Relationship Advice
Hello MH!
It’s been a while since I’ve asked for advice from you all, but today is another day for some questions.
I’m still in the relationship with the same girl that I’ve been dating for almost 2 years. So far, things have been mostly smooth with a few hiccups/family drama. I still feel like God has called me to this girl, but I would still like to ask for help.
The main issue now is that I just finished my freshman year of college and she just finished her junior year of high school. When we met, we were both in high school so the age gap was less noticeable. Now, it’s beginning to pose issues with others.
Recently, my girlfriend and I rededicated our relationship to the Lord. We never went too far, but we crossed some lines that we had both originally drawn. Complacency in our poor decisions led us to some tension, so we recently let it go and redrew boundaries.
There is still some drama concerning our families and prior arguments/misunderstandings. Should that hinder us from continuing in our relationship?
The main issue is that we have placed our verbal commitments of never leaving each other above the potential that God could ever lead us to do otherwise. If it were our decision, we would make a lifelong commitment. However, since our families do have some issues based on an unresolved argument that left both parties feeling attacked, we wonder if God is telling us to move on because of the lack of harmony and peace. We are soon going to try to facilitate a talk between our families, but if it goes badly, should we give up on restoration and end our relationship? I really don’t want to, but I don’t want to stand in the way of God’s will.
I know this whole post is very vague, but I could really use some advice and encouragement. Thank you!
-Paul Monk-
Hi Paul,
I just want to say that I don't think your question is uncommon. I think many couples encounters issues between families or pressures that can cause tension in a relationship. My husband and I had a lot of tension brought in to our relationship even when we were dating. It took me some time to get past this, however I eventually learned that if I can't change it only God can, so I prayed and prayed because I knew how much my husband and I loved each other. God answered my prayers, it didn't happen over night but I believe I learnt some good lessons along the way. I would definitely do your best to mend things, but sometimes only God can shine a light. If you two really love each other then I would suggest you pray and trust in God. You're in my prayers Paul.
Hi paul, I know exactly what you are going through. I once dated a guy who my family had a lot of difficulties with and eventually the relationship broke up. One thing is for sure is God will never bring disunity among families. If the relationship is causing strife then you need to pray and ask God why, hopefully from there you will know the will of God concerning the realtionship. After I left that relationship which was causing problems in my home, I prayed to God that he will bring someone who will not only be accepted by my family but a relationship that will bring peace. Because not only are you marrying that person, you are also marrying into their family and thief influence can affect your relationship
Most families have their drama. Obviously we don't know the full story, but if it was a misunderstanding and some parties are not forgiving as they should, there is nothing you can do about that except encourage them to do the right thing. My wife and I both had tension with the opposite family for the first couple of years of marriage. But you're merging two often very different families together and that's rarely easy. If you're committed to each other and your relationship between the two of you is good, that's what matters. Life is hard. Giving up on a relationship because of general conflict is rarely the right move.
Most families have their drama. Obviously we don't know the full story, but if it was a misunderstanding and some parties are not forgiving as they should, there is nothing you can do about that except encourage them to do the right thing. My wife and I both had tension with the opposite family for the first couple of years of marriage. But you're merging two often very different families together and that's rarely easy. If you're committed to each other and your relationship between the two of you is good, that's what matters. Life is hard. Giving up on a relationship because of general conflict is rarely the right move.
Paul…
At the end of the day, you will marry the woman. You will not marry her parents. She will not marry your parents. Neither set of parents will share a home with you.
You write that if it were your choice, you would make the lifetime commitment now. If that remains your choice, then make your choice.
Remember further that in a disagreement between a spouse and in-laws, the spouse ALWAYS wins, even when the spouse is "wrong." The reason is that you become one flesh. You would not disagree with yourself. Therefore, you do not disagree with the part of you that becomes one flesh. The respective parents will do just fine. They have made it this far in life. They raised children who are aware of the importance of drawing boundaries. They will figure this out too.
Last, honouring your spouse does not fly in the face of honouring your parents. They apparently raised you with clear values on marriage. You bring them great respect when you follow what they teach you.
Good luck.
R/SCG
Hi Paul.
First comment I would make is don't get too caught up in the verbal commitment to each other that you made while still quite young. You wouldn't be the first person to make a commitment to someone at that age when it was unlikely to be sustained. The key component is what is God leading you to do? If God wants you to be together he will either facilitate resolution between your respective families or alternatively give both of you the strength to overcome the inevitable tension. If neither occur then I would question whether it's is his will or yours. Second point is that you said you have put your commitment to each other above God's will leading you another direction. If you do that then I would say it's probably going to be an unpleasant result long term.
Hi Paul!
I think that whatever you and your girlfriend think is best for you. If you feel that God is calling you to continue this relationship with this girl, then you should follow.
Of course your family is going to have their sayings but don't let that ruin your relationship with her. Go with your heart, listen to both of your families and talk it out but don't let it get out of hand. I'm not saying to not listen to your parents or hers I'm just saying that follow what you think God wants and then talk with the family! I hope this helps!
-Jessa
Hi Paul,
Happy to hear that you and your girlfriend are still together and are handling together the challenges that life can bring into relationships. I do wanna weigh in on this and hope to share one or another helpful bit as I do. I believe that you should not get in doubt about your relationship with your girlfriend just because the in-laws don't get along with each other too well. The Bible says that we, the children, are to respect our parents but that doesn't mean that everything the parents say or do is necessarily right and overrules what you feel in your heart to be right, especially if they are caught up in their own tempers and egos about people, issues or situations. We have every right to respectfully disagree and follow what we believe in our heart to be right. You are anxious that maybe God might be telling you through this strife in the family that you and your girlfriend shouldn't be together but I believe you lead yourself astray here… Yes, the Bible says that He will lead us along the peaceful, still and calm waters and streams, but you should not forget that the Kingdom of God (the righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit) is WITHIN you. That peace is to be found within you. All hell may be breaking loose around you, if you find and have peace in your heart despite of it, then that's God's touch leading you, telling you that you're on the right track. God gives us peace that passes understanding, and it manifests within us. He gives us assurance not through what's going on around us or through the people around us but through His touch, His Presence within us. You have a storm in your life in the form of strife between your respective set of parents and family but from what I can read out of what you shared you are still at peace in your heart about your girlfriend being the one for you. That peace is way more likely to be the voice of God than the strife and chaos around you. The Bible is clear about who is the one that brings chaos and confusion and strife – it is not God, it's the Enemy. So, listen within you – that's where God leads. The Bible says that a man will leave his father and his mother and become one with his bride. Remember that you are not here to live your life to please people. You're here to please God, and sometimes that means that you have to stand against some dynamics and some people and go your own way with Him. That doesn't make them (nor you) bad people. But you have a destiny to fulfill for God and you cannot get stuck on doing what they should be doing – resolving disagreements in a wise, mature, godly way between themselves. You can try to help (and it is good that your heart wants to help resolve it – tells me your heart is in the right place, in God) but at the end of the day, if they refuse to be mature and overcome the petty disagreements, then you should not get in doubt about your relationship with your girlfriend because of it. You and God are all that counts when push comes to shove.
I do wanna share what I experience in my family currently to exemplify this. I am not in a relationship yet but my brother has "married" his high school sweetheart at a young age… we've got 2 families that do not at all get along with each other. I say "married" because they didn't marry right away (he knows Christian religion (as is the norm in Europe) but he has no real relationship with Christ, I believe… in the sense of living and letting your life be guided and defined according to the Truth of the Bible in everything) – they were in a committed relationship since 17 years old, they moved out to another town after school, living together (certainly also sleeping together), doing life together, marrying after 7 years (not in church because my sister-in-laws' family are left-liberal, non-believing people; our family is conservative and believing in God, but all they knew thus far is more religion than relationship with God – I'm the first in the family to be blessed by God to have had opened my eyes to Christ and all He really is and to have been given a personal relationship with Him by God, which has become my life and the reason and source of everything I strive to be, say and do). At the beginning of the year, my brother and his wife became parents (2 boys). There has always been animosity between the in-laws, most of it not openly lived out but behind-the-scenes, an angry, resentful undercurrent that's ever-present. Since the birth of the boys, to me, it's like all hell has broken loose, and I am caught up in the middle of it because I am the bumper of the family – I am stuck with my parents and trying to be the best I can be to be the light for God that He enables me to be where He has me in all those situations – sometimes it bears fruit and the strife vanishes, the tempers cool back down, the egos take a backseat again, and sometimes, no matter what I try to do, I run against brick walls and end up depleted myself. The heart of the matter in the strife issue of my family and in-laws is that my sister-in-laws' mother is an extremely dominant person – she is constantly uber-involved in her daughter's life (and in the relationship of my brother and her from the beginning on). My parents have let my brother be independent in his relationship and marriage. While dating his sweetheart and in the early years of their relationship, my brother made a huge mistake in giving my parents the feeling that his girlfriend's side of the family was better than his own parents. That was disrespectful and left a wound in mom that pops back open every time an issue with the in-laws comes up and cuts deep. As my brother soon found out himself, he was wrong about judging that her family was better, as the truth was that her family is living their life pretending to be the cream of the crop when they have chaos, havoc and drama in their own family in every relationship. Since the boys have been born, all hell broke loose because my sister-in-laws' mom is claiming them to be all hers – she is "grandma Numero 1" – and there's nothing to be done about it because it's my brother and sister-in-laws' decision of just how much they let the dominant mother-in-law interfere and they have never kept a distance or drawn much boundaries to her being in their life and business every day. My mom in her heart would love to be close to the grandkids but feels excluded and is convinced that she has no chance against the dominant woman on the other side, so she tries to shut off her heart, so she won't build too deep an emotional bond to the babies because she'd end up hurt to the core knowing she has no chance of being a meaningful part in their life. It tears her apart. It doesn't help that my father is of the same kind of personality as my sister-in-laws' mom – manipulative, instigating strife behind-the-scenes, jealous, pretending, rather selfish, immature, easy to offend. Instead of helping my mom make the best of the situation, he continuously, at every opportunity, stirs up in her anger, resentment, strife… and I'm in the middle of all of it, giving my all to keep the strife out of the home, trying to impart into my mom that she doesn't need to let herself be dragged into this big mess of strife, that she should keep her peace, her joy (also about the babies),… and so on and so forth. I told her that she can't change the other woman, that only my brother and his wife could and should draw boundaries, and if they don't, someday they will reap what they have sown… but it's not worth spending her lifetime in strife over it, giving away her joy, her peace over something she can't change, letting her heart be hardened by it… the time we are given is valuable, we shouldn't let the devil steal it. As I said sometimes I get through to her, sometimes my efforts are in vain because my father ends up sabotaging me. To me personally, it is a horrible situation. I witness how they are all acting, all the talk behind people's backs, all the strife and chaos, and at times I get scared wondering if I ever have children, will the same relational struggle happen with me and my husband, mine and his family? Will they act that way with me and my future husband too? I told my mom how this whole thing impacts me and she assured me that it won't happen towards the marriage I would have because the problem here is the dominant in-law woman on the other side. Whether it would happen or not, doesn't matter much to me anymore, as I give myself entirely to God. As long as I have Him with me, I have all I need. I am "stuck" with my parents so far but I hold on to God's promise in my heart that He will bless me one day (hopefully soon) with my own marriage, with a love of my own, a godly man, and I have made some personal decisions in my heart about family affairs already now. By God's grace, I have learned in my life to stand on what I believe in my heart, even if no one stands with me. With God, I can handle my family and "bear the burden" of the issues that may arise out of it – I will not carry any of that into my relationship or the marriage I'll have with my future husband. God will be the only one for me that will have a say in terms of approving a relationship I may be drawn to or not. I will treat my parents with respect but I have already begun to draw healthy boundaries in preparation for a potential relationship. I will build my relationship according to God's leading in my heart and His Word, and not let people interfere or claim inappropriate ground. Out of my personal history with my father and seeing how he continues to behave, I don't want him close to me, as it is toxic to me. I can love him best when he is at a distance. And there is no shame in this… sometimes there's only so much one can do. It takes 2 to successfully resolve anything. I strive to do my best and leave it in God's hand. And as I said, I am not called to please people, when push comes to shove, but to please God and pursue the destiny He has for me.
Dear Paul, if you can see yourself going the distance of a lifetime with your girlfriend, by His Grace, honoring God with your heart turned and in tune towards Him, following Him with all you are and all you are not or not yet, through thick and thin, through challenges, through joys unspeakable, through everything… if you can't imagine being one day without her in your life but wanna fight for her, grow with her, love on her, and she wanting this in the same way… if you feel peace in your heart and a still, small voice assuring you within, despite the storm that rages around you at the moment… then I believe you should not let go of each other and you should not let doubt slither in. The louder the voices around us, the more we need to take time and get somewhere quiet and let the voice within us guide us. You and your girlfriend, keep your focus on God and honoring Him, with your lives and inner beings, and He will lead you in His will for you. Ultimately, this is between you, your girlfriend and God alone.
God bless you and your girlfriend, Paul!! You've got a good heart! May He bring peace to the storm! And if the storm will not be resolved, may He give you strength, wisdom and perseverance to stand, even if it means to stand alone with God for your relationship! God will fight your battles for you. Love and blessings,
PfC
This sounds like a Romeo & Juliet situation to me. No way, if God has called you to be together, no, don't end it. I'd still pray about this, and make sure you don't spend too much time together because that might be causing temptation. When my husband and I courted , our family members were always there if we were at the other person's house. God bless you and may things go well.
Hi Paul, its great to hear from you again! I can't write a long note but I am gonna say that, in the end, God is the only one you should be listening to, a point that you know I'm sure. One of the comments said that God will never bring disunity among families. I highly disagree with that. Even families that both love the Lord will have differing views on how you should live your life and the timing of getting married. My husband and I went through a situation like this and we ended up "disappointing" one set of parents. They realized later that we did what God wanted us to and relationship wirh them is solid. I want to encourage you to listen to God, read His Word, and talk to your girlfriend. May God lead you to victory!
I dated a girlfriend when I was a college freshman (18) and she was a HS sophomore (15). We were definitely in love and thought we would get married. Now I'm in my 40s, and have a 15 year marriage. I look back at that time as being a bit "naive" and my judgment was kind of clouded, although I thought I had my stuff together. If you are willing to dissolve your relationship over a family disagreement, you are likely not ready to be talking about making a "lifelong commitment." When my daughter is 16-17, I would not want her to be wrestling with talks about marriage. You will likely need to withstand a few more storms to see if your relationship is ready for the "lifelong" journey. Many marriages have to go through unforeseen battles and somehow don't give up. So I guess my advice is to keep the relationship going through THIS and other difficult valleys. If you can't withstand the trials pre-marriage, then you'll be happy the relationship ended. If you do endure, you'll be stronger entering into marriage. (James 1:2-4)
Wow PfC. Thank you for sharing your story with me and providing godly counsel. The more I read your story of your brother and his relationship, it dawned on me that my relationship with my girlfriend and her family/my family was very similar. I felt like God confirmed in my heart that I needed to move on in order to provide peace and happiness for my family, her family, and ultimately us in the long run. We both are very family-oriented, so dependence/relationships with them would be a lifelong struggle do to their clashing personalities. That could reflect poorly on my relationship with her. I'll comment below with a full story, but thank you so much for your input.
-PM
Sorry for the comment glitch. I don't know how it ended up under your comment, PacMan. But thanks for your input, too!
You're welcome, Paul <3 Glad I could share something valuable and helpful to you. I have no doubt that God will take great care of the both of you, even in this hour. May He continue to watch over you all, comfort y'all and bless you all richly with His Presence and His love!
I once dated a girlfriend while I was a freshman in college (18) and she was a sophomore in HS (15). We also thought we were going to get married. Now that I'm in my 40s and have 15+ years of marriage under my belt, I look at that earlier relationship as a bit of a naive stage… I thought I knew more about myself and the world than I really did. When my daughter is 16-17, I don't want her to be thinking about getting married. And to be honest, if you are thinking about dissolving the relationship over this family argument, you also are likely not ready to make a "lifelong commitment." Marriages often have to withstand unforeseen battles. So I think it's good for your relationship to experience various trials. If the relationship can't withstand them, then you'll be happy you didn't jump into marriage prematurely. And if you are able to withstand THIS and other storms, and you do get married, you'll start that commitment with a stronger foundation. (James 1:2-4)
Hello everyone! Thank you all so very much for your advice and godly wisdom. It really helped ease my heart and open my eyes.
After much prayer and thought, I realized that my situation was more than just a family disagreement. It is deep-rooted, irreversible character differences. I also realized that a lot of people love my family and a lot of people love her family, so if our families can't get along or love each other or accept our differences without judgement (regardless of "who's fault" it is), that it's time to move on. I felt like God confirmed in my heart that I needed to move on in order to provide peace and happiness for my family, her family, and ultimately us in the long run. We both are very family-oriented, so dependence/relationships with them would be a lifelong struggle do to their clashing personalities. That could reflect poorly on my relationship with her.
We haven't talked much since the break up, but we are both still praying for each other and know that God uses all situations for good. Thank you for your advice, thoughts, and continued prayers over the past year or so since my first post. It certainly means a lot to me.
God bless!
-Paul Monk