How often do you and your spouse get it on?
I’m curious how my relationship with my wife compares to yours. I met my wife online, on a dating site, while we were both in different countries. With respect to her, I’m only sharing the intimacy aspect of our relationship. We are both young and healthy, I’m in my 30’s and she’s in her 20’s and we rarely have sex. I’m craving it all the time but she doesn’t seem to be interested. I usually just beat off in the shower or in the restroom. On our wedding night, we got back to our hotel room and I was expecting a sex festival, but I basically had to chase her and really pressure her into sex which to me seems crazy but I just brushed it off. She was more interested in counting the groom’s men and bridesmaids rentals? No, I’m not exaggerating because that would entirely defeat the purpose of this post.
We have been married and living together for 2 years and have had sex maybe 15-20 times, including our anniversaries, wedding night, honeymoon, everything. Maybe 20 times total. 2-3 times on our 5-day honeymoon. Then probably 1-2 times a month for the first 6 months. Our last anniversary we didn’t even have sex! We went out to a fancy white table cloth restaurant too. I’m suspecting that my marriage isn’t legit. She never instigates sex or tells me that she wants to treat me to a blowjob or anything. I feel so cheated. If she loves me then why wouldn’t she want to have sex? She even made comments before about being worried about STDs even though I’m the only person she has sex with. I don’t have STDs or herpes or anything.
I talked to other couples and they said that the first month or so they had sex 2-3 x a day, some 100 in the first month. I felt so betrayed and stupid when I heard this. I just had no idea that couples out there were so active in their relationship. But actually, when I think about it, what they told me makes perfect sense. There’s a honeymoon phase that I have heard many people talk about and maybe I just expected it to mean that there’s no arguing but in the back of my mind I didn’t want to believe that my marriage was a sham and that in reality, they were referring to a brief period that involved lots of sex all the time. I’m a USA citizen and her family is very poor. So, what was your “honeymoon” phase like? How often in the first 2 years did you get it on? When did sex slow down for you? What other valuable info about your sex life can you give for practical purposes. Men, do your wives ever initiate sex or blowjobs? Wives, does your husband have to pressure you into sex on your wedding night or on anniversaries? Thanks for your reply. Please don’t just read this post and rate it but instead please give feedback. The more I can learn about others is very important right now.
If all is normal and goes well, twice a week for us, pretty much been like that throughout our 20 year marriage.
Totally get it – I'm not even 21 and haven't had sex in nearly 2 weeks :-/
Hubby (25) and I have been married for just over 2yrs as well and have a one year old son together. Sex was amazing in the beginning but since he began studying and our son was born (over a year ago)….nada! Basically have to force him into and usually (I think) he seems to do it to get me off his back about it all.
I make myself available to him for bj's or sex etc whenever he wants it and I take care of my body reasonably well (back to pre baby weight by 6m pp) but nope no interest. Doesn't seem to give a damn about how I dress etc either…
I've just learnt to accept it now and take it whenever it comes my way. Probably not the answer you were hoping for but hey you're not alone.
Let me just tell you that pressuring your wife into sex will NOT help. Encourage, maybe but NO pressuring. I understand how you can feel resentful that your wife isn't doing her wifely duties regarding sex, but if you only express anger it will push her further away. Where is your wife from, if I may ask? The reason I ask is maybe the culture thinks negatively of sex. I've been married 33 years and sex is still going strong for us, never mind our age. Several times a week, we do it, and yes, sometimes I do initiate. My husband likes that I do.
I have to say it's a bit unusual for young people to rarely have sex. But pressuring is not going to help, because that won't make her want it more – it'll just make her NOT want it more. I've been married 38 years, and we've always had sex 4 times a week or more. Sex is amazing for us, even now as ever. Have you by any chance shown your wife the lines in Corinthians about marital sex? Before my husband and I got married, I remember the priest at our church gave a sermon on this, and he stressed the importance of having sex regularly, and not only that, but to have variety in our sex lives too, to keep it exciting, otherwise your souse will look elsewhere if you don't give them the excitement. Yes, I also did have sex with my husband sometimes twice in one night, on our honeymoon. But that was us. Doesn't have to be you, necessarily. Sex has not slown down for us. What did you mean when you said your marriage "isn’t legit"? (English is not my first language). Did you talk to her about this? I'll pray for you. God bless
I am really sorry for your situation. No doubt it is difficult on the both of you. Your frustration is clear and I am glad that you felt that MH was a place that you could ask such a personal and deep question. I don't think it very encouraging to compare your situation against others because we are all different in our needs and I sense that the issue may be more than just about the frequency of sex. If there is little or no sex there is a reason why. Are there health issues? Are there misconceptions or fears about sex? Are there marital issues to be addressed? Those and other questions should be asked and answered honestly. Perhaps she has a health issue that she is keeping private and alone in dealing with it. It may be helpful to gently open up a discussion with her what she was taught about sex or any concerns she has. Being honest about your marriage relationship, the areas of growth that you both need to work on, focusing on the areas that are going well, goals that you both have, and so on. Knowing one another's Love Languages would be beneficial to deepen your relationship. Sex is important in a marriage but it isn't the only thing. Showing care, respect, and cherishing one another are also important for a marriage to grow. However you approach this issue with your wife, remember that she is your Beloved and being patient, understanding, and selfless is key. It takes time to work things through but the payoff will be great. Good luck and God Bless!
On our wedding night we undressed each other. After a thorough look at each other's naked bodies and some time of hugging, kissing and feeling each other naked for the first time, we took a shower together, soaped each other up and washed each other. Then we retreated to our bed and made love twice with about an hour apart.
On our honeymoon we had sex once or twice a day.
As we got home and our normal day to day life took over, the frequency went down of course. Before kids we averaged maybe 2-3 times a week. A big problem for us was my wife being on hormonal contraceptives. It almost killed all of her desire for sex. As soon as she stopped taking those pills her desire went through the roof. Like she was a totally different person.
During the years of pregnancies, nursing and taking care of babies, it slowed down even more to maybe 1-2 times a week.
Now when the kids are older we usually have sex about every other day. But some times two days in a row. Some times both at night and the morning after. And some times it goes a week between. The important thing is that we have it often and regularly. The exact frequency can differ from couple to couple.
Sex is not a chore that one spouse should do out of obligation. Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together. As someone said; sex is not the icing on the cake, it's the egg in the cake that is absolutely vital to hold the cake together. Without the egg the cake would fall apart.
One more thing, when I said "young people", I meant "young married couples". My apologies. God bless
Couldn't have said those last parts better myself, Westcoast
For what it's worth, our sex life has ebbed and flowed for a variety of reasons: kids, work stress, illness, etc. While there have been times of twice in a night, mostly our frequency has been closer to yours: probably 20 to 30 times in the first year, and somewhere between 15 and 50 times a year since. For us, this has been healthy—neither of us feels pressured or lacking, and do a lot of non-sex intimacy (kissing, touching, cuddling).
Most importantly, we are open and talk about it. Both of us have dealt with severe nervousness in the past, but once we really started being open to what our needs and desires were, that went away. So this is what I would recommend: Instead of asking other people how often they have sex, talk to your wife. One of your duties as a husband is to love and talk to her and understand why she feels how she feels.
Remember that sex can be unpleasant for a woman for many reasons: Pain, fear, previous trauma, confusion, etc. Sex under pressure is almost never pleasant, and in my mind is borderline non-consensual. Go talk to your wife. Yes, it will be an awkward and difficult conversation, but would you rather have that awkward and difficult conversation for a while and lay bare the reality of why things are the way they are so you can both move forward together, or continue to feel your wife isn't loving you appropriately and penning up all this frustration until it results in something bad?
Do you know her sexual history? Does she know yours? Did you talk at all about sex before you married? Do you know what her expectations are?
Go talk to her. Above all, make sure it is not just about you. Marriage is something you do together. She does not exist solely to serve your needs; sexual intimacy is part of a broader emotional relationship.
So go. Talk to her and pray together. You can't work this out by yourself; you need her, too, and the Lord.
I kept track one year, 203 times. I stapled the paper to my workbench. Our normal is 3-4 times a week and everyday on vacation.
We read several blogs and books on sex including: The Generous Husband, The Generous Wife; Hot, Holy and Humorous by J. Parker (read her books too) and many more. We have been married nearly 38 years, next month and have sex probably about once a week because of our work schedules, but, as mentioned, it is different for every couple.
Be sure to discover each other's libido. (Male is usually high and Female is usually low; but these are NOT always the case.)
Thank you all for your comments and advice so far. Miranda, sorry to hear about your situation as well. We both now how frustrating this is. Harper, my wife is from the Philippines. Yes I have shown her the Corinthians passage and had a few discussions about it. Clara, I'm thinking that maybe my wife married me to come live here and have a better life, and not because of true love for me. Juicy, I don't know of any fears or issues with sex that she may have. If she does then it's a secret so I doubt that she has any. Also, she keeps telling me that she wants to have a child and it's very important to her. We are not financially ready for a child though. My marriage doesn't seem or feel real, more like I have a live in maid or a female roommate.
Hubby 34, My wife and I have been married for 16 years. At first we would have sex a couple times a week. After the first month or two the sex slowed down to maybe three times a month. After first child the sex went to sometimes once a month and I would have to sometimes shame her into doing it. I was angry, I felt like she wasn't attracted to me, and I was hearing my friends stating that they were having sex with their wives 3 and 4 times a week! At some point I sat down with my wife and told her that a man has needs and I understand if she doesn't want to do it every night, but I need it more than once or twice a month. She understood and we got back to two or three times a month. After a while of that I was inching my way back to my premarital habits of looking at porn to masturbate to even though i knew it was wrong. One night i found Marriageheat and sent my wife a story. We sat and talked about marriageheat and since then our love life has gotten better. She is now asking for sex and giving me blowjobs at least once a month and we are having sex at least once a week if not twice. I realized that it wasnt right for me to compare our sex life to others because that would just make me want what they have. So I encourage you to sit down with your wife, explain how beautiful she is to you and gently move into negotiations on once a month or twice a month then go from there. I also pray that you not get angry with her because the anger can drive a wedge between you and your wife making it even harder to come back together.
I woule recommend marriage counseling together with a female counselor.
First off, sorry to hear that you are struggling. Second, I would encourage you not to compare your sex life to another couple or put too much emphasis on it. While sex is important it isn't the most important thing in a healthy marriage. I have a friend that talks about how often she has sex but complains about her overall happiness. Instead of resolving the emotional issues they have, they over-compensate in the physical aspects of their marriage and it isn't improving things. The emotional and spiritual connections mean more and when those are healthy, it tends to lead to more physical connections. From some of your examples, it sounds like in certain situations you expect that things should lead to sex and I would bet your wife feels that pressure and it kills the mood. You should do things like celebrate your anniversary at a nice restaurant because you want to spend quality time enjoying each other's company vs thinking it will result in sex. It is concerning that you felt betrayed after hearing other couples were having sex multiple times a day. I can't stress enough that the amount of times one has sex doesn't equate to greater happiness if there isn't a strong emotional connection. I would suggest talking more to each other and spending time doing activities that you both love. As your emotional bond grows so will your physical one. I would rather be in a marriage where I felt connected to my spouse in all aspects than in one where it was based on lots of sex. The worst thing anyone can do is pressure someone into sex. Good luck to you.
Your situation seems disappointing. I don't know what to tell you. I am wondering about oral contraceptives impacting her interest. As for us, we are both in our early 50's and and we have sex 1–2 times a week, every week, and more typically 2-3 times a week. Some weeks it is more, but rarely less than once a week. Usually my wife cums at least twice a week, while I cum usually 3 times through her efforts. On vacation, it will be at least once a day for both of us. I can tell you that we do heavily use toys for my wife's pleasure, starting her off with oral sex for intimacy and as a warm up, and then finishing with a 9" dildo and something for her clit. She just loves the feeling and I don't mind giving her what makes her feel awesome.
Wish I had the answers. Married 10 years to my beloved bride. The first month, we had sex 1-2 times a day. It gradually dropped to 2-3 times a month, that first year. Once every couple months for several years. Down to 1-2 times a year the past couple years. We haven't made out in several years. She will give me a hand job once every week or two, but I'm almost never allowed to touch her. She deals with stress and anxiety issues, plus we have 4 wonderful kids. Sometimes God gives you a heavy cross to bare. Trust me, as a man with a strong sex drive. It's a very heavy cross. All I can offer are prayers for patience. God bless, my friend.
Dear Hubby34, I am so sorry to hear about the problems that you're going through. I am not trying offend you in any way, but I think your premonition about your wife marrying you because of your citizenship may be correct. I am an US expat living in a foreign country and Western expat males are seen as the golden ticket out of many foreign countries. Even if you live in a developed Asian country, most people want to live in Canada or the US for their children's future. Her coming from a poor background and marrying you ensured that her and her family will be taken care of for the rest of their lives. I am so sorry for what you're going through. I would highly suggest you guys meeting up with a marriage counselor. Nothing is impossible if we come before God in humility and repentance.
Hi, I'm a trucker and get home weekly. My wife and I have been married for 23 years. Our sex life is pretty good despite my schedule and our ages, I'm 53, my wife is 58. Once a week is good for us. Many times I try to set the first 24 hours I'm home to be with her with out sex so she feels reconnected to me when I get home. When I do that things go pretty well for us. I try to make it about us and not just sex. She loves that and appreciates it. I also try little things too, like a flower. Her favorite is a single red rose. I like to surprise her with it.
My advice is to guard your own heart against a sense of entitlement. It's a dangerous trap and will lead to a spirit of ungratefulness. I know you intentionally bypassed the non-sexual parts of your relationship, but I'm wondering if you are wooing her, turning her on (non sexually), and winning her heart by the kind words you say to her and the affection you outwardly show. The fact that you are asking for the "stats" of others seems like you are looking for ammo to justify the entitlement to a better sex life. That's a huge red flag, and it won't solve your problem. I agree with Harper that adding pressure will only increase her resistance.
For the first couple years of our married life, about 2-3 times a week. We married in our thirties. These days after 20+ years about once a week or fortnight. Quality of sex has certainly improved with time! I keep going longer, her "fuller" figure under me is softer than when she was slimmer and more boney. We spend more time at sex too. It's not just the quickie last thing at night. I still remember our first time. I had the biggest stiffest erection I'd ever had seeing her nude on our bed first time after our wedding. But we were very inexperienced and sex got better with time.