of love. I found marriage heat and shared some of stories i read with my wife. It was like turning on a light, my wife had Turned on SEXUALLY for the first Time!!! She wanted ME and I WANTED HER!! In our marriage I'm usually the one to spice it up, now MY WIFE TAKES CHARGE SOMETIMES!! She had a surprise for me one night and GAVE ME A BLOW JOB [ THIS WAS ONLY SECOND TIME IN 29 YEARS] it goes without saying I WAS SURPRISED!!! Don't give up, you will make it with GOD's HELP. The struggles you are having are normal, it's called LIFE. After 30 years and counting my wife and I continue to grow together. Try not to be discouraged, don't give up, your BLESSINGS WILL COME!!
Hi Victorious,
My wife and I have counseling practice and we've found that almost all issues have their root in communication or more specifically, miscommunication. My hunch is that something else is behind your husband's withdrawal than just busyness. In fact, I suspect he may be hiding behind the busyness.
Many first year couples come across "I thought it would be different" issues. I'll bet you have some of these as well. They are difficult to bring up and without proper communication skills, they go unaddressed. This then leads to withdrawal or defensiveness. Classic signs are, "I'm tired" and, "nothing's wrong".
Have a heart to heart with him and seek to dive below the surface conversations and surface issues. Get to the "how are we doing at this thing called marriage?" and, "are there things you wish I was doing or wish I was hearing you say better?" issues. Don't be satisfied with "everything's fine" or, "it doesn't matter" or, "it's no big deal". It's always the little things that kill marriages over time. May God bless you both.
Grab him first thing in the morning while he has his morning testosterone high & the morning hard-on. And I don't mean verbally, literally grab him.
I agree with TNKarl, this situation may well have little to do with desire mismatch or being too tired. Often a sexual difficulty is merely a symptom of failing to address, to communicate about, a totally separate problem. Not trying for one up man ship, but truly in our early marriage, a 70 hr work week would often have felt like part time work (sometimes months and months working between 100-120 hrs a week). Despite being always tired then, we now often look back and fantasize about our raucous escapades, and still take pleasure at our joy in developing new sexual talents when our marriage was starting. When our sex life wained, it wasn't because of the exhaustion or stress. Working long hours taught us that we need non-sexual time together for intimate communication, to address each other's unspoken needs. Laying in front of the fireplace after a massive orgasm was not the time to talk about separating colors from whites in the wash so that my ivory striped shirt wasn't a dull pale pink. It is easy to let things build up, to feel uncherished, as you learn each other's lifestyle rhythms. Beside looking back with fresh pleasure at our youthful sexual adventures, we also look back fondly at long walks to the grocery store, sometimes in snow, or to strolls after buying an ice cream cone. Thinking back to shopping with little money in our pocket or to long meals sitting in a fast food place will still make us smile. When life is hectic, as it still is, we have learned to communicate and to enjoy the time doing very mundane things together. Fun and excitement are great but often over rated when life is hectic. We learned to steal time by enjoying the mundane and simple, things that are enjoyable only because we are together.
It may or may or may not be something your comfortable with but you could try pleasuring yourself in front of him when he's had a long day. You enjoy yourself and just let him watch. He may want to jump in but if not part of your need is met and he's probably having a good time too.
Not sure if this is the same situation or will help but reminds of times early in our marriage when I was hoping, wishing, wanting sex from my wife but didn't know how to put her in the mood, ask for it, turn her on, get what I needed. I was frustrated day after day hoping maybe today was the day, then it wasn't, neither was the next day, and so on. Everything changed when we started scheduling sex. At first it was every Friday night. Gave me something to plan for and something at least for her to commit to. We eventually moved up to twice a week (not saying we never have spontaneous sex) and still doing it 20 years later with obvious some flexibility when life requires it. Scheduling sex may not be for everyone, but it has helped us immensely because our expectations and when and what to plan for are the same.
You are not being selfish. Pray for him and be thankful for what do have, rather than giving Satan an opportunity by focusing on what you don't. This does not excuse his responsibility but it helps combat bitterness.
What he said was hurtful. You need to share that with him in a gentle way.
Don't let bitterness take root. Early in our 26+ years of marriage I let bitterness and envy take route because we didn't know how to properly share and communicate. Satan was feeding me lies and I began to see my spouse as the enemy rather than seeing the devil as the true enemy who was working to destroy our marriage.
Humble, prayerful, submission to Jesus Christ and His word is our foundation.
I'm praying for you, Sweet One.
T
Marriage takes work. It is not a game of emotions but a contract of commitment. Sex in marriage is no different. As the marriage matures so should the sex. Newlywed sex is all about being horny and passionate but life can wear down the passion that we relied on to keep things alive. There was a period of about 9 months where I was working a lot and newly married. I felt this tension between getting the work done I needed to and making sure to keep my marriage as the main priority. My wife and I sat down and discussed how she felt and how much I felt I needed to work to accomplish what I needed to. We came to an agreement on what would work for that season. It was tough but we made it through and since we both came into agreement about how to handle it, we came out the other side stronger. You shouldn't feel bad for feeling horny. Most men would love to have a wife willing to explore sexuality like you do. Life comes in seasons and this may be a season of sacrifice for both of you but not at the sake of your relationship. If he has to work a lot then there may not be anything that can be done about that but he needs to realize that even in the business he needs to make time for you. That may mean a date night scheduled so that you two have quality time together. Or maybe just a schedule "adult" evening that he knows before hand to be set aside time and be mentally available. If you do have a limited time then make the most of it. Plan all the naughty things that get you both in the mood. Making sex a priority is not just about "getting needs met". It is about prioritizing marriage even in the tough seasons when life just wants to pull our focus from what God has given us. Communication gets you to the table. Honesty gets you to a solution.
A lot of guys won't admit it, but when it comes to sex, we're not all that different from women most of the time. If your mind isn't in "that" place, simply flicking a switch is more likely to trip a breaker than turn on the light. Have you tried sexting him while at work? Just putting him in the right frame of mind throughout the day will likely have the desired affect (assuming there isn't an underlying problem) and tired or not, he will want you as badly as you want him when he comes home from a long day at work. I speak from experience and after nearly 30 years of marriage, a few sexy messages or pics from her throughout the day has me really excited to get home to her! Good luck! 🙂