Mature Couple Needs Help

I would like some suggestions from the readers of the site.

My wife and I have been married 26 years and sex wasn't happening often. But since menopause hit, my wife (56 years old) gets so tight it hurts when we have intercourse. We do some oral, but she feels if there is no penetration it is not the same and will just go without.

So I need help; I am not ready to give up having sex.

Thank You in advance.

4.30 avg. rating (85% score) - 10 votes
10 replies
  1. Harper Shelby Thornton says:

    I'm sorry for what's going on with you. You don't have to give up sex. There are other things you can do, like did she try lubricant? I find that lubricant not only moistens but increases sensitivity too. God bless 🙂

  2. Sultryheat says:

    Your post basically describes our situation about 2 years ago. We’ve always had a great sex life until menopause. I was very dry, therefore it made penetration pretty painful. At the advice of a friend I sought medical help from a women’s integrative health specialist. She was able to determine my current hormone levels through blood work and saliva testing and started me on an amazing bio-identical hormone replacement treatment. They are hormone pellets that are injected into my hip area every 4 months. I’m going to tell you that it truly changed EVERYTHING for me and how I was feeling in general. There were no more hot flashes or ANY other menopausal symptoms....they were gone. And my sexual desire returned like gang busters! I am hot and ready all the time! My husband is loving it and gives me all I want!
    Please consider checking into this amazing hormone pellet therapy and see if there is anyone in your area that does this. I have several friends who have tried it at my suggestion and it has turned their lives around too.
    Best of luck to you both and God bless!

  3. retfierfighter says:

    Question have you been having intercourse all along or not? I have learned that if a pussy is not used the wall will shrink back down to almost closed like she was a virgin again. Checked with my Dr. and its true. If this did not happen to you you might want to check with your Dr. Hope that helps!

  4. ATrain says:

    A lot of this depends on relationship dynamics (ie, how motivated is your wife to address this issue?) but I would look into treatment for estrogen deficiency. Hormone replacement therapy has come a long way, and the new bioidentical hormones don’t have the side effects of artificial ones. Estrogen deficiency is a libido killer, and will also cause vaginal dryness and tightness

  5. Txblonde says:

    I hope that I can offer some “been there” insight to your wife’s situation. Five years ago, I had a complete hysterectomy- while it’s been the best thing I’ve ever done, it’s also basically the same as an immediate surgical menopause. You go from 60 to 0 in a matter of minutes.
    This was not news to me but what took me by surprise was how much of an impact having zero hormones was going to have on me, my body and our marriage. My doctor’s answer was to just give me oral estrogen (that’s the normal go to these days) but that’s only enough to keep your bones healthy...not enough to keep you whole. Our intimacy was all but gone. No desire, no energy, no natural lubrication when we were intimate...and I just didn’t feel whole. After a long talk with my ob/gyn..he referred me to a Bio Identical Hormone Replacement specialist and that has changed OUR lives!! They are specially trained to work with her as a whole ..not just one aspect. So, blood work to see what areas are deficient and supplements to support where she needs them. Hormones in women drive just about everything. I knew something was wrong but I had no idea that I was missing out on so much. Now ...after 30 years of marriage, we can’t wait to get each other’s clothes off every day.
    Please be patient, supportive and understanding but encourage her to look into it. I feel better than I have in years, only now when I complain about not getting enough sleep it’s because we’ve been up all night making up for lost time.

  6. Old Lover says:

    Welcome to the senior sex set! That’s meant in a positive way. We, too, don’t perform or find vigorous sex as easy as it was for us decades ago. Orgasm and mutual orgasm through intercourse is about 50% of our intimate moments. We do enjoy solo and mutual masturbation (easier to focus) and lots of cuddling, touching, etc. that sometimes leads to more! Just keep the fire of intimacy going.

  7. Marriage Heat says:

    There is a great series of articles at Basically echos the comments above, but recommends estrogen cream (topical) for hormone replacement (there are plant derived, bioidentical options vs. chemical, synthetic or animal derived). They also point out that there is a use-it-or-lose-it aspect to vaginal expansiveness. The less sex you have, the more it will hurt when you do. The more you have, the better she will feel.

  8. ILoveMarriage says:

    I also recommend bioidentical Hormone Replacement Therapy.

    My wife sailed thru menopause with little more than a few hot flashes. Sex actually got better. But then she needed a hysterectomy/oophorectomy. The effects were devastating to her sexuality and general health. Vaginal atrophy, no lubrication, pubic hair falling out, no libido, and she was depressed all the time.

    So she went on bioidentical HRT -- estrogen, testosterone, and progesterone. It changed everything. We are having the best sex of our lives. Her libido is good. She does not need artificial lubrication. Her pubic hair is longer and thicker than when she was in her 20s, and she has never had more energy.

    I also recommend topical cream. Taking hormones orally is hard on the liver. With pellets, it is hard to adjust the dosage (they cannot be removed -- you have to let them run their course), and they are expensive.

    To find a bHRT doctor: 1. Go to and click on DIRECTORY. 2. Contact a local compounding pharmacy and ask for a referral sheet.

  9. Spice_up says:

    I completely understand where she is. I have had the same menopausal symptoms. It can be very painful!!! I have a couple of things that I do so I can still enjoy sex with my husband. I was using Yuvafem (inserted vaginal pill) and that really helped with the pain. I have also found that the herb Maca helps with some menopause sexual symptoms and lots of lube!!! I hope that this helps.

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