Why My Wife Masturbates

I’m sitting up here in my office right now, intentionally giving my wife time to herself for the sole purpose of bringing herself private, sexual pleasure.

This is something we started doing around September 2017.

If you had asked me a year prior to that if I would have been ok with my wife pleasuring herself, I would have said absolutely not. Even so, I would have also had to admit that I masturbated three to four times a week.

My wife grew up in a church that put much emphasis on female virginity which it defined as a woman being completely ignorant of her body’s abilities and her own orgasm. Her pleasure was to exist only in the context of the pleasure of the man with whom she would unite in marriage.

Her sexual ignorance was more important than her state of virginity. Normally, virginity requires nothing more than refraining from male/female intercourse. Her church had somehow decided to define a virgin as an orgasm-less and ignorant female who is supposed to learn everything about her own sexual pleasure from her spouse.

Men don’t know everything about women’s sexual pleasure going into a marriage, but at least they could come in as complete people who have experienced sexual stimulation. Their orgasms won’t be restricted by social or religious mores; they come whether they want to or not.

We have somehow managed to equate female reproduction with male orgasm. But copulation is (or can be) separate from a woman’s sexual pleasure, whereas for men they are more often tied together.

When we insist on tying female reproduction and female sexual pleasure together, I feel we inevitably push women into a state of stunted sexual development. Their bodies may come into adulthood, but their mental state regarding sexual pleasure is often that of children, clinging to this concept that sexual pleasure is meant only for someone else.

Overvaluing and overstating what virginity actually is has been like a nuclear bomb to women who have grown up in similar environments. I’m not arguing for women to leave a church that espouses this ideal, I’m arguing for the church to come out and let women know that reproduction and sexual pleasure aren’t the same for them as for men. And just because they have to chase their orgasm doesn’t make it morally wrong compared to a nocturnal emission.

Additionally, there is a Bible chapter that sets the tone for women going into marriages, 1 Corinthians 7. But I want to focus on the one verse within it that is always left out in every single sermon I’ve ever heard.

1 Corinthians 7:6 “I say this as a concession, not as a commandment.”

It is the only place in the Bible that statement is ever used and it refers to the entire preceding set of comments. Eye-opening, isn’t it, that in his time Paul had to give a concession to both women and men that if they couldn’t control their passions themselves, they should get married?

Today, when you tell a man that he should never deny his sexual duty to his wife, his eyes light up. When you tell a woman that, I think the vast majority don’t have the same feeling. Especially those who are taught that their sexual pleasure is supposed to be defined by the pleasure they provide to their husband. It leaves many feeling like well-kept prostitutes. I’ve heard this statement or similar ones from 80% or more of the women I have spoken with on the subject, all women within the church.

Knowledge of her own sexual pleasure prior to marriage is something that can have huge positive ramifications for a woman. Not only can it bring her to a level of sexual maturity matching her husband’s, but it can also give her the confidence to engage in an act of, and communicate her needs for, her own pleasure from day one.

What I’m laying out above, is basically the background of my wife’s life up until nine months ago.

Our sex life prior to then was one solely focused on my penis and getting me to orgasm as fast as possible. She thought the idea that she should enjoy receiving oral sex or touch herself was abhorrent. Sex was basically a means to keep my attitude at bay and when I started getting restless, she’d show up naked for twelve or so minutes. She’d have an orgasm once out of every ten times we had sex and jumped out of bed the second it was over.

I wasn’t a great person prior to our marriage, having had numerous partners. But without a doubt, the sexual satisfaction from those relationships far exceeded anything I had experienced with my wife. Until I began to understand everything above, I had no idea how to resolve the problem and, in my mind, it was her problem to fix.

She was, for all practical purposes, three-quarters of a complete person. She was sexuality stunted at around puberty, by my best guess. Not that she hadn’t had sex, but it was for reproduction and utility, never for pleasure, which left her ignorant of herself.

I’ve read probably 90 books over the last year on women’s sexuality issues: church and secular texts, surveys, studies, etc. There are some things which are clearly factual from culture to culture, both in and out of the church.

One thing I’ve learned for certain is that masturbation is the building block of a person’s sexual development. Two whole people coming into a marriage are two people that know how to bring themselves solo sexual pleasure. Coming together in a sexual union is something to add to a marriage, not something which eliminates a part of your sexual self. You can look at intercourse as the result of the sexual development equation; without masturbation or knowledge of one’s body, it’s just a free-standing variable without a basis.

This was her task to improve our sex life: Start from the bottom and get to know herself. It didn’t come quickly nor easily for her.

I created a safe space for her. Two to three mornings a week I would leave the house, lock everything up, and make sure she had as much free time as she needed, only coming back after she’d texted me.

Within a couple of months, the sexual woman I always knew was there started to show herself. She began to communicate her desires when we were together, and sex went from being measured by my orgasm and in minutes to by hers and in hours.

I went from masturbating three to four times a week to rarely at all. She went from never to two to three times a week and our partnered sex has skyrocketed. She gets as or more excited about sex than I do.

There are certain things which are statisctially proven from culture to culture, both in and out of the church….A woman in a good relationship has the desire to and often does masturbate more often than a woman in a bad relationship. It works in exactly the opposite way for men.

I absolutely concur with that assessment as evidenced by our own development.

From what I can tell, the ramifactions for her go beyond how it affects our sex life. She’s more confident in her day to day life, and she has a hobby that brings her a satisfying sexual release. Because orgasms for women require time and a virtually clear consciousness, it’s relaxing in many ways. And I don’t know if you’ve seen a woman bring herself to orgasm, but more often than not, they’re laughing.

I find myself buying toys to give her even more enjoyment in that part of her life. I see toys like an extension of myself. Through them, I am able to give her great pleasure even when I’m not around. Sometimes we use them together. I get great texts mid-morning when I’m out walking the dog that say things like –

“10+++ I love you.”

Or she’ll send me a photo with three dildos and a vibrator on the bed next to her.

We don’t necessarily have more sex than we had before but we have better, more engaging sex. I know it’s not this way for everyone, but in my limited experience, a masturbating wife is indicative of a phenomenal sex life and a centered, self-confident woman.

I couldn’t advise something more strongly than I do this: Men, encourage your wives to masturbate. Make time for it for her. I promise it will pay off.

 

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9 replies
  1. Old Lover
    Old Lover says:

    As an older couple, relieving the pressure to perform is another reason for giving my Anne time and space to solo masturbate. As she approaches her 7th decade she needs and thrives on achieving her orgasm. Nothing thrills me more than when she whispers in my ear, “I got really horny today, and came good!”

  2. Marie Lister
    Marie Lister says:

    Each person needs to know and understand how their own body functions in order to create and develop a more satisfying sex life as a couple. I was so naive as a young married woman and not comfortable or knowledgeable to let my husband know what I needed and desired.

    After more than three decades as a couple and many life experiences, our sex life is the most satisfying and passionate now. We have our physical challenges since we have aged, but we work together to overcome them.

    We are truly more deeply in love and devoted to each other than earlier in our relationship. Our connection is the best it has ever been and I am so thankful for that. We have witnessed and continue to witness divorces among people we know, I know that makes us even more committed to our relationship. Physical intimacy helps to cement that commitment and helps us both feel the love for each other on a constant basis.

  3. OldManJam
    OldManJam says:

    Churches tend to ruin most things in the name of "holiness". My wife battles with a similar upbringing and it has proved to be an obstacle to a full or complete relationship over the years.

    • TexasCouple
      TexasCouple says:

      In the church’s eyes, women have two values, virgin, mother. And sexual pleasure is defined in the context of the husband’s orgasm.

      If you read the Bible, you know that’s not true. If all you do is listen to the nonsense espoused from the ghost writing team, then you believe every word.

    • OldManJam
      OldManJam says:

      I couldn't agree more. Most humans try exerting control over one another with fear and insecurity most of them using scripture to "back up" their claims.

  4. HV450
    HV450 says:

    My wife grew up in a church that put much emphasis on female and male virginity and she believed that masturbation was a sin. But she couldn't stop doing it and felt enormous guilt, so much so that she doesn't enjoy it now that we are married.
    But I am not sure that it matters. If she feels like she wants it, I do it for her. I enjoy licking her and it gives her a better orgasm than when she stimulates herself.

  5. BradMona13
    BradMona13 says:

    My husband travels often for his job. We have been married over 40 years and have always enjoyed everything about masturbation. When apart, we both usually take care of ourselves on a daily basis. I love calling him in his hotel room and telling him how I got myself off that day.

    I'm so glad that neither of us see anything wrong with masturbation. As we have gotten older, it has become one of our favorite sexual activities.

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